13 year old son tried to black mail me

[rob38]

My son mostly lives with his mother, he has missed most of the last two - three months of school. Since June when he has been in school he has had a detention nearly every day and has had 5 or 6 suspensions. He has had support from Camhs but just seems to be acting this way for fun, and has repeatedly told me he is choosing to mess around.

On Tuesday he stayed over with me after he said that his mother had hit him and he had hit her back (he has a social worker at the moment who I reported this to).

I got him up for school on Wednesday morning, and found him a pen to take as he didn't have a pencil case with him, and his teachers had complained about him coming to class without a pen. He refused to take the pen unless I gave him £20, I though he was joking and said to him 'are you joking? I hope you are joking', to which he replied he wasn't. He then said that he was going to mess around at school unless I gave him £20. I am aware that he blackmails his mum, and I said to him that that does not work on me and that I wanted him to tell me that he was joking, to which he said he wasnt.

I explained to him how much distress his behavior had been causing everyone and that I could not believe he was acting this way with me.

On that day I had planned to go Christmas shopping for him and was going to spend up to $1000. After more attempts at blackmail in the car I said to him that I was going to drop his stuff off at his mums, that he doesn't behave like that with me, and that I was going to give him £100 for Christmas instead of spending £1000.

You keep talking about consequences but there would have been one - no pen - detention.

You don't need to go to war with your child - you ignore the asking for money, shrug and go 'okay don't take it - off you pop have fun in school - I love you'

Kids model the behaviour of the adults around them - so be what you want him to - calm, kind and constant. You went from 'take a pen' to I am taking £900 off you' which is such an unnecessary escalation

Why doesn’t he attend school? What does your son feel the issues are?

@ghostyslovesheets

Thank you I have watched a bit of Helping Our Teens.

I have talked to my son about the potential of being excluded and of having a trial move. He has told me that he will behave at his new school for a week or two while he builds a friendship group and then will act in the same way again, encouraging his new friends to act out with him. I relayed this to his head of year and he told me that that is what he suspected my son had son at the start of term in September. I haven't been pushing for a trial move as he is perfectly able to do what has explained he would do, and is likely to at the moment.

@Swishyfishy

A few of his friends don't attend school. He acted this way in 2020, in protest to not being able to see me, so it is a learnt behavior. At the moment, he just prefers to stay at home gaming and eating snacks and playing with his mates after school, then doing classes

Any ideas for consequences? They don't have to be harsh just effective ones.

I have had lots of criticism for sending him back to his mums, but not alternative suggestions of consequences I could use.

You're ignoring the fact that everyone has pointed out to you that the incident you described was escalated by you and led to you making threats. People are suggesting that you de-escalate, show calm consistent behaviour and allow the natural consequence. So if he went to school without the correct equipment, through his choice, then he gets the associated detention. Don't rise to any nonsense from him about how detentions don't matter and he doesn't care about them. That's the consequence, so you support the school in that. No need for you to add additional punishments on top.

@fedupandstuck

The approach of letting a child find their own consequence, only works as a parenting technique if its implemented from them being a toddler.

If my son goes to school without a pen, he wont learn a lesson from his choice not to take a pen to school. What will happen is that his teacher will complain to me again that she has had to delay the start of her lesson while she finds him a pen.

@fedupandstuck

He genuinely doesn't care about detentions, so its not an effective consequence.

There have been a lot of people in this threat basically stating that I am a dick for sending him back to his mum, but that was an effective consequence that saw an improvement in his behavior.

Rather then send him to his mum in future, is there another consequence that I could use?

So, if that's genuinely all that happens if the children turn up without equipment then you're dealing with a shit teacher and/or a shit school.

The teacher should be issuing a detention at the appropriate level, and have a stash of pens to hand out so as not to disrupt the lesson.

It doesn't matter if he says he doesn't care about detentions. If he gets one, he goes to it.

Handing a child into the care of someone who will hit him is not an appropriate consequence. It is essentially deferred abuse. What you are saying is that you put your son in an abusive environment and his behaviour improved. That is not a process of appropriate parenting, it is a child reacting from trauma and instability. It will not lead to long term improvements and in fact is probably a sign of further damage. It is not any kind of parenting strategy.

Don't rise to stupid nonsense from your son and escalate situations into confrontations that you then feel need harsh consequences!

If you need to enforce a consequence for a genuine situation where your son has made poor choices, then do so even if he walks off to his mums. The next time he is due to stay with you is when the consequence is enforced. I'd agree that with him in advance when he is calm and you are able to have a reasonable chat with him.

In the meantime, move heaven and earth to get your daughter out of your ex's home. And see if you can do the same for your son even if you think it's too late.

I, like others, really don't understand why you sent him back to his mum's in the first place. What exactly did he do to warrant being sent back when he was meant to be staying with you? Was it just that he tried to 'blackmail' you into giving him money? Because I can't see what was so bad about that? He asked for money, you refused. End of issue. You say it went on for 45 minutes. Why? That seems ridiculous. I've also done therapeutic parenting training and having drawn out conversations that don't need to be had is not part of it. He 'demanded,' you said no, he started making threats and you reacted and then overreacted. Instead you should have maintained a calm detachment. So he didn't take a pen. So what? The teacher emails you to complain? Not the end of the world. You answer explaining you offered pens and they were all refused and your son was getting agitated so you felt it was best for him to just get to school and face the consequence. You could always offer to send some pens into the school for him to use there.

You say he's not bothered by detentions, but you also say him getting in trouble at school causes you a great deal of upset. This all feeds into the negative attention he's thriving off, so detach. Don't let him know that it's bothered you.
'Dad, I got a detention cos I didn't have a pen and I messed about. I told you that would happen.'
'Yes, you made that choice when I offered the pen. We both knew you'd get a detention. That was your choice. End of story. What do you fancy for tea today?'

