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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable - Hubby not supporting staying up to wait for teenage daughter to get home late from work

150 replies

Neverjustamum · 29/10/2023 12:24

Hello,

Can I please have opinions on this one.

Married with 2 children 20 and 17.

17 year old daughter has a job at a local restaurant. She works on a Fri and Sat night. She normally finishes work at around midnight but sometimes it can be 1am.

First of all hubby doesn't think that we should be responsible for picking her up and that work should really drop her home. They do frequently do this but I think it is our responsibility and don't like putting them out too much. I like to be able to ask them when we are going on a night out. So when she goes to work sometimes she calls about 11.45pm and says they're dropping her home and sometimes she asks to be picked up. It isn't consistent. So one of us really has to be on call for her.

We work full time and to be honest by Friday we do like to kick back with a glass of wine and chill. The problem is that as hubby doesn't think we should be picking her up I feel that I am not able to relax on a weekend at all. He quite happily switches off and enjoys a glass of wine and I do the waiting. Even if they are dropping her off I will always stay up and make sure she is home safe. But the late nights are wearing me out.

Hubby just switches off, has a drink and thinks they should bring her back, so it all falls on me. This is turning into a contentious issue between us. By Friday sometimes I'm shattered and I just need a brain break and to switch off and sometimes I just need to go to bed early. So I ask hubby to stay awake and make sure she gets in ok. He just falls asleep so I feel let down by him, I can't rely on him to make sure she's in safe. I feel he doesn't see her safety as a priority, or care that I am tired too and need to switch off. It would be lovely if I could just rely on him for one of the nights and that he understood where I'm coming from. I just want him to share this but he doesn't even think we should be picking her up and his Mum never waited up for him to come in. It is driving me demented!

Am I being unreasonable and overprotective of my daughter. I just can't sleep until I know she's in, but it would help me if I could rely on my hubby and he realised that it is important to make sure she has a lift and is safe and also that he cared, that I might be tired too and I need to be able to ask him for help and rely on him.

Thank you

OP posts:
Londonscallingme · 29/10/2023 12:31

I’m surprised her work drops her back at all to be honest. I have a young child so who knows how I’ll feel in 15 years time but I think at 17 I’d want to encourage her work ethic and I’d pick her up if needed, I’d hope my OH would share in that duty. I’d probably not wait up fit her if I knew she had a lift (but as I say, I wonder if I might think differently whfn I’m in the situation 😂, my mum would definitely gave waited up for be at that age). Is she learning to drive?

Ragwort · 29/10/2023 12:32

It's tricky - parenting is never easy especially when you disagree about something so fundamental. It does sound a little uncaring of him to not want to make sure his DD is home safely but I don't think you can 'make' him change his mind. In our situation it was nearly always DH who collected our DS from late night parties etc ... it's just a stage of life you go through and you prioritise an alcohol free evening so that you can collect your DC .. and good for your DD for getting a part time job.

I think you have to probably accept that as it's so important to you, you are the one who stays up.

Hatty65 · 29/10/2023 12:32

I'm in awe at the idea of a restaurant running a worker home, to be honest. No where I (or DC) have ever worked would have done that. It's your DD responsibility to get to and from work and I think your DH is utterly unreasonable. Would he expect HIS bosses to run him home?

And why does he think other people are responsible for his DDs safety so that he can drink in peace? Can you book a local taxi for her?

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Dacadactyl · 29/10/2023 12:34

What about she gets a cab home?

stayathomer · 29/10/2023 12:35

I’d agree with a taxi the odd time. I don’t think your dh is great but saying that the few times we’ve had to pick my ds (15) up after a late cinema has been the times we both said we’d love to be in bed and then we said oh god in a few years this is going to be the norm! I appreciate my dad even more now, he was always’on call’ for us and my mum would be asleep a lot!!!

DisplayPurposesOnly · 29/10/2023 12:37

It's not the employer's responsibility to bring your daughter home from work, although obviously it's nice when they do.

If neither you nor husband want to stay sober/awake (not unreasonable), then can't she get a taxi. I would set her some limits - if you're coming home after midnight, get a taxi; if you want picking up before midnight, you need to let me know by 10.30pm.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/10/2023 12:37

First of all hubby doesn't think that we should be responsible for picking her up and that work should really drop her home.

It absolutely isn’t her work’s responsibility to get her home!!

This should have been something for her to think about before she agreed to the job. Is there a bus she can get home? If it depends on you collecting her every Friday and Saturday night at stupid o’clock, then it’s not a brilliant place for her to work. She needs to walk or get a bus, cycle or drive or form a different plan. My parents would have done a lift this late as a one-off for me, but not regularly as they were always in bed by 11.30. I would never have asked. I worked in a shop during the day and walked or cycled home until I learnt to drive.

If she learns to drive, could she afford to run a car, @Neverjustamum ?

Cookerhood · 29/10/2023 12:37

I would pay for an Uber for her, then she's not using an hour's pay or whatever. You can then track the Uber. I always stayed awake but DH didn't - he was more relaxed than me. As they got older & were going out late etc we had an agreement that they would turn the landing light on when they came in, then when I woke up at 2am with a start I would know if they were back or not.

