Angry at parner for changing jobs

[faded07]

My partner and I have an almost 2-year-old daughter. It was a long road to get to her after 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I also had postpartum depression and it took a while for us to get into the swing of parenting. After a year of mat leave, I went back to work, reducing my house from full-time to 3 days. It is a tough juggling act but I am so glad I get to spent 2 weekdays with my daughter. After such a strenuous journey to get to parenthood (and settle in it), things finally felt good.

My partner managed to negotiate a deal with her employer when I returned to work which allowed her to drop her hours from full-time to 4 days. This meant that she could look after our daughter 1 day a week and they could spend valuable time together too.

Towarda the end of last year, my partner continued to express that she was unhappy at work. There were justified reasons for this (nothing too sinister - an unsupportive management and a dying sales market). What grinds me is that there were a variety of things my partner could have done to try to improve things but she didn’t act on any of them. She went bullish and decided to go for interviews. Before I had much time to process this, she had a job offer. She accepted it when I was very unwell with Covid and didn’t have the energy to properly debate whether it was the right choice.

Today she has gone away for the week to start her new role. She has given up her 1 day a week with our daughter and returned to full-time which has killed me. We have now had to increase our daughter’s nursery days from 2 to 3. Although she is doing well at present, we went through months of inconsolable screaming at each drop off. The thought of that happening again terrifies me. I am dreading taking my daughter in for the extra day and am worried she’ll feel let down or abandoned.

Further to this, my partner’s new job means earlier starts so I lose an extra half hour of my night/morning. She has also had to obviously give back her previous company car which I was insured on and loved driving, and has now got a new car which is a massive estate. As a nervous driver, I doubt I’ll ever get behind the wheel of it. And lastly, the new job is £2,000 less per annum than the previous one. So all of this for less income.

My partner knows I am upset, mostly about mt daughter having to increase her days at nursery. I have tried to be supportive and said we need to give it time but I am feeling so upset and bitter about it today. I put my body through a lot during IVF and pregnancy. I found maternity leave very hard but carried on and saw it through. I have dropped my salary by 40% to stay home and be with our daughter. I have put my career on hold. I guess I just wish my partner had also just grit her teeth, at least for another year or so, until our daughter was at preschool.

Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar. Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to feel less angry?

I would really upset too OP, as I would feel I wasn't considered in this big decision which affects my life directly too.

First off. The extra would piss me off big time as not only does your DP lose the extra day with her DC, you therefore have to place her in nursery and extra day which isn't cheap. Then if your partner is on £2K less, that also puts a strain on you financially.

I'd see how it goes for the next 6 months if she isn't willing to find another job sooner.

Absolutely this.

It sounds like you've gone in opposite directions a little, with you sacrificing more than you want to and your partner not thinking of you before she makes decisions. You could both do with listening to each other and finding a happy medium before you start to resent each other. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Your relationship has changed, put the work in or you'll lose it, trust me.

If nursery says your child stops crying soon after you leave, they are telling the truth. I worked in nurseries. It's rare to have a child cry for more than a few minutes, they do tend to have a very nice time when they're there and there are many beneficial aspects of childcare. Leave her with confidence, don't look guilty or worried or she'll pick up on it.

There's a lot of "me,me,me" in your post. No mention of your partner's mental health, in fact you dismiss the concerns about the previous job in one sentence but complain about losing a company car you loved and losing 30 min of your morning. You come across as caring more about yourself and the company car more than you do your partner in all honesty.

Gender is irrelevant to the OP's self-centred attitude, which is what most comments are picking up on

@Spybot the difference is your DH didn't make that decision for you. You agreed to the impact. In all liklihood with a bit of discussion and time to think, OP would have too.

@Mia45 the impression I'm getting is that the drop in salary AND the increased outgoings are what's worrying OP and she wasn't given a say or chance to think over the impact. I'm not entitled to DH earning a certain amount, but him dropping his income and increasing our outgoings would be discussed to ensure we could actually afford it. And all options in between thought through.

Really ?....... so if her partner had been a man you think the comments would have been exactly the same. I call BS on that one.

I don't think either of you are wrong here. Having a baby is hard, especially if there is some trauma involved. But being in a job which makes you unhappy is also hard, especially if she was the main breadwinner as there is a pressure that comes with that.

I think the main thing here is you don't seem to be communicating properly. Your baby's needs are clearly important but so are yours and so are your partners. If your partner needed to move jobs for her sanity / wellbeing and the cost of that is an extra day at nursery for the child, I'd have struggled to say no to that. But, it should have been properly discussed.

It seems like you are both seeing things from your own side only and what's missing is some perspective on both sides.

All the best

Your focus seems to be on your child. But it is important to think of yourselves. I don’t know if you and your partner are hearing each other. But communication seems to have been lost. A lot of couples have one full time one part time with young children. You sound let down. But your partner acted for a reason. Maybe you have less money as a couple now and that’s where your frustration is coming from. But the previous job may have ended in redundancy. I would focus on moving forward.

If the poster had said my DH took on a role that means a pay cut & is more hours so more childcare without discussing it properly, the DH would be getting torn apart!

You're right, and probably torn apart beyond a reasonable level of criticism.

In a partnership big decisions should be made as a couple, not one person deciding and the other having to suck it up, especially when it concerns household finances.

On the flip side, I do see why some of the OP comes across as selfish because it's very but I liked DP's company car and now we have an estate that I don't like as much, but I took a pay cut for our daughter why can't she suck it up. But I had a difficult pregnancy etc. One thing that rubs people up the wrong way is when someone chooses to go part time because they want the time with DC and then they hold it over the person who is working more in martyr fashion.

Yes really. I wouldn't have commented it if I didn't think it would I 🙄.

