Angry at parner for changing jobs

[faded07]

My partner and I have an almost 2-year-old daughter. It was a long road to get to her after 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I also had postpartum depression and it took a while for us to get into the swing of parenting. After a year of mat leave, I went back to work, reducing my house from full-time to 3 days. It is a tough juggling act but I am so glad I get to spent 2 weekdays with my daughter. After such a strenuous journey to get to parenthood (and settle in it), things finally felt good.

My partner managed to negotiate a deal with her employer when I returned to work which allowed her to drop her hours from full-time to 4 days. This meant that she could look after our daughter 1 day a week and they could spend valuable time together too.

Towarda the end of last year, my partner continued to express that she was unhappy at work. There were justified reasons for this (nothing too sinister - an unsupportive management and a dying sales market). What grinds me is that there were a variety of things my partner could have done to try to improve things but she didn’t act on any of them. She went bullish and decided to go for interviews. Before I had much time to process this, she had a job offer. She accepted it when I was very unwell with Covid and didn’t have the energy to properly debate whether it was the right choice.

Today she has gone away for the week to start her new role. She has given up her 1 day a week with our daughter and returned to full-time which has killed me. We have now had to increase our daughter’s nursery days from 2 to 3. Although she is doing well at present, we went through months of inconsolable screaming at each drop off. The thought of that happening again terrifies me. I am dreading taking my daughter in for the extra day and am worried she’ll feel let down or abandoned.

Further to this, my partner’s new job means earlier starts so I lose an extra half hour of my night/morning. She has also had to obviously give back her previous company car which I was insured on and loved driving, and has now got a new car which is a massive estate. As a nervous driver, I doubt I’ll ever get behind the wheel of it. And lastly, the new job is £2,000 less per annum than the previous one. So all of this for less income.

My partner knows I am upset, mostly about mt daughter having to increase her days at nursery. I have tried to be supportive and said we need to give it time but I am feeling so upset and bitter about it today. I put my body through a lot during IVF and pregnancy. I found maternity leave very hard but carried on and saw it through. I have dropped my salary by 40% to stay home and be with our daughter. I have put my career on hold. I guess I just wish my partner had also just grit her teeth, at least for another year or so, until our daughter was at preschool.

Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar. Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to feel less angry?

Not a popular opinion but I am with you, OP. It’s not only £2k a year but it’s also an additional cost of childcare (which is extortionate without an income drop!). This wouldn’t fly in my household without proper discussion and making sure we have exhausted every other option.

Also, a healthy and secure attachment is so incredibly important for the little ones. The reality is that children before 3 are not able to play together. They will engage in a parallel play and play next to each other and that’s all. Developmentally they are not ready to be properly playing with each other therefore the company of other children is neither here nor there. A company of a loving and caring adult they relate to is much more important at this stage so I wouldn’t want to swap 2 to 3 days at the nursery either. It sounds like your pregnancy and birth were very hard and I can see how important it is for you to make sure your daughter feels loved and happy. A decent discussion with your partner is needed pronto.

I’m shocked at the replies here. I would be fuming if my partner made such a decision unilaterally, specially when you’re left with the bulk of the childcare. Seriously this place is awful

Years ago, my husband left a very well paid senior position as it was making him ill. I told him to leave, I thought he was going to have a heart attack. He made less money for a while and lost out on a lot of stock. Perhaps if he'd stayed in that job I wouldn't have to work at all now and I could be with the kids, but it would have his health suffering. Maybe your partner was suffering massive anxiety and needed to get out the role. Patience and understanding is important here.

I can’t believe some of the replies here! I’d be feeling the same in your position. Please don’t take the harsh replies to heart, I really don’t think they’re representative of how most people might empathise with you.

In a partnership, it is normal to discuss big changes like work, finances, cars, childcare, daily routines etc before one person makes a change that impacts the other, or the family as a whole. I think it’s pretty appalling that your partner hasn’t done this.

I wonder if perhaps you lost some sympathy over the car comment- lots of people would love to have a perk such as a company car, so people would find it hard to feel sorry for you about this- bit of a ‘suck it up’ scenario. Otherwise though, your feelings are very justified. You partner needs to talk to you about changes that impact you both. It’s shitty that she didn’t and has just acted alone.

Totally agree with this. This is about the lack of consultation on a decision that has a significant impact on all of you. Both my hubby and I have always had conversations with each other before major work changes and discussed the impact on the family as a whole, as well as each other. This is what parenting and partnership is about. My hubby once turned done the opportunity of a promotion because it was likely to have a detrimental impact on home life for everyone.
Your wife deserves to happy at work, of course, but it sounds like she hasn’t really taken into account yours and your DC’s needs/happiness when making this decision. Losing £2000 a year would make a big difference to us as a family too!

I feel this is quite a selfish post

ive always said to my husband that we will drop his wage if he was ever unhappy. I’d rather he was happy because having a job that you hate is soul destroying….

you need to think more of her mental health than anything because without that she might not be here

Some of your post comes across as selfish initially, but at heart I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting big decisions to be discussed properly as a couple.
I think a lot of people would be annoyed if their partner made a big decision that affects family life without proper discussion.

If you'd mentioned your partner's history of job hopping in your OP I think people might have been a bit more receptive to your concerns.

My goodness an extra half an hour a day longer, can’t imagine how you’ll cope.

