Am I being unreasonable - Hubby not supporting staying up to wait for teenage daughter to get home late from work

[Neverjustamum]

Hello,

Can I please have opinions on this one.

Married with 2 children 20 and 17.

17 year old daughter has a job at a local restaurant. She works on a Fri and Sat night. She normally finishes work at around midnight but sometimes it can be 1am.

First of all hubby doesn't think that we should be responsible for picking her up and that work should really drop her home. They do frequently do this but I think it is our responsibility and don't like putting them out too much. I like to be able to ask them when we are going on a night out. So when she goes to work sometimes she calls about 11.45pm and says they're dropping her home and sometimes she asks to be picked up. It isn't consistent. So one of us really has to be on call for her.

We work full time and to be honest by Friday we do like to kick back with a glass of wine and chill. The problem is that as hubby doesn't think we should be picking her up I feel that I am not able to relax on a weekend at all. He quite happily switches off and enjoys a glass of wine and I do the waiting. Even if they are dropping her off I will always stay up and make sure she is home safe. But the late nights are wearing me out.

Hubby just switches off, has a drink and thinks they should bring her back, so it all falls on me. This is turning into a contentious issue between us. By Friday sometimes I'm shattered and I just need a brain break and to switch off and sometimes I just need to go to bed early. So I ask hubby to stay awake and make sure she gets in ok. He just falls asleep so I feel let down by him, I can't rely on him to make sure she's in safe. I feel he doesn't see her safety as a priority, or care that I am tired too and need to switch off. It would be lovely if I could just rely on him for one of the nights and that he understood where I'm coming from. I just want him to share this but he doesn't even think we should be picking her up and his Mum never waited up for him to come in. It is driving me demented!

Am I being unreasonable and overprotective of my daughter. I just can't sleep until I know she's in, but it would help me if I could rely on my hubby and he realised that it is important to make sure she has a lift and is safe and also that he cared, that I might be tired too and I need to be able to ask him for help and rely on him.

Thank you

I have daughters so I understand about the safety concerns but I would not agree to staying up late both weekend nights and planning my life around their jobs. One night at a push but even then it's a big commitment. It's great she has a job but it's not practical as she can't get home.

Times have changed but I got myself home from various late night jobs from age 16. I worked in restaurants and bars all through my late teens/early twenties and never got a lift from my parents. I had to get the bus or walk. It is just part of having that sort of job. There are safety concerns but if you take a late night job you have to accept that or find another job.

As a pp said we guide and teach our dc but we don't work for them. Plus as another pp said you resting is more important than her job as your job pays the bills.

I (I would say we but it was 90% me!) spent a long time driving to collect my dds from jobs that finished at midnight/1am, Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights.
Pain in the arse but it was important to us that they had good work ethics. No public transport options available to them at those times and they would occasionally get a taxi if we would both be drinking but their work would pay half as they had a long standing arrangement with Addison Lee (I think, someone like that anyway) contracted drivers.
We paid for them to have driving lessons asap and bought them both cars so that they could have their own independence. Best money spent.
It’s not their employers responsibility to get them home.

I absolutely would NOT be allowing my 17yo DD making her own way anywhere late at night. There are so many creeps out there. Hell NO!! If I had to pick her up every night until she could drive herself then that's what I'd be doing. Would I be delighted about it? No. But at least I knew she was safe.

DD is the same age and works for McDonald's. I always pick her up as there's no public transport. Although it's a pain, I do so because she's saving hard for when she goes to university, at least half of her wages go into an account for that. I don't trust taxi drivers (they're also few and far between and very expensive too) and unfortunately it isn't safe for her to walk. I think the fact I offered to collect her encouraged her to get the job in the first place. It's not an employer's responsibility to get her home and unfortunately it's not safe for teenage girls to be out alone.

Your dh is unreasonable.
It's unfathomable to me that he would drink and go to sleep not knowing if she can get home OK. I wouldn't be married to him if dh was like that.
We always collected ours if they needed it. Without question. And we took turns dh and I. Without question. And I I was particularly tired and asked him to do it instead he would. Without question.
They are all in their 20s now and all have good work ethics and manage to find their way around world airports and trains and taxis just fine. But they also manage to live with treating people with care and kindness. As they were taught.
I don't get this thing of oh they have to learn themselves. Mine did. And we collected them every time they needed it.
So you dh is a selfish prick if u ask me.

I'm also paying for driving lessons and her test (and licence) for her Birthday.

As a pp has said, @Neverjustamum - could she get a cab home, on the nights she doesn’t get a lift? You could offer to pay all/part of the cab fare, then you and dh could have the relaxing evening you want, whilst still knowing she will get home safely.

An adult man should wait up until all his children are safely at home. Something about a man who can get drunk/switch off/pass the responsibility of the safety of a young women speaks volumes to me.
I've lived with men not related to me and they all want to ensure we get home safe.

I feel your pain. My DD works at a restaurant too and has done for over a year. The 11pm collections were horrible. I get up at 5/6 for work/gym so it's really too late for me. Luckily my H shared it with me and she has recently passed her driving test so we don't have to go it anymore thankfully. I did get her a cab a couple of times when I was exhausted and I didn't stay awake waiting.

