Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Partner wants to share bank account

384 replies

RP1176 · 09/01/2024 13:42

My partner has started saying he thinks we should put all of our salaries into one bank account which both can have access to spend from as they see fit. All bills etc would come out of this account. I earn about £1000 more than him per month and I get a small amount of maintenance from my ex which my partner also wants to go into this joint account. Currently I pay 70% all household bills and most meals out and activities etc. I feel it is unfair as he is bad with money and has several debts he incurred before we met for example his flash car, and for music equipment he bought on finance. I don’t think I should have to pay for his poor choices. Also I have a very demanding job and worked really hard to get to where I am in my career. He chose to go travelling instead of getting an education, again I don’t see why I have to give up my hard earned money because he decided not to get an education or pick a career. I don’t expect him to pay my way and I buy most things for our son and everything for my own son from a previous relationship. He says I am being unreasonable and selfish, what are other people’s perspectives on this?

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 09/01/2024 15:20

Abusive behaviour often starts once a woman has a baby, he thinks he has you stuck now OP, show him the door.

HanSB · 09/01/2024 15:22

He is completely taking advantage of you. He just wants more access to your money despite not contributing properly. This is the type of man who will never pay any maintenance to their child. Beyond selfish and you are too blind to realise it

Mrsttcno1 · 09/01/2024 15:23

The responses would be very different if this was a man posting. The reality is that if you are going to get married and you have children, then he is right in theory that all money should be “our” money. Not yours/his. DH & I do this and are in our twenties, so not generational, but it’s about us being a team. We share a house, we share a dog, we share a child, it would be a ridiculous hassle to just do for joint bill into one account and then be transferring each other money every time one of us bought dog food, nappies, kitchen roll etc. All of our money is joint money and that’s always worked for us. Obviously any big purchases we would discuss first.

There is ways though that you can sort of have “our money” without it all being in one account. You can work it out so that it is:

Your income + his income = X

Then do X - joint bills = Y

Then Y divided by 2 = how much spending money you both get.

This means you both get the same amount of “fun money” each month. Nobody is better or worse off, it means you’ll be paying a higher % of the bills but you do that anyway and as you have said you pay for your child then that would be the case.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General parenting
SighedAndSmiled · 09/01/2024 15:23

Saw your comment about him wanting maintenance if you split, not to particularly care for your child, but just so you’d have to give him money.

He is a horrible man, at least you know this now.
Get some proper advice, somewhere legal.

Olika · 09/01/2024 15:24

This is bad. I am speechless after all your updates. This man doesn't give a shit about you, he only cares about your money. Get rid of him!

Snoken · 09/01/2024 15:24

Why exactly are you with him? What does he do that makes you think he in any way enhances your life?

A lot of people say we give up on relationships too easily, but the goal should never be to have a long relationship, the goal should be to have a good relationship that makes you happy. Those people are the winners, not necessarily those that have been together yonks.

therealcookiemonster · 09/01/2024 15:25

Mrsttcno1 · 09/01/2024 15:23

The responses would be very different if this was a man posting. The reality is that if you are going to get married and you have children, then he is right in theory that all money should be “our” money. Not yours/his. DH & I do this and are in our twenties, so not generational, but it’s about us being a team. We share a house, we share a dog, we share a child, it would be a ridiculous hassle to just do for joint bill into one account and then be transferring each other money every time one of us bought dog food, nappies, kitchen roll etc. All of our money is joint money and that’s always worked for us. Obviously any big purchases we would discuss first.

There is ways though that you can sort of have “our money” without it all being in one account. You can work it out so that it is:

Your income + his income = X

Then do X - joint bills = Y

Then Y divided by 2 = how much spending money you both get.

This means you both get the same amount of “fun money” each month. Nobody is better or worse off, it means you’ll be paying a higher % of the bills but you do that anyway and as you have said you pay for your child then that would be the case.

Edited

did you actually read the full OP and the rest of OP's posts?

if a man came and posted what OP did, I would also tell him to run.

Mischance · 09/01/2024 15:25

When we married we straight away opened a joint account and everything went into that. Over the years one or other of us has been the higher earner, but that had no relevance. I trusted him to discuss any big spends with me; and I him.

But I had not married someone with a bad track record when it came to money - if that had been the case I would not have married him!

