How old is too old to co-sleep??

[Crazydoglady04]

My partners little girl is 6. She started staying with us every weekend when she was 3 and has had her own bedroom since she was 4 and has slept in her own bed at our house since then. Around the time of doing up her bedroom we spoke to her mum who said she still slept in bed with her, but she was going to decorate a bedroom for her and get her in her own bed before she started school in September.
Fast forward over 2 years and she still co-sleeps with her mum/nana/grandad at home and still does not have her own bedroom.
Everytime they go on holiday and we don't see her for a week we go back to square one of getting up repeatedly for hours in the middle of the night because she refuses to stay in her own bed.
So my question is, what age is too old to co-sleep? We feel like 6 is a bit too old now, and she should be able to self sooth and fall asleep on her own which she cannot do. Her mum says she doesn't want to upset her daughter and she'll start sleeping in her own bed when she's ready.
The most important thing to us is that she has consistency but we seem to be on very different pages with her mother.

My dd co slept until 12. She did always have her own room and fell asleep on her own in my bed before me. Then at 12 decided she wanted to use her own bed and has ever since.

My ds would occasionally come into my bed until he was about 8.

I found the best thing was to not make a big thing of it. The more secure they feel, the more likely they are to stay in their own bed.

If it's at the weekends, have you tried wearing her out more during the day. Long walks, swimming, cycling etc.

As long as the child is happy to do so. Six is still very young and her mum is right that she’ll stop when she is ready. One of mine loved to co sleep and I would often wake up to find him in my bed until he was around 8.

Why can’t she sleep with her dad when upset at yours? I wouldn’t ever turn away one of my children when upset in the night.

Thank you for your perspectives!

We do swimming lessons, horse riding, dog walks she goes out on her scooter/bike. So she's very active and will sleep 8-8 when she's in a routine with us. It's just whenever we don't see her for a week we go back to square one.

We will always comfort her, big cuddles and stay with her until she falls back to sleep. She isn't turned away so to speak, we always make sure she is okay.

Our concern is that at home, when her mum gets out of bed she will scream until she comes back, her mum says she resorts back to baby talk 'mama come' 'drink mamma' things like that.

I don't have a child of my own, just trying to navigate having a step daughter so I really appreciate all your view points!

I think the main thing is they're supposed to have their own room so they have the option of going there instead of with a parent.
That would be something I would push for because she will likely start sleeping in her own room as she'll have her own space at home aswell, but even if she doesn't then atleast she has the option.

When they say "I don't want to do this anymore".

As long as it's child led and what the child wants co-sleeping is fine. It's only when the parents are pushing it beyond when the child does that it turns into an issue.

They usually start pulling away by 10 years old but I know a lot of 8-9 year olds who still love sleeping with a parent now and then.

My DD co-slept until she was 10, she has always had her own bed. I did not feel the need to force it, many, many adults don't feel comfortable sleeping alone so why should a small child. Although we may live in safe houses now I think it's probably an evolutionary / instinct thing to want to sleep in a group. What I did do though was buy a large pregnancy pillow which takes up a chunk of her bed and is like cuddling me after DD said the main reason she stil shared was because I was warm and squishy 😆.

Before I had dc my only experience with kid' sleep was the family I babysat for. All three of their kids slept in own room from six months on. So, I always thought it's just a question of being consistent from the start...
When I had dc one of my friends said or he's an only he'll co-sleep with his parents. I thought surely not.

Fast forward seven years and he's in our bed for most of the night. He always had his own bed though -I think that part is important - sometimes he'll manage to fall asleep in his bed but by midnight he's in our bed.

It is to do with how secure the child feels and I don't think it can be rushed. But of course as a parent you keep gently encouraging...

The mum needs to organise her her own bedroom so dc has a choice when ready.

Children should always have THE OPTION of their own room. If they choose to sleep with parents then fine, maybe it gets weird if they’re hitting puberty (6 isn’t even close) but they should always be making their own choice. Realistically I don’t know what you can do about it but I think it’s wrong that mum hasn’t sorted a room for her yet.

If you’re only having to reset (for want of a better word) her after she’s been on holiday with mum is this really that much of an issue? How often do they go away?

My friend sleeps with her 12 and a half year old boy I think it's adults not wanting to lose their baby when it gets to the older ages

21 maybe? I had my 18yo in my bed the other night.

