18month old not at nursery, is this detriment? MIL commented on his ‘lack of skills’ EEK

[aimeeeleanor]

My son will be 18 months in 10 days. I’m lucky enough to work flexible hours from home as I am self employed. So he is with myself 95% of the time, unless Grandparents want him for the day

ANYWAY, my MIL recently commented on my sons ‘lack of skills’ and I was flabbergasted. I value her opinion tremendously but she admitted she’s been googling the ‘norms’ for this age and it definitely took me off guard. She said she think he’d benefit being away from me a bit more to help him gain skills

Granted, there are some things he can’t do.

She brought up his lack of ‘shared interest’

• he tends to play independently. Though he does bring us toys & say ‘ta’ if he wants us to turn them on / off. Or just wants to give us them. Or tease us & then take them back immediately haha
• doesn’t respond to his name all the time. He definitely does respond straight away sometimes, but most of the time we have to call his name many times before he looks
• doesn’t shake for no or nod for yes
• doesn’t like other children hugging him, he’ll cry & pull away
• he’s not very sturdy, if that’s the right word. Won’t go down slides without help or climb on the sofa etc without help
• clingy to me. If i leave his sight around strangers, he cries. Normally fine if someone else he knows like my husband or grandparents are with him

He does do the following

• i haven’t counted but I reckon he can say around 100 words. And says a lot of them in context. Names animals, fetches the right to us when we ask for something specific
• signs a few words (thanks ms rachel!)
• does like to engage with other children. He’s drawn to them & likes to be around them, particularly older children! But they better not hug him haha. He’ll follow them around
• sleeps like a dream
• eats well
• walks
• in regards to shared interest, at meal times he definitely looks to us for a reaction when he’s throwing food off his plate! With a cheeky grin on his face at the same time
• imitates us laughing / coughing & he finds it hilarious

Not sure what the point of this is really, word vomit?! Haha. She just has me worried. Does he sound like he’s developing ok? She has me concerned now. Am I doing him a dis-service by not having him around other kids more?

I will add that I take him to a morning playgroup on a Monday, Wednesday & Thursday. Tuesdays & / or Fridays we go to a local play centre for a 90 minute session in the afternoon. So he does get to see other children every single day, he’s not just stuck at home with me

thanks guys, one very overthinking mummy x

He sounds delightful and normal. Is your MIL even able to pinpoint what her concern is? Some people just enjoy undermining other people.

Sounds fine to me. I was an only child and wasn't away from my mum at nursery school until I was three, and I absolutely loved it and was ready for it, and I was reading before I started school with an advanced reading age, and always did well at school. Most kids/babies are with a childminder, grandparents or nursery because they have to be, mine were, but it doesn't mean their development will be affected if they aren't as long as they are doing stuff with their parents and a bit of socialising appropriately with other kids.

Also my two DDs were very different, they all have their own innate abilities and personalities - nurture is important but you can only do so much.

DD1 would have needed help to go down a slide at that age, with DD2 she'd be boinging up and down it while I hover nervously. DD1 would be rabbiting on all the time and was an early talker, DD2 didn't talk half as much and made herself understood a lot more clearly after she started nursery school at 2.5.

He sounds like he’s doing great.

My DS went to nursery at 16 months, we tried it for a year and took him to a childminder instead. I’m sure there are lots of amazing nurseries, but the purpose of them is for childcare, rather than helping the child develop, especially for children so young.

Also my DS remained very clingy after going to nursery.. some children just are. It probably made him worse actually.

A lovely nursery teacher once told me that dm's are the best teachers of their dc under 5...tell dgm to be quiet.

Nursery isn't compulsory for development. My children and my GC didn't go until they were 3. And personally if you can manage at I think that's great.
It sounds as though your little one is doing ok and you take him to activities etc so he is mixing with other children. Most toddlers play alongside other children rather than will them and many children are still doing this when they are older
Just carry on doing what you want. If you are worried about his development talk to your health visitor.

Sounds like a perfectly normal toddler to me. Both my kids were at home with me until 3.5 when they got their school nursery places. They did go to a local toddler group for an hour or two a week from 2.5 but that was it. Neither had any issues with ‘skills’.

He sounds delicious, and very like my now teen DS. What skills is she hoping for? Cordon bleu cooking? Grade 5 violin?

Be around him as much as possible.
Esp. if he's nervous.
You, being with him will give him a sense of security which will enable him to grow up as a secure adult.
I would say that a child needs mummy more than others under five years of age.
Forcing it upon him to go out and learn new skills with other people ( so young) is foolish thinking and may be unwise if he's naturally clingy.

He sounds lovely and you sound great!

I wouldn't worry about anything from what you've said here.

Shame your MIL is passive aggressive, though. Do you otherwise get on? Could you tell her to back off and that your dc is absolutely fine?

