cod's tips for idle parenting day one

[FluffyMummy123]

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My favourite is "Daddy rang me today to tell me that he couldn't remember what happened in the story about Gordon. Why don't you ask daddy to read it to you as soon as he steps foot in the door"

Oh cocolepew me and DH used to do that with unreasonably long books - the Edward book in the Thomas range for example. We each read him a story so if DH had pi*sed me off I would always give it to DS because "Daddy loves reading this one".

We used to chuck nappy sacks down the stairs into our incredibly tiny hall, and then one day the postman came to the door first thing in the morning with a parcel, and DH had to kick about 3 bags hurriedly out of sight that had been chucked there overnight before he could open the door.

I used to post pooey nappies (bagged in carrier bags) out of the cat-flap - I could land them right by the dustbin.

(back door is always locked an bolted due to burglar paranoia)

i throw steaming nappies out of middle floor window into tall planter ready for dh to drop to bins a.m, i am such a great shot, never missed.
dd comes with a stinky nappy, whispers, go and see daddy he loves your nappies, ok mummy. hello babyhifi, yes of course daddy will change your nappy.[what a privilege].

oh the shame, sunday mornings, a flask of drink and two flapjacks for dds breakfast. she switches tv on with silver remote, or mote as she calls it, then thrusts black mote into my face and demands cbbs.snuggles down in middle of us till at least 9.30.

hifi, that's our daily routine - cbeebies in bed, bottle of milk and a biscuit as dd's 'pre'-breakfast, all while I doze.
in my defense, she wakes up at 6am and I am pregnant...

Fetch for toddlers. You sit in the hall reading magzine and throwing ball. They whoop excitedly and run after ball. Hopefully tire themselves out enough to sleep.

DS now even throws his own ball. Bonus.

franny had a great game involving lowering a basket from an upstairs window to a downstairs one, while she lay on the sofa

i love this thread-im normal!!!!!!!!!!

lololololol at the night time "I have been up 3 times you bastard" scenarios, I do that too

and the reading long stories thing as well

thats what we did/do!5 days apart and only year between them so share lots of same friends anyway.one party!

i did that - both dds have birthdays a few days apart

weirdly 9 months after new year. funny that...

my cousin did one better and had both her boys 3 years apart but with the same birthday!!! i remember her kneeling on all 4's helping her open her 3 yr olds birthday presents
"oh yes thats lovely, who is that from? PANT PANT PANT"

get a nanny, a housekeeper, a cleaner, a cook and a chauffeur. and encourage your DH towards an 'open' marriage. That way your whole family will never bother you again.

"Let's have a picnic in dd2's cot"

DD1 gets all enthusiastic with the plastic food and tea set
DD2 can't escape
I get to "sunbathe" (sleep) whilst DD1 absorbs herself in sandwich preparation

make sure your child has school dinners. that way you don't have to make a packed lunch and can give them jam sandwiches for tea (they should only have 5 portions of fruit/veg a day, right?)

at weekends, humous on crackers counts as lunch. chickpeas are a vegetable.

if you want your kids to tidy up, just announce a competition to see who can pick up most toys. waaay easier than all that positive reinforcement / timeout stuff.

Convince your DCs that MN is "work". Make bored groaning noises and sigh a lot, and your DCs will solicitously say "is it very difficult Mummy?" then clear off and play by themselves.

Does the thought of having to get your DC's to make 'Thank you' cards fill you with dread? Got a morbid fear of glitter and glue on your kitchen floor?

Just put their crap artwork that they bring home from school/playgroup into a drawer and whenever you need a Thank You card doing, whip out a lovely painting, stick it to a blank bit of paper folder over. For that extra home made touch fake your childs handwriting on the inside.

NB. Works just as well for home made B'day cards...the oldies love 'em!

crying with l;aughter @ turkey

Tee hee, you're going to pinch that one aren't you nailpolish? Don't tell me I'm the only one on here who fakes their kids writing!

I tell you what, the guilt I feel is soon taken over by the brownie points we win with the oldies who think I have such thoughtful children!

you worded it like it was straight out of Bella

i read those shitty mags at work and in the hairdressers - 'top tips' etc

accompanied by a wobbly pic of chuffed as fuck reader

LOL! you should send that into Bella

shite day.
pmsl

Thanks

Never allow your baby to sleep in its cot during the day - a baby's place is on its mother. Thus meaning that you are "pinned" to the sofa, unable to do any house work for a good couple of hours every day.

You just need to make sure that you have the laptop, sky remote and a pack of biscuits within reaching distance!