How old is too old to co-sleep??

[Crazydoglady04]

My partners little girl is 6. She started staying with us every weekend when she was 3 and has had her own bedroom since she was 4 and has slept in her own bed at our house since then. Around the time of doing up her bedroom we spoke to her mum who said she still slept in bed with her, but she was going to decorate a bedroom for her and get her in her own bed before she started school in September.
Fast forward over 2 years and she still co-sleeps with her mum/nana/grandad at home and still does not have her own bedroom.
Everytime they go on holiday and we don't see her for a week we go back to square one of getting up repeatedly for hours in the middle of the night because she refuses to stay in her own bed.
So my question is, what age is too old to co-sleep? We feel like 6 is a bit too old now, and she should be able to self sooth and fall asleep on her own which she cannot do. Her mum says she doesn't want to upset her daughter and she'll start sleeping in her own bed when she's ready.
The most important thing to us is that she has consistency but we seem to be on very different pages with her mother.

I was begging my 11yo DS to sleep in his own bed last night. He can and he lives his own toom and bed but he just wants cuddles!!

I'm not really sure what you can do about this beyond tough it out and trust that she will at some point want more autonomy and independence and adapt better between homes.

• loves his own room

I co slept with my mum until I went to high school.

My DS is 8 and still loves sleeping with me or DH. The other usually ends up in DS' bed!

People tend to mix two different topics:

Is it ok to co-sleep with a 6yo? Yes of course and as long as the child wants it, why not. (not sure about the co-sleeping with grandad though but maybe just me).

However, a child should be able to settle on their own at this age. They should also have the option of their own bed to go to.

My DS9 sleeps with me on a weds and Sunday, he would every night if it was up to him but he's a wriggle bum so this is our compromise.

DSs sleep in their own beds unless they are ill nor have a nightmare. DS1 is mightily indignant about this at times (he’s 11 and has pointed out fairly sharply that DH gets to cuddle up to me at night so why shouldn’t he get a turn of having cuddles). DS2 (7) would dearly like to cosleep with me (to the exclusion of DH and his brother). Both are not permitted regularly because they are hyperactive starfish in their sleep and DH and I can’t cope. 6 is still pretty young if there’s space. But I do agree she should have the option of her own room!

I agree wholeheartedly with this. The occasional night due to being poorly or upset is fine, but I also have no desire to share our bed full time with 2 DC. Whilst I’d never turn them away, I personally think teaching your child how to self settle from the start is the best route for all.

DS slept on his own until we moved when he was 22 months. Then he wouldn't sleep on his own if I was home (not on business travel) until he was 6 years old. He had beautiful bedrooms and a comfortable bed. But he was scared for legitimate reasons. A good friend stayed in his bed for one night and that was enough to make him start sleeping on his own. I purchased a battery operated light that you squeeze to turn on and it goes off automatically. This gave him the confidence if he woke up in the dark.

We moved back to the UK to a 1 bedroom and he was back to sleeping with me for a few months. Now 7.5 he's back in his bed and going to sleep on his own with his light and also a clock that he can check when he wake up.

I strongly believe that human nature is to feel secure sleeping with our grown ups. In many cultures it is still normal. If you can tolerate it, then its fine. If it interrupts your sleep too much then try to assess what the problem. I recently discovered that my son wanted to sleep in my bed sometimes because my bed feels more 'cozy'. I purchased a new mattresspad, purchased a new duvet that was the same as mine, and I let him choose a new duvet cover. He had chosen (2 months ago) a gaming design from Dunelm but the thing felt very stiff and never softened. And a new pillow! Those changes made a huge difference. He's sleeping better!!!

The baby talk is normal for 6. I treat it as a sign that she wants to be babied a bit and go along with it. It lasts about two seconds and then she gets bored with it because she isn't a baby and she knows it.

Haven’t read all the responses but I think your situation is different from most saying that they co sleep with their OWN children. I have a blended family and my partner co slept with his children when I first moved in, it made me feel uncomfortable sleeping in a bed with children that weren’t mine (plus also caused issues with my own children).

I think you just need to be consistent with putting her back in bed when she comes back, children know what rules apply to each home. My step son who is 9 sleeps in his own bed no problem in our house but still co-sleeps with his mum.

It's not up to anyone but the mother how she parents her child. Who said there's an age limit? You are with a man who has a child and raising one is difficult, and there's going to be many more issues where you feel you are back at square one and that is going to be on you to resolve, without making out it's the other parents fault. I understand that you are trying to be as understanding as possible by asking it but this reeks of 'this isn't the norm and I'll prove that asking Mumsnet". What if this was overwhelmingly in your favour, what would the outcome be then? Try making mother feel bad about it? Apologies if you genuinely are just wondering.......but how's that going to help with the fact you feel you're taking steps back when she comes there after being with her mum!? A 6 year old, especially with parents that have broke up will need comfort, they are forced to grow up too quickly it's really sad. Anyway, 6 definitely isn't too old to be in bed with a parent, no age is as long as that is what they want. you don't see adults who can't sleep alone, everything comes with time!

