Wedding, Newborn Not Invited

[FirstTimeMumToBe0524]

Hi!

My husband and I are due to have our first baby in May. I have a good friend who is getting married in July about 3 hours away from where we live. The baby isn't invited - they'll be about 7 weeks old.

Here's where I'm unsure if I'm A) reasonable and B) realistic.

My plan was for us to drive down, bring my parents and book an Air BnB for 2 nights around a 10 min drive from the venue. I was going to drive us to the ceremony, then drive back to see the baby, go for the meal then drive back to see the baby, then go for the evening do. I'm planning on breast feeding but not exclusively.

I know she won't be best pleased at us disappearing throughout the day, but at least this way I'll be there for the key parts. She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

Does this sound realistic and reasonable? This is our first baby so really I have no idea what it'll be like leaving them or if I'm expecting too much of myself. We're very close with my parents so the baby will know them (as much as a 7week old can know anyone!)

Thank you!

I just wouldn’t bother going if she’s like that. Fair enough if you want to though!

We declined a wedding when ours was a little older than this and we’re so relieved when the day of the wedding she did this massive projectile poo (sorry but babies cause many TMI moments…) when getting changed. It went all over my hoodie and tracksuit bottoms at home. Imagine it was a nice wedding outfit. That night our otherwise really ‘good’ baby also had the worst colic out of the blue and screamed for hours. The only good thing was that we had no regrets about declining. We look back and laugh now at how awful a day it turned out to be and still say “Thank god we didn’t go!”

Were so relieved*

I wouldn't go tbh ! all that running round a few weeks after having a baby no thanks, I had an episiotomy and couldn't sit right for 6 weeks it would be hell sitting in a car that long then going backwards and forwards worse if u needed a section plus if you're breastfeeding you will still be establishing supply with a cluster feeding baby .
If they can't understand your baby and comfort is more important than their wedding are they even a friend ? I wouldn't be sad if she fell out with me tbh

7 weeks?

I think you’re being a tadge optimistic in this plan. A babe that small hasn’t established any real routine.
my ds would take upward of 30 mins to feed b/f and then another 30 mins plus to settle due to colic at that age. A colicky baby cries incessantly for hours. Yep, sure leave with parents 10 mins away, but there’s a strong probability that you’ll be needed for over 1 hour each time you return …frankly it’ll get to point when you’re so knackered you can’t be arsed to go back to party .

fwiw, I think any brides I’ll who cannot understand that a b/f pre- weened baby is an extension to its mother and is therefore obliged to attend if mother is attending, needs to be told “fuck off”. If you are fortunate to have a baby that settles into routine by month 3 ish then grand, but no baby aged 7 weeks is going to do that.

there is also a good probability that baby could be late and you’ll only be 5 weeks post partum. You could still be bleeding or healing at that stage.

I did attend my brothers wedding when eldest dc was 9 weeks, after an emergency c- section and we had 4 hour travel time and stayed over 3 days with my parents (who were obviously also invited). It took us over 7 hours to make that journey due to baby’s needs and my own discomfort in sitting that long. I was knackered by end of it and took a full day to recover. The wedding was on day 2 so that worked ok,
. BUT, my brother and SIL did not for one second think to ban a babe in arms at that age. We sat near back of ceremony and popped out when needed. They set aside a quiet space for me to breastfeed privately, and generally did what they could to ensure I could attend in a stress free way. I had a lovely time, and probably more “me”time than I’d had in previous 9 weeks as lots of relatives up for a bit of baby holding and nursing! Their day was their day…the baby didn’t subtract from it, didn’t make its presence felt by noisy, didn’t eat any food or cost them anything more. They were barely aware of him being present in their own excitement and joy.

tell your “friend” you and baby are NOT two separate independent individuals…you are literally physically dependant, even if bottle feeding your baby needs its primary care giver . She can’t seperate you at that age. Her choice, accept babe comes too and you take actions to ensure that it does nothing to distract form the day for the bride and groom, or you need to decline.

No one has a clue what they're in for even if they aren't 1st time parents I've had a few kids all different births some I've been full of beans the same day others I've barely moved off the sofa for weeks on end , ive had babies that were a dream and others that were colicky and cried 24/7 also look up the 4th trimester baby's literally have no idea they are even a seperate person from us until around 12 weeks old

At our wedding we had no kids but didn’t include babes in arms in that - didn’t think about it until our friends said they wouldn’t be able to come and then said of course they could bring babies! Bloody ridiculous to expect you to be able to manage a wedding with a 7 week old away from you. I assume they don’t have kids (we didn’t at the time which is why we hadn’t made a specific allowance for babies) but the fact that even having been made to think about the fact that you’ll have a 7 WEEK OLD they’re still saying the baby can’t come. To be honest I wouldn’t go, I think they’re unreasonable. And I think you will have a horrible time because you’ll be worrying about the baby the whole time because your hormones will still be wild x

I went to a friend's child free wedding when DD2 was about ten weeks old, but wedding plus reception were in the same place and we were staying there, and my mum was just upstairs with her in the room. Also it was my second child and I was already confident pumping some milk for her and doing one formula feed a day which made it easier. My dad and aunty looked after DD1 for the day who was three.

My friend apologised for all the trouble she had put me and my family to at the time, once she had a baby herself, though it was really was ok as it was all in one venue. Plus a family member on the groom's side had turned up to the wedding all day with a three year old with them.

I think if it was a really good friend I'd just try and go for the ceremony if I could on my own and then come back for (a bit of) the evening do if DH was ok with DD - assuming she slept which is quite a big assumption at that age. Mine did - I went to a (local) hen do - evening only - when DD1 was 6 weeks old, I had managed to express milk and persuade her to take a bottle before then, I was so determined to go!! Just leave it that you at least will try and come but really don't know how things will be until nearer the time. And if your friend doesn't understand then she isn't a good friend.

