18month old not at nursery, is this detriment? MIL commented on his ‘lack of skills’ EEK

[aimeeeleanor]

My son will be 18 months in 10 days. I’m lucky enough to work flexible hours from home as I am self employed. So he is with myself 95% of the time, unless Grandparents want him for the day

ANYWAY, my MIL recently commented on my sons ‘lack of skills’ and I was flabbergasted. I value her opinion tremendously but she admitted she’s been googling the ‘norms’ for this age and it definitely took me off guard. She said she think he’d benefit being away from me a bit more to help him gain skills

Granted, there are some things he can’t do.

She brought up his lack of ‘shared interest’

• he tends to play independently. Though he does bring us toys & say ‘ta’ if he wants us to turn them on / off. Or just wants to give us them. Or tease us & then take them back immediately haha
• doesn’t respond to his name all the time. He definitely does respond straight away sometimes, but most of the time we have to call his name many times before he looks
• doesn’t shake for no or nod for yes
• doesn’t like other children hugging him, he’ll cry & pull away
• he’s not very sturdy, if that’s the right word. Won’t go down slides without help or climb on the sofa etc without help
• clingy to me. If i leave his sight around strangers, he cries. Normally fine if someone else he knows like my husband or grandparents are with him

He does do the following

• i haven’t counted but I reckon he can say around 100 words. And says a lot of them in context. Names animals, fetches the right to us when we ask for something specific
• signs a few words (thanks ms rachel!)
• does like to engage with other children. He’s drawn to them & likes to be around them, particularly older children! But they better not hug him haha. He’ll follow them around
• sleeps like a dream
• eats well
• walks
• in regards to shared interest, at meal times he definitely looks to us for a reaction when he’s throwing food off his plate! With a cheeky grin on his face at the same time
• imitates us laughing / coughing & he finds it hilarious

Not sure what the point of this is really, word vomit?! Haha. She just has me worried. Does he sound like he’s developing ok? She has me concerned now. Am I doing him a dis-service by not having him around other kids more?

I will add that I take him to a morning playgroup on a Monday, Wednesday & Thursday. Tuesdays & / or Fridays we go to a local play centre for a 90 minute session in the afternoon. So he does get to see other children every single day, he’s not just stuck at home with me

thanks guys, one very overthinking mummy x

Shock horror but DS didn’t go to nursery till he was 3 and a half and only then because it was the primary school nursery. And he went to Cambridge. I never went at all and did better than ok. Not going to nursery really doesn’t matter-it’s what else they do. Or as my DS said of the days I used to look after the GC.’They learn more with you than they do in nursery’.

She sounds fun! Not sure what googling she’s done but sounds quite normal!
He will have his 2 year check in 6ish months which will put any concerns to bed or actually give you knowledgeable insight on what he needs help to work towards so you can always tell her that.
Your child is supposed to cling to you, your his Mum!

I think your partner needs to set a boundary with their mother and let them know her opinion isn’t required. You don’t want to be dealing with this your whole life.

and as a mother of a boy, you must vow to not be like this when he is grown and chooses a partner/has kids!

I have a child a similar age sounds absolutely normal and fine.

maybe think about doing to a couple of church play groups sing a longs or soft / free play etc for a bit more socialisation if you want but otherwise crack on…

Ours is at a CM but at 3 we will put our DD into a nursery attached to a school part time so she gets used to going to school / the routine. We were going to do this anyway but our CM recommended this based on her own experience (she tends to continue with her “babies” through primary as she does the wrap around care in the PM and sometimes AM)

My 18mo and your 18mo sound very similar in terms of their progress and mine goes to nursery 3 days per week and then a childminder for 1 day per week. And so, I spend a grand total of 3 days per week with my daughter. (AND, I have other kids!) You’re so lucky and so is your little boy!

