Am I being unreasonable - Hubby not supporting staying up to wait for teenage daughter to get home late from work

[Neverjustamum]

Hello,

Can I please have opinions on this one.

Married with 2 children 20 and 17.

17 year old daughter has a job at a local restaurant. She works on a Fri and Sat night. She normally finishes work at around midnight but sometimes it can be 1am.

First of all hubby doesn't think that we should be responsible for picking her up and that work should really drop her home. They do frequently do this but I think it is our responsibility and don't like putting them out too much. I like to be able to ask them when we are going on a night out. So when she goes to work sometimes she calls about 11.45pm and says they're dropping her home and sometimes she asks to be picked up. It isn't consistent. So one of us really has to be on call for her.

We work full time and to be honest by Friday we do like to kick back with a glass of wine and chill. The problem is that as hubby doesn't think we should be picking her up I feel that I am not able to relax on a weekend at all. He quite happily switches off and enjoys a glass of wine and I do the waiting. Even if they are dropping her off I will always stay up and make sure she is home safe. But the late nights are wearing me out.

Hubby just switches off, has a drink and thinks they should bring her back, so it all falls on me. This is turning into a contentious issue between us. By Friday sometimes I'm shattered and I just need a brain break and to switch off and sometimes I just need to go to bed early. So I ask hubby to stay awake and make sure she gets in ok. He just falls asleep so I feel let down by him, I can't rely on him to make sure she's in safe. I feel he doesn't see her safety as a priority, or care that I am tired too and need to switch off. It would be lovely if I could just rely on him for one of the nights and that he understood where I'm coming from. I just want him to share this but he doesn't even think we should be picking her up and his Mum never waited up for him to come in. It is driving me demented!

Am I being unreasonable and overprotective of my daughter. I just can't sleep until I know she's in, but it would help me if I could rely on my hubby and he realised that it is important to make sure she has a lift and is safe and also that he cared, that I might be tired too and I need to be able to ask him for help and rely on him.

Thank you

Hahaha point proved.
Selfish.
Imagine thinking being kind made you a doormat. Issues much?

@NotSuchASmugMarried

I know right?!

sounds like they have a drink problem eh?

not. Honestly people are so funny about alcohol on mumsnet

My parents still wait up for me if I’m travelling back late from something. I’m 29, married and have my own children.

At 17, my dad would have come to get me from work every time without fail. I know my DH or I would do the same for our children when they’re that age.

@Doteycat

it’s not though

@Doteycat

how about the daughter be kind and gets a job which doesn’t inconvenience her parents so much?

I feel quite differently to most. I didn't mind picking ds1 up from a party occasionally, but every Friday and Saturday night is too much, so I'm with your Dh on this one. She should have considered this all carefully and discussed with you, that she would rely on you both nights, prior to taking the job.

Also unlike the rest of mn, maybe because I've got 2 very capable, confident boys, I've never stayed up, never worried about them getting in late. I'm often in bed by 9pm or 10pm.

Presumably she doesn't drive. Is she learning? Ds1 passed his test soon after 17th birthday so that freed him up.

See here's the thing.
It is.
You can rant and jump up and down all you want.
It is.
And all you do when you shout that it isn't, is show yourself to be what you are.
So keep going. Its quite funny.

Well-known murder round my way where a teenager was murdered by a taxi driver. No way would I let any of my children get in a taxi by themselves late at night.

@Doteycat
I advise you to sit down before you read on because this is going to shake you.
Your way is not the only way, muggins.
Some of us have independent children and other interests.

Like wine. Ha ha.
Selfish.

@Doteycat

its not a compulsory part of being a parent though!

that’s a fact.

you can choose to be a martyr or you can choose not to be. Plenty of people choose not to be. And guess what? It doesn’t make them any less of a good parent than you!

Is there no public transport? Why is it on everyone else to get her home?

At 17 I was getting myself to and from school, work, nights out, trips into London, or anywhere else we wanted to go, by myself.

I'm baffled work are dropping her off at all. I don't think that happens in many places but I did work somewhere once that paid for taxis if it was very late.

Is there a reason she can't get a taxi home? I'm not one to drink much but I wouldn't want to pick someone up after midnight when I was relaxed after a busy week at work. My husband though, he'd happily do it.

She has a job beyond her years and maturity.

She needs to find a job that is appropriate for a 17 year old who can't get herself to and from work and needs her parents to be home to get her bed.

A job that ends by 9:00 or a weekend job seems like a much better fit. She is in the wrong job for her age and independence level.

"I wouldn't be married to him if dh was like that."

I just don't see it that way. At all.

If YOU want to pick her up, then YOU should do it.

It sounds like you want her picking up but don’t want to do it and you want your DH to do it instead, which isn’t fair.

He’s made his decision and won’t be doing it.

So now you need to make your own decision and either do it (and not moan to DH about it) or don’t do it and get her to get a taxi home or a different job.

Not everyone worries constantly about their children. Not every woman is frightened of walking home in the dark. I'm not. Never have been, from coming home from pub shift aged 17, to walking home now the 1/4 of a mile from town restaurant to our house.

I think the crucial detail is how much this was discussed before she got the job.

Did she get the job first, and then tell her parents she'd need picking up at midnight with virtually no notice on some but not all Friday and Saturday nights? If so, that's very unreasonable.

Did she discuss the job and her dad said he was happy to help pick her up and now he's changed his mind. If so, he's unreasonable.

If she discussed it and he said something along the lines of "no, I don't think you should apply for a job you can't get home from, and I'm not willing to wait every Friday and Saturday night for a call at 11:45 to see if I'm needed" then I don't think that's unreasonable of him.

It might be something you choose to do, but it’s not part of most people’s lives and it certainly isn’t something that parents must commit to.

All the teenagers I know (or their parents) have jobs they can either get themselves to/from. The ones who have jobs in remote places or finish late at night didn’t start those jobs until they could drive.

I have been there with my DD and DS. I was taxi service for many years. If I was to sit and drink wine knowing they were walking home etc then I wouldn't enjoy the wine, so it's a no brainer.

I think the issue here is not her job (sometimes you have to compromise days/times) it's the attitude of your DH. I certainly wasn't elated about picking up either of my DC however, I did it, and that's the thing, your 'D' H may not be elated either but he's going one stop further and refusing to support you THAT is what I'd take issue with.

I can get you being frustrated he won't join you in your collecting her, but being annoyed because he won't stay up for her when you won't either? By Friday sometimes I'm shattered and I just need a brain break and to switch off and sometimes I just need to go to bed early. So I ask hubby to stay awake and make sure she gets in ok. He just falls asleep so I feel let down by him, I can't rely on him to make sure she's in safe. I feel he doesn't see her safety as a priority. could the same not be then said about you? You're letting people down by falling asleep?

@Doteycat yes I agree. Including my dh who goes on about independence when what he means is he can't be arsed putting himself out for his kids. Just like OPs husband.

@Doteycat
@Nokoolaidherethanks

lol you do realise Op is falling asleep right? She expects her husband to stay up and stay awake waiting for daughter but she doesn’t! Is that not hypocritical??

I wouldn’t allow my DC to work a part time job that had such a late shift as I’d be worried too and can’t be up half the night making sure they got home. Their education is far too important. If you are worried about her safety at midnight/1am, then why are you even allowing this job?

She 17 not 7! OP I would say pick up two weekends a month and pay for an Uber the other two weekends so she isn't out of pocket and still works. Is she driving yet?