18month old not at nursery, is this detriment? MIL commented on his ‘lack of skills’ EEK

[aimeeeleanor]

My son will be 18 months in 10 days. I’m lucky enough to work flexible hours from home as I am self employed. So he is with myself 95% of the time, unless Grandparents want him for the day

ANYWAY, my MIL recently commented on my sons ‘lack of skills’ and I was flabbergasted. I value her opinion tremendously but she admitted she’s been googling the ‘norms’ for this age and it definitely took me off guard. She said she think he’d benefit being away from me a bit more to help him gain skills

Granted, there are some things he can’t do.

She brought up his lack of ‘shared interest’

• he tends to play independently. Though he does bring us toys & say ‘ta’ if he wants us to turn them on / off. Or just wants to give us them. Or tease us & then take them back immediately haha
• doesn’t respond to his name all the time. He definitely does respond straight away sometimes, but most of the time we have to call his name many times before he looks
• doesn’t shake for no or nod for yes
• doesn’t like other children hugging him, he’ll cry & pull away
• he’s not very sturdy, if that’s the right word. Won’t go down slides without help or climb on the sofa etc without help
• clingy to me. If i leave his sight around strangers, he cries. Normally fine if someone else he knows like my husband or grandparents are with him

He does do the following

• i haven’t counted but I reckon he can say around 100 words. And says a lot of them in context. Names animals, fetches the right to us when we ask for something specific
• signs a few words (thanks ms rachel!)
• does like to engage with other children. He’s drawn to them & likes to be around them, particularly older children! But they better not hug him haha. He’ll follow them around
• sleeps like a dream
• eats well
• walks
• in regards to shared interest, at meal times he definitely looks to us for a reaction when he’s throwing food off his plate! With a cheeky grin on his face at the same time
• imitates us laughing / coughing & he finds it hilarious

Not sure what the point of this is really, word vomit?! Haha. She just has me worried. Does he sound like he’s developing ok? She has me concerned now. Am I doing him a dis-service by not having him around other kids more?

I will add that I take him to a morning playgroup on a Monday, Wednesday & Thursday. Tuesdays & / or Fridays we go to a local play centre for a 90 minute session in the afternoon. So he does get to see other children every single day, he’s not just stuck at home with me

thanks guys, one very overthinking mummy x

You're doing fine. Keep it up. Don't waste a moment more of his precious second year on this planet worrying about this.

He'll have a 2 yr review with the health visitor anyway. You can have a good chat then and they'll be able to give you a far more personalised answer to any concerns. Your MIL can even send you with a list of questions if that works for you.

If it helps, my child is roughly the same age and goes to nursery full time. She can't do a lot of the things your son can yet. He sounds like he's doing perfectly well. Whenever I collect mine from nursery, she's playing on her own. Just because there are other kids there, it doesn't mean they'll want to hang out with them lol. Please don't listen to your MIL.

Your baby sounds like he is developing absolutely 'normally' for want of a better word. I had to put my babies (younger) in nursery or with a childminder to go to work and worried endlessly about that. Parents always stress about everything, and you sound like you are giving him the best start in life. Don't take her words to heart, she may mean well but he is your child and you know best. Also, all children develop at different rates - for example some might walk at 9 months and some not until 18 months. If you as a parent are genuinely concerned then speak to your Health Visitor but otherwise tell people to wind their necks in. Politely of course 😊

Definitely nothing to worry about my 20mo has been going to nursery since she was 8mo and sounds very similar.

Shes also not very sturdy, hates going up down steps, slides etc. Doesn’t like holding hands with or hugging other kids.

Dont worry about it everyone has an opinion, welcome or not, about children’s development and parenting.

My DD is nearly 18 months old and has gone to nursery since since was 3 months old (and full time from about 6 months old). She is no more "advanced" than your son. Sturdy, but I'd say less linguistically advanced as your son.

I know other kids at the nursery the same age and they aren't more "advanced" than your son either. 100 words is loads! All children are different and there's no hurry.

Sorry you've been unsettled by this.

I'm sure it comes from a place of love but highly annoying of your MIL. Perhaps she has a preconception that nursery is best (I'm sure other MILs would judge for using nursery...!) and it's leaking through.

You could direct MIL to the baby to toddler book "month by month" book which will make abundantly clear he's not behind. And/or check Emily Oster's work which will give the evidence to show being at home is fine /great!

PS wish DD was better at independent play! I think being able to play alone is a good thing

Sounds fine to me. All children have things they can and can't do at all stages. Enjoy him and don't feel guilty. You will be able to see for yourself that his list of 'can dos' is consistently growing. He will be at nursery /school soon enough.

As a nursery nurse and a mum of 3 grown up children I’d say his development is normal, children adapt to their environment and learn the skills necessary to ‘survive’ so comparing a child mostly at home to a child that attends a nursery is always going to be difficult - for example a child in nursery may learn to sit and eat lunch at the table with cutlery whilst the child at home may appear a little clumsy or need help but this is a child who can toddle round eating a banana and can walk and investigate it’s environment.

most children reach the age of 3 with similar language, toilet training and social skills regardless of where they’ve been - so enjoy your time together and perhaps mum in law is just being a little to cautious.

I have two children, one is 12 I a couple of weeks and the other almost 5. Neither of them went to daycare, both are now in full time school. The eldest is an academic scholar.

You are in such a privileged position, to be able to spend this time with your little boy. I know that there are wonderful benefits from daycare and socialising ( the latter of which your child clearly does), but there is nothing like the time with a parent. Very soon, your little boy will be in nursery year/ reception anyway.

your son seems to be developing so well. He is so lucky to have a mummy who adores spending time with him, because as much as we all love our kids, it isn’t for everyone to have their child with them all the time.

Tell Mil there is no norm and to stop googling. He may be behind in some things and ahead in others. He's getting plenty of stimulation at playgroup. When he reacts to your voice and his name is he facing you? Just wondering if he's had his hearing checked. Mind you, my son ignored every noise the health visitor made, even clapping her hands hard behind him, she then assured us he could hear when we knew he could. I think he didn't like her so ignored her. 😂 Unless there's really something seriously wrong, it's not fair to worry a Mum or compare children. They all develop at their own pace. You're doing great.

Mine were at home with me full-time until they went to nursery at 3. I can't remember what they were achieving at 18 months, but the older one was a late walker, must have been 15months+ before she walked and the younger one only grunted until he turned 2. None of that was a reflection of being at home, it was just the development path they were on. This was obviously quite a while ago, as they are now Year 7 and Year 4, and subsequently they've both done really well academically at school, definitely ignore your mother-in-law.