Partner wants to share bank account

[RP1176]

My partner has started saying he thinks we should put all of our salaries into one bank account which both can have access to spend from as they see fit. All bills etc would come out of this account. I earn about £1000 more than him per month and I get a small amount of maintenance from my ex which my partner also wants to go into this joint account. Currently I pay 70% all household bills and most meals out and activities etc. I feel it is unfair as he is bad with money and has several debts he incurred before we met for example his flash car, and for music equipment he bought on finance. I don’t think I should have to pay for his poor choices. Also I have a very demanding job and worked really hard to get to where I am in my career. He chose to go travelling instead of getting an education, again I don’t see why I have to give up my hard earned money because he decided not to get an education or pick a career. I don’t expect him to pay my way and I buy most things for our son and everything for my own son from a previous relationship. He says I am being unreasonable and selfish, what are other people’s perspectives on this?

He will have been saying to his workmates, "It's not fair, I'm always broke and she spends so much money on herself..."

Nope.

While it may amaze you some of us were bought up being told to have separate bank accounts by our parents and other older people including those who are/were married for a very long time.

Yes same as mine . I’m unsure after reading her updates , he seems to just want more money to spend on himself .

Not with the things this man has been saying!
Jeez, read the posts

Don't do this. He is bad with his money and now wants to be bad with your money too. Don't listen to all the threads on here with comments about how money should be shared in a long term relationship as it's 'family money', particularly if you're married.
I'd go as far as to say reconsider your relationship as there's an imbalance with you paying for more and he's already pushing the boundaries.

His weird attitude to money aside.....

I wouldn't share finances with someone who has debts personally. How long until he has paid it off?

What we do is keep £x each in our own private accounts and anything we earn over that amount goes in the joint account.

All bills and mortgage etc come out of the joint account. Personal direct debits etc come out of our own accounts. Basically shared expenses are shared from the joint account, and personal expenses are kept to our own accounts. I think its a happy medium

It sounds like you are financially incompatible. It also sounds like he thinks he will be better off if you have a joint account, which means that you will be worse off. The 'spent freely' from the joint account, comment that he made is the red flag for me. What if he leaves too little to cover the bills? If he currently has £1200 a month for his personal spent/debts etc how much do you have for yourself after all household bills, child costs, food etc have been paid for? Does he think you should help cover his debts? How old are you both? Is there a reason why he can't increase his earnings?

I'm in the he's a cocklodger department.

Hard NO from me.
What he is doing is DARVO
Deny, attack,reverse victim/ offender
He says you are greedy and selfish and he is the victim.
Reality
He is greedy and selfish and you will be the victim.

It’s not going to work the way he wants. Discuss a compromise and show him on a spreadsheet

• say, put you two thirds each of your income into a house account. Add twice your maintenance to it, to cover the extra for your DS. Get all household expenses out of that except the mortgage. Don’t charge him rent.

See how the numbers work then. His pre-existing debts come out of his money, like your expenses for your son.

But-
He’s starting to sound like a bully, not just a spendthrift. He’s going to nickel and dime you to death about your son.

Go back to work when the time comes and let him establish whether he is in fact even a 50/50 parent.

What does he want to happen about rooms if he doesn’t want to be with your son?

It’s because we never ever spoke about this joint account thing until recently. And in the discussions we had about money we both agreed on what we do currently. My partner has changed his mind now, I don’t see how I could have predicted someone suddenly changing their mind about that

Try pushing back. Tell him he gets a damn good deal and he doesn’t want to push his luck.

We had a joint account which had both salaries in it ( he earned more than me). He insisted on a separate account in my name for me to buy any clothes etc. the amount made his salary in the joint account equal and my separate account was just mine. We just agreed that neither accounts was ever overdrawn. When we both retired ‘my’ account became a savings account and he asked me to manage the joint account.

Dear oh dear. A big fat no is your only answer to this.

He wants me to share with both kids. I would not mind that but the baby will wake my son up constantly and then he will get no sleep. He sleeps through currently but if he is disturbed and woken during the night he is very hard to get back to sleep. He would then in turn disturb the baby who is a very light sleeper. So that would make my life ten times harder.

