Wedding, Newborn Not Invited

[FirstTimeMumToBe0524]

Hi!

My husband and I are due to have our first baby in May. I have a good friend who is getting married in July about 3 hours away from where we live. The baby isn't invited - they'll be about 7 weeks old.

Here's where I'm unsure if I'm A) reasonable and B) realistic.

My plan was for us to drive down, bring my parents and book an Air BnB for 2 nights around a 10 min drive from the venue. I was going to drive us to the ceremony, then drive back to see the baby, go for the meal then drive back to see the baby, then go for the evening do. I'm planning on breast feeding but not exclusively.

I know she won't be best pleased at us disappearing throughout the day, but at least this way I'll be there for the key parts. She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

Does this sound realistic and reasonable? This is our first baby so really I have no idea what it'll be like leaving them or if I'm expecting too much of myself. We're very close with my parents so the baby will know them (as much as a 7week old can know anyone!)

Thank you!

I agree. Can’t imagine many people would want to leave their 7 week old baby with a stranger.

If you and baby are up to it, it’s a great plan. For some babies it won’t be an issue, for others it will be.

The final numbers will be 3/4 weeks before the actual wedding date, I’d say for now, you have a plan in place but it depends how it goes with baby when they’re here :)

We had a child free wedding, but under 1s weren’t included in this (apart from those who wanted to!). Some people with older children chose not to come, absolutely no problem at all. It’s got to work for everyone. We couldn’t afford 50+ children, and honestly, I didn’t want 50+ children!!

I wouldn't go. But then I was completely totally whole heartedly wrapped up in my son. Weddings, or anything for that matter, seemed so irrelevant in contrast.
Also, you don't know how baby will be. My son cried every minute he was awake for the first 10 months of his life (until we got all his allergies confirmed). I wouldn't have wanted to leave him for any amount of time.

I think your friend is being incredibly selfish. Not thinking about how you may feel, having to juggle this demand of hers when you have a newborn.
bridezilla

When DS1 was 7 weeks old, he screamed the house down when put in the car for 5 minutes. It was 15 months before we could manage a journey over an hour without massive stress for everyone.
All the other posters have made valid points too. I presume the bride will be massively more unhappy if you pull out with 3 weeks to go, than decline now?

Fair. As I alluded, I've grown a lot since then.

Ridiculously crass of friend. If you aren't fully breast feeding I think that your plan is fine and incredibly generous. Hopefully your friends will appreciate it and you will have fun.'At that age I was out and about a lot after all my DC and certainly fine to attend social events, travel etc. I was ebf so wouldn't have been able to attend without baby but I have never met anyone in real life who would not expect a babe in arms to attend a wedding.

Don’t attempt to do this. At 6-7 weeks pp I was exhausted and establishing breastfeeding. Packing for an event, driving there plus attending a social event etc would have pushed me over the edge. And I has an “easy” baby no reflux or other issues.

3 hour car journey will take much longer with a newborn (you might have to stop 3 times at least), also to breastfeed. Please remember that newborns shouldn’t sit in car seats for hours either. Just say no, a weddinf is not worth this hassle and cost.

You could go two weeks over and the baby could be 5 weeks old. I’ve had two kids - one would have been absolutely fine and the other had tongue tie and cows milk allergy and would scream so much so would make herself sick constantly. Personally I’d just say no now so she can manage her expectations.

I think the long car journey will do you and the baby in. You'll have to stop so often, it'll probably take 5 hours.
Then l think all this popping over and back won't work well either, it'll probably take longer than you think. Honestly you'll be doing well to make the ceremony and meal.
I did something similar with my baby at 5 months and he was upstairs in a hotel. It was so exhausting.

Just don't go

They don't want you there

This.

If people choose not to have babies at their wedding then this means they have to accept people won't be able to attend.

All the people saying about the drive, it's a valid point but OP how close are these friends? When I got married a friend brought her 5 week old. It was 4 hours plus a ferry ride for her. I actively tried to talk her out of it for most of the reasons people have stated but she was adamant that if she was able to travel she was going to be there. Was incredible of her really and we made sure she had a quiet space to take the baby, provided a changing station and somewhere she could feed in peace if she wanted to etc (we had a very off grid wedding). If you really want to go, you'll get yourselves there. I guess I'd just be questioning the level of effort to then also not have the baby in attendance.

