How old is too old to co-sleep??

[Crazydoglady04]

My partners little girl is 6. She started staying with us every weekend when she was 3 and has had her own bedroom since she was 4 and has slept in her own bed at our house since then. Around the time of doing up her bedroom we spoke to her mum who said she still slept in bed with her, but she was going to decorate a bedroom for her and get her in her own bed before she started school in September.
Fast forward over 2 years and she still co-sleeps with her mum/nana/grandad at home and still does not have her own bedroom.
Everytime they go on holiday and we don't see her for a week we go back to square one of getting up repeatedly for hours in the middle of the night because she refuses to stay in her own bed.
So my question is, what age is too old to co-sleep? We feel like 6 is a bit too old now, and she should be able to self sooth and fall asleep on her own which she cannot do. Her mum says she doesn't want to upset her daughter and she'll start sleeping in her own bed when she's ready.
The most important thing to us is that she has consistency but we seem to be on very different pages with her mother.

@WeHaveChocIcesInTheFreezer I'm genuinely curious how all these kids who co-sleep manage when they go away on school trips/sleepovers /guides/scouts etc. Mine love their own beds & I'm a light-sleeper anyway so I'd get no sleep at all with a fidgety child next to me! Even my cats don't sleep on my bed.

I think children should always have the option of their own room and bed (past about 1 year old). but it's none of your business what her mum does, assuming no safeguarding or safety concerns (like the adult is drunk).

I am quite surprised to hear how many people find it acceptable and normal to have older children routinely sleep in their beds. What happens if these children have to sleep elsewhere for some reason?
I have a friend who cannot travel or stay out late any more because their child only sleeps if they are in bed with them. I always thought this is madness but it sounds like this is quite acceptable now…

My 5 year old (youngest of four) has slept in my bed since day one. She can share with her sister anytime she's ready but she doesn't want to yet. It's her decision, I'm happy to have her beside me as long as she wants to be. All of my children have co-slept (though none as long as my youngest has) so it's completely normal to our family.

I don't think it's any of your business to be honest. If dad and mum want to discuss it that's up to them. But as long as there are no safe guarding concerns, what happens when she is with her mum is ultimately nothing to do with him.

I remember someone I worked with being very distressed because his 9 year old daughter was co sleeping with his ex wife and her new partner. He did not for one moment suspect any wrongdoing from the new man but was very uncomfortable at the idea of his young daughter sleeping in a bed with a man who wasn't her father.

It was a perspective I'd never thought of before and I think it does need to be considered depending on the dynamics of the individual family. I also think it's good practice for children to be able to sleep independently.

Exactly this, with bells on!

OP I came from a house where there were three of us, there was not an option for us to be in with our parents co-sleeping, there would have been no way to working that! SS is also one of three at jis mums, so it was a non starter! I agree that learning to self settle is part of confidence and independence building.

What mum does is down to her and given the room for her daughter is on another floor and she is a single parent this can have an underlying impact, certainly, 6 isn’t an age that makes this inappropriate and therefore if she wants to run her household this way that’s her prerogative, totally, but I think you are doing the right thing too.

I also have to ask how the heck do any people co-sleeping with their kids are maintaining their partnerships/marriages in this type of set up where their kids are in with them every night….

My DD, despite repeated attempts at providing ' own room': 'own bed,'...continued C/ S with myself ( even defiantly squeezing me off the side of a SINGLE for months). Untill a meltdown then going to live with her Other parent at AGE 13 YEARS... She's had her moments but seems a successful well adjusted adult.

They manage because they are sharing a room with others.

Sometimes young kids simply don't want to sleep in a room on their own.

How is this your business anyway?

(My SIL still bed-shares with her mum when her mum visits, she is 45. Guess what, she's perfectly fine and well-adjusted.)

As others have said why are you trying to manage her relationship with her parents? Why are you trying to train her into her own room every time she stays? It's very disruptive for someone that young to have to stay somewhere else every weekend and even worse for her that she can probably feel the judgement from her father's partner about seeking comfort at night. Maybe you should go in the spare room. Or can you not self soothe?

I don’t think there is a cut off
mine was still occasionally visiting me at 6 and now aged 8 has totally stopped. I do know some older children that co sleep occasionally, I don’t think it’s that unusual tbh

Single parent here - mine is only out my bed at the age of ten, her choice. She comes in occasionally if she can’t sleep. No big deal. She always had a bed to sleep in by herself if she wanted but she never wanted to.

she’s managed to stay at other peoples houses but sometimes struggled to get to sleep.

I really have no time for adults who judge parents and kids for co sleeping who regularly sleep in the same bed as their partners. We do it cos it’s nice, and because it feels comforting - why should kids not feel the same way?

six is still little, no wonder she likes comfort.

Is there a particular method or book you used? Have a very clingy 7 month old who feeds to sleep and Co-sleeps and I’m struggling to change it, definitely couldn’t handle cry it out but personally don’t fancy the idea of co-sleeping well into older childhood purely from a comfort/sleep/my own independence perspective.

What has it got to do with you? 😵‍💫
I'm sorry, but you seem far too opinionated on this

That's your opinion 😊 if you read my other comments I have clearly explained cosleeping was not the norm in my family and I'm asking opinions of parents to better my understanding of it. We felt consistency was the best for her, however since reading all the comments I have learnt both households don't have to be the same and cosleeping with her mum and sleeping independently at our house is not a problem.

We felt consistency was the best for her

Totally get that you’re trying to be a supportive partner and step-mum but this sort of thing is for her mum and dad to agree on and stress about.

Still has nothing to do with you. Your kind of intrusiveness would drive me insane honestly.

Never mind the cutting remarks. I can totally understand where you are coming from and why you asked.

To all the mums co-sleeping with teenagers / older children

Do you not have partners?

I understand its for her mum and dad to discuss, however they don't have a relationship and all communication goes through me. So I'm stuck in the middle trying to navigate with no previous experience in being responsible for a child.
Just trying to understand what's best for the little one without having unnecessary conversations with her mum that may unintentionally offend her because I don't fully understand

I don’t co-sleep with my DD1 but she does climb in occasionally when she’s unwell or had a bad dream. She nearly 10. DD2 is in most nights and she’s 3.

I have a DH and am currently pregnant with DS. He is father to all of them.

Well, that’s awkward! I feel for you.

What's that got to do with it?

I guess the child is coming into her bed which kind of makes it her business? I can see why she wouldn't be comfortable with that given obviously they're no relation. OP loads of parents are used to musical beds at night and if they don't want to sleep beside a child for whatever reason they'll go and sleep in a spare bed if there is one and leave the child with the other parent.

They don't need to discuss it, and you don't need to get involved.