How old is too old to co-sleep??

[Crazydoglady04]

My partners little girl is 6. She started staying with us every weekend when she was 3 and has had her own bedroom since she was 4 and has slept in her own bed at our house since then. Around the time of doing up her bedroom we spoke to her mum who said she still slept in bed with her, but she was going to decorate a bedroom for her and get her in her own bed before she started school in September.
Fast forward over 2 years and she still co-sleeps with her mum/nana/grandad at home and still does not have her own bedroom.
Everytime they go on holiday and we don't see her for a week we go back to square one of getting up repeatedly for hours in the middle of the night because she refuses to stay in her own bed.
So my question is, what age is too old to co-sleep? We feel like 6 is a bit too old now, and she should be able to self sooth and fall asleep on her own which she cannot do. Her mum says she doesn't want to upset her daughter and she'll start sleeping in her own bed when she's ready.
The most important thing to us is that she has consistency but we seem to be on very different pages with her mother.

Thinking differently? What happened to human beings having common sense?

Oh dear! You realise that people doing things differently to you doesn't mean that you're wrong? You seem very defensive at having your views challenged and determined that there's a right way, your way, that's the only way.

I may counter "what happened to empathy?"

Oh ok, you’re on a wind up. No problem

Look here. The 6 year old behaves normal when shes with the dad. When she goes to the mum shes a spoiled brat and her dad and partner have to go to square one when shes back from holiday. Where must the empathy come in here? Come on guys!!

Oh, you know them then? Silly me.

When I was with my Mum I was very strictly not allowed to co-sleep with her and was in my own room from 6 weeks. When I stayed at my Dads I co-slept with him until I was 10/11 years old. I knew there were different rules at different houses but I don’t know when I learnt that. If that makes sense?

Whybdo you think ot ridiculous for a 6 year old to sleep in bed with someone but not for grown adults to? This is such a bizarre concept. The majority of grown adults share a bed with someone else and over 50 percent of the world's children as well as all known mammal infants.

If its something you don't want to do that's perfectly fine but making out like it isn't the norm is just inaccurate.

I know. You are not the only one love 😬

My child went away on camps from age 7, no issues at all. He just didn't like sleeping alone, in a dorm or tent with other kids was fine, even kids he'd only met on camp. If he was tired earlier than usual he would take himself to bed and could fall asleep alone (knowing I would later join him). Cosleeping did not have any negative effect on his independence.

I actually created an account because this made me so mad 😂
all these parents telling you it’s normal and how adults don’t like to sleep alone are completely wrong and insecure. Her mother is not a mother, she’s desperate to be a friend or just babying her because she doesn’t want her to grow too independent and need her less and make her feel less loved now she hasn’t got the attention of a spouse. This girl is CLEARLY ready to sleep alone because she does so in your home, it’s when she goes back to her spineless mother that things regress and she sleeps with her (big red flag she won’t give her a room to even choose her own space) and the incessant baby talk at 6? Concerning to say the least. You three need to sit down and set it out that she made a promise to give her a room two years ago and she did not, tell her your both going to get in touch with social services to help her and see what can be done to ensure she’s able to stay in her own bed (pretend it’s down to her mental capacity say your concerned she might need therapy etc) and just manipulate her (just like she is manipulating your step daughter) into finally putting that poor child first, because it’s not fair that she is emotionally manipulating this child into sleeping in the beds of grown adults. She clearly feels safe and secure in your home versus her mothers, it wouldn’t be the worst thing for her to sleep in mums bed once a month or even twice but nightly where she can’t self soothe is a huge huge issue! Your children should be more than able to self soothe and comfort and sleep alone. Find a way to sit down and get this through her head and if she doesn’t budge utilise your local services (social services gets a bad reputation but they’re there to help families with things like therapy etc) I hope this poor girl manages to sleep in her own bed before kids at school catch on she’s acting like a newborn baby. You don’t deserve to be stuck picking up the pieces and fixing the situation every single time her mother decides she needs love and attention.

You're probably seeing why co-sleeping is still such a taboo subject with some of these replies OP.

This is an anonymous forum so you're going to get people giving you their reality.

Some people really can't cope with discovering what they and their families do is different to others and need to pick a fight in order to be right.

It's good to see that you possess empathy in your replies though.

Certainly the OP seems sensible enough not to go to social services over the matter.

@Chrys074652

You made an account to tell the OP that she should call social services for co-sleeping?!? 😂😂

OP make sure the little girl knows the difference between the two places and act accordingly

👆🏻this will bells on.

mum is babying her daughter for her own benefit because she’s single and wants it. I’d actually see it as a form of (albeit extremely mild) abuse for her to not have her own room because the option of privacy and space is literally being withheld from her.

It must be so frustrating knowing she can sleep contently in her own room at the posters house but that is distributed after long times back at mums.

you agree that if the OP doesn’t manage to persuade the mum to agree with her she should contact social services? Is that really your position?

Wow! This has clearly touched a very, very raw nerve with you. If you genuinely went to the trouble of creating an account to spout this much vitriol, there is clearly a lot more going on in your background than perhaps meets the eye. I won't speculate but, with all due respect, you really need to talk to someone to unpick why you have had such a vehement and vitriolic reaction to a fairly commonplace occurrence.

I think it’s called offering another point of view.

Recognising that this might not be a popular viewpoint on this thread but personally I would not co-sleep. It’s not a criticism of people that do, I just don’t know why people would encourage it and I believe that is set up from an early age and at every opportunity in my parenting that it could have happened, I have chosen other techniques and sometimes it would have been easier to just have him in bed with me for some sleep but I genuinely feel it would have been causing myself more problems long term. Not to mention the fact that my bed is for me and my husband. We will sooth our son but in his own room and then he goes back to sleep on his own. But each to their own on this.

My son is two and we do as you do/did. It has worked well so far.

She isn’t. She is asking for opinions and advice. Don’t be dismissive. If you have nothing useful to say, then don’t.

Children often need mum morethan dad so you can't compare

I don't see a problem. But then I still jump into mum's bed for a snuggle and I'm 43!

I grew up in a single parent home, I had my own room since I was little but I co slept on and off with my mum forever really! When I was older , more like junior high school, I was co sleeping with my mum now and then (not every day) but it was my comfort and I loved it! I grew up to be super independent so there is nothing to worry about that! I have two kids of our own now and the eldest (3 yo) sleeps in his own room but we very often wake up and we found him in our bed! I am sure he ll grow out of it!

Oh god MN is an echo chamber of co sleepers.

Imho, most children should cope with sleeping in their own bed by age 3. Its normal for them to come in with you for eg when poorly, very occasionally, but for that to become less and less common.

I think when parents allow it routinely throughout childhood it simply validates the child's fear of being a few metres away in another room. There's absolutely nothing to be scared or insecure about being in a safe, warm bed in the room next to mum & dad.

Mine 7 y o has probably spent 1 night in my bed in the last four years. 4 year old probably 3 nights in the last year. Both are happy and confident and have a very close relationship with me & DH. As toddlers they would occasionally try to ask to sleep in our bed etc, usually when overtired or as a means of delaying going to bed - they always took FAR longer to nod off with us there!! We rarely allowed it.