Am I being unreasonable - Hubby not supporting staying up to wait for teenage daughter to get home late from work

[Neverjustamum]

Hello,

Can I please have opinions on this one.

Married with 2 children 20 and 17.

17 year old daughter has a job at a local restaurant. She works on a Fri and Sat night. She normally finishes work at around midnight but sometimes it can be 1am.

First of all hubby doesn't think that we should be responsible for picking her up and that work should really drop her home. They do frequently do this but I think it is our responsibility and don't like putting them out too much. I like to be able to ask them when we are going on a night out. So when she goes to work sometimes she calls about 11.45pm and says they're dropping her home and sometimes she asks to be picked up. It isn't consistent. So one of us really has to be on call for her.

We work full time and to be honest by Friday we do like to kick back with a glass of wine and chill. The problem is that as hubby doesn't think we should be picking her up I feel that I am not able to relax on a weekend at all. He quite happily switches off and enjoys a glass of wine and I do the waiting. Even if they are dropping her off I will always stay up and make sure she is home safe. But the late nights are wearing me out.

Hubby just switches off, has a drink and thinks they should bring her back, so it all falls on me. This is turning into a contentious issue between us. By Friday sometimes I'm shattered and I just need a brain break and to switch off and sometimes I just need to go to bed early. So I ask hubby to stay awake and make sure she gets in ok. He just falls asleep so I feel let down by him, I can't rely on him to make sure she's in safe. I feel he doesn't see her safety as a priority, or care that I am tired too and need to switch off. It would be lovely if I could just rely on him for one of the nights and that he understood where I'm coming from. I just want him to share this but he doesn't even think we should be picking her up and his Mum never waited up for him to come in. It is driving me demented!

Am I being unreasonable and overprotective of my daughter. I just can't sleep until I know she's in, but it would help me if I could rely on my hubby and he realised that it is important to make sure she has a lift and is safe and also that he cared, that I might be tired too and I need to be able to ask him for help and rely on him.

Thank you

I'm not a martyr.
As expected, selfish parents call the ones who aren't, martyrs.
And yes actually it is part of your job to make sure they get home safely.
But having seen 100s of teens go through this house, it's v easy to spot the ones who have parents who want them to be 'independent'.

Independent is such a bs cover for I'm so done I can't be arsed

@Doteycat

surely it is important for teens to be developing independence and life skills though??

I think it all depends on whether you agreed to pick up your daughter from work late at night and whether your DH also agreed before she accepted the job. Whoever agreed to it should honour that agreement and collect her.

If she got the job and THEN asked you and your DH to sort out her transport, then it's up to you if you want to collect her/wait up IMO. Same for him. If not, she has to get a different job.

I agree with PPs that it's good to instill a work ethic, but a crucial part of that (and being prepared for adult life) is planning how you're going to get to and from work and only applying for jobs you can actually manage to arrange transport for yourself. It's not just the turning up and doing your shift that matters- if she's not able to arrange transport herself, the job is unsuitable.

I disagree. Of course, if a DC finds themselves completely stuck for transport or in a risky situation, it's absolutely their parents' jobs to get them home safely. But I also think it's very good for everyone to be considerate of each other's time/sleep. So for something completely foreseeable, like getting to and from work where you know the hours in advance, I think it's a good lesson for teenagers to understand that if they can't get drive and they don't have a safe alternative, the considerate thing to do is to get a job that doesn't require their parents to collect them very late.

My parents would 100% have dropped everything to help me and keep me safe if I was in a fix. What they wouldn't have done is agree to sacrifice their weekend evenings on an ongoing basis because I accepted a job with those hours and couldn't drive- they'd expect me to find an alternative that worked with what I could manage independently.

If not almost an adult, what is she?

I am the same, can't relax until I know my son is safe. We have a lot of young people where I work and if there shift goes past 9pm then our company arranges management to give lifts home. Perhaps it would help if your daughter could let you know more in advance if a lift is arranged and if not precook a taxi?

I was a very independent child. My parents instilled that in me from a young age.

it was awful.

As a consequence I will do all the things they never did for me, for my DC; make them breakfast before I go to work; do their laundry; drive them to their PT jobs; pick them up from parties at 4am.

I now have fully functional adults who could make themselves dinner at 10; navigate an airport at 14; manage a week away at 17. But they never had to and as a consequence we have fabulous relationships.

I speak to my parents twice a year.

Is that the indignant whining of a self-appointed expert I hear?