@faded07 please don't feel rubbish reading the responses. I can understand where you're coming from, when you're a family these decisions affect all of you, I don't think you are being selfish, you just aren't on the same page with your priorities. You are clearly very thoughtful and would put your partner and daughter before yourself and would've stuck the job out even if you were unhappy. Your partner seems to see things differently and I guess it sounds like you're hurt that she's happy to compromise on things you wouldn't for a new position. That's difficult, I think you should tell her how you feel and give yourself time to cool down.x

@Cerealkiller4U that's a bit much, the OP made it very clear her partner wasn't desperately unhappy and has a history of job hopping, she is upset because she's taken something that has altered their lifestyles. She quite obviously wouldn't compromise her health

I appreciate it has been a hard journey but I think you need to be a bit more considerate towards your partner as you are making this all about you. I think you might be over thinking a lot of the changes as none of them are massive issues but just minor inconveniences to you and it all sounds manageable. Three days isn’t a lot for your daughter to be in nursery. I believe your partner has their reasons and rather than giving them a hard time, maybe you should try understand them.

@faded07

What a lot of mean responses you've had.

I think that it is pretty shabby of your partner to pull that stroke when you were ill - nothing to do with the rest of it, just outrageous to change the set up so much without consultation. Also, if you did the IVF and took the career hit, I think it's fair to expect she does more of the breadwinning. She sounds a bit short on communication skills to me.

Gotta say it but.....lesbians.

Don't come at me people - what's happening here is the partner is taking on the more traditional role of provider (whilst sucking up being miserable at work) and if OP had presented this as a male partner she would have had legions of support here lol .. OH the irony.

Your partner seems to be a bit of a selfish wazzock and seems to think that you are 'default parent'/ general dogsbody / person who can just fit around and probably get the short end of various straws. Are you both making sure as much is put into your savings and pension as hers for example, ie you aren't losing out from the maternity leave and being 'default parent' / main carer?

I think your daughter will probably be fine in nursery - screaming at dropoff is very common (I had one who did this for a long time - they were fine 5 mins later and for the rest of the day), it's only if they are screaming for a lot longer or otherwise not settling at all that I would worry. It's all the other stuff in your post plus the fact that there just wasn't any 'partnering' going on ie discussing it and working out how the money and practicalities would affect the family, and each partner individually, that concerns me.

You shouldn't have been pushed into having your daughter at nursery more than agreed originally either. Careers, and happiness at work, are very important but when choices affect a partner and child, they need to be negotiated and sometimes the change of job or career has to wait.

I’m shocked at the replies here. I would be fuming if my partner made such a decision unilaterally, specially when you’re left with the bulk of the childcare. Seriously this place is awful

If the poster had said my DH took on a role that means a pay cut & is more hours so more childcare without discussing it properly, the DH would be getting torn apart!

I can understand your frustration with the extra days at childcare if you think your DC will find it traumatic but as for the rest of it, 2k salary drop etc then I think your being unreasonable. I would hate it for my DH to dictate what job I had and similarly it’s totally up to him what job he does. I’m not entitled to him earning x for us. We earn what we earn and have to cut our cloth accordingly, as long as we’re both pulling our weight

Totally this! Count your blessings here - two of you in employment, a ( hopefully) healthy child, a home and a car, some people would consider that Heaven. Life isn't perfect and though we are nowadays led to believe it's our right, it isn't. Some are luckier than others, that's all. Unless you try to change your mindset , it's likely you will never be truly happy and that's a great shame.
People on Mumsnet can be brutal and judgy but there is a lot of good advice here too. Best of luck.

YABU, your partner has a right to a life outside of being a parent and to have a fulfilling career. You are using the extra day as an excuse to make her feel bad. 3 days in nursery will not harm your child and may even benefit her socially.

OP try not to take it all too personally, obviously no one here has full story or situation. There's a lot more to it than your original post. It sounds like you and your partner are quite different in your approach to things. You perhaps think things through more than she does, she goes diving in head first. I wouldn't worry about the extra day at nursery, it might actually help her settle better if she is there more often. Sometimes only one or 2 days can be counter-productive. She still gets her 2 days with you. As for the less money that should have been discussed but hopefully its manageable. Don't look for issues where there aren't any thoughts...The earlier start time etc isn't really an issue, it's half an hour. Have a go at driving the car, you might enjoy it.

I would be fuming if my partner made such a decision unilaterally

Quite! It hasn't worked like that over the years with my long term partners (kids in the mix, all grown now though), doesn't work like that with current partner (no kids in the household any more), didn't work like that with my parents (married 50 years until one died). To me, this part of it is a big issue. There are some bonkers posters on this evening OP!

All the commenters criticising you for lacking empathy - are just completely lacking empathy themselves.

It sounds like there needed to be more communication on the change with childcare situation. Maybe it's a choice that's hard for your partner too. I can understand you feel taken for granted. Would you partner be unbothered if you suddenly decided to work full time? All you can do is communicate. Might be a good time to discuss your values as a family and what is a reasonable division of care that you both feel happy with.

It's totally reasonable for her to be upset about the issues she's raised. Don't gaslight.

How are posters gaslighting?

2k salary drop

I cannot understand how this is also being dismissed as not a big deal. Massive deal in our household, would always be discussed.

Absolute rubbish about kids settling if they go more. In the area I live in when my eldest 2 were little school nursery started at age 3 and was 9am to 3pm. The eldest screamed all day everyday for 18 months. The whole of nursery and half of reception. It is horrific dropping your screaming child and picking them up still screaming.