18month old not at nursery, is this detriment? MIL commented on his ‘lack of skills’ EEK

[aimeeeleanor]

My son will be 18 months in 10 days. I’m lucky enough to work flexible hours from home as I am self employed. So he is with myself 95% of the time, unless Grandparents want him for the day

ANYWAY, my MIL recently commented on my sons ‘lack of skills’ and I was flabbergasted. I value her opinion tremendously but she admitted she’s been googling the ‘norms’ for this age and it definitely took me off guard. She said she think he’d benefit being away from me a bit more to help him gain skills

Granted, there are some things he can’t do.

She brought up his lack of ‘shared interest’

• he tends to play independently. Though he does bring us toys & say ‘ta’ if he wants us to turn them on / off. Or just wants to give us them. Or tease us & then take them back immediately haha
• doesn’t respond to his name all the time. He definitely does respond straight away sometimes, but most of the time we have to call his name many times before he looks
• doesn’t shake for no or nod for yes
• doesn’t like other children hugging him, he’ll cry & pull away
• he’s not very sturdy, if that’s the right word. Won’t go down slides without help or climb on the sofa etc without help
• clingy to me. If i leave his sight around strangers, he cries. Normally fine if someone else he knows like my husband or grandparents are with him

He does do the following

• i haven’t counted but I reckon he can say around 100 words. And says a lot of them in context. Names animals, fetches the right to us when we ask for something specific
• signs a few words (thanks ms rachel!)
• does like to engage with other children. He’s drawn to them & likes to be around them, particularly older children! But they better not hug him haha. He’ll follow them around
• sleeps like a dream
• eats well
• walks
• in regards to shared interest, at meal times he definitely looks to us for a reaction when he’s throwing food off his plate! With a cheeky grin on his face at the same time
• imitates us laughing / coughing & he finds it hilarious

Not sure what the point of this is really, word vomit?! Haha. She just has me worried. Does he sound like he’s developing ok? She has me concerned now. Am I doing him a dis-service by not having him around other kids more?

I will add that I take him to a morning playgroup on a Monday, Wednesday & Thursday. Tuesdays & / or Fridays we go to a local play centre for a 90 minute session in the afternoon. So he does get to see other children every single day, he’s not just stuck at home with me

thanks guys, one very overthinking mummy x

If you feel your kid is doing fine, he most likely is. Mums just know best and people just like to have an opinion (usually based on nothing!)

Sounds exactly like me at that age (and beyond tbh). I read a lot of your descriptions with a knowing smile. My nursery/early school reports often came back with things like ‘she likes to be around other children, but doesn’t necessarily need to directly interact with them’ and ‘if she’s immersed in something, we can call her name several times and she won’t notice’.

Now, I don’t want to worry you, but I was (much later) diagnosed with autism, and many of my autistic friends also had traits like this. He’s very young still, so it could be nothing, but it might be worth keeping it in mind as a possibility.

Nevertheless, I was still very good at school, went to university and have been successful since, so even if it does turn out to be that there’s nothing to worry about. Either way, if he seems happy I really wouldn’t worry about trying to force him to be what your MIL thinks he should be, and there’s no guarantee nursery would achieve that anyway.

I’m lucky enough to work flexible hours from home as I am self employed

He sounds fine but this slightly concerned me in your OP. Apart from the toddler groups, does he spend much time playing alone or watching TV while you work? Perhaps MIL is worried from that perspective but didn't want to say it like that so thought she'd go for a different approach. A preschool for a few hours a week in the morning while you work may be the best for both of you. They usually start at 2 years old.

I have been where you are with the concerns about not sending DD to nursery. She is now 2.6 and childcare is primarily me (especially now as I am on mat leave) with some help from the grandparents. I have been told on numerous occasions (from various people) just how clever she is and social when we go to toddler groups and she has never spent a day in nursery. She is starting at 3 but this is more to get her prepared for school. Do what's best for you and ignore mil. You know your child best and I can honestly say I've loved having DD (and now DS) at home with me.

No, absolutely do not send him to nursery if you don’t need to. I wish MILs wouldn’t do this!! My MIL starting sitting my son on the toilet about that age because she thought he should be potty trained as well as getting cross with him if he didn’t say please or thank you when he was an early talker even though most other children his age couldn’t speak at all. He’s developing absolutely fine and you taking him to playgroup etc… will provide him with all the socialising he needs at that age. My son was either with me or my parents for the first 3 years of his life because of COVID. He started school nursery just after he turned 3 for a few mornings a week (embraced it and loved it) and quickly picked up the social skills he hasn’t fully acquired beforehand. He is 6 now and is doing brilliantly at school. He didn’t miss out at all because he didn’t go to nursery when he was younger. Do what you think is right for your child and ignore everyone else - you’re the expert on your own child

@MerryMarigold Thanks so much :) no so my business basically runs itself, other than the odd email I have to send - which I save for his nap times. Or if I do have a day where I need to work a bit more, he will go to grandparents. So I’m not working whilst I’m actually with him. He does watch tv for 10 minutes on a morning & 10 minutes on an evening whilst he has milk x

Ignore, normal not to be in nursery until 3 or so

Ignore them unless you have your own concerns. I had this from my ILs and it was so irritating to the point that I put off seeing them. I feel annoyed even thinking about it now.

My DC started nursery at 3, is at primary school now, and is doing great. Of course ILs have never acknowledged that DC turned out fine.

That sounds totally fine then. The number of words for his age is great. The best thing you can do is read a lot to him and take him out to groups, as you're doing. When it gets warmer - parks etc to help with physical confidence.

