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Original poster

I can’t cope with daughters behaviour anymore

140 replies

Cantdothisforeverr · 27/10/2023 12:45

I really need help or advice with my daughter as I don’t know what to do anymore and can’t find anyone else in this situation.

My oldest is autistic but not only that she has extremely challenging behaviour and is quite frankly out of control, I can’t take her anywhere as she just kicks off all the time over everything. She is big and strong (she’s a teen) her behaviour is just terrible. Yesterday we had to get off the bus early and walk as she wouldn’t stop going up to people and trying to take their phones. I was of course trying to stop her but she’s getting stronger now and I can’t manage her on my own. I’m a lone parent and her father doesn’t see her. I also have no family help. I feel like a prisoner as I can’t take my other children anywhere as she is too badly behaved. This Means my other kids have to constantly miss out on things and I can’t just live a normal life. Can’t even take her to the park as she will constantly approach people and try to go off with them. I’ve told her time and time again to stop approaching people but she won’t listen. I don’t know what else to do she just ignores me. I can’t watch her at all times as I have 3 younger children that need supervision. Yesterday when people were getting off the bus she was trying to grab everyone getting off and stop them getting off. I can’t go anywhere and it’s making me miserable as I can’t take my other kids out and I have no one to leave her with and I can’t leave her home alone either despite being a teen, so I will forever be trapped or have to take her places whilst she kicks off? People talk about her wherever we go and laugh at her and call her names I’m sick of being looked at and talked about. Honestly begging for advice or what I can do? She is completely out of control. My other kids are suffering and are embarrassed by her behavior. I wish I wasn’t alone with her because at least then I would have the option to leave her home with someone but there is no one.

OP posts:
Prinnny · 27/10/2023 17:26

Well let’s hope she doesn’t approach the wrong person and end up getting a punch in the face whilst you refuse to seek out any help for her.

Your poor younger kids, I hope one of them discloses something at school and the school involve social services.

Nonono11 · 27/10/2023 17:27

I promise you SS will not take your children away if you say you cannot cope, I don’t think most people would manage to cope alone with a teen with support needs as well as other children to care for. SS are there for so much more than what is portrayed in the media. They can signpost to help and support. My eldest has adhd and is fairy difficult, we had a really rough patch over summer where SS were involved, they couldn’t have been more supportive and helpful. There will be other families in similar situations, so they may be able to advise on support groups you can attend.
Respite seems what you need in an ideal world but it’s really impossible to get any long term respite at the moment, it’s so stretched. In my area there is a home help service which is volunteer ran, they can come to your home for a couple of hours and provide practical help, looking after the kids if you need to get some shopping/errands, help with cleaning or trips out. I’m sure there will be something in your area similar, again SS can signpost.
good luck x

Fingeronthebutton · 27/10/2023 17:27

Cantdothisforeverr · 27/10/2023 15:19

She isn’t in education she doesn’t go to school they couldn’t cope with her. I think social services on my back would make me feel more stressed out if I’m honest.

I’m surprised the school didn’t step in at this time.
I really do understand why you wouldn’t want to hear this, but: your dear child needs to be in a residential home.
we have a family member who was in one such place for many years.
It probably sounds cruel to you at this time, but you, and your other children are suffering much more than your daughter.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
loseweightpleasegod · 27/10/2023 17:27

How do you see this ending up for your daughter if you don’t get help and involve outside services?

She needs help and it’s your job as a her mother to get it for her and not be afraid of any imagined scenario you think SS will enforce on you.

I am sorry it sounds like you are a loving parent it’s just your anxiety is stopping your daughter from getting the help she needs.

DriftingDora · 27/10/2023 17:28

EmptyYoghurtPot · 27/10/2023 15:23

I understand that but you have to admit that you need some kind of professional help, otherwise things are just going to get worse and that’s not fair on you or your other children. Have you spoken to the GP?

Show quote history

This. It's awful for you, OP, but nobody on this site can make your daughter stop what she's doing - going up to people, trying to take their phones, etc. That's just not possible, we aren't on the spot when it happens and you have to realise that you need outside help.