I do agree that humour, curiosity etc is not always the best way to deal with a child's misbehaviour in the moment. Sometimes they do need firm consequences. But they also need to feel that their parent still loves them and isn't pushing them away. Your son was sent to you due to his behaviour at mum's, then sent back to mum's due to his behaviour at yours. The message this will have given him is 'neither of them want me.' This may have shocked him into behaving for a couple of days but is unlikely to be a positive behaviour management tool moving forward.

What kind of things are you giving him consequences for that result in him walking off to his mum's? If it's in response to his behaviour at school then stop that and let school deal with his behaviour. He gets detentions, he gets suspensions, fair enough you support the school but you don't have to punish at home as well. I would say
'I'm very disappointed son. You're a very bright lad and you could be doing very well at school if you chose to behave' and then walk away. Don't get into a big argument. Don't get drawn into hours of the negative attention he seeks.

Then at times of calmness try to find ways of connecting positively. Try sports together. Go to museums. Go to the cinema and on walks. Let him talk to you about his life but don't be drawn into the negatives he brings up. A good training session I once went on gave the advice that if kids are trying to get a rise out of you by bigging up their terrible behaviour, try to maintain an air of slightly bored disinterest. So a 'that's nice dear' type of approach. So if he's saying 'I make friends just to get them to misbehave with me. I can get anyone to do whatever I want,' respond with 'that seems a bit daft to me.' And leave it at that.

@AmyandPhilipfan

'I do agree that humor, curiosity etc. is not always the best way to deal with a child's misbehavior in the moment. Sometimes they do need firm consequences.'

What consequences could I use? Bearing in mind he can leave my house and walk to his mums if doesn't like the consequence.

But a consequence for what? What type of thing are you giving him a consequence for?

@AmyandPhilipfan

They don't have to be harsh consequences just effective ones.

@AmyandPhilipfan

A few examples.

Its 11.45 pm on school night and he wont go to bed.

He has called me a fucking nonce.

He refuses to get up for school.

The consequence is you are disappointed in him. Ok it sounds a bit wishy washy but take the long term view. You gain his respect by being a reliable, loving dad who always has high standards for your own behaviour and tries to do the right thing. He sees you have a code for your own behaviour and you live by it and you expect the same of him as your son.

Its 11.45 pm on school night and he wont go to bed - he's tired the next day

He has called me a fucking nonce 'That's not very nice son' and ignore

He refuses to get up for school - he's late

They are the consequences

@ghostyslovesheets

Those are natural consequences and they don't work for a 13 year old boy.

He's tired the next day - his behavior is either worse at school or he refuses to
go into school

That's not very nice son - he feels free to call me it again

He is late for school - he gets into more trouble at school or he just refuses to go in

Pretty much what ghosty said

If he won't go to bed, I'd ask him to go in his room and make it clear it was up to him if he slept or not but that he will be tired in the morning if he doesn't. If he refused to move from the TV or whatever I'd probably say that he was going to be tired in the morning then I'd go to bed. Actually in my house I'd also turn off TV, WiFi, confiscate phones etc but I appreciate with your son this might escalate him and so best not to do.

If he calls you names you firmly say 'Do not speak to me like that. Come back and talk to me when you're able to do so with respect.' Then walk away from him. And later when all is calm reiterate that you do not like being called names, you do not call him names and you do not expect him to do so to you or anyone else.

If he won't get up in the morning then you either leave him to be late for school and deal with the consequence, or you make him wake up by banging on his door, opening his curtains, pulling his duvet off him etc. and ignore any abuse that comes out of his mouth. Just keep reiterating 'it's time to wake up. You need to get up now and go to school.' Then later in the day when he's up and been to school you have a chat with him about why he wouldn't get up and go over the rules about bedtime, no devices in room overnight etc and what time he needs to wake up.

I think you're confusing consequence with punishment. Not every action needs to have a specific punishment. It just needs to be dealt with in the moment.

Your trouble is your ship has sailed with getting him to be respectful as a young child and now he's big and you're scared of him. The time to put in boundaries was when he was young. Not just you but also mum. If the boundaries weren't there all the time it's much harder to try to implement them now. Not impossible but more of an uphill struggle. The best thing to do would be to work with mum to ensure the boundaries/rules are the same at both homes. Is this a conversation you would be able to have with her?

@AmyandPhilipfan

I am not scared of him but his mums is.

With the going to bed late, he usually goes to bed at my house on time. If he does refuse I sate that I will come in and turn his screens off in 5 minutes if he has not turned them off by himself.

Him calling me a fucking nonce, I don't respond to it at all, which works

Refusing to go to school, he has only done that with me once. I had to work that day and had no option but to drop him off at his mums.

There is no communication between myself and his mum, and she is unable to implement boundaries. Which is why my son has in the past just left my home and gone to his mums house when I have tried to implement a screen ban. And why he currently stays with me only one day per week.

So he said 'I'll only do this if you give me £20' and you replied 'I'll only give you £900 if you do xyz'?

Yeah can't think where he got that attitude ...

@Holly60

No. Read the posts carefully or don't comment

Can you consider a boarding school for him?

Apologies if you have already answered this and I have missed your reply.

There have been a lot of people in this threat basically stating that I am a dick for sending him back to his mum, but that was an effective consequence that saw an improvement in his behavior

My children would also have "behaved better" faced with the prospect of being sent back to the father who abused them. However, I didn't feel that sending children to stay with an abusive adult was a reasonable solution.

Please don’t manage move him to a new school! I work in this field and I can tell you now this is not a good solution.