Wedding, Newborn Not Invited

[FirstTimeMumToBe0524]

Hi!

My husband and I are due to have our first baby in May. I have a good friend who is getting married in July about 3 hours away from where we live. The baby isn't invited - they'll be about 7 weeks old.

Here's where I'm unsure if I'm A) reasonable and B) realistic.

My plan was for us to drive down, bring my parents and book an Air BnB for 2 nights around a 10 min drive from the venue. I was going to drive us to the ceremony, then drive back to see the baby, go for the meal then drive back to see the baby, then go for the evening do. I'm planning on breast feeding but not exclusively.

I know she won't be best pleased at us disappearing throughout the day, but at least this way I'll be there for the key parts. She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

Does this sound realistic and reasonable? This is our first baby so really I have no idea what it'll be like leaving them or if I'm expecting too much of myself. We're very close with my parents so the baby will know them (as much as a 7week old can know anyone!)

Thank you!

I’m not sure your plan is realistic. That is a lot of running about to do and your baby might feed a lot more regularly than you are banking on. Some babies at that age cluster feed and can be at the breast constantly.
It’s unfair to expect a mother of a newborn to attend without her baby. I’d be saying sorry but need to be able to bring baby with me.

Just read your update and you’ve made the right choice. The drive alone would be so so hard, particularly if you have a c section.
Also I’d be worried about getting engorged boobs if you were having to have a few hours gap between feeds, which ultimately can affect your milk supply.
The bride needs to accept that newborns and mums are a package deal.

She wouldn't be best pleased, even though you are going to so much effort to be there for her?! I wouldn't bother going if that was the attitude

I’m all for having no kids at weddings but exceptions have to be made for newborns who are being breast fed especially when the wedding is some distance away. If the baby was 6 months or a toddler then yes it might be more doable for you to leave them. But a breastfed 7 week old? That’s if baby comes on time. Baby might be late and only be 5.5 or 6 weeks old.

I would explain that the baby will be a newborn and will be breastfed and that you can either attend the wedding with baby or you will have to decline altogether.

It’s lovely that you are trying to sort out child care so you can do your best to attend for your friend but the reality of popping off to breastfeed and get baby settled again with your parents may be very different.

Your friend sounds like a selfish bridezilla btw. Yes she may not want a bunch of kids or toddlers at her wedding but a literal newborn! !

Good luck Op, motherhood is wild, scary and utterly amazing! X

We were invited to a wedding that would be several hours away a few weeks after my first baby was born. We planned it all out, we’d do the journey over two days, I’d dip in and out of the day (leaving my husband to be more part of it as it was his friend getting married). The baby was 2 weeks late so only 2 weeks old at the time of the wedding. A week before, we called the bride and groom and apologised profusely and said that we’d massively underestimated the impact of a new baby and that we’d not be able to go - they were so lovely about it and said they’d been expecting our call.

As much as you are trying to fit this all in, be prepared to change plans - pretty much the entire mantra of parenting!!!

With a potentially 5 week old baby..no.
Baby can't be in a car seat more than 1-2 hours, so the journey would be long.
Mums comfort...may still be bleeding, engorged boobs. No thanks.
Trying to establish bf can be easy, can be hard. Babies typically cluster feed in the evenings and as great as grandma is, baby will want mum if bf.
Staying home is the right decision, don't underestimate the impact of a newborn...or how wonderful a time it is too 😊 stay in your newborn bubble as long as you can x

I definitely wouldn’t go. I’d be livid if my friend said that they’d be annoyed id declined an invitation knowing full well I had a newborn baby that wasn’t welcome. I also would be pointing out to her I couldn’t give a flying monkeys that she is displeased at me leaving her wedding to mother my newborn either. OP caring for your baby is not disappearing and for her to insinuate otherwise is nothing short of disgusting. She cannot want you there that badly then nor care much for your feelings or your child’s. Why is she a friend of yours if this is her behaviour? As if her wedding comes anywhere close to the priority of your actual baby. Selfish beyond belief. That’s nothing other than spiteful and self absorbed and I’d drop that so called “friend” quicker than I could blink. I certainly wouldn’t be expecting other family members to be inconvenienced for the sake of her wedding. What a self-centred, melodramatic woman she is.

I would decline the invite. It is absolutely the wedding couple’s decision as to whether children are invited or not, but if they choose not to include them, then they must accept that some people may choose not to attend.

You've made the right decision OP! At that age my baby would take an hour feeding, every two or three hours, I could not have dipped in and out of a wedding with a 20 min round trip. But seriously what is going on here -

I know she won't be best pleased at us disappearing throughout the day, but at least this way I'll be there for the key parts. She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

What does your friend expect you to do? You can't bring the baby, decline the invite, or dissapear throughout the day without annoying her. Doesn't she understand that your little baby literally needs you? You are the baby's source of love, comfort and food. You cannot leave a 7 week old (maybe 5 week old) baby for 12 hours while you go to a wedding. It would be really upsetting for the baby, not to mention the fact you can't combi feed that young. So what is she expecting?