He wants me to share with both kids.

WTF?

If he can't sleep with you and the baby then he needs to go and sleep in the living room either on the floor or sofa.

Small children need their sleep more than adults so your son needs his own space.

Also regardless of the fact you are on maternity leave, he should be parenting e.g. changing nappies, cleaning up the household, the baby as it is his child. Holding the baby while you go and do things is not parenting.

He doesn’t do any cooking and cleaning right now as I am on maternity leave (on full pay so that is not relevant for the money situation) so since he is working and I am off I do everything in the house

He’s a right charmer isn’t he?

Let’s be honest OP; he’s a blackmailing, money-grabbing cocklodger.

You know this. Why are you still with him?

Oh no! - he wants all your money AND the best bed?!
How very dare he!
Don't let him wear you down!
Can you pack his bags and put them out the door?!
Tell him he needs his sleep so should move out!
Question- what would be be like if you became seriously ill?
Answer - he'd be gone.

We had a joint account into which we paid an agreed amount each month to cover mortgage, council tax, utilities and food. For ages we didn't have one but I vaguely remember there being a bit of a change to do with tax rules on mortgage payments, making us change our arrangement. The amounts we paid were based on proportion of income earned so the person who earnt more paid more. Remaining money from salary was our own - we paid for social stuff, holidays etc from this.

To this date, we both have salaries paid into own accounts, savings accounts are separate - and we trust each other on money completely.

I can understand you paying more - you earn more, you have an older son. however if you feel in the slightest bit worried about sharing a joint account with anyone, do not have a joint account.

our way of separate accounts feeding into a joint could be a possibility - but I'm not suggesting you do this unless you are 100% certain.

if he's bad with money and with 2 children to support I personally would be keeping things separate.

This! And particularly this

he can take debts out as joint debts, without you even needing to sign for them. Joint loans, Joint over drafts, Joint credit cards, and you and your children will suffer for it.

You pay for everything for your joint son, everything for your own son and 70 per cent of the bills and he has the brass neck to call you unreasonable and selfish for not handing over 50% of everything you earn?

He's in debt and hoping you will finance his debt and future spending ambitions.

What does a person indebted through his own actions, calling you unreasonable and selfish actually bring to your relationship?

BIGGEST RED FLAG IVE READ!!!! He shouldn't contribute because name isn't on mortgage? Wtf?!
You have been taken for an absolute mug!!!

The moment this cretin wanted access to your CHILDS MAINTENANCE should have been the moment you threw this disgusting pig out.

What have I just read. This can't be real.

'he says I am greedy and I am living a luxury lifestyle while he suffers because he is always in his overdraft.'

...so his reason for wanting joint finances is so that he has access to all your money while he pays back his debts! He sounds awful with money and awful with you too.

Perhaps he has other compensations but he does not sound like the man you want to be tied to for life. He doesn't have your interests or your son's interests at heart.

A man who loved you would want what was best for you not for him!

(He is upfront about wanting your money to spend on himself - he is willing to bully you about money - he is mean and nit-picking about your son.)

I earn about £1000 more take home a month than my husband but that’s tough , we pay 50% of the bills each and I save any surplus I have towards our retirement leaving a bit of money for treats for me and he has a similar amount left over for him to spend as he wishes. There is no way I would pool finances especially not with a man child throwing tantrums about you having more disposable income even after paying the lions share of bills ! He should be paying towards housing costs too - he would have to pay rent otherwise

Are you a family? Is this a long term relationship? Do you have children?

If the answers are no. Don't do joint finances. Stick with his and hers.

If the answers are yes then pooling your resources is the way you go. Go either way ours.

You need to get rid of this cocklodger.

He isn't goiing to get primary custody of your joint child. He's dreaming. Instead of investing your time and money onto him you need to invest your money into a solicitor.

I most certainly wouldn't marry him. He'll take you for every penny you have.

ETA: His £500 isn't paying for his costs let alone supporting your joint child. He's a cheeky fucker even suggesting he's raising your child and should have access to his child maintaince. He's a greedy,money grabbing turd.

I'm all for pooling finances but not in these circumstances.

Have you read the OP's posts?