Angry at parner for changing jobs

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My partner and I have an almost 2-year-old daughter. It was a long road to get to her after 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I also had postpartum depression and it took a while for us to get into the swing of parenting. After a year of mat leave, I went back to work, reducing my house from full-time to 3 days. It is a tough juggling act but I am so glad I get to spent 2 weekdays with my daughter. After such a strenuous journey to get to parenthood (and settle in it), things finally felt good.

My partner managed to negotiate a deal with her employer when I returned to work which allowed her to drop her hours from full-time to 4 days. This meant that she could look after our daughter 1 day a week and they could spend valuable time together too.

Towarda the end of last year, my partner continued to express that she was unhappy at work. There were justified reasons for this (nothing too sinister - an unsupportive management and a dying sales market). What grinds me is that there were a variety of things my partner could have done to try to improve things but she didn’t act on any of them. She went bullish and decided to go for interviews. Before I had much time to process this, she had a job offer. She accepted it when I was very unwell with Covid and didn’t have the energy to properly debate whether it was the right choice.

Today she has gone away for the week to start her new role. She has given up her 1 day a week with our daughter and returned to full-time which has killed me. We have now had to increase our daughter’s nursery days from 2 to 3. Although she is doing well at present, we went through months of inconsolable screaming at each drop off. The thought of that happening again terrifies me. I am dreading taking my daughter in for the extra day and am worried she’ll feel let down or abandoned.

Further to this, my partner’s new job means earlier starts so I lose an extra half hour of my night/morning. She has also had to obviously give back her previous company car which I was insured on and loved driving, and has now got a new car which is a massive estate. As a nervous driver, I doubt I’ll ever get behind the wheel of it. And lastly, the new job is £2,000 less per annum than the previous one. So all of this for less income.

My partner knows I am upset, mostly about mt daughter having to increase her days at nursery. I have tried to be supportive and said we need to give it time but I am feeling so upset and bitter about it today. I put my body through a lot during IVF and pregnancy. I found maternity leave very hard but carried on and saw it through. I have dropped my salary by 40% to stay home and be with our daughter. I have put my career on hold. I guess I just wish my partner had also just grit her teeth, at least for another year or so, until our daughter was at preschool.

Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar. Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to feel less angry?

I am so disappointed at the comments here.

Of course the post is from OPs perceptive, it's unfair to think they should be doing the post from the other side.
They are seeking balance, not being scolded and shamed. Just calling someone selfish is childish. This person is clearly upset and unhappy. I bet you all love saying #bekind but here you are ripping them a new one.

If my partner left a job that suited our family and left us worse off financially and as a family, put additional responsibilities onto me solely and increased our outgoings, without me feeling part of the decision making process - I'd be fuming and hurt.

There's a huge mismatch here in the communication and I do actually think it's valid to say that the pregnancy etc was very rough and there is something to be said about expecting your partner to also ride through tough times when you as a family have a common goal.

Being miserable at work is awful. But op has sacrificed career improvement and financial reward to contribute to raising their family, partner seems to have happily given up the family aspect of their role to be a job that may or may not make them happier. It's totally unknown on that front but the known factors are more work for op, more nursery fees, less time for op to be supported and less time with child for partner.

Sorry this is happening op. I would be resentful too. Some of your complaints are symptoms but the disease is lack of communication and basic respect. You've felt disregarded in your role and as such you have perhaps disregarded your partners troubles.
You both need to be honest about what's happening here, and seek some kind of balance. It perhaps cannot be undone overnight but recognising where this has gone wrong would be a start for you both.
These years are the trenches of parenthood. It's long hard work for little reward when you are paying for childcare etc. You shouldn't be the one carrying the burden of stress about drop offs alone etc.

Perhaps your partner played down the issues at work and didn't want to add to your burden given your role in the family. And that could be valid and influenced their actions which seemed rash to you but maybe felt the only way to them.