Ignore her. Great to hear that your son is mainly with you - really is a blessing for you both.
Both my children were just at home with me (some meet ups with other children) until they had a few mornings at preschool and full time school at 5ish. They are both doing brilliantly and are well rounded little people.

Unless your MIL is a child development specialist, ignore.

Nurseries are a fairly recent phenomenon. Back in the early 80s there was only one in our area. Mine went to all the play groups, parks, etc. this generation are now parents and perfectly fine.

He sounds completely fine too.

Solitary play is an important skill. Your son does that which is great. Associative play starts around 3 years so he’s got a while to go.

however the not nodding for yes or no is significant

I think what your doing is fine and very similar to my situation.

I can't remember what my son was or wasn't doing at 18 months he is now 3 and 3 months. But it's sound alike your child is doing fine, he is getting chances to socialise at play groups, they don't play together as such for a long time yet, just next to each other really.

My son is a September baby and I put him into a pre school when he turned 2, only one morning a week, then he started two mornings a week September just gone at 3, and now he goes every morning and he loves it, but he has got to the age where he does need it and they do learn alot from their peers ( the good and the bad lol) I would maybe look at a pre school for a one or two sessions a week if it's possible as it is good for them to get used to being away from you, but at 2 is sufficient in my opinion, he is lucky to have had you around so much till now, it saddens me that people have to go back to the office and leave their children everyday in care when very young and only see them for an hour or so each end of the day which is filled with tasks of eating brekkie or bath etc, no real chance to play with them, but that is the reality for most nowadays.

Ignore your MIL. Dis SHE go to nursery at 18 months old? I expect she is around my sort of age and I didn’t and neither did any of my peers!

My DD didn’t go to nursery because I was a SAHM. I took her to a mums and toddler group for one morning a week. When she was 3.5 she went to a “play school” two mornings a week and then started school at a bit over 4 years (summer baby).

She got into a very hard to get into grammar school and now has a bachelors degree and a masters!

You child sounds adorable.

No need for nursery if you don't have any childcare needs. Sounds like you and your son are doing brilliantly. In the book Raising Boys by Steve Biddolph he talks about the advantages of delaying nursery for boys.

He sounds perfect! My DS sounds very similar and he is coming up for 18m. When my older child was 4m we went into lockdown and she didn't see a single kid for months on end. She didn't go to nursery until she was 3 years old and she is normal and hitting all her milestones. Nursery is good from 3 onwards for social skills but he will get everything he needs from you. I also think DD is an excellent communicator because of this. I intend to keep DS with me as long as I can so until about 3 years and then I think nursery is important for development. Don't listen to your MIL.

This is only my personal opinion, but I don’t think there’s a disadvantage to not having a child under the age of 3 in nursery. Both mine went from around 18 months as I was working, but if I hadn’t been I wouldn’t have sent them until
they were older.

It’s true that they do learn depending on what they are exposed to and they probably do experience a more varied range of experiences in the nursery setting. That said, they all catch up to around the same level over time, so I wouldn’t worry too much. Being able to be in their home environment for longer is still a better scenario at that age, but as I said, that’s just my personal opinion.

Speaking at his age, especially being a boy, is so impressive!

My son's slow to talk and has been behind on both of his HV reviews, but because his dexterity and other areas are really good that haven't been worried at all. They it's so normal for one area to be less developed when they're working hard on the others.

So it sounds like your little guy's doing great, he's not climbing so much because his energy is going into his communication!

I asked the HV at what point point they should go to a nursery/childminder for the social side and she said they're fine at home with just you until 2-2.5 years old

I don't think nursery is necessary. Mine never went. And it is entirely possible that your MIL is talking complete rubbish. And I have no idea what the milestones are. But don't dismiss what she says just because she is your MIL. Check, just in case. And then dismiss what she says!

At 18mths mine sounded pretty similar and they were in nursery full time and had been from 12mths.

