cod's tips for idle parenting day one

[FluffyMummy123]

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On school nights, let sibling toddlers sleep in their day clothes (if not covered in yogurt), that way they are ready for the school run in the morning.

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Carefully create the impression at dc's school that you are not a capable talented woman, even if you are. Instead create the impression (if you aren't living it already) that you can barely remember your own name and if given more than one letter at a time you are likely to forget everything completely. This way you will never be pestered to do vital tasks for the school, such as sewing 50 costumes and will be given at least 3 helpful reminders of important things coming up, saving you the hassle of organising school life yourself

pretend to be asleep in the morning at the weekend (even if being slapped in the face by a 3 year old)

your dh will get up in huff eventually and HE will be the one making toast/finding fairy costumes/sorting our slippers etc

'wake up' when you know breakfast will have been sorted

When inviting schoolfriends for tea, ask about 4 at a time. The effort of cooking is no different than with one (just more chips) but your dc will then have 4 invites back, leaving you with 4 uninterrupted evenings for MNing etc

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It's the Easter holidays. Why wash and dress them? If you leave them in pyjamas, they won't need getting ready for bed either ...

Arrive at school very late to pick up your children - that way you won't have to worry about parking and they will be standing alone ready to jump straight into the car.

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Once they're over 5, pay them seriously slave labour rates to do basic household chores. (Eg 5p for dusting living room.. properly.. 20p for whole house. 10p to hoover bedroom, 20p for whole upstairs.) They thinks it's big money, especially if it's all in small coins that rattle a lot. This works for a good few years before they learn the true value of money, and small children can be very good work horses.

By the time they are 7 they can be taught to safely make you tea and toast.

They can fetch you things you lay on the sofa, from 18 months. Praise them lots. You'll have a willing and unpaid servant for a good few years. Before you need to start with slave labour wages.

Homework. Always try & split your dcs up to do theirs alone. If you try do it all together, they get frustrated with the lack of attention.

Even better, if your library has a homework club, like ours does, farm one child out there to do theirs and keep the other one home to do theirs with you 'assisting'.

End of the afternoon, both lots of homework done with no fighting and minimal fuss. Kerching!

excellent wheresthehamster just hope i will remember it when my ds is at school!

don't feel obliged to join anything, pretend you have a really busy job when in reality you do sod all

If you are tired, encourage your children to play hostpitals, with you as the patient. A great excuse for a lie down, and you may even be able to have a nap while they bandage you.

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Time the birth of your baby to fall in or very near to the summer holidays - so they get taken off your hands for other kid's parties throughout the year but when it comes to theirs half the kids are in Majorca so you don't have to fuss about a gigantic party.

When dd is at grandparents after school phone them and pretend to have to work late. They will feed her and you can stay at work and go on mumsnet.

Phone dh an tell him the same. He will collect her from Grandma's and put her to bed.

Arrive home at 7.00 pm (pretending to be exhausted) and dh will cook tea.

yes, agree with that one (dd2 is August 27th)

also dd1 is Oct 23 and usually falls around half term

double result

Teenagers are very responsive to blackmail. Don't go for bribery - it costs you.. use blackmail every time. "Pop to Tesco for me please or I will be forced to tell your school friends that you sleep with your blue rabbit you have had since you were six months old."

You can even makes things up. "Make your sister a snack or will have no choice but to imply to your best mate that your confessed to me that you fancy him." The teenager will be livid and resentful, but the most important thing; you get to avoid a task and read a magazine instead.

Nicely done oliveoil!

if your dcs are having friends round for tea, esp fussy ones, don't cook. (except for fish fingers). Serve with "healthy" extras - carrot and cucumber sticks, bread and butter etc. Nice yogurts or similar for pudding. There is nothing worse than cooking for someone else's kids and having to put it in the bin.

Also train your children as early as possible to be fully independent in the toilet. (wiping own bottom etc).

Children can also be trained at an early age in various "FUN" household tasks. dd1 doesn't realise that emptying washing machine and sweeping under table with the dustpan and brush is actually housework and not play.

go shopping after work and blame lateness on the "useless fecking bus service"

hide purchases in big work bag

tea will have been made in your absence if you time it right

I'm loving all these!!

I knew I was lazy but realise now there was so much more I need NOT have been doing

nappy sack flinging - a case in point