How old is too old to co-sleep??

[Crazydoglady04]

My partners little girl is 6. She started staying with us every weekend when she was 3 and has had her own bedroom since she was 4 and has slept in her own bed at our house since then. Around the time of doing up her bedroom we spoke to her mum who said she still slept in bed with her, but she was going to decorate a bedroom for her and get her in her own bed before she started school in September.
Fast forward over 2 years and she still co-sleeps with her mum/nana/grandad at home and still does not have her own bedroom.
Everytime they go on holiday and we don't see her for a week we go back to square one of getting up repeatedly for hours in the middle of the night because she refuses to stay in her own bed.
So my question is, what age is too old to co-sleep? We feel like 6 is a bit too old now, and she should be able to self sooth and fall asleep on her own which she cannot do. Her mum says she doesn't want to upset her daughter and she'll start sleeping in her own bed when she's ready.
The most important thing to us is that she has consistency but we seem to be on very different pages with her mother.

@VenhamousSnake

You know it's perfect possible for children to share a bed some nights with a parent and still be happy and confident and able to sleep in their own bed on other nights.

No fear. No insecurity. Just doing things differently to you.

Exactly. Why assume it's anything to do with 'fear'. Mine was going on camps from 7, sleeping in dorms or tents with other children but without me. This included camps where he knew no one. He just preferred to room share. He sometimes slept in his own room, sometimes in mine until moving out for good at 11.

Honestly doesn't anyone just say no to their kids?

Yes they might be upset. Yes, they'll get over it

"You'd like to sleep in my bed? No dear, you have your own." Ignore reaction.

It makes me laugh all these people say "DC wouldn't sleep anywhere else". Of course DC bloody would if you just put your foot down and say no! They'd probably cry for a bit first to try and get you to change your mind. my DC also cry if i won't give them chocolate for tea - its normal for children to cry if they don't get their way. We can't meet their every wish, lots of them are selfish or unreasonable or impossible.

I feel strongly that children do need to learn that mummy and daddy are their own people with their own needs and wants, and that is fine for them to refuse their child's want (its not a need) to sleep with a parent). No way does a parent sleep as well with a wriggling 6 year old in their bed, and what if parents want to have sex? No i don't want to be relegated to doing it on the sofa because a 6 year old feels entitled to mine & DH bed instead of their own.

"You'd like to sleep in my bed? No dear, you have your own." Ignore reaction.

I had no reason to say this as I was fine with sharing, particularly in winter, it was warmer for me, child, and cat to share.

No way does a parent sleep as well with a wriggling 6 year old in their bed

Cosleeping children are less likely to be 'wriggling' than children that sleep in their own bed and only share when ill or similar as they are used to sharing. DS did not 'wriggle', he moved much less in his sleep than I do. I slept just as well as I do alone.

The majority of young children sleeping in a room alone would be a very new thing. Even after families stopped sleeping all in a single room, you had families with multiple children in two and three bedroom houses, sharing with siblings was the norm, often sharing beds too.

Why are you extrapolating to other scenarios not remotely related to cosleeping, as though people who happy to share a bed with their child are giving them chocolate for tea? that’s like people extrapolating your “yes they might be upset, they’ll get over it” to every situation when they’re upset, which I’m sure isn’t the case.

For you, having a child sleep in your bed is a big deal. Fine. For many other people it isn’t. Why on earth do you care?

some posters really worry about other people’s sex lives a lot. That’s quite weird.

Yep! DD2 is in our bed most nights and I’m still pregnant with DC3… Make of that what you will. 😂

@VenhamousSnake The ‘need’ isn’t to cosleep, the need is comfort, love and secure attachment. There are other ways to meet that need and for some the stress on the parent/s caused by cosleeping would mean that it didn’t help meet that need overall. For others, it’s a way to meet that need.

Chocolate for dinner isn’t a need, as you’ve said, the need is to be fed and supported with their health, and there are better ways to meet that need. We still probably all feed children food they want sometimes though don’t we? When they don’t need it? Chocolate isn’t a need anytime is it, but it could also be considered to meet the need for comfort or pleasure. We also all do things for ourselves that are purely for comfort or pleasure, so why shouldn’t our children?

The thing for me is that parenting doesn’t stop in the night. I would comfort my child in the day and I would comfort my child in the night. We all have different boundaries about what that comfort could and should look like for our own families, balancing our needs with those of our children. The point is, it is only an issue if it’s an issue for your family or it is doing some sort of damage to the child or parent.

It’s not as if those that cosleep don’t have any boundaries, it’s just a different one. I am cosleeping more with my two year old at the minute because her dad is in hospital and she is missing him, so she needs extra comfort. That’s fine for me for now. When it is no longer fine for me I will work to reduce it.