I don't think it's right that your DSD doesn't have her own bedroom at her mum's house, but unfortunately you don't have control over that, nor do you have control over the mum by telling her how to parent her own child in her own house.

6 is still so young. Either let her co-sleep with her dad if she wants, or just be consistent at your house with her sleeping in her own room.

Mine still co-sleep occasionally at 13 and 15, mostly when they are feeling unwell. They stopped regularly co-sleeping around 7/8. Personally I don’t see an issue with it, although it becomes more problematic as they get older/bigger, just from a space/comfort point of view. As long as everyone is able to get a decent night’s sleep.

I think there isn't an age when it's too old to co-sleep

But I do think a child should have their own bed from age 2/3 so that they have a choice, not necessarily their own room not everyone can afford that luxury

Mines 4 and sleeps with me. I'm going to make a big thing of decorating his room this year in the hope he wants to sleep in it because he's a bit big and fidgety now, but ultimately I'll let him stay til he doesn't want to. I know adults who struggle to sleep alone after all.

You're right that consistency is important but kids are very good at knowing different routines apply in different places. Mine only sleeps in his dad's bed when he wakes up too early!

My DD1 is nearly 10 and still occasionally comes in with us when she’s had a bad dream. 99% of the time, she stays in her own bed and even takes herself off now to do her own bedtime. She was a child who needed DH or I sat next to her until she was around 6 to be able to fall asleep.

DD2 is 3 and has got back in the habit of climbing in our bed with us every night. I know she’ll move past it soon enough.

I think 6 is still quite young but I do understand the frustration of inconsistency. Maybe have a chat with her mum as to how you can all move forward with this.

The problem with asking this on here is MN is pretty obsessed with co-sleeping. A lot of sole parents also seem to encourage it as they want someone to have snuggles (yep) with.

Then there’ll be the ‘many cultures co-sleep’ responses, overlooking the fact that those families are often living in overcrowded accommodation unlike Ryan and Sophie living in a perfectly nice three bedroom in Maidenhead.

Personally I think children need their own beds, and be encouraged to sleep in it, can’t see anyone getting a decent night sleep with extra bodies crammed into a double (or even kingsize) bed.

You also read on here how one parent is sometimes banished to the sofa or the child’s bedroom, ridiculous.

Disclaimer: of course it’s fine to have a poorly or upset child in with parents, but years of having a long limbed 7 year old ruining sleep, no thanks.

My 11 year old was in beside me last night.

If your partners Ex is still single she is probably not pushing her daughter sleeping independently for her own selfish reasons.
Its not doing her daughter any good by babying her but she probably already knows that.

If she has her own room then I think it’s fair enough to start the night there with the reassurance that if she wakens up and wants to come through, she can. You may find she just then sleeps her 8-8 (you do know how incredibly lucky you are to have a child that even DOES that?!?) as normal…
You can’t control what her mum does- not your Battle.

I think 6 is still really young. We never co-slept but I know plenty of people who did until much older than 6. In some cultures it's completely normal. I wouldn't make a big deal of it. What her mum chooses to do is none of your business (unless the child was being abused of course). I do understand it has a knock on effect for you but there's not much you can do about it.

Same here. Mine co slept until about eight or nine, but my eldest who has just turned 19, likes to be in with me sometimes , if she is feeling sad about something and wants company.
My dds had their own room always but when they were little preferred to be in the big bed next to me. All over the world families sleep together. If you watch Korean dramas for instance, you will see an adult granddaughter cuddled up with her grandmother, or late teen children in with parents or siblings.

Co-sleeping really is the norm, rather than the other way around - most mammals sleep with their young.

Each family needs to do what is right for them but from my POV a 6 year old child is still very small. For full disclosure, my 12 year old and 14 year old will still fight over who gets to bunk in with me when my husband is away for the night!

When my DC were young, they are adults now, I'd never even heard of co sleeping. DC slept in a cot in parents room for first 6 months to a year then the cot was moved into their own room. At about 2 years the cot went and the DC got a bed. That was it. If the DC had a nightmare or unwell a parent might sleep in the child's bed with them. But rare. Now I read about co sleeping quite often.

Ok. How is that helpful to OP?

My daughter used to get into bed with me until she was 18.. l remember one morning waking up when she was 13 and realising she slept in her own bed all night.
I was a single parent scince she was two .
When my eight year old Grandson sleeps over he sleeps with me.. even though he has his own room here.
Six is very young. Let her Mum deal with her at her house.. and you parent and your house.