It sounds like you both have had a hard few years and are coping as best you can. Resentment will fester. Get this sorted and do your best to move on with honesty and compassion for each other. Because you do more childcare doesn't mean you aren't working. And because partner is out of home working doesn't mean they can't be finding it hard or be unhappy. But decisions should be taken in the round and not leave one feeling totally bereft of choice or subject to the heft of the outcome with no influence. That's not a partnership.

If you’re that bothered by the money, increase your work to full time - the responsible thing to do as an adult. Don’t sit and expect your partner to both earn more (while being happy) and also dictate their working hours. Selfish.

That’s only a good idea if the OP is earning more than what they are currently paying for a day at nursery though.

And surely, the DP must/should have thought about that too?
That working 5 days a week means more childcare cost and it wasn’t financially a good idea if she was also not earning as much?
Atm the arrangement as it is is detrimental to them both - less money in the bank AND the DP has less time at home with their baby.
Its nearly as if money and time with their child wasnt important in the DP decision process….

That’s only a good idea if the OP is earning more than what they are currently paying for a day at nursery though.

Yep, can't assume that given that adding a day may have tax and/or subsidised childcare implications. It isn't as simple as work more always be better off financially when there's a young child involved.

Random thoughts,:

Have you had full investigations for PND?

And the possibility of long COVID?

There could be medical issues - as well as what reads like a form of PTSD post so many miscarriages and an awful birth experience.

It also reads like your partner is roleplaying the worst kind of husband behaviour - is she doing that intentionally? Is there any kind of resentment that you were the one who experienced having a baby?

Staying in a job you hate is soul destroying and it's understandable to try to make a happier move.

I'd suggest you also get some support to work on your confidence.

And take a driving course to build your confidence in the new car - it will give you more independence.

And going to nursery is good for a child.

And talk to each other.

Well done for raising the post - expressing, untangling and spilling out, no matter how messily, how you feel, is a good first step to sorting it all out.

I agree, selfish springs to mind

I've only read your posts OP, not the responses you got. Although your second post suggests many of those responses were how I was struck by your opening post.

"It is hard to say everything in a post and I’ve certainly learnt my lesson to suffer in silence as I feel really awful."

Don't you think you're entering into the role of martyr just a bit too enthusiastically? This is Mumsnet, not 'the internet'. The majority of responses to you will have been written by mothers, some of whom will have personal experience of IVF.

Communication between yourself and your partner is not what it should be. And some of the responsibility for that will be down to you. Do you pull the "suffer in silence" card out a lot? Is the reason the job change wasn't discussed enough down to your partner know there was no point?

I think you have to reflect on your own role in your relationship. I wonder if the IVF has been so all-encompassing that you've lost sight of your relationship somewhere along the way. You and she need to reconnect. And you can only do that by honest conversation and willing compromises. She can't dance to your every wish, nor can you to hers. But you can apply yourselves to compromise. It's what every couple has to do.

I disagree. Reducing hours for a short term financial gain (in the rare circumstance where a days nursery for a single child is more than the total earned) is short sighted - it will have an overall impact on the OPs through career earning potential and promotion prospects. I really don’t understand why people elect to return to work part time - other than where health is a factor.

Not everything is about money.

I’m the main earner but I wanted to go part time (4 days), it doesn’t make financial sense now she is about to start school but it makes me happy. I’d rather be happy than have more money!

Plus I had DD at the peak of my career, couldn’t give a flying fuck what happens to it now. I’m coasting to retirement and my defined benefits pension.

You really can't assume that working full time will increase someone's promotion prospects. That simply doesn't follow in every sector, even if a person had promotion prospects in the first place.

Additionally, even in cases where the assumption is correct, that doesn't mean a family will be in a position to afford the short term loss. It's profoundly short sighted to assume the long game looks the same for everyone and also to presume that everyone is in a position to play it.

So true

When dropped from 5 to 4 days a week I had a net loss of £100 a month. This was with a nursery that did 5 days for the price of 4.5 days so it wasn't a full days nursery we lost.

In another world where I increased my days from 4 to 5 days at work I would only been benefiting by £100 a month. This is on a salary above the national average but not massively (still a 20% tax payer)

Did anyone else notice OP called the child "my daughter" throughout the whole post and never "our daughter"? I suspect there is a lot going on here that is not posted, and the partner is being gaslit.