Anyway though, I don't think she should be working past 11pm

www.gov.uk/night-working-hours#:~:text=Staff%20aged%2016%20or%2017,sporting%2C%20artistic%20or%20advertising%20activities

I've been in this position for about 9 months til my daughter passed her driving test.

I used to pick her up 3 nights a week 10 miles away from home at 11pm. I didn't mind doing it as it was a definite finish time and would be home before 11.30. Not drinking doesn't bother me so I'd didn't struggle with that but did get quite tired but managed. DH didn't do any of it as he's more a morning person whereas I can manage to stay awake longer! We both worked full time with a young child too.

When she passed her test 3 months after turning 17 I was ecstatic- mainly because I don't have to drive her to or from work anymore!! And neither of us now stay up to check she's got in either. She's still 17 & getting her a car for her birthday was the best present all round.

I suggest your daughter prioritises learning to drive so she can soon get herself there & back with no input from you.

However, yabu to be annoyed at your DH. You not being to relax til she is home is on you, it doesn't make you a better parent & if you want to do it fine - but you can't make him if he's not bothered.

I'm in Scotland and my employer used to do this. So after shift everyone got a drink on the house and then a cab took us home. They'd plan the routes so it was effective ( group everyone together heading in the same direction) It may have just ben company policy but it wasn't unusual.

To me it’s just a phase of parenting, when they’re newborns they wake up for feeding. Tots have you up at the crack of dawn, 4 year olds wetting the bed, etc. Teenagers disrupt your sleep on the other side. When she earns minimum wage or is out of full time education I’d consider an alternative to lifts but till then I’d be happy doing the lifts. Especially if I can sleep in the next day. 😊

We are rural so no public transport at night. All the local pubs organise taxis for their workers to get home. The workers have to pay for them generally, but the booking etc is done by the pub. I thought this was standard practice? Either way, no way would I be staying up late and playing chauffeur for a 17 year old. Done enough of that when they were young.

Both my DD's (16 and 17) work- in a hotel /gastro pub respectively. Dd1 is in a country hotel about twenty mins away, dd2 in a pub in the town about 30 mins away. I am CONSTANTLY dropping them
And picking them up at ridiculous o clock. It absolutely does ruin weekends as I can't have a drink, or even relax much when I know I've to get one of the other of them at 11.30 at night. Today I dropped dd 1 at 7am, (so up at 6.15), dd2 at 11, I'll get dd1 at 3, and dd2 at 7. 40 min-1 hour round trips for each.
It actually costs me a fortune in petrol and means I can't do much else.
Im happy they have jobs and I wouldn't want them cabbing home late at night on a regular basis (they do some
Times when I have either gone out or am really knackered and don't want to be out at midnight). I feel your dh's pain but I don't think there is much alternative to it if you want your kids to work (and work is so good for them both obvs for the money but also in terms of developing life skills etc).
I don't get to sleep til they are in usually either.

The fair thing would be to take it in turns with dh-or else he should pay for the cab at least.

My dd worked at Domino’s and if she did a close she could finish anytime between 11-1 - and she always got a lift home from one of the managers or drivers. If it was earlier either I would pick her up, she would walk or a colleague would drop her off. But after 11pm the managers didn’t expect 17yr old workers to find their own way home.

Meant to say sometimes I go to bed, get an hour or so's sleep and just set my alarm to get them. Especially if it's a weeknight and I have work the day after.

Yeah this is what I thought. When I worked as a teen, the manager dropped us home or sometimes the chef would. Or we’d get a taxi and work would pay. You definitely shouldn’t be picking her up. She’s almost an adult.

My dd is older and I often pick her up at night. It is walking distance but if its very late or wet out I will get her. There isn't a bus and she doesn't earn enough for taxis. Your dd is under 18 so i think your dh is being unreasonable.

This has never been a law!

Honestly the stuff you read on here!

"He quite happily switches off and enjoys a glass of wine and I do the waiting. Even if they are dropping her off I will always stay up and make sure she is home safe."

It's important to acknowledge that your husband's perspective has merit.

As parents, it can be challenging to transition from nurturing a child to recognizing their growing independence. It's natural to worry, but it's also essential to allow the young adult to navigate life's experiences.

While you express concerns about your husband's role, it's worth considering if, at times, your caring nature may inadvertently add to the family's worries. Phrases like "I always stay up...I am worn out" may unintentionally create an atmosphere of undue stress.

In situations where your child might be running late or facing difficulties, it's essential to remember that sometimes, there's little we can do to change the outcome. Life is a learning experience.

It's evident that you have undiagnosed anxiety, and it's worth discussing with your husband how to address and manage these concerns together as a team.

That can only have been written by a bot. ^^^

If the restaurant is happy to drop her, let them. Others have said its normal in that industry so it feels like you are unnecessarily making a rod for your own back.

I'd also give some emergency money and the number of a decent taxi firm just in case. Then that just leaves staying up. Maybe do it for a couple of months, then if all goes smoothly try and relax and go to bed.

Evident she has undiagnosed anxiety?
What a load of bollox
Honestly the uncaring parents I see on here.
Almost an adult? So fucking what.
She's not an adult.
People wonder then why their kids move out and don't bother with them.

Just don't drink on Saturday night it's not really that difficult. You both seem to want to put alcohol before your dds safety.

I'd be picking her up IF she was having driving lessons.

I agree with this too. This sounds like the wrong job.