He sounds fine OP, just ignore.

My MIL thinks my DC is in nursery too much. You seriously can't win!

My 2.5 year old has been in nursery part time since she was 9 months, and has only in the last month or two started to take any interest in playing with us or other children etc. At 18 months she might play next to us but wasn’t playing with us IYSWIM? (Make the most of it before you have to eat a pretend dinner cooked in a toy kitchen for hours a day 🤣)
apart from that, her development at 18 months sounds similar to your LO - albeit she talked less but was very mobile and sturdy on her feet, so swings and roundabouts I guess !
sounds like you’re doing great x

He sounds like a total poppet and all this blah from your MIL is just white noise. Ignore it. There's so much anxiety with being a mum and the endless comparison to other children or charts etc. it really sucks the fun out of it all. You sounds like a fab, switched on mum OP. Tell her you've consulted a developmental expert friend of a friend and he's bang on lovely, happy and healthy.

He sounds delightful and exactly where he needs to be. There are certainly no “alarm bells”. I thinks it’s fantastic that you manage to enjoy so much quality time with him. The clinginess is normal- shows he is very securely attached to his mum! I do think nursery is good for kids, even if it’s only a couple of afternoons a week, as it helps them to start spending time without you. My eldest two girls started at 2 - both cried a bit at first but soon loved it. And it’s nice for you to have a bit of time off. But do when you’re ready.

He sounds like he’s doing just fine, try not to worry or overthink. I’m sure your MIL is trying to be helpful but just thank her for her suggestions and take any tips you want and politely ignore the rest ☺️

Honestly ignore mine told me off when my kids were little because they used their hands for finger foods rather than use a knife and fork and she told me that when they are teens and go to school and can’t use a knife and fork they’ll get picked on basically told me I should be ashamed of myself as it’s basic decorum. Ha ha safe to say I had my say and said look at your 3 children and how they turned out 🤣🤣(all 3 are forced to have a relationship with her she fucked their childhood up).

Just to make clear my kids are late teens now and have no problems using a knife and fork🤣🤣
kids learn things at their own pace and differently as well I wouldn’t worry about her comments

It's actually the opposite, research shows children this age develop (generally speaking in a perfect world) better (especially emotionally) with their main caregiver/s. No shade or drama if you do need your child in nursery, but it isn't really a particular benefit to them. If you and he are happy ignore her. They don't really have friends or socialise properly till 3 ish, and no toddler "plays cooperatively" whatever the hell that means or has shared interests, even at 5 my little girl would prefer her own way with her friends rather than have them do or talk about something she isnt into herself! Maybe MiL just wants to have him more often? Either way, he sounds perfect and they all develop in their own time, and have their own oddities and things they find easy/things they find hard. Your health visitor must've only just done the 1 Yr check anyway (if they still do that!) I'd check in with the health visitor if you're at all worried, but I'd suggest it says more about your mother in law than your baby (who on earth discusses an 18 mths old "skills" anyway)

He sounds absolutely fine to me. It's really important for kids of that age to interact with other children but you're providing those opportunities by going to playgroups. When they are older, preschool age, I think going to preschool or nursery benefits them. But at 18 months they just need lots of attention and chances to experience and try lots of things and socialise, all of which you are providing!

Please don't worry OP. Your son sounds wonderful and like he's developing just fine to me! I'm in a similar situation with my daughter who is 13 months - we have our own business so I'm lucky enough to be able to work flexibly from home so I am with her nearly all the time, and mum has got me worrying that I'm not socialising her enough.

But I think when our children are so young, giving them a really strong foundation by building a wonderful relationship and bond with us is so important. The positive influence that will have on their future security, confidence and other relationships can't be underestimated. The development and socialising will happen naturally as they grow, but a strong and happy relationship with mum / dad / grandparent can't be taken for granted.

You're doing a great job xx

It's sounds like your mother in law has overstepped her boundaries, but I'm going to be in the minority when I saw I agree with her. Your list of things he can't do is surprising at that age.

On another note, how do you get any work done if you work from home and your son is with you're nearly all the time??

@aimeeeleanor im from a country that the child spends their childhood with parents and/or grandparents until 2-2,5 years old. I (and everyone else) developed fine. Xx

All sounds fine. I have five children, youngest nearly 13. My last two were girls and I had the privilege of the first three years at home with them. They didn’t like playing with other children, they didn’t like other adults interacting with them, we had amazing mummy/daughters time, then off they went to nursery and school and both have lovely friendship groups AND they are way closer to me than most of my friends’ children are to their parents. No secrets, no teenage tantrums, wouldn’t change those relatively private first few years for the world.

Interestingly my three boys are all quite introvert and they all went to childcare from a few months old 😂

That's not true at all. My son is 20 months and the only thing on the 'can't list' that he can do is shake his head. And he has far far fewer words than OP's son. Children develop at different rates and OP's son seems advanced if anything (particularly with language).

Goodness sake what is she expecting from a 18mth old 🙄 ignore her, you're doing an Amazing job OP and he sounds like his doing very well too ❤️ only put him in nursery when it's time,not before.

He's your baby, enjoy him.

Before you know you'll have lost him to school.

Tell MIL to back off.

Yip and if you were getting him out of bed and to nursery and. working 8-6pm 5 days a week and seeing him for an hour in the evening your MIL would be making remarks.

You sound great and your little boy sounds great and he sounds like he sees other kids regularly. Keep doing you.