GatherlyGal · 09/01/2024 15:25

Mrsttcno1 · 09/01/2024 15:23

The responses would be very different if this was a man posting. The reality is that if you are going to get married and you have children, then he is right in theory that all money should be “our” money. Not yours/his. DH & I do this and are in our twenties, so not generational, but it’s about us being a team. We share a house, we share a dog, we share a child, it would be a ridiculous hassle to just do for joint bill into one account and then be transferring each other money every time one of us bought dog food, nappies, kitchen roll etc. All of our money is joint money and that’s always worked for us. Obviously any big purchases we would discuss first.

There is ways though that you can sort of have “our money” without it all being in one account. You can work it out so that it is:

Your income + his income = X

Then do X - joint bills = Y

Then Y divided by 2 = how much spending money you both get.

This means you both get the same amount of “fun money” each month. Nobody is better or worse off, it means you’ll be paying a higher % of the bills but you do that anyway and as you have said you pay for your child then that would be the case.

Edited

He doesn't want this arrangement though he wants free access to all funds having demonstrated that he cannot manage money. Why would OP jeopardise her financial stability because this man is trying to manipulate her to let him spend her money?

Have you read much of the thread @Mrsttcno1 ?

FurballFrenzy · 09/01/2024 15:26

HoleGuacamole · 09/01/2024 14:42

I don’t think my setup would work for OP if they don’t share financial values (and that’s fine and doesn’t mean they’re fundamentally incompatible), but I just took umbrage with you saying he wouldn’t be saying it if he was the higher earner, as he might.

The main reason I got married (when me and DH earned similar, but it was clear I had greater earning power) was that I wanted anything we built from there to be equal and us both to be protected whatever happens. I feel the need to say this a lot on MN where the advice is generally get married if you’re less financially stable and not if you are more financially stable. My advice married if you both want equal entitlement no matter what happens. And if your partner disagrees with your views on marriage, find someone else.

Show quote history

Ah yes I see, apologies for unintentional offence; it wasn’t the high earner thing per se, as I am also the higher earner in my relationship. It was more the obvious cocklodger nature of her partner who would no doubt not be demanding to share finances completely if he was the high earner! I could have been clearer.

Goldbar · 09/01/2024 15:27

Mrsttcno1 · 09/01/2024 15:23

The responses would be very different if this was a man posting. The reality is that if you are going to get married and you have children, then he is right in theory that all money should be “our” money. Not yours/his. DH & I do this and are in our twenties, so not generational, but it’s about us being a team. We share a house, we share a dog, we share a child, it would be a ridiculous hassle to just do for joint bill into one account and then be transferring each other money every time one of us bought dog food, nappies, kitchen roll etc. All of our money is joint money and that’s always worked for us. Obviously any big purchases we would discuss first.

There is ways though that you can sort of have “our money” without it all being in one account. You can work it out so that it is:

Your income + his income = X

Then do X - joint bills = Y

Then Y divided by 2 = how much spending money you both get.

This means you both get the same amount of “fun money” each month. Nobody is better or worse off, it means you’ll be paying a higher % of the bills but you do that anyway and as you have said you pay for your child then that would be the case.

Edited

No they really wouldn't.

The "pool everything/equal fun money" approach only works when you have two responsible adults making substantial and fair contributions (some of which may be non-financial) to family life.

A case in point would be one parent working part-time around the kids to save nursery costs and picking up the slack at home.

Beyond the £500 per month (a very good deal for a place to stay and all bills included), it's difficult to see any other contribution this man makes to family life.

Wemetatascoutcamp · 09/01/2024 15:30

RP1176 · 09/01/2024 14:29

He says that the £500 he pays is paying for my child because my child lives here, eats the food here, takes baths etc. so he considers he is contributing to my sons upkeep hence why he thinks the maintenance should go into a joint account as well

Honestly don’t have joint finances and seriously reconsider this relationship if thats his attitude. He’s never run his own place for £500 a month so surely he’s better off now than he ever was already? Its his own fault if he’s not got much spare cash if he’s paying off debts!

And his shower argument doesn’t work as if you google- it unless he’s having incredibly short showers he’ll be actually using more energy than you especially if you and DS share the same bath! Sure there’ll be other lines he’s spinning you to make you feel sorry for him that are totally wrong too.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 09/01/2024 15:31

Olika · 09/01/2024 15:24

This is bad. I am speechless after all your updates. This man doesn't give a shit about you, he only cares about your money. Get rid of him!