Hey OP not RTFT but here's a snapshot of my breastfeeding at 7 weeks and whether driving inbetween is plausible (I went a bit OTT about keeping notes as I kept forgetting which boob I'd fed on and kept getting mastitis like pain), I also had a totally unplanned emergency c section even though I was "low risk" and the pregnancy was going (mostly) by the numbers.

Also I found expressing nearly impossible. Took me about an hour first thing in the morning to even get 40ml with an electric pump. But my baby was a bottle and dummy refuser anyway so that was out the door anyway.

Big hugs but I think either the baby gets invited or you decline the invite. 7 weeks is hard, big hugs OP xx

Do not go. Bride totally unreasonable. No way will you want to leave baby for long at that age. I am guessing bride doesn't have kids as no way would she not make this demand on you if she did.

If you do go ahead with your plans, you will not relax and/or enjoy the they day and you will be stress running to and fro.

I’d decline the invite regardless of how annoyed she might be to be honest. If you really do want to go then by all means book the air b & b and enlist your parents but neither of my two at that age would settle for more than half an hour with anyone but me and seemed to breastfeed for hours on end constantly most of the time. I think you’ll be more away than you are there. Hopefully your partial breastfeeding plan will help but mine wouldn’t take bottles either having been started on breast and I never managed to make the switch despite efforts.

With my first born (who was formula fed) at 9 weeks old we went to a funeral which was 5 hours away and left her with MIL all day and absolutely fine no problems. With my second (exclusively breast fed) at 5 weeks old we had a wedding an hour away which was more challenging, I was absolutely exhausted from feeding all night. I had to have a nap at 10am before we went. I fed the baby outside, gave her to my husband who waited outside with toddler and we pretty much left after the ceremony.

I am pleased I went to the wedding, but she was totally understanding that I might not be able to go etc etc. It doesn’t sound like your friend is very understanding at all. Your plan sounds like you are bending over backwards for somebody who perhaps wouldn’t do the same in return. Personally I think I would pass and decline the invite if I was in this position.

Only voted YABU because your friend is being unreasonable, therefore you just shouldn’t go. Tough if she’ll be annoyed at you declining the invitation.

Honestly, I'd miss it. You'll have a new born! This is time to have as little external stress as possible.

It's ok to make your life easier.

7 week ok baby? No way. Baby could be 5 weeks, might be older.

This plan might be doable at 4/5 months but at 7 weeks I don't see it happening. I went for our anniversary meal when our baby was 8 weeks old. We managed an hour maybe at the local pub and I wanted to be home. I just couldn't be away from my newborn for that long.

Your friend sounds like a proper dickhead, saying she’d be annoyed if you decline but the newborn can’t come. And I’m sorry but you’re being a bit of a pushover to find it acceptable that she’ll be annoyed that you want to visit your newborn throughout the day!
My baby is 8 weeks old and there is zero chance that I would leave him with anyone else other than my husband. No fucking chance I’d be leaving him for hours, even with a parent. And the logistics of all that sound like a complete nightmare. If you’re mostly breastfeeding then you will need to express multiple times during the day as your breasts will be painfully engorged if you don’t. Expressing is time consuming.
In short, I’d decline and say it won’t be possible with a newborn.

This would have been fine for one of my 3 children, extremely difficult for another would not tolerate a bottle or settle for anyone else at 7 weeks and a complete no go for the 3rd due due to emergency cesarean (at full term) followed by almost 3 weeks in special care. I would decline the invitation and take the pressure off.

err your friend sounds unrealistic and not like a real friend. The baby will be circa 7 weeks! 7! I wouldn't go to a wedding now with out my 20 month old 3rd child! The going back and forth sounds bonkers and also baby feeds on demand at 7 weeks.. or your breasts may well just leak over everything still..!! Also, what if baby won’t take a bottle? None of my three would!

FYI we had a “friend” - not a particularly good one that wanted us to leave our first, 2 week old child to go to their wedding… we didn’t go and are no longer friends!

I later had a very good friend (who had been my bridesmaid!) who wouldn’t allow babies over a year at her wedding. She got married exactly a week after our first child turned one.. not only that but we had a big scare with said first child 2-3 weeks before the wedding.. and he still wasn’t allowed to be there.. once again, we are no longer friends. (And we don’t go to the wedding)

people are insanely unreasonable 😂

your baby will be SEVEN weeks!!!

Oh this is so lovely! Why aren’t there more people like this!!

Ah sorry OP just seen your very sensible response!

Personally I wouldn’t go, it’s a lot of stress on all of you

This. Honestly, expecting you to do anything else is bonkers.

She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

She sounds delightful. What came first, the date for her wedding or the due date of your baby? If she’s arranged a childfree wedding when she knew you’d be 7 weeks PP then she’s not actually that fussed whether you’re there or not.

I wouldn’t go. This isn’t worth it. Babes under 6 months should be allowed to go. Especially bf.
if you do your plan I think you’ll be exhausted

It was! It was wonderful to have a chance to dress up and have some good food and company after the pregnancy and birth and we were so excited to show the baby off. I love babies and children at weddings (and we had some gorgeous show-stealing toddlers at ours!) but even if I didn't I would never consider a young baby to be a separate entity from its mum. Once my friends had babies they just came as a package deal in my head. It makes me so cross when people try to dictate the separation of a new baby from its parents before the parents are ready.

I had a similar situation except my DS was about two weeks old and exclusively breastfed. My best friend banned children and babies so I just couldn’t go. So glad I didn’t go too as I had an emergency c section and we so sore! There’s no way I could have gone!