👆🏻This……

I regularly refer to DD as "my daughter". Because she is. Doesn't make her any less DHs daughter. He also refers to her as "my daughter".

Going from that to gaslighting is a reach.

This made me laugh! So basically what I get from your post is that your partner MUST only ever do thing be 100% positive for YOU. If something is like 100% positive for her, but only 99% positive for you, she must NOT do that thing. Come on - your list of reasons why it has "killed you" - these are things which either have between no negative affect on you and a very very mild one. There is ONE problem here and that is that YOU care 100% about you and your opinions and 0% about anyone else!

Big reach. She’s talking to us, not her partner.

You are being entirely unreasonable. You obviously need some therapy to deal with a whole host of issues. You won’t get over them but you’ll learn to better manage and lose some of the toxicity you’re spreading.
your partner is immensely unhappy and working more than you are. Why didn’t you take up a full time job so your partner could reduce her hours?
most children are upset at drop off for a while. You’re upset at losing a company car?!?!? Half an hour?!???

gosh….yeah….YABVU

OP why do you refer to your child as my baby? Surely it should be "our" baby?

YABVU.

I'm gutted for you about the responses. There's a horrid reaction today on mums net. Maybe blue Monday.
Ivf IS a big deal. You only know if you have done it. And it's failed time after time. So different from a bit of sex on an appropriate day.

Your partners choices make no sense to me. Sorry. There's definitely a communication gap. Would you do better with counselling? Talking?

Having years of infertility, my children were my centre. My job etc just were sidelined. Those precious pre school years meant so much to me. I really understand your feelings. Ivf is expensive too. So debt and costs affect decisions. Every pound gas to be counted. So new job, less money plus increased childcare costs don't make sense for me.

I just wanted to reach out and say I understand and not to let a bunch of horrible replies get you fown. They have no idea.

I think all the problems in your post can be overcome or toughed out. However, I do recognise it’s a lot harder to take when you don’t feel you were part of the decision-making process and I would be resentful too. I would focus on telling your partner how it made you feel when she made such big changes without you. DONT do it when you’re mad. Do it when you’re both calm and you’ve had some time to think. Maybe it will turn out to be a good thing; a happier partner often means a happier kid.

Don’t worry about the nursery thing they will be fine. I had to fireman carry my kid in and out of nursery everyday for months until she settled. I also live across a small alley from another nursery. I can hear them greeting the kids as they come in the morning as I’m about 5 ft away and the kids come in crying allll the time in September but I promise they stop as soon as their grownups leave. As of right now it’s not very often at all. Your kid will be okay. ❤️

I've never commented on a mumsnet thread before - but was compelled to write something as I think you've had some really unfair responses. I really feel for you - and I don't think your post was overly selfish, you were just sharing things from your POV (in a reasonable way!) and I can totally understand where you're coming from. For what it's worth, I think it totally warrants chatting with your partner about how you're feeling and you can work on making things work in a way that's good for both of you. Hope this helps a little, as I really don't think you sound like a selfish person. Sounds like you've both been going through a tough time. Good luck with everything.

Maybe your partner feels as unhappy with all whatbwas needed to having the baby, the iVF, the post-partum depression, the settling-in etc. as you are? And yes that is perfectly possible even if it wasn't she who carried your daughter. And she did something about it, she changed jobs and got on top of her negative feelings. Isn't that better for your family than an jnhappy sulking partner?

The idea that you’re unhappy about losing half an hour of your time a day stood out to me OP. 2.5 hours a week so your partner can be happy …

I mean, I can understand why not having the casting vote might feel upsetting but it sounds like your partner made her feelings about her work really clear to you.

The sheer weight on you from having to go to a job you actively hate every day is hideous. You haven’t lost her time with you and daughter…you are gaining 100% of her while she’s home, rather than having half her head on moping about that day and the other half dreading the next.

Support her and she can rearrange her flexible working once she’s got her feet under her table. You, too, could rearrange your options. But surely, if she’s happier and more present in your family, that’s a good thing!