Partner wants to share bank account

[RP1176]

My partner has started saying he thinks we should put all of our salaries into one bank account which both can have access to spend from as they see fit. All bills etc would come out of this account. I earn about £1000 more than him per month and I get a small amount of maintenance from my ex which my partner also wants to go into this joint account. Currently I pay 70% all household bills and most meals out and activities etc. I feel it is unfair as he is bad with money and has several debts he incurred before we met for example his flash car, and for music equipment he bought on finance. I don’t think I should have to pay for his poor choices. Also I have a very demanding job and worked really hard to get to where I am in my career. He chose to go travelling instead of getting an education, again I don’t see why I have to give up my hard earned money because he decided not to get an education or pick a career. I don’t expect him to pay my way and I buy most things for our son and everything for my own son from a previous relationship. He says I am being unreasonable and selfish, what are other people’s perspectives on this?

I'm the one who has been trying to get my partner to be on board with a joint account for a long time. We've just got one sorted.

Due to me being on maternity leave with our second baby, and having sacrificed my business for 2 years due to a 2yr old and 8 month old, when I return to work in march, even if I went full time (which I'm not), my earnings will be significant lower than pre maternity.

As such, we worked out all the family expenditure (bills, groceries, things for kids, nursery fees etc) and our income (mine maternity allowance and btl income minus personal pension, & his post pension pay), then paid in proportionally. Atm me 30%, him 70%. Makes way more sense that way. Tho, still (not that he thinks so) is biased towards him, as he has way more spare money than me due to working full time, whereas I do more childcare (even on days I'll work, it's only me that can do nursery drop off and pick up due to his hours. When I start earning again I'll pay a bit more in, when I'm earning ok again a bit more again.

Holidays one of us pays, the other transfers half the money.

I definitely think there should be a joint bank account when living together. But not necessarily full incomes

This is bad advice.

They do have a child BUT
he is in debt and says he can't have a luxury life style that he claims the OP has because he has overdrafts. Yet he drives a luxury car and she drives an old banger.
OP already pays for both her child and their joint child.
She pays 70 per cent of the bills.
The house belongs to OP so he doesn't contribute to the mortgage or pay rent.
He says she needs to pay for CHristmas and Birthdays because he doesn't believe in them.
He wants the maintenance her ex pays for her son in the joint account as he begrudges paying towards the child's upkeep in terms of roof over his head (which the OP pays for) food and baths.
He does nothing around the house.
He wants the OP to have both children in her bed whilst he has the son's room to himself.
He calls the OP selfish and unreasonable for not giving him access to all her wages, despite the fact that he has run up debts and is bad at managing money.

Do you still think they should pool all their finances?

When you share family responsibilites (like maternity/giving up your job to care for the children) it is fair to share finances too.

(One person does paid work outside home and can do so because the other works (unpaid) in it. You are a team and your earnings are team earnings in this case)

It does not sound as if the OP's partner has taken on home responsibilities leaving her free to earn. They are not a partnership in that way. (He just wants more money and sees her earnings as available to him.)

OP let's look at the present and future and not the past.

(1) this man is taking advantage of you. YOU are paying for most things. yes you earn more, but he should still be contributing more financially.
(2) you are doing ALL of the household work and parenting
(3) he says awful things to you. manipulates you and gas lights you re finances. generally treats you like crap.
(4) he has absolutely no love or care for your son and actively resents him. he seems to have no actual care for his own child either.
(5)you say you are happy with the financial arrangements as they are. why are you happy being taken for a mug? why are you OK being in a relationship with someone who is treating you like this and wants to literally take food from your children's mouths?
(5) do you want your children to grow up in this kind of environment with him as a role model?

these are the real issues. don't get sucked into irrelevant things such as he said this, you said this. actions speak louder than words. when was the last time you truly felt cared for by this man? the way he is treating you is not normal. not right.