@pictoosh if you’re calling me an indignant whiner for referencing my abusive childhood you can go fuck yourself

I think you are being unreasonable, yes.
At 17, and old enough to be working at a restaurant until late, then she is old enough to get a taxi.
She is incredibly lucky that someone from work is able to give her a lift sometimes, but part of learning to be an adult and working late, is learning that you have to factor in how you get to and from work.
Yes, it is gutting to pay out for a taxi, but you factor that in to whether it is worth doing the job or not. She is lucky that she gets so many lifts, and that you are willing to go out occasionally, as well as the restaurant also giving her lifts sometimes.

@PegasusReturns I wasn't referring to you, no. Apologies that you thought I was. It was to Doteycat.

It is not the employers responsibility, and you have no right policing him (same in reverse)

I wouldn't be up for staying up until 1am two days a week - I do think actually your daughter needed to negotiate that with you guys when she got her job tbh.

How far away is the job? I can understand you not wanting her to walk, but would cycling or similar work? She could either text you when she got home, or if you really worry ring you before she leaves and you could go back to sleep when she gets home?

Otherwise, unless you're prepared to pay for a taxi (which I don't think is a parenting requirement here!), I think I'd conclude that it wasn't a suitable job and she needed to get one that was in the day/fitted with public transport/only required you to pick her up occasionally/whatever compromise you could live with for a couple of years.

Im really surprised with the restaurant taking her home, very kind of them or one of her colleagues to do that but it’s not their responsibility.

I find it odd that your dh thinks it is their responsibility, would he expect to be picked up and dropped off home for his work?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, I would also like to make sure she gets home okay. I would start arranging taxis for her, book it in advance and make sure it will be there and waiting for her to finish. This way you can have some nights to relax.
Couldnyour dd start some driving lessons? I know it will take a while but might then give her a little more freedom too

Then I apologise for telling you to go fuck yourself

Was there never a conversation where your daughter said, ‘mum/dad I’ve been offered a job in a restaurant! It is in X town and finishes at 12/1am twice a week.’

You/DH: ‘oh right, that’s great, but I think we need to discuss how you’ll be getting home at night before you accept it!’

@Neverjustamum ?

I would be ensuring she has a safe route home whether that is myself or taxi or another means. I wouldn't pick her up every week but some weeks.
I would avoid getting travel organised by the place of her work. I was horribly harassed by one pub owner keeping me late trying to get me to have a drink with him so I couldn't drive home. Telling me to leave my boyfriend and become his mistress. I only stayed for 2-3 months as soon as I could find another job. My friend have had similarly sleeze-y bosses in hospitality. Overall we have had many more positive experiences and I have relatives in the industry but it's not something I would risk with vulnerable people at times of night that make you more vulnerable

There’s no way with my own full time job that I’d be giving up every Friday and Saturday to support my teens job. Either he is safe enough to get an Uber, a taxi or a nightbus or it’s not safe enough and therefore the job is not appropriate.
however I say this based on our context where we live in a small city and deliberately live on public transport routes. If I’d brought my family up in a house only accessible by car I guess I’d have to give more lifts and pay fir driving lessons and a first car but I’d still not support a job that kept me up that late.

Wow this thread may have put me off mumsnet for good. What a bunch of a toxic bile and over reactions.

This thread is weird. I started a similar one a few months ago because I was exhausted having to wait up to go and get dd from work at half eleven three nights a week (an hours round trip), at least one of the nights being a work next day night for me. I got castigated for saying I was struggling with it and not being supportive enough of her.

Reading some of these comments are weird. Just because a parent can drive doesn’t mean they HAVE to do anything. My parents didn’t even drive and guess what I got by just fine actually just getting a job that didn’t finish that late 🤷‍♀️I didn’t feel neglected and unsupported because I didn’t get a lift. My brother drove I would never have expected him to drive me. I would tell her to budget in her wage for a taxi. I had to for bus fare. Didn’t do me any harm.

It is bizarre that your husband thinks ot is her employer's responsibility to see her home. I have never had that from any workplace. I used to work in a restaurant at that age and got picked up by my dad or got a taxi.

He should be sharing the responsibility with you.

You’re right she is 17, not 7. A child of 7 can miss an entire year of school and catch up, but a 17yr old falling behind on A levels because they are working until 1am every night that isn’t a school night may mean loss of a good uni place, or no uni place.

It's not work's responsibility to drop her home but I'm guessing someone from there passes through?

If that's the case I'd get her to check at the start of her shift if she's getting a lift, then you can switch off.

Regarding the husband, yes he's being a dick.

What are you talking about ?

Many (most?) teens will be up late and then lie in, on weekend mornings - very, very normal pattern of sleep for teens and those in their 20s (and some people all their lives). What on earth has this got to do with offering lifts or not ?