Having a baby so young is tricky.
Feeding, managing your body aches, breast engorgement ( when baby isnt fed regularly)
Breast Leakage. Mastitis ( mastitis is very serious infection of milk sac)
Not to mention EMOTIONS / MISSING BABY ' s company ( theres a deep primal yearning to be with baby All The time at that age)
And you may need to rush back to baby if needed urgently.

I should DRIVE DOWN, stay in Air BB, but take baby to the church so parents can wait outside and you watch ceremony inside. Then Leave, Go home, or back to Air BB to rest.. No evening Party, just go home to rest.

This sounds like the most stressful day ever.
at the absolute most I would go to the ceremony, but ask mum to have baby in the pram nearby.
your friend is asking far too much of you.

Why would you put bridezilla before your newborn? So what us she is annoyed if you don't go - you have other priorities now - your child.

I declined 3 wedding invitations the summer the summer my daughter was born. I was, like you, making plans when I was pregnant to make it work. When the baby was here I realised that 1) it’s not compatible with breastfeeding so I would have to leave bottles ready, 2) I’m not pumping for days to go to a party, 3) I feel anxious being away from my baby, 4) I’m so tired, I want to sleep, not go to a party, 5) my daughter hates the car seat and a 3h road trip sounds like hell.

It’s hard to know how you will feel when baby is here, but chances you will dread going to this wedding and if you do go, it won’t be fun. It’s clear your friend doesn’t have children and doesn’t understand the ordeal she expects you to go through. I hope she will be understanding if you decline. If she isn’t, I’m sorry to say she’s not a good friend.

I don't think what you are planning is unreasonable if you are also planning on introducing formula. I left our twins for several hours with my m'n'law and sister when they were four days old although they were still in hospital at the time.

What actually stands out for me is you saying you think your friend would be annoyed with you leaving throughout the day - honesty, the effort you are going to to be there for her wedding...and you think she would be upset with you popping out to check on your new baby....I'm not really sure she is a friend so I think you should give the wedding a miss for this reason.

Personally I wouldn’t go. With my son I had an episotomy and the stitches burst a few days later- I don’t think I would have been able to sit comfortably for 3 hours in a car 7 weeks postpartum 😟

7 weeks old is so little OP. My 2nd DC was 10 days late anyway. Nothing goes to plan with newborns ime. I was exhausted every evening &collapsing in bed early & the last thing I'd have wanted to do would be try & stay awake at a wedding and try & look presentable too tbh. My breasts used to leak a lot & I still felt bloated and puffy when my DC were that small. I was b feeding all evening anyway in random clusters. I couldnt express v well at all with my 1st DC. Your 'friend' sounds like a nightmare tbh. I doubt you'll want to be away from your baby at all at that stage.

No I wouldn't go. Both my babies were different. One could be put down for periods of time, the other needed holding feeding and winding more. The latter had reflux issues, which meant she wasn't well for the first 12 weeks. You can't really commit to the wedding when you don't know your baby's needs yet. Also my sister's baby was being breast fed, she had to do cluster feeds on demand. She was velcroed to her son always, because of it.

This.

You need to put your newborn baby before bridezilla. When bridezilla has babies she will be embarrassed over how she behaved.

I did exactly this as my husband was best man at a wedding.

it was honestly miserable for me, but if you really feel you need to go then this is a reasonable solution.

I think it's totally doable. It may be tiring for you to do all that back and forth. The baby will be fine. I left my daughter with my parents 5 weeks post partum to go to my best friends birthday and I'm so glad I did. I had the best time after a long and boring pregnancy. It was really needed. No problems with my DD, she slept most of the time I was gone.

The only thing is that my breasts hurt from not breastfeeding and ended up leaking over my outfit. I was part breast feeding/part formula at the time. So make sure that you have another outfit in the car and you have the leak proof pads in your bra.

Have fun!

I think in theory it sounds ok. My reality as a first time mum was very anxious and didn't ever want to be separated from my baby, especially that tiny.I wouldn't have enjoyed the day at all. I would decline or insist my baby attend with me. I went on to have more children and it got far easier and I became more relaxed but I wasn't prepared for how (OTT) anxious I would be with my first.

What sounds realistic and reasonable is not to "invite a newborn" to a wedding.
Full stop.🙄

I think as a plan, it sounds ok in principle - but so many things could prevent it working out in practise. Baby might arrive late for one thing, so baby might not even be 7 weeks old. A 3 hour car journey with a very small baby might be fine - or it might be horrendous and take a lot longer than 3 hours if you need to stop regularly to feed.

You won't know, until the baby arrives, how the feeding 'schedule' is going to work. You could be doing a lot of cluster feeding in the evening if the baby won't take a bottle and end up missing most or all of the evening do

I think you are making the right decision not to go, to be honest.