However, and this is just my opinion I do think that only children (eldest children) can benefit hugely from attending nursery. If I didn't have to work, money no object - I think the sweet spot at 18mths would be 2 mornings a week, building up to 1 day and 2 mornings by age 2. Then 2 days and 1 morning by age 2.5yrs, then 3 days by age 3. Then attending pre-school in preparation for school. Of course, it never works out this way because you have to secure a place at a nursery and they can't always offer the availability. But I think had I not needed to go back to work when DC was 12mths I would have had them in on a Tuesday and Thursday morning from 8am to 1pm, to give them all that exposure to independent play with same aged kids and all the other benefits - eating together, the activities the staff put on etc etc.

The reason I say this is because for all the will in the world, a parent can't teach a child in the same way another little person can. This is why there's a general trend for second borns to be miles ahead where there eldest sibling was at the same age. Little people watch, study and copy other little people 😁

I'm not going to berate your MIL because if you value her opinion she must have something going for her but I will say my MIL either has forgotten/misremembered where her own kids were by certain ages - e.g apparently at 6mths my DH was sat up, asking politelt for a cup for his milk not a bottle😂then in the next breath she says he didn't speak until he was 4yrs old...so I think it's just a case of scattered memories from 30+yrs ago.

@aimeeeleanor

When I get comments like these from GP’s, I also note that - if they think a certain skill is ‘lacking’ - they do absolutely zilch in terms of developing that ‘skill’ with their own input. Very good at ‘observing’ - but do absolutely f.all to help develop that skill.

I’d be tempted to say - well done for observing all that. What are you doing in your interactions to help improve those skills?

Actually I’d just smile and ignore them. In one ear, put the other. You’re doing a great job - they are not with their picky, uneducated criticism/lack of empathy x

He sounds fine. I personally don't believe kids should go to nursery of they don't have to until they are a bit older. My rudest was only 10months when she started and my second will be the same. If I didn't have to send them at this age I wouldn't. He will be getting all sorts of benefits from being with you. You could maybe start to put him in spnehwre 2 morning

*2 mornings a week maybe so that he starts to get that socialisation but I don't think there is a massive rush.

*eldest not rudest ha

My son is also just shy of 18 months and is in nursery full time. He doesn’t have 100 words yet (or anywhere near it). He shakes his head for no but doesn’t nod for yes. He’s clingy to me, doesn’t sleep alone yet and needs a hand going down slides. Your boy is doing just great and I hope this reassures you that you’re not affecting his development by not sending him to nursery

I have an 18 month old who IS in nursery 4 days per week, and skill wise he sounds about the same as your son!

Try not to worry (easier said than done i know!) but it sounds like you're doing a great job of balancing work and being a mummy (i'm a bit envious!). He sounds like he's doing great

My sons went to nursery before they were 1, and are both behind now 🙈 I wouldn't worry. But if you are concerned, do an ASQ (can be found online if you Google). I've always found those informative and reassuring.

@aimeeeleanor he sounds like he's doing great and as well meaning as she may be, she needs to mind her own business and know her place. You take him to lots of playgroups for his age that's more than sufficient. My daughter didn't go to nursery until she was 3 and she's incredibly bright and sociable, my other 3 children went to nursery when they were 3 & 4, for 6 weeks (winter baby), full time for a year (winter baby) & very part time for a year (summer baby) before they started reception.... I see absolutely zero correlation between greater development later on especially when comparing to kids I knew started nursery as a baby. Speak to your health visitor if you're concerned but id be shocked if they agree with your MIL x

As a nursery nurse and parent your child's development sounds absolutely fine in all aspects. At this age children play alongside each other, not together in a cooperative way.
If you want him to learn any new skills the best person for him to learn them from is you. You are his safe base. It sounds like he has a good range of opportunities to socialise. 18 months is a time of separation anxiety developmentally. So it may not be the best age for a new separation from you in the form of nursery. Sounds a little insensitive from your MIL. If you are concerned yourself speak to a health visitor or gp. Not Nanny Google!