She has a double bed. I used to co-sleep with her in her bed but these days I stay until she goes to sleep and then go to our room. She sleeps through until the morning unless she has a bad dream, and then she'll come in and one of us will go back to her room with her.

So you want consistency but are not respecting the mothers and daughters wishes? Surely in this case better for you to follow what they do- seeing as this only applies to you for two days a week?

Ours only co sleep if ill and there all 3 and under x 3 and teen has own room also..I value my sleep to much lol

@maddiemookins16mum
I agree with you, MN does tend towards babying and not encouraging independence.
12+ and 19 yr olds needing to climb in for comfort is ridiculous, have they never learned how to cope with negative emotions? or is it mummy clinging on to childhood?
Op saying this child is co sleeping with all adults in her life is hardly ideal, how does she learn boundaries to keep herself safe?

Don't sweat it, this too shall pass. Concentrate on having the best relationship you can with her. In years to come none of this will matter but your relationship will.

It absolutely isn't me trying to prove I'm right, so apologies if that's how it's coming across. Cosleeping for us as children was not the norm and I do not have a child of my own so I am here asking opinions of parents to see what is the norm in their households so I have a better understanding.

Gosh... Mind blown by this thread. I never co-slept (not even DH and I co-sleep!). DD's may have come in a handful of times when they had nightmares or ill, but even then just for a cuddle and went back to their own beds. They always loved their own beds, and their own space. We all appreciate a bed to ourselves 😂

I think this is a pretty key point to be honest, does she have a room at her mum's house at all? Anywhere she can sleep independently if she wants to?

6 isn't too old to co-sleep at all, I also think 6 is old enough to know there are different rules and routines at mums house and dad's house. The issue with your DSD's mum's house, is she doesn't have the option really? She needs her own room and her own space, and if she wants to sleep I there fine, if not it's also fine to co-sleep.

Is co-sleeping really this common or is mumsnet just really pro co-sleeping?

My DD is 2 and has slept I'm her own bed 8 til 8 since she was 8 months (with very gentle sleep training). If she wakes up in the night she settles back to sleep on her own 90% of the time. If she can't she'll shout and we'll go sit by her bed til she's back to sleep. I know different things work for different people/children but I just couldn't handle having my child so dependant on me for sleep, it would make me a terrible parent because I'd be sleep deprived and cranky. And I think having her own space and instilling those boundaries (I.e. MY bedroom and YOUR bedroom) is super important and teaches independance and confidence and respect for other space (and to expect respect for her own space).

But as to your actual question OP. I think co-sleeping at 6 is OK, definitely not what I would do, but not detrimental. And I guess managing different routines is all part of the two household deal. But I absolutely think she should have her own room and bed by 6 even if she chooses to sleep in her mums.

She doesn't have the option at her mums. They have a guest room that she is supposed to be decorating and turning into daughters room. They live in a town house and the guest room is on the 3rd floor on its own, so I'm unsure if that would work with her being so young? Going from cosleeping with her mum to being in her own room on a separate floor of the house? Or maybe I'm just over thinking now

She has a different relationship with you and her dad than she has with her mum - you don't need to be 'consistent' over the two households.
Don't try to manage her relationship with her mother.

DC1 stopped co sleeping at about age 4 and DC2 to stopped at about age 2, mainly because they were keeping me awake! I just quietly led them back to their own beds and left them there. I found sitting with them didnt help as the whole point was that they needed to go back to sleep by themselves if they woke up in the night, not with me. Eventually they stopped coming in (unless they're ill or there really is a problem)

Ultimately the mother is going to so what suits her and there's not much you can do about that unfortunately

I think the cosleeping might be a red herring. What state is the DSD room at her mums in? Is it a safe place for her go to during the day - safe from an emotional perspective rather than physical. We all need a place we can all ours even if sharing with another person. I am highly introvert and shared a room with my sister until my teens. I made a den at the bottom of my wardrobe as space just for me. I when I went through a hard time at 17/18 I used to imagine being hugged by my deceased great granddad as I just needed to be held and didn't have the sort of relationship where I could ask my mum. We never outgrow the need for human contact but as we get older we manage without it daily. It is personal when that point is. Just before sleep is actually the only time I accept a hug!

My daughter cosleeps with us for a lot of the night she's 3.5 but we all sleep better if we have some of the night on our own. For me, I need an hour without her in our bed to reset from the previous day and start the next day