Am I being unreasonable - Hubby not supporting staying up to wait for teenage daughter to get home late from work

[Neverjustamum]

Hello,

Can I please have opinions on this one.

Married with 2 children 20 and 17.

17 year old daughter has a job at a local restaurant. She works on a Fri and Sat night. She normally finishes work at around midnight but sometimes it can be 1am.

First of all hubby doesn't think that we should be responsible for picking her up and that work should really drop her home. They do frequently do this but I think it is our responsibility and don't like putting them out too much. I like to be able to ask them when we are going on a night out. So when she goes to work sometimes she calls about 11.45pm and says they're dropping her home and sometimes she asks to be picked up. It isn't consistent. So one of us really has to be on call for her.

We work full time and to be honest by Friday we do like to kick back with a glass of wine and chill. The problem is that as hubby doesn't think we should be picking her up I feel that I am not able to relax on a weekend at all. He quite happily switches off and enjoys a glass of wine and I do the waiting. Even if they are dropping her off I will always stay up and make sure she is home safe. But the late nights are wearing me out.

Hubby just switches off, has a drink and thinks they should bring her back, so it all falls on me. This is turning into a contentious issue between us. By Friday sometimes I'm shattered and I just need a brain break and to switch off and sometimes I just need to go to bed early. So I ask hubby to stay awake and make sure she gets in ok. He just falls asleep so I feel let down by him, I can't rely on him to make sure she's in safe. I feel he doesn't see her safety as a priority, or care that I am tired too and need to switch off. It would be lovely if I could just rely on him for one of the nights and that he understood where I'm coming from. I just want him to share this but he doesn't even think we should be picking her up and his Mum never waited up for him to come in. It is driving me demented!

Am I being unreasonable and overprotective of my daughter. I just can't sleep until I know she's in, but it would help me if I could rely on my hubby and he realised that it is important to make sure she has a lift and is safe and also that he cared, that I might be tired too and I need to be able to ask him for help and rely on him.

Thank you

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable really, but there’s a lot of info missing from the OP.

How far from work do you live? Is an Uber/taxi a possibility? What was discussed when she got the job?

Potentially, a daytime job might be more appropriate for her?

Find her a decent local cab company. Tell her you will always reimburse her the money. Then if her employer doesn't bring her home, she has an alternative.

To be honest, at 17, she should be able to plan ahead, with her employer (who sounds lovely) to ensure she gets home safely. How will she cope when she's at uni miles away and no-one there to act as back-up.

Is be upset DH isn’t concerned for his daughter’s safety, whatever her age.

But it’s also not on for your DD to take on a job that requires her parents’ input, without you agreeing to that input.

All three if you are responsible for this situation. Not just your DH.

I cannot fathom why your DDs safety is nothing to him.

Personally I have picked both my girls up from work if they finish late. I have also had a dreaded call at 4am. My phone was on noisy at night and I would drive to anywhere to collect them and they knew that.

Too many incidents for young women to ever not to.

Maybe have a nap early in the evening and forgo the alcohol. It won't be forever.

Friday and Saturday nights are for relaxing, few glasses of wine or cocktails either at the pub or at home. It’s not fair your weekends are being spoilt.

Husband has zero clue what it's like to be a female, young or not, having to get home in the dark alone. He's a man, in a man's world, and can travel at whatever time his little male heart pleases. Women don't get the same pleasure. He's a dick.

I just googled this as I was ready to be very embarrassed after my comment that your husband is thick. But, no, no it's not law. It's sometimes a company perk but that's their choice.

Due to the amount of young people SA on nights out and just living on campus uni has many measures to support safety. Pay later taxi's, escorts at night, 24 security patrols, 24 hour lighting, awareness campaigns for spiking drinks, consent, letting strangers into accomodations blocks etc. My son used to run these and now supports victims of these at university.

She's 17 and still their responsibility.

It's actually quite horrifying for me that a father with at least one daughter is not aware of this. He sounds awful.

It shouldn’t be the restaurants responsibility to get her home.

But I can understand why your DH doesn’t want to wait up and do lifts so late every Friday And Saturday night. I would hate that if I worked full time and they were my only nights to relax. Was this discussed when she got the job? It’s great that she is working of course, but she needs to be in a job that is safe for her to get to and from herself. Is she learning to drive? Is it close enough to take a taxi back at least one of the nights? Maybe if not she should look for another job that is safer for her to get too and from independently.