I agree with everyone else. You’re planning for this wedding with a pre-newborn mindset where you imagine you can just ping backwards and forwards in a car, just see the baby, breastfeed at the drop of a hat, your parents won’t be frazzled, nothing will be fraught, your outfit will feel amazing and remain free of baby sick, your friend will think you’re bloody brilliant for being such a good wedding guest and the whole day will work like clockwork and be tons of fun.

No. Most new mums don’t really enjoy leaving their newborn at all. You will never have experienced the tiredness you have with a newborn. And any wedding will suddenly sink into sheer insignificance compared to the monumental life altering thing you’ve just been through.

My prediction is that you will probably regret even accepting the invite and you’ll resent your friend for selfishly having a no child wedding and not giving you, as a new mother with all those challenges/logistics, and your precious beautiful new baby a single thought. There is a reason it’s in the Equality Act as a protected characteristic!

Your plan is fine, but I'd just be prepared it might not go that way. You have no idea how your baby will be, or you will feel, leaving them!

Tbh you friend sounds like an arse. Fully understand people wanting child free weddings, but babes in arms are always the exception or you accept the fact people might not make it.

Some people act like their wedding is the best all and end all of the world and become really selfish around it.

I would never tell my friend I'd be annoyed if they didn't come because they had a new born but also say they couldn't bring said newborn lol. Bizarre! Hope she appreciates how far you are going to accommodate

I wouldn’t personally, as you don’t know how baby is going to be and it will all pan out. With my first I had severe tearing, surgically repaired and even at 7 weeks wouldn’t have sat in a car for that long or on a potentially hard/solid chair at service or reception. Others, that wouldn’t have been a factor. Irrespective I wouldn’t do it at 7 weeks with a breastfed baby as they are not predictable and neither are your boobs, with potential discomfort etc.

My concern would be driving 3 hours with potentially a 6 week old. That's a long journey

Honestly, she sounds like a knob and I wouldn't go. Not for the no kids thing per se; but for the being annoyed if that means people don't come. Big main character energy.

I got married (twice) before I had kids and still managed to grasp how friends with kids would need accommodating. First wedding as it happened they all opted for babysitters and left them at home. Second wedding we had 6 kids under 10 there in the end and they were a joy to have involved. Child free weddings are never 'doing the parents a favour so they can have a night off' as if they don't want to bring the kids and have suitable babysitting arrangements then they simply won't bring them.

I really could not be arsed with all that leaving and my babies would not have been happy at all. Who is she to say she would be annoyed if you decline, while making it difficult for you to go. Honestly, I would not have wanted to leave my babies when they were that small and would be declining without a second thought.

There are a few posts like these on this thread. Please take note of them. My dd was still in scbu at this age. No way on earth was a wedding doable.

Your plan will work provided: baby feeds fine independently, baby will sleep and settle without you there, baby is actually out of hospital at this point, you have healed well and are getting enough sleep to have enough energy for a wedding which requires much more energy than a simple meal out, you are not suffering from pnd.

bride can be as adamant as she likes about wanting you there 3 (5) hours away and not wanting baby. She is frankly delusional and completely unreasonable.

Its fine to hope for the best and see how you are feeling 4 weeks in with 3 to go but don’t go committing big money to it and make sure the bride knows you’ll do your best but can’t make any guarantees.

Maybe we should add a few posts about the absolute joys of parenting just so this poor ftm doesn't read all this and have an aneurysm! Serious dose of realism on this thread!

OP I Hope you're taking some heart from the posts that say the worst thing which could happen is that you'll find it tough to be away from this awesome little person you created. Even for a little bit!

I wouldn't go. You don't know how you'll be feeling 7 weeks in, you might not want to leave your baby that young, even for a few hours, and your friend sounds horrid honestly. To not understand why you'd need to leave to feed your newborn baby is a friend not worth sacrificing for.

As pp said, you either go with baby (if you’re up for it) or you don’t go. You do. It need to pander to her, she’s being completely ridiculous. Doesn’t sound like a very good friend

Arghhhh. ‘You don’t need to pander’ that should say

OP do you actually want to attempt this, or do you feel pressured into it?

Its not impossible but it’ll be a massive faff and probably not that much fun for you - especially if your “friend” is getting annoyed that having gone to this massive effort to be there, you have to pop off to feed baby.

Shes totally fine not to want newborns at her wedding (I don’t agree with people who say you don’t notice them - depends on the baby. colicky screamy newborns you very much notice). she is bang out of order to try to pressure you into coming in this way.