Disciplining 2 year old

[Roxyrocks]

Hi all,

I'm currently completely at my wits end with my 2 1/2 year old.

She's lashing out frequently- hitting, pinching and pulling (main targets are her 6mo brother and me)

When we tell her off and explain She's hurting people she just laughs and says we're making her sad if we shout at her

Just before she lashes out she sometimes verbalises the thought ie "I hurt mummy, I hurt brother"

Really struggling to know how to put an end to the behaviour as so far she has found all efforts hilarious. I've tried shouting, calmly explaining and time out

Thanks

If you hit your own child then yes he is.

I wonder if when he grows up, he shows you he learned what you taught him and starts hitting you back. You showed him if someone does something you think isn’t ok, then hitting them is the best way to manage it. That’s what you’re teaching him. So one day he’s going to be bigger than you, and you’re going to do something he doesn’t like. How will he manage that. Slap you one? You do it to him, so why would he think to do anything any different?

you reap what you sow. And you’re sowing violence and domestic abuse in your home. Hitting a child isn’t different to hitting another adult, just as they are small and can’t defend themselves.

We've got some kind of pile-on by sadsacks on here promoting smacking.

Does she get much 121 attention from you OP? I'd lavish her with attention, praise every tiny positive thing she does.

If she hits, stay calm and don't tell off strenuously as that's attention - say 'ok we don't do that', remove her from situation, apply consequence she doesn't like such as putting a favourite toy away for 5 mins. I used to play music a lot and would say 'now it's my choice' so we'd have opera instead of Disney etc. If you get upset with her, it's a form of reward so try not to. You can also make hitting result in more attention for sibling so don't talk to her right away, instead pick up baby and say 'oh dear that wasn't nice' etc.

You can also discuss the arrival of brother with her to help as she might not be able to articulate feelings, say how it's changed things and maybe she's sad about it sometimes but you always love her just as much as ever and want to spend time with her.

If you can avoid being stuck home with the baby a lot, that helps - playgroups, park, nursery etc.

Also - about 6 months is a crucial time in having a new sibling, a baby is a thoroughly different being to a toddler but once they can sit and start being mobile, they are more similar to older sibling and therefore more of a threat. Try to see things through her eyes - baby is probably grabbing toys and reaching for things that she sees as hers.

@Janieforever Whilst I don't agree with smacking I was smacked as a child if I did something exceptionally naughty or dangerous and didn't grow up to be a violent person, so I don't see why @blackpanth 's child would either?

Its not domestic abuse at all. I am not abusing my son. My son is going to grow up absolutely fine :)

Hi all,
I didn't expect this post to cause such a debate.

We absolutely are not planning on smacking her, as a child who was smacked myself it's not something I would do. Why would I physically hurt her in an attempt to teach her to not physically hurt?!

I'm planning on putting her in her room after she lashes out.
A lot of the episodes from her happen when I'm breastfeeding her brother so I think it's definitely frustration/jealousy so I'm going to try and sort a few activities that I can do with her while feeding her brother.

Hope you're okay OP. This thread has got ridiculous. It's really tough at this age. I found reading 'how to talk so little people listen' really helpful.

Other things: trying to spot the triggers and intervene before behaviour deteriorates, make sure you get out and about enough so she isn't bored/frustrated (behaviour usually better out of the house), minimise screen time and sugar intake as both of these will worsen behaviour, books about feelings are good eg the colour monster to help her understand her emotions better.

I'm planning on putting her in her room after she lashes out.

I wouldn't do this honestly. Up to you of course, but I think exclusion like that is pretty full on for a 2 year old. Better to stay present with her and address it another way.

@blackpanth

Its not domestic abuse at all. I am not abusing my son

If you are hitting your child that is assault of a vulnerable person in a famial relationship. Where the abuser exerts power and control over the victim.

There is a LOT of evidence - not just anecdote - on smacking kids. It doesn't work: https://www.vox.com/2016/4/27/11510118/spanking-children

You basically have to ignore it.

Move her away from whoever she is trying to hit and say "we don't hit people" in a calm and neutral voice and ignore the behaviour.

Don't reprimand, don'ts shout, don't react. And when she's a bit calmer you can talk about how to deal with frustration/anger etc.

Then work out what she is trying to tell you when she reaches hitting point and try and help her before that point or give her alternatives that will work.

Do you not realize how naive, close minded and utterly stupid that statement is? I turned out OK so everyone else will. We've gotta start using our brain a little bit more in 2024.

If I hit an adult whose behaviour I didn’t like, I’d be done for assault. But for an adult to hit a small child is apparently fine. Unbelievable.

Call it what you like; also you can pretend all you like but at the end of the day it's domestic abuse. You are physically assaulting a child.

If nobody else has already suggested it, Big Little Feelings on Insta is easily digestible and helped us a lot. I’ve also heard good things about Janet Lansbury.

A smacked bottom isn't hitting or causing pain - that's abuse. Never used it myself as ds was a little angel of a toddler. A smacked bottom means a tap as a reminder.

@Bbq1 yes and that's all I meant. I never meant a hard wallop🙄

You keep thinking that. Like I said before I'm not going to listen to strangers on the Internet. Don't need to justify myself. My son is well looked after. A light smack on the bum is not abuse.

2 year is probably feeling pushed out and jealous, Op. It's obvious. Is she getting plenty of positive, quality 1 to 1 with you/dad? They say any attention is better than none so maybe this is the way your toddler gets some attention. She's only really a baby herself.

Honestly this "tap" business is a nonsense. A tap that is light enough not to hurt is meaningless and isn't going to indicate anything sensible to the toddler. It's not any kind of parenting strategy and indicates a lack of capacity to deal with normal child behaviour.

It actually works. Because he does listen and I also give a firm no too.

You have no idea if it's your "tap" that's correcting his behaviour or the firm "no"....

Hopefully soon England will follow the other parts of the UK and ban any kind of physical chastisement, even these kind and gentle "taps" that work so effectively.

You said "showing her it hurts"

I wonder how you would feel if someone smacked you hard enough to "show you it hurts"

You can backtrack now if you like but your words are there

As pp said, showing her it hurts isn't going to kill her.

There are a lot of things that hurt that don't kill you. Unless medically necessary most of us prefer not to use that as the yardstick of whether we are getting it right or not 🙄

The thing is those posters going "Oh absolutely smack them" and "that's how they learn it hurts" who are now backtracking to "its just a light tap, we don't actually hurt them"

They are backtracking because they know that what they are doing is wrong. That's why they need to downplay it.

Do you think this approach works with adults, too? Presumably you smacked your children, so when you're old and frail and 'misbehaving' (or just not exhibiting the behaviour they want in that particular moment) then you'll be fine with them 'smacking you on the bottom' to teach you a lesson? When you're too old and frail to report it? When you're vulnerable and unable to communicate so that others can understand your feelings?

I think we've moved on from the days when you were a parent, thankfully. I don't think your outdated opinions are particularly helpful, if I were you I'd concentrate on working on your relationship with your children - before it's too late.