TotalOverhaul · 29/10/2023 12:37

Has the law changed? When I worked in restaurants it was the law that they provided a taxi if your shift ended after public transport. We always asked for them to book Ladycabs to feel safe.

WonderingWanda · 29/10/2023 12:38

I used to get a taxi or a bus, surely she could so similar. You could set an alarm for a time when you know she should be home by so you can wake up and check she's made it.

Squeaky2023 · 29/10/2023 12:38

I've just fallen asleep on the sofa in comfy clothes with my phone near by when waiting to see if DS needs me. Is that an option?
Your DH just isn't going to do it.

WeWereInParis · 29/10/2023 12:39

What was discussed before she got the job? I'd be annoyed if my DD got a job that meant I'd have to be up and picking her up every Friday and Saturday night at midnight without some discussion.

I don't really understand why her work are involved at all. Unless by work you just mean a friendly colleague that sometimes offers.

SecretVictoria · 29/10/2023 12:39

TotalOverhaul · 29/10/2023 12:37

Has the law changed? When I worked in restaurants it was the law that they provided a taxi if your shift ended after public transport. We always asked for them to book Ladycabs to feel safe.

This has never been a law in England/Wales.

Thisisnotmyname2022 · 29/10/2023 12:43

My sister used to work for a restaurant chain about 20 years ago. She lived 2 streets away. When her shift finished at close, they had to get her a taxi. It was quicker for her to walk than wait, however it was company policy.

PegasusReturns · 29/10/2023 12:45

I’d feel the same.

I stay up to ensure DC are home and safe. DH is less concerned. He can’t relate to the fear of being stranded /stuck as a young woman and being forced into shady situations.

HeddaGarbled · 29/10/2023 12:45

I wouldn’t stay up past midnight every Friday & Saturday night to enable her to work. If it’s not possible for her to get home any other way, then the job’s not feasible, IMO. Occasionally, in an emergency, fine, but you’re spoiling your weekends to enable this.

NancyJoan · 29/10/2023 12:45

Your DH is being ridiculous in suggesting that her employer is responsible for getting her home. But I can understand why he doesn’t want to be waiting up, clock watching, in case she needs a lift. She needs to take a bit of responsibility here, and make her arrangements before the weekend. Maybe a taxi on a Fri, you pick her up on a Sat.

I don’t think your DH should stay up to check she’s home, any more than you should.

theduchessofspork · 29/10/2023 12:45

TotalOverhaul · 29/10/2023 12:37

Has the law changed? When I worked in restaurants it was the law that they provided a taxi if your shift ended after public transport. We always asked for them to book Ladycabs to feel safe.

As far as I know this has never been the law in any part of the UK, or anywhere else I can think of. Where are you?!

PosterBoy · 29/10/2023 12:45

I've done this for my kids over the years. I honestly think your dh is being a knob but you can't make other people care. So I would advise seeing this as a stage - and a fairly short one - and resign yourself to doing all the pickups (unless you outsource to uber). You could go to bed earlier and set an alarm if you need the sleep.
Is it possible for a nearby friend of hers to get a job at the same place and share lifts?
And get her driving asap!

theduchessofspork · 29/10/2023 12:47

I don’t think anyone should be waiting up for her OP. Taxi or bus, or she gets a job that doesn’t mean finishing late.

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 29/10/2023 12:47

As it’s a local restaurant, can she walk home? Do you wake up when she comes in the door?

Someone coming in always wakes me up so I know when the DC are back.

If you wanted to have a drink you could “pick her up“ on foot if walking distance. I’d combine that with the dog walk.

Its her responsibility to get herself home though. When I was 17 I was working in hospitality and it was the bus home, finishing after the bus meant walking which was a pain because it was 6+miles through city centre and suburbs but no mobile phones and no one waiting up for me. I can’t see how it’s the restaurant’s responsibility (or even yours, but I understand why you are concerned)

WeWereInParis · 29/10/2023 12:48

HeddaGarbled · 29/10/2023 12:45

I wouldn’t stay up past midnight every Friday & Saturday night to enable her to work. If it’s not possible for her to get home any other way, then the job’s not feasible, IMO. Occasionally, in an emergency, fine, but you’re spoiling your weekends to enable this.

I agree with this.

Phiface77 · 29/10/2023 12:49

I dont think you are necessarily unreasonable to feel the way you do, but I think you are unreasonable to expect your husband to feel the same. This is between you and your daughter. If she has taken a job and is unable to get home she needs to sort something. If you're prepared to be the default lift or even on stand by then that's up to you but its unreasonable to expect your OH to sign up for this. I wouldn't. Shes 17 not 7

arethereanyleftatall · 29/10/2023 12:50

This is completely absurd.

Is your husband really really dim?

Since when is it an employers responsibility to drive people home?!? Does your husbands company drive him to and from work?

Not wanting to pick her up I understand - are there no taxi firms where you are? (It's not clear why you didn't mention a taxi)

HippoStraw · 29/10/2023 12:50

I wait up or get my DD. It’s all very well to say get a different job, but it’s not always that simple when they have college or whatever, and I want them to have some work ethic and money. I’m not prepared to have them walking 2 miles home in the dark, so I pick up. I would pay for a taxi sometimes though.