He sounds like he’s already a cocklodger to me, cheeky git wanting to spend your hard earned money. The reason you have more money left over than him is because you have worked hard for it. Unlike him by the sounds of it. Right from the start DH and I have put half each into one joint account that covers all the bills and our food. Whatever we have left over is our own to spend on ourselves or save as we wish. He earns more than me and we have no idea how much the other has left over or how much savings we each have. I am outraged on your behalf that he thinks he’s entitled to your money. I couldn’t be with someone like that I’m afraid.

error that might work for you. but not for op as her partner is an abusive cocklodger. Read all her posts

In your circumstances I agree. However, he's not a SAHP. He's not doing the childcare, housework and supporting the family. He's not sacrificing his career and his pension to provide childcare. He's working. He's paying £500 towards his cost of living. He's using the rest of his money to pay off his existing debts that he ran up. I wouldn't have a joint account with him. I wouldn't want him to ruin my credit.

All married couples do not do this.

As soon as I read this, I knew you'd be earning more money. Get married first then think about it.

No! That’ll give him a chunk of her house- he’s already talking about doing 5/2 so she has to pay him maintenance!

It would be a no from me! DH and me have a joint bank account where we pay the same amount into every month, enough to cover bills & food shopping. We have separate accounts for everything else.
We earn about the same amount now but when I earned less when on maternity & part time I paid a bit less into joint account.
You should definitely keep some back for yourself especially if he's not sensible with money

Ask him if he’s colleagues know he’s contributing £500 a month in total for his and his baby’s keep!

You really want to marry this man ?

You're not getting it, are you. He's getting angry because you've questioned him. He's bullying you into doing what he wants.

No way.

Tbf
Having and caring for a child within a relationship is very very different to Ops situation.
My DH was higher earner and we joined our finances as I looked after DC more.
Now reversed I'm higher earner and he is PT.

This man is a scrounger,terrible with money and gaslighting Op.
I would just get rid

Wow I've just RTFT!

Ditch this cocklodging loser. He's taking advantage of you. Please do not marry him.

I would separate from someone just for threatening that. Imagine what kind of bastard says that to a woman on maternity leave.

FGS get rid!!
He want to use you to pay his debts off and maintain his flash lifestyle
What ON EARTH do you see in him?

I was too hasty in my response. Marrying him would not be a wise decision. Keep your finances separate to keep things simple when you separate.
What he said about effectively paying maintenance for your son shows how greedy he is.
You'll struggle financially if he has access to your money.

Do not pool finances with this wanker.

In fact, never pool finances with someone who is financially incontinent. Ever.

I'd be seriously considering dumping him.

So he thinks £500 is going towards your son’s upkeep and he only you pays you £500 a month, well then I’d tell him he needs to contribute more to cover his own food, rent and baths etc. I’ve never had a joint account and have no plans to. We both pay what we agreed to pay every month so why does it need to go into a joint account just to come out again? If I ever needed extra money my DH would just transfer me it and vice versa. That being said if you were a male with a bigger take home and the female was struggling a lot of people would be calling you out for being tight, greedy, selfish (I’m not saying you are but that’s what I’ve observed on MN).

Op, at the very least....it would not be a smart idea to have a joint account with your DP (making yourself financially connected to him) when he is in so much debt. Your credit score may well be negatively impacted by any overdrafts/credit cards he may be tempted to attach to the joint account.
I think he is trying to take advantage of you financially, when in actual fact you will be able to cope just fine without his minimal financial contributions. He is the one who needs you, not the other way round. Regarding access to baby (should you separate). He doesn't appear to be able to afford to take you to court anyhow, and it's doubtful baby would be plucked away from you and given to him 5 days out of 7 without good reason anyhow

Yet another woman on here who's that desperate for a man in her life that she's too blinded to see a financial abuser. Wake up!!

Or alternatively, marry him, pool all monies and then come back here in a couple of years desperately trying to leave him but you can't because you're in debt & can't afford the divorce.

I paid my parents more than he contributes. I can't believe you had a baby with this awful man.
If you give him access to all of your money you are risking your freedom. The comment about taking the baby for 5 days was a clue of what he will to to you when the relationship inevitably fails. He'll do anything to hurt you. You will be trying to escape with 2 children penniless.
You will potentially be forced to stay in an abusive relationship because you can't afford to leave.
Don't you dare give in.

Interesting how if the sexes were reversed the mumsnet reaction would be the total opposite!

Surely if you have a child together then finances should be joint and shared, like a family unit.