18month old not at nursery, is this detriment? MIL commented on his ‘lack of skills’ EEK

[aimeeeleanor]

My son will be 18 months in 10 days. I’m lucky enough to work flexible hours from home as I am self employed. So he is with myself 95% of the time, unless Grandparents want him for the day

ANYWAY, my MIL recently commented on my sons ‘lack of skills’ and I was flabbergasted. I value her opinion tremendously but she admitted she’s been googling the ‘norms’ for this age and it definitely took me off guard. She said she think he’d benefit being away from me a bit more to help him gain skills

Granted, there are some things he can’t do.

She brought up his lack of ‘shared interest’

• he tends to play independently. Though he does bring us toys & say ‘ta’ if he wants us to turn them on / off. Or just wants to give us them. Or tease us & then take them back immediately haha
• doesn’t respond to his name all the time. He definitely does respond straight away sometimes, but most of the time we have to call his name many times before he looks
• doesn’t shake for no or nod for yes
• doesn’t like other children hugging him, he’ll cry & pull away
• he’s not very sturdy, if that’s the right word. Won’t go down slides without help or climb on the sofa etc without help
• clingy to me. If i leave his sight around strangers, he cries. Normally fine if someone else he knows like my husband or grandparents are with him

He does do the following

• i haven’t counted but I reckon he can say around 100 words. And says a lot of them in context. Names animals, fetches the right to us when we ask for something specific
• signs a few words (thanks ms rachel!)
• does like to engage with other children. He’s drawn to them & likes to be around them, particularly older children! But they better not hug him haha. He’ll follow them around
• sleeps like a dream
• eats well
• walks
• in regards to shared interest, at meal times he definitely looks to us for a reaction when he’s throwing food off his plate! With a cheeky grin on his face at the same time
• imitates us laughing / coughing & he finds it hilarious

Not sure what the point of this is really, word vomit?! Haha. She just has me worried. Does he sound like he’s developing ok? She has me concerned now. Am I doing him a dis-service by not having him around other kids more?

I will add that I take him to a morning playgroup on a Monday, Wednesday & Thursday. Tuesdays & / or Fridays we go to a local play centre for a 90 minute session in the afternoon. So he does get to see other children every single day, he’s not just stuck at home with me

thanks guys, one very overthinking mummy x

This is so true. After 3/4 school dictates a lot of your life.

Sounds like he is happy healthy and absolutely thriving and has a secure attachment to you x

I had no Idea some 18 month olds hug, haha. Your toddler sounds like he's doing amazingly.

My LO has had to go to a childminder from 11 months and it made him more clingy.

This is another MIL overstepping and over googling.

Totally ignor you MIL, most children when I was little never went to nursery at that age. It's not a requirement for personal development and only advantageous for some children if they don't get the interaction at home. Which sounds like you little one gets plenty.

Neither of mine went until they got their free funding at 3 years as I was at home. We to also went to play groups most days, it's all they need really.

Not to get any hate but I went on a similar path as you my mother had noticed that my at the time two-year-old wasn’t sharing toys Didn’t like to interact with others and played by himself and at the time could maybe talk about certain subjects that he likes like for example snakes he could name every type of snake there was a he walked at the right milestone he spoke at the right milestone he eats everything he just had some social cues that he was missing at two years and he was a little bit delayed with potty training but anyway I went to the doctor and I put him in preschool two days a week so he’d have interaction with other children
Long story short he was diagnosed this year at the age of five with ASD as an autism here in Ireland he is perfectly functioning he just needed a little extra help with social cues

If you’re in sure it does not hurt to have him looked at by your GP I’m here you can get all the advice in the world but it’s always good to have your doubts cleared by a professional as well

My son has been at nursery part time since 9 months and Is now two - he loves to play independently. He will join in running about with other kids; but if it’s a sit down play with toys he will find something he likes and take it to play in a space by himself. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being independent. He’s not clingy with me though but I think many children are clingy at that age. Just ignore her!!

I had this with mil in the early 90’s! Just tell her you are very happy with his development thank you.
Btw I now have a dgc who didn’t begin nursery until he was almost 3 and he’s bright, kind and sociable. I also have a 20 month dgc who goes to nursery 3 days a week but clings to his dm at home.

My two year old goes to nursery 2 days a week

Still plays independently. Doesn’t like people in his space. Definitely doesn’t answer to his name (but I think that’s selective) 😂

For me, nursery has brought him on. But we don’t do playgroups. And kids develop at different rates anyway. My now 5 year old went to school and was behind in a few areas (went to nursery 2 days a week) and now he’s pretty much on track or ahead of where he needs to be so I wouldn’t worry. They’ll catch up when their ready!