I used to cycle home after buses had finished , about 4 mile so not far really is that an option ?

I don't totally agree with this. I'd say males are just as likely, if not more likely, to be attacked at night. Physically as opposed to sexually. The amount of gangs that randomly attack young males for no reason is worrying. So I don't think this is a fair comment. I'd be just as worried about my 17yr old son as I would my daughter

This what I was going to say. There's no way I'd arrange my weekend evenings and not having a glass of wine, around a 17 yr old in a local job. By the time they're that age you're enjoying their independence and pleasing yourself more.
YABU.

This should have been something for her to think about before she agreed to the job. Is there a bus she can get home? If it depends on you collecting her every Friday and Saturday night at stupid o’clock, then it’s not a brilliant place for her to work.

This. I was happy to pick up my DD at 10pm once a week, but we discussed it before she applied for the job. But 1am twice a week? No, that's just not reasonable, and it wouldn't have got as fa as a discussion, because my DD wouldn't have dreamed of asking, so wouldn't have applied.

I mean yes, we nurture and guide our children into adulthood...but we don't actually work for them.

Anyone who enjoys a glass of wine or two is frowned upon on mumsnet, alcohol is baaaaaad - so husband won’t get much empathy.

It's great that she has a job, but presumably it's your jobs that pay the bills.

I like to be in bed by 10 or 11 and it would be absolute torture for me to stay up that late and I'm not sure how safe I'd be driving as so tired, and I'd not be signing up to driving my teen home at that time on a regular basis so they could earn extra spending money as it would quickly impact my ability to earn the money that pays the mortgage.

Now if the job involved me doing early morning drop offs I'd be ok.

Tbh I’d say it was your daughters responsibility to get herself home from work. She can text and say “hi im in a taxi or X is dropping me off” but I wouldn’t be going out late at night to pick her up.

I agree with this too and I am amazed the length that some parents go to to enable their teenagers to work part time minimum wage jobs. It's great she wants to work but there comes a time when she has to take responsibility for transport too. How far away is it? Could she cycle?

@Neverjustamum In spite of some posts here to the contrary, there is no legal requirement for employers to pay for a taxi or other transport to get your daughter home safely although some do

I agree with others here - pay for a taxi or uber home, if she isn't getting a lift from someone home and then no-one needs to go and pick her up. She is 17 and should be able to forward think and phone for one when she is ready to go home.

I understand where you are coming from, worrying about her being home, but I don't think your DH is being uncaring either. You just have different points of view about it. Things have changed a lot since my daughter was 17 and we were not living in a big city - but I did use to go to bed. Didn't sleep all that well until I heard her coming in - which I always did, and then I could sleep properly - but I wouldn't have actually sat up waiting for her at that age. Waiting up, on its own, isn't going to make a difference as to whether she gets home safely or not, I'm sorry to say. If she failed to come home at all, even the first reaction of the Police would be that she has probably stayed overnight with someone. They certainly are very unlikely to do anything at say 2 or 3 am in the morning

We never DO stop worrying about them. We still have texts when we get safely home from theirs, or they text us when they get home from ours, just to confirm we all got home safely - which considering all the other times they are out and about sounds crazy, but we still do it.

We have to start letting go, and trying not to stress overmuch. Easy to say, but less easy to do I have to say.

A lot of bars and clubs offer a taxi/lift home to their employees. In the days I used to work in a club, the boss used to give me a lift home. I’ve seen it offered as a perk in job adverts. They wouldn’t get any staff otherwise.

I think your dd should clarify with the manager so she knows in advance.

If she has to pay for the taxi herself out of her wages I wouldn’t have thought it would be worth her while working there. Taxis are extortionate in my city and I’m sure it’s the same across the country.

But surely the cost of getting yourself to and from work is something you take in to consideration before accepting a job?

These conversations should have been had before! Whether mum will pick her up, whether dad will, whether it's worth it for a taxi, whether one can walk home.

The op hasn't been back to answer this key question of what was agreed to before the job started.

Is the OP not allowed a glass of wine every other Friday night while her daughter's other parent takes a turn to step up?

It's a horrible fact that women are vulnerable when out alone late at night, especially when they are regularly repeating the same routine. If your husband can't see that OP I think you need to have a conversation with him about his male privilege.

I’d be very unimpressed if dh didn’t care about dd’s safety, and also unimpressed if he let me take responsibility every Friday night so he could drink. Says a lot about what he thinks of the women in his life.