Am I being unreasonable - Hubby not supporting staying up to wait for teenage daughter to get home late from work

[Neverjustamum]

Hello,

Can I please have opinions on this one.

Married with 2 children 20 and 17.

17 year old daughter has a job at a local restaurant. She works on a Fri and Sat night. She normally finishes work at around midnight but sometimes it can be 1am.

First of all hubby doesn't think that we should be responsible for picking her up and that work should really drop her home. They do frequently do this but I think it is our responsibility and don't like putting them out too much. I like to be able to ask them when we are going on a night out. So when she goes to work sometimes she calls about 11.45pm and says they're dropping her home and sometimes she asks to be picked up. It isn't consistent. So one of us really has to be on call for her.

We work full time and to be honest by Friday we do like to kick back with a glass of wine and chill. The problem is that as hubby doesn't think we should be picking her up I feel that I am not able to relax on a weekend at all. He quite happily switches off and enjoys a glass of wine and I do the waiting. Even if they are dropping her off I will always stay up and make sure she is home safe. But the late nights are wearing me out.

Hubby just switches off, has a drink and thinks they should bring her back, so it all falls on me. This is turning into a contentious issue between us. By Friday sometimes I'm shattered and I just need a brain break and to switch off and sometimes I just need to go to bed early. So I ask hubby to stay awake and make sure she gets in ok. He just falls asleep so I feel let down by him, I can't rely on him to make sure she's in safe. I feel he doesn't see her safety as a priority, or care that I am tired too and need to switch off. It would be lovely if I could just rely on him for one of the nights and that he understood where I'm coming from. I just want him to share this but he doesn't even think we should be picking her up and his Mum never waited up for him to come in. It is driving me demented!

Am I being unreasonable and overprotective of my daughter. I just can't sleep until I know she's in, but it would help me if I could rely on my hubby and he realised that it is important to make sure she has a lift and is safe and also that he cared, that I might be tired too and I need to be able to ask him for help and rely on him.

Thank you

I get why it's hard for you and kids/ teens are infantilised today in a way they weren't when I was growing up (not all that long ago.)

At 17 she could leaving home for uni or wherever, or travelling the world within a year or so. I think you need to learn to adjust, but with totally empathy and dreading this but for myself.

I’m in Scotland too and wonder if it’s the case here as our licensing laws are different (later openings) but young staff (maybe only the under 18s?) were always got taxis home by the restaurant after a certain time (maybe midnight?)

So when she goes to work sometimes she calls about 11.45pm and says they're dropping her home and sometimes she asks to be picked up. It isn't consistent.

This isn’t a reasonable expectation on her part. I’m knackered after a week at work and would often want to be asleep by then on a Friday and Saturday night-not sitting there waiting for a phone to tell me that I may or may not be needed to go out in the dark and collect her!

It is not work's responsiblity to drive her home but I would also not stay up and not drink due to a teen's job. It clearly is beyond her years and has too great an impact as she can't handle the responsiblity of getting safely to or from work or home and into bed without parental support. I would tell her to get different job at his age where she is home at a responsble hour.

So your husband is being unreasonable thinking work would drive her home
You are being unreasonable expecting your DH to stay up until 1am not not drink
Your daughter is being unreasonable working a job that she isn't mature or independent enough to manage.

Take it in turns each week.

Week 1 - Mum picks up.
Week 2 - Dad picks up.
Week 3 - Uber.
Week 4 - Work give her a lift.

Uber app on her phone, charged to you guys. Then if you want a drink she has a backup plan and if you don’t you can pick her up.
Go to bed when you need to and ask her to pop her head round the bedroom door when she’s home.

Also on the staying up front, I would like to stay awake until I know DS17 is safely home, but I sleep deepest between 11-2 and can't really stop myself. I do check when I wake up middle of night that his door is closed and his shoes there, but literally can't make myself stay up until he gets in.

They can't do this as DD doesn't seem to know which weeks work will be giving her a lift.

I would expect her to make her own way home.

You need to get used to going to bed, she will be heading out much later soon.

I used to get mine to leave their shoes outside my bedroom door, so I tripped over them and knew they were home.

@rookiemere ah I see.

Maybe just rotate on a 3 week rota then.

AI

My dd17 babysits a lot and sometimes I go out and collect her late. Yes it's a bit of a pain but a) I don't want to discourage her from earning her own money and b) I wouldn't feel happy letting her walk home in the dark alone late.

When my DC was that age we picked up. Always.
There is no public transport here, no Uber and a taxi would have cost more than his wages. It's part of having teenagers. The work is good for them but you have to facilitate it even if that means no wine on a Friday.
Take turns at not drinking. If you know she has a lift home I would go to bed but set alarm for 2am or whatever time.

This is every Friday and every Saturday night and the DH doesn’t want to do it.

Agree. There are other jobs. Her job shouldn't impact on your weekend.

What does she do at the restaurant? 12/1am is very late for most restaurants. My daughter is a waitress and she'd done by 10.30 at the latest as most have stopped serving food by then.

It’s not ‘part of having teenagers’, no. As a teenager, I never requires my parents to collect me at 12/1am both nights every weekend. My own teens have never asked us to provide this. We have all had teen jobs during the day or somewhere nearby.

This is a conversation that the teen should have had with her parents BEFORE accepting the job.

Although it isn't a law that an employer has to provide transport home they do have a duty of care to employees and ensuring their safety due to unsociable hours comes under this especially as the daughter is only 17. They SHOULD provide transport home as part of that duty of care especially as she is required to work beyond the 11pm limit.

"It's part of having teenagers. The work is good for them but you have to facilitate it even if that means no wine on a Friday."

Nope.

When I was that age I worked in a restaurant and often finished late. But I organised how I was getting to and from work in advance. Usually one of the other waiting staff would be happy to run me home. We got the schedule of shifts a week in advance so I could see who would be working with me and arrange lifts or confirm that my parents could do it. I made sure I could do this before I started working there.
There's no way my parents would have agreed to sitting around every weekend waiting for me to tell them at midnight whether they needed to get me or not. She needs to find out much earlier - at the latest as soon as she arrives at work really - is she nervous about asking and so waits for work to offer, and that's why she doesn't know until so late?

Yep.
It's part of it.

No.

Well ok, perhaps if you're a doormat with no life outside of your young adult kids.
I'm not you see.

And neither do I want them to think I am.

In all my years i have found that it is always the most selfish parents shout the loudest about independence and all that bs.
Pick her up. It's the right thing to do.
You husband is behaving really badly.

<laughs>