Gender is irrelevant to the OP's selfish attitude, only mentioning how this change affects her and not appearing to care at all about her partner being unhappy in their job.

Selfish and entitled regardless of the partner's gender

Goodness OP you really are laying on thick in your second post.

In response to your experience of trying to conceive and giving birth, so many others in the world have experienced the same, similar or worse. You can’t stop making it about you. Stop moaning and enjoy your child! She won’t suffer going to nursery an extra day!

IVF doesn't work for a lot of people. So to complain that people might not know how bad it is to go through it and have a child, is very short sighted.

I’m starting to see why there were issues settling into parenthood. Your DD will not notice the extra day. Not wanting to drive an estate (which will be a lot more handy) is rather pathetic - maybe buy your own car if you’re that worried.

is your partner happier? It’s awful being stuck in a job you hate.

Get over yourself.

“My partner was only with me for a week at home before having to return to work after our daughter was born (not her fault - her employer made her TRAVEL immediately so I was left holding baby and in a right state). “

You have just explicitly laid out how poor the workplace culture was at her previous job but think there were things she could have done to make it better. An employer with such little regard for their people cannot be fixed with a few changes ( and is probably only going to begrudgingly implement those changes when HR say they have to).
Yes she could have discussed it but based on your previous posts I think you would have thrown the IVF in her face & made the conversation about you & your needs. She was unhappy, she made changes, she hasn’t asked anything of you at all, apart from that you spend 30 mins a day more with your child. She is not the unreasonable one here.

I think people are being a bit harsh on you; this would have upset me too as we kept our childcare to an absolute minimum as it was important to us (definitely important to me). That doesn’t mean I’m judging anyone else - lots of friends and family have used pretty much full time childcare - it’s down to personal circumstances. One extra day will be ok in time. You will need to look at it from her point of view (a job you hate is awful) and try to accept things as they are. You are allowed to have a rant, it’s only natural when things don’t go your way.

It is hard though, no matter how bloody grateful you are if it all works out, and there is never a day when I am not incredibly grateful. I wouldn’t wish that journey on anyone.

Op you're clearly unhappy and resentful about all you went through, so I'm sorry that happened. Can I suggest some sort of couples counselling though. As hard as it can be when you're hurt, you need to try to develop the ability to see things from her perspective as well as your own.

In your second post you are clearly upset that the thread didn't go the way you thought it would but please take a deep breath and try to understand what people are trying to say to you here.

Yes, you matter and so does your dd. You are entitled to some TLC for what you went through but so is your partner. You need to begin to be kind to and consider each other if you are to move on from here.

What about using a childminder- your daughter may be happier in a home environment? And less children.
I am confused as to why your partner hasn’t asked to do 4 days. Can she ask now?

It's not politically correct to say why I think you have this problem..

ignore those people saying you’re just thinking about yourself, clearly you’re not. Ultimately, when you’re a family, what affects the household should be a joint decision, not just one person’s. And you were not saying she should stay in her job indefinitely, just until your daughter was a bit older.
Your partner made a decision that affects all of you, without your input- she is the one in the wrong, not you.

It’s not unreasonable to feel this way but this is more of a rant. Unfortunately it’s done and unless you can let it go you’re going to hold onto this anger until it ends you or she leaves out of protest which could end you.

she may see that you’ve dropped hours and it means she has to work 5 days even for less money due to being so
unhappy but you didn’t listen (because you had PPD and then covid, understandably) or she didn’t want to burden you as you were ill. She must’ve been very unhappy and well don’t for being ‘bullish’ and making then jump…many men I know would’ve pushed on until they too were depressed.

I see both sides and the only way is to let it go.

I’m not sure whether to laugh or get angry at posts criticising the OP for writing a post that is ‘me me me’.

I mean it’s about her, her view of the situation and her hurt. What did you all think she’d be talking about? How hard it is for her partner? and then you’d have said the OP is clearly unreasonable because her DP has sacrificed so much

Re the OP working 3 days

Do posters not remember how much it costs to pay for one more day of nursery. Having to pay for 3 days instead of 2 might well put them in a situation that is even worse financially.
The OP never mentioned how much she is earning so for all you know she has the same wage working 3 days than her DP working 5 days. See all the comment about her DP being the main wage earner etc….

Lots and lots of assumption there based on ‘mum is at home with baby therefore doesn’t contribute financially’ (or if she does it’s peanuts) which may well be very far from the truth.

The OP also mentioned missing her half an hour sleep/break in the am - which suggest to me she is still struggling with PND, the birth and her baby being unwell at birth - all with little to no support from her DP. If her DP had been a man, she'd have been roasted for that.

It was your choice to drop down to 3 days and it’s what you want to do. She obviously doesn’t and it really won’t hurt your daughter having another day in nursery. She got a lot of time at home with you and your partner compared to a lot of children her age.
I don’t think the IVF thing is relevant to her changing job and some aspects of the post do come across as self centered.
But I’d be really annoyed with my partner if they took a pay cut that meant working more hours and a 50% increase in childcare costs (as well as losing the other perks like the car) without properly talking it through with me. That’s a big impact on the family and it should have been discussed.

You not the only person to have struggles with getting pregnant or birth.
It's not ok to use that now. Leave the past in the past and focus on what's making you so unhappy now. Some partners are job hoppers so maybe talk to her and set some ground rules such as discussing things before. Your little one will have to get used to this for school anyway maybe if they are struggling three days would actually help set them up for school. You don't want to hinder that and then have the issue once they start school. You seem certain they weren't unhappy at work but have you discussed it?
Sounds to me you both need to work on communicating with each other. You need to work on your behaviour too you come off as being all you and when people pointed that out you've only proved that with the new comment. I had a horrible pregnancy and birth I don't use it in arguments or to get my own way.