I can’t cope with daughters behaviour anymore

[Cantdothisforeverr]

I really need help or advice with my daughter as I don’t know what to do anymore and can’t find anyone else in this situation.

My oldest is autistic but not only that she has extremely challenging behaviour and is quite frankly out of control, I can’t take her anywhere as she just kicks off all the time over everything. She is big and strong (she’s a teen) her behaviour is just terrible. Yesterday we had to get off the bus early and walk as she wouldn’t stop going up to people and trying to take their phones. I was of course trying to stop her but she’s getting stronger now and I can’t manage her on my own. I’m a lone parent and her father doesn’t see her. I also have no family help. I feel like a prisoner as I can’t take my other children anywhere as she is too badly behaved. This Means my other kids have to constantly miss out on things and I can’t just live a normal life. Can’t even take her to the park as she will constantly approach people and try to go off with them. I’ve told her time and time again to stop approaching people but she won’t listen. I don’t know what else to do she just ignores me. I can’t watch her at all times as I have 3 younger children that need supervision. Yesterday when people were getting off the bus she was trying to grab everyone getting off and stop them getting off. I can’t go anywhere and it’s making me miserable as I can’t take my other kids out and I have no one to leave her with and I can’t leave her home alone either despite being a teen, so I will forever be trapped or have to take her places whilst she kicks off? People talk about her wherever we go and laugh at her and call her names I’m sick of being looked at and talked about. Honestly begging for advice or what I can do? She is completely out of control. My other kids are suffering and are embarrassed by her behavior. I wish I wasn’t alone with her because at least then I would have the option to leave her home with someone but there is no one.

Talk to Social Services. It sounds like you could do with some respite help. Is she in mainstream education?

Ah should have added don’t want to involve ss and them saying I can’t cope with my children. I basically just want her to stop approaching people.

I was going to suggest SS too. They don’t just take children away - there’s a very high bar for that, but they can offer support to families who are struggling.
If you really don’t want to go down that route are there any autism/SEN groups in your area?

Social Services won't do that. The system is poorly funded and staff are overwhelmed but they are still there to try and help families and keep them together.

What are your long term plans for her? Is it likely that she will be able to live independently? How will you cope when she is no longer in education?

This sounds very difficult and you need more support!!

She isn’t in education she doesn’t go to school they couldn’t cope with her. I think social services on my back would make me feel more stressed out if I’m honest.

You can’t stop her from being who she is, but you can try to teach her some social skills. There might be a social story out there that explains not approaching strangers. You can also get templates to make your own social story.

Does she have a learning disability too? Does she attend a SEN school? I’d like to think school can signpost you to some help, especially since she’s a teen and will need support going into adulthood and beyond.

Your story sounds familiar so I’m wondering if you’re the poster who took her child out of mainstream school (because it wasn’t appropriate) and has her at home 24/7 with no help or respite?

I understand that but you have to admit that you need some kind of professional help, otherwise things are just going to get worse and that’s not fair on you or your other children. Have you spoken to the GP?

If DD can’t attend school you don’t have to EHE. Tell the LA you are no longer EHEing and they need to make arrangements to ensure DD receives a suitable, full-time education. Does DD have an EHCP? If so, you need to request an early review. If not, you need to apply.

Social care can provide respite and additional support.

Can you drive/take a taxi rather than use public transport? Some DC find it too overwhelming.

Have you spoken to your local young carers service?

What about a specialist boarding school? There are some excellent facilities. I think it’s time that you asked for help.

I don’t drive. I don’t have money for boarding school I’m a lone parent and ex doesn’t contribute finically

Kindly, you can't cope - you have just posted a thread saying that.

No one could cope with the issues you describe.

Your DD needs appropriate support, this would help you to cope.

Residential placements can be funded via the EHCP.

If you can’t drive can you use taxis?

Yes it will be funded if it’s found to be appropriate.

Residential schooling or SS involvement.

You keep posting about this I assume hoping for a new magical answer but there is none, I'm very sorry but there just isn't anything else you can do.

You need to accept this and make a move towards a decision or she will get hurt or hurt someone else and then the choices will be put of your hands and much more traumatic for yourself and your DD.

Well I’m not having ss taking them away so never mine forget I posted

I have a child with severe learning disabilities and we have social services involved. They’re not all monsters wanting to take your children away. I have a social worker that comes to my home and does an assessment on my child’s needs and we were awarded her basic level of respite (she said if she was being honest I’m probably entitled to more but they don’t have the staff to be able to offer anymore hours) which is 3 hours a week term time and 6 hours a week during the holidays. We have a lovely carer that takes my child out during those times and I tend to use this time to do things with my other children that couldn’t be done if I had them with me. It works for everyone.

I’d also recommend getting in touch with your local paediatric service, to discuss a medication. After much heartache and stress, we decided to do the same with my child and we are now in the process of starting on a low dose of a mood stabiliser to help with their outbursts. My child is 9 but a big 9 and so strong.

Also if your child isn’t in education then her social skills will be less than they could be. If her previous school couldn’t manage her behaviour, you’re in a good position to argue with the local authority that a specialist provision needs to be provided.

In the kindest way possible - there are so many services out there designed to help your child but if you don’t ask for the help you won’t get it. Social services have been fab with me, wrote a report singing my praises about how loved and well taken care of all of my children are and I have been offered a range of services to help support us as a family. The problem won’t go away on its own - ask for support and you will get it.

It’s likely to only get worse otherwise and then you’ll have police/social services/local authority at your doors and they’ll be asking why you haven’t done anything?

I’m really not meaning to scare you but you are much better off to ask for help sooner rather than later. Good luck xx

As has been explained to you previously, Children’s Services are not going to remove your DC.

I’m not being unkind by you say in your opening post that you want advice but every suggestion people have made you have brushed off. I’m not sure what you want people to say. Unfortunately we don’t have a magic wand.
One last try - do your younger children go to school? You could try speaking to the SEN or Safeguarding team for advice.

But it’s unlikely she will understand this. My son does the same but f**k what anyone thinks, I’m never embarrassed of him. If the other children need time with you, then you will need respite. We have ss involvement add they think I’m a great parent and have offered a care package to allow me time with my other 2 children a few hours each weekend, they were so helpful

Ok does your child attack people in the street? Nope probably not, yes that’s extremely embarrassing! I’m mortified when this has happened.

OP is there something you are not disclosing which is making you frightened of seeking help?

I’ve had previous experiences with them (not due to my situation) and there were anything but supportive and very judgmental hence not going down that route again I’ve had direct experience with them and it wasn’t pleasant.

OP, your situation sounds awful and I am deeply sympathetic. However, you are making a big mistake in refusing help. If she can't cope in Mainstream school, have you fought to get her an EHCP then to get her a place in a special school? I KNOW it's a painful and tortuous process, but it's better than just leaving her to flounder. You need to contact the LA and see what is needed to get this process rolling.

Similarly, you are struggling so you need support and SS is there for that. Unless there's some back story, I can't imagine they'd want to take her away. What they want is to make sure that you are all (including your other children), safe and cared for. If you don't call them, you run the risk that at some point someone else will because your other children are suffering.

It's scary and hard and I don't blame you for not wanting to do it, but you have to do what's best for your children. And accessing this help is what is best for them. All of them.

Is there a reason why you think SS will take your children away?

Because things have to be really drastic for that to happen.

I understand you're at the end of your tether. You need to try asking for help, otherwise nothing will change.