Precisely.
Just wtf does this leech bring to your life apart from bullying and being a cocklodger.
For heaven’s sake kick him out.

SlipperyLizard · 09/01/2024 15:31

DH and I have always shared our money, from a few months after moving in together. I’ve always earned more than him, but neither of us had significant debts when we met or were bad with money like you say your DP is.

He seems to want you to pay for his past financial mistakes, which is a big fat no from me.

MILTOBE · 09/01/2024 15:34

He's showing his true colours. He's seeing you as a lottery win. You know what? If you did share a bank account with everything put in it, two things will happen: one is that he will resent every penny you spend on yourself and your child, and the other is that he won't have any incentive to go to work. He'll be part-time before you can blink.

Ladyj84 · 09/01/2024 15:34

We have the same bank account, all wages go in, ye bill money is transferred to a separate account where they all go out direct debit and what's left is for either of us to use. Never been an issue for us

nauticant · 09/01/2024 15:34

OP: Do you have any evidence of how his level of debt has changed since he moved in with you?

ConsistentlyElectrifiedElves · 09/01/2024 15:34

My husband and I love each other dearly, have similar'ish financial situations (he's a higher earner than me, but I'm a high earner too) and know each other's financial situations, but I would never pool our money unless we had a child and one of us spent time out of work (which won't happen).

We have a joint account that deals with all joint costs. Anything else is on us to pay for ourselves.

We worked out the costs of running the house and determined that we could each afford to pay 50:50, so always have done. There are times that I'll buy something for the house because I want it (new pretty bedding for example) that I pay for. He wouldn't have an issue if the joint account paid for it, but my view is that it's not something we need, but something I want.

If our earnings were totally disproportionate, or paying 50% each would leave one of us running dry while the other saved a fortune, we'd split the contributions so that it was fairer.

I don't see an issue with a joint account, but not for all your money to go in to it. Just those joint costs (adjusted for any mismatch in earnings and additional costs for your child, for example).

Full consolidation of money? No way Jose!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 09/01/2024 15:35

Has this ramped up since you had a baby with him? He thinks he's trapped you so he's increasing the manipulation to get what he always wanted, a free house, a free housekeeper and all of your money. In fact, more than all of your money because he'll run up debt in your name too.

He won't take the baby most of the time if you split up, firstly he/she is a baby who is still being breastfed and secondly he is not the primary carer. When the child is older the most that he will get is 50/50 shared care, and he probably won't take you up on that. It's just another manipulation tactic.

MILTOBE · 09/01/2024 15:36

So he has £1,200 left to himself - can I ask you if he has ever in his life voluntarily bought anything for the baby with that?

thirdfiddle · 09/01/2024 15:37

The responses would be very different if this was a man posting. The reality is that if you are going to get married and you have children, then he is right in theory that all money should be “our” money.

But this is normally the case because one partner has taken an income hit in order to support the household and enable the other to work full time and earn more. In this case, the partner is contributing neither earnings, housework nor childcare.

What happens when you go back to work OP? Is partner going to be a SAHD? If so then yes you should be sharing your income. Or use childcare and if so who's going to pay for that?
Is he going to step up on the housework front? Or is he in fact going to be an irritating dead weight in which case why not cut him loose now?

tara66 · 09/01/2024 15:40

I think it's about time you asked him when he is going to shower you in diamonds or alternatively just get a better job and earn more money. I hope you laughed in his face re. him having custody of baby - what joke! But he is certainly plotting ahead and he does not love you. Do not let him wear you down - total bastard.

Original poster
RP1176 · 09/01/2024 15:43

I don’t have reduced earnings due to maternity though. I’m on full pay. When I go to work again we will rely on grandparents and nursery a couple of days a week which the fees would be split 70:30

OP posts:
JimBobsWife · 09/01/2024 15:46

RP1176 · 09/01/2024 15:43

I don’t have reduced earnings due to maternity though. I’m on full pay. When I go to work again we will rely on grandparents and nursery a couple of days a week which the fees would be split 70:30

Do you love him? Your posts are strangely dispassionate. You sound like you have a much larger problem than arranging bank accounts. Your relationship (from what you've posted) sounds dysfunctional.

Swipe left for the next trending thread