My elder 2 dd were almost exclusively with me for the first 5 years of their life (we lived abroad). They occasionally met other children but not more than once a week. Both developed perfectly normally and now they are in their early 30s, both very sociable Cambridge graduates with amazing careers. Don't listen to MiL! I think we sometimes forget what ours were like when they were small.

Ya know if DS was attending nursery MIL would have found some bum crap on google saying that he should be at home with his mum 🙄

DS didn't speak at all till he was 2 and didn't like hugs as a toddler. His vocabulary was advanced for his age by the time he started at school and hugs appeared at some point, now 15 years old and still loves a cuddle.

Sounds like you and your DS are doing fine.

I’m a family support worker and I think he sounds like he is thriving! Lots of time with mum, wider family members and playgroups. He sounds like a lovely little boy.

Your child is fine.

Some people get a real bee in their bonnet about Getting kids independent, as if you can ruin them by over parenting.

It's their neurosis and I wouldn't take it on.

I don't think there is much difference between a child being with an engaged parent/caregiver at home or a child in a good childcare setting. They will all thrive with love and nurture regardless.

The passive aggressive would annoy me more but I would also find MIL annoying. Do you think it comes from a good place (she loves him and is worried) or is she generally critical/judgemental? That would influence me.

He sounds fine by the way. Kids develop in different ways, I've got 4 and I've had the early walker, the late walker, the early talker and the later talker etc. I'd only worry if they were significantly late with everything and your little one is clearly not in that position.

The only thing I'd think about is if juggling working at home and looking after him is working for him other than that don't worry.

Similar to you, I was self employed and enjoyed being home with my two.
Neither started nursery until 2years old, and even then only 2 days for my eldest, and 3 for my 2nd birn.
Their preschool year, the 1st did 3 longer days at same nursery and 2nd did 5 school length days (moved her to the nursery attached to eldests school, mostly cos of cost and convenience, but it was also a wonderful nursery)

Tell MIL he is doing just fine! 🙄

They all develop at completely different paces. Mine is just turning 17 months and has 2 words, doesn't stop running ever, is more raccoon than human, and eats anything in front of him. Don't read into her comments, mine has been at daycare since 3 months old. You (and your child) are doing great!

Also, the solitary play and not interacting is very normal. In fact our daycare for our older child used to spend all their time trying (and failing) to teach the children to give each other space, as they grab toys off one another, hit in reaction, etc. 18months to 2.5 years was a minefield of injury reports. 3+ they actually became much better at sharing and communicating. The daycare has nothing to do with it, and your child is very normal with regards to their play style.

He sounds like a lovely little boy. MIL has probably forgotten how they develop in the toddler years and the small differences between say 18 months and 2.5 years. I wouldn’t worry.

If you’re interested OP have a read up on the 6 stages of play. Under 2 and they’re all still in solitary play. At 2 you start to get spectator play (watching other kids play), and then parallel play (doing the same thing alongside each other but not yet playing together). Kids don’t start to play together until age 3 and don’t properly play cooperatively until 4.

And as for the gross motor skills, make sure he’s barefoot at home, has properly fitted first walkers for outside and as well as going to groups hit up all your local playgrounds whenever the weather permits (I know easier said than done this time of year).

My son barely said any words for years but then he was the youngest and had two big sisters and parents to shower him with affection and anticipate his every need. He just didn't need much language at all to communicate. Lazy basically 😂
Now as a 17 yr old his writing skills are outstanding and he has a great vocabulary generally.
The PFB gets all the anxiety, intensity and full focus of parents and grandparents. Once you have more children you get more and more relaxed.
Just give him tons of love and cuddles, keep him off phones until he is at least 14, give him the opportunity to do lots of physical exercise, talk to, and read to him a lot and you should be golden

I really wouldn't worry. Mine started nursery at two. Lots don't start til 3 when parents get funded hours.

Toddlers do things in their own time and I'd take certain milestones with a pinch of salt. Mine still doesn't shake or nod his head. He says "yes" and "no" or "I want it" to communicate.

All kids develop at different ages which i know you would heard before his vocabulary is amazing i really dont think you have any concerns i have an 18 month grandson and i have looked at developement goals and he hasnt reached some of those goals but hes making slow progress take pride in spending quality time with him one to one focus maybe on toys to improve some area han eye co ord or agility skills well done to you for what seems to be a perfectly happy child please dont worry or if you are worried speak to a health visitor it is easy for people to compare to so and so or this or that

Mine never went to nursery, very few did back in the 70s. 2 hours playgroup once a week then straight to school at 5.

The child doesn’t have a keyworker, he isn’t at nursery! It’s her MIL that’s saying this.

I do however agree that your child doesn’t sound out of the norm for this age! I’ve worked in early years for over 15 years and seen many children develop in their own way!
I am now a reception teacher and I would say that I do see the difference between children that attend settings before school (usually the year before). It does tend to give them a leg up when it comes to starting school. However if you want to keep DS at home until he starts school it won’t be detrimental to him at all :)