Playing devil’s advocate as a mum of a child with SEN - what does your MIL think will happen if your child does have a delay? Does she think nursery can do anything about it? They can’t. He’s a baby and a happy one.

Could she be saying it because she wants to look after him?

From your description he sounds a lovely child,developing just as he should.

He's sounds fine maybe do more signing (as you also say the word when you sign) so it slows things down a bit.

Some areas have 2's groups which could be a happy medium if you wanted and you can usually use govt tax scheme for. They tend to be for 2-3 hours a few times a week.

I would also say 18 months is a prime clingy phase though DS2 is 23 months been at nursery 4 days a week since 12 months old between 16-21 months was a huge mummy cling phase! I had to stop doing nursery drop offs as with me he was horrendous but fine with dad!

Research shows that until 3 kids benefit most from a single care giver eg sahm, then from 3 there is evidence to support nursery as a benefit but part time. This isn't to criticise full time working parents who need to use full time nursery, just to say it's not beneficial to the child particularly (needs must though!)

He sounds like an amazing 18 month old to me! Ignore her! In countries where children stay at home until age 7 there are streets ahead of the uk children who start earlier!

He is absolutely normal and has good development.

I brought my children up in an Asian country where nursery didn’t exist. The only options for childcare were family or a nanny. If it was causing a society wide issue I think we’d know about it.

Sounds like a completely normal and lovely baby / toddler to me! He is only 1, your MIL just needs to stop comparing - it sounds like he is doing fantastically. kids change as they grow and any disparity between what they can do at 18 months old has no bearing on what they will be capable of as they get older. You sound like you are doing a wonderful job of letting him be him. As he gets older he will decide for himself whether he likes spending lots of time with other children or just some (in a family of introverts here we have one extrovert child who thrives on social contact which is very odd to the rest of us!), so I would save your money and wait til he gets his free hours before sending him to preschool.

Maybe MIL is aware her parenting days are far behind her and has been doing too much 'homework' to try to catch up.
There are so many trends and 'experts' these days and she is swallowing it all whole!
If you normally have a good relationship, dont bite her head off.. just thank her and let it go..
You sound like a great Mum.. just do you.. your little one is doing just fine.

Please forgive me using this thread as a bit of a boast.
My daughter didn't speak at all at that age, I was on the verge of seeking help about it, she was late walking as well. Your son sounds more advanced than she was . She's 18 now year 13 at school (normal state school) and just today got an offer from Oxford!!!

Anyway, three issues here. Is your son delayed in some way? It doesn't sound like to me (a normal mum) but if concerned ask your health visitor rather than mil. 2. Would nursery help him? Personally I don't think so, as long as he goes to playgroup, stuff like that to interact with other children. Most children that age generally just want to be with their mum, I think. 3. Mil interfering. Seems to me mil loves your boy and has good intentions, I wouldn't get too agitated by it.

Is he clingy with you when MIL is around?

it sounds to me that she might be a little jealous and trying to think of ways (and come up with nonsense) that might make him rely on you less!

At this age my dd1 and ds were both in nursery two mornings a week as I was working. With my dd2 we've not needed formal childcare and she goes swimming with her dad and to a library music session with me weekly. She's 2 and will go to preschool aged 3.

Ignore your mil, appreciate that if she is otherwise pleasant it is coming from a good place but be confident in your parenting. You are getting out with your baby which is good for the both of you. At this age many kids will play alongside other children but not exactly with them anyway. I don't think there is actually anything wrong with being home a lot (doesn't necessarily apply to you) especially if you play and do activities but getting our breaks up a long day. Get used to saying,' I'm happy with my parenting' choices on repeat and be firm.

My 2 year old hugs her siblings and us but doesn't much like them from other people. She was clingy as a 1 year old but since hitting 2 is more independent but will also retreat towards us when in an unfamiliar place. That's normal in my view.

He is fine. Don't even bother discussing the matter with her.

As long as you are doing regular playgroup then it's fine. My sister teaches reception and does find that the children who have never been to nursery take longer to settle in and can struggle at the beginning, but you've plenty of time to think about preschool or extra playgroup sessions.

He sounds completely fine. From my personal experience, starting them in a nursery for just two mornings a week, from the age of 2 is the ideal. Then you have the foot in the door of a nursery / pre-school, he’s socialising, it gives you a break, and you can then increase his hours if you need to.

At three it's good for children to go to nursery to learn the sort of routine and expectations they will meet at school. Before that it is completely unnecessary. He's barely more than a baby, don't listen to MIL.