Being at home all the time will not help her, either. She needs to interact with others. Perhaps talk to your GP first, as suggested, or contact the Autism Society if she's been formally diagnosed. You must get some help, it's not fair to you or to your other children to carry on like this: I can understand your reluctance to go to Social Services, but you need to care for your own mental and physical health, too, that's the bottom line.

clareykb · 27/10/2023 17:30

I'm a Children with Disabilities Social Worker- We have lots of young people come in to our service when they are teens and their behaviour is harder for parents to manage. I'd definately get in touch with your Council and ask for a needs assesssment. Where I work, we are a seperate team to the other social workers so whilst we do still do Child Protection work when we need to, we are specialists in disabilities. Most of our work is supporting famillies and organise outreach care and short breaks and making sure people get all of the funding benefits they are entitled too and sign posting for further support. I'm sorry you had a bad experience last time but things might be very different this time so might be worth a try.

manchestermom5 · 27/10/2023 17:31

I am sorry you have to go through this. You need to get Social services involved. The situation you describe cannot be coped alone for a long period. You will very soon burn out. SS will NOT remove your children without a valid reason. Unless you have a back story. These areas are underfunded, the staffs are overwhelmed with the workload. If your daughter is not in mainstream school why have you not made other arrangements? And try to get the father of your daughter involved, he can't just run away from his responsibilities.

adriftinadenofvipers · 27/10/2023 17:32

Cantdothisforeverr · 27/10/2023 16:05

Not posting again. I will not be contacting ss under any circumstances.

That's very sad that you are wilfully neglecting the needs of your children.

Unfortunately it will become more difficult when they inevitably become involved here, as it would be much better if you were to seek the help you are clearly crying out for.

There's no need to be so stroppy with posters though. People are trying to help you. There's been some good advice. Even if you refuse to post again, think over what you have been told.

GemmaS21 · 27/10/2023 17:35

Contact autism and adhd dot org - they’ll be able to help and understand

DeadbeatYoda · 27/10/2023 17:35

I'm sorry, OP, but you are doing your other children a massive disservice by refusing to seek the help you need for your daughter. How much worse does this need to get before you climb down off your high horse and get help?

Cadburysucks · 27/10/2023 17:36

What if she knocks someone onto the road in traffic and that person is killed? We had this with my severely autistic daughter who developed severe mental disorder. She would suddenly without warning pull other people’s hair/push them, she even slapped a very young baby. She had to be sectioned and went to a children’s hospital for a year, then a care home and is now at a supported living house near us. She was under cams, who helped her.

DriftingDora · 27/10/2023 17:37

OP, isn't it better to get some help rather than let matters reach crisis point? Sooner or later someone your daughter approaches will get hurt trying to get away from her, will hurt your daughter and/or will go to the police. You need to face facts and do something now - you cannot get her to stop approaching people, neither can anyone on here. What if the situation gets worse?.

Pugdays · 27/10/2023 17:39

I've 4 DC ,2 have diagnosis of autism , eldest is 25 with Autism and learning disabilities..he has a social worker,.we had a care package through the social worker of 9 hours a week ,that was supposed to mean 9 hours of help ..
That didn't work for us , because I couldn't cope with different men in the home each visit .and a lot of other issues,I did have the option to try a different agency,but it put me off having so many different men in the home .
But it might work for you ,
I assume you have an ehcp and she is at special school
I can't imagine mainstream managing her

Flickersy · 27/10/2023 17:43

I don't mean to be harsh OP but you need to get a handle on this now. She's already too strong for you to handle and as she matures she's only going to get stronger. She, your other children, you, and the public are at risk.

It is absolutely the correct path to contact social services and see if you can get her a disability worker who can help and provide you with much-needed respite.

The alternative is that one day she grabs or tries to take the phone off the wrong person and gets lamped for it. Or she attacks someone and ends up in a police cell.

I promise you, social services is the better option. They will not take your children off you - contrary to popular belief it's a last resort. Apart from anything else, it costs too much money.

Pugdays · 27/10/2023 17:45

You need to visit specialist schools near you ,or IP to an hour away,and find one that suits your daughter.
Then contact LEA and ask them to consult with the school ,then it goes to panel ,they will say ,no ...then you go to tribunal,and get your place at the school u want ..it takes time and effort to do ,but it will be for the best for her
I can't imagine home education is going well ,how will she sit her exams ,they are very expensive.

Strictlymad · 27/10/2023 17:46

Echoing others, try to put your fears and thoughts aside and access help, it’s in the best interests of all your children, I had a parent who refused to access help, for their own MH. It very directly and negatively affected me as a child and not our relationship is almost non existent, she put her own pride above her childrens needs.

Meeting · 27/10/2023 17:46

You don't want help. Therefore no-one can help you.

Pumpkinpie1 · 27/10/2023 17:50

OP stamping your feet because you aren’t getting the answer you want isn’t helping your daughter. If she doesn’t get support she could get into trouble with the police. Snatching phones could easily escalate to theft of robbery or assault
As a family you aren’t coping. Your daughter isn’t getting an education which is her right. If Majnstream can’t cope then the Local Authority has legal obligations to help her ie a different placement, home school teacher etc. It doesn’t sound like you are educating her , just allowing her to stay home where her issues are intensifying.
Why are you so against seeking help? Is it because of pride or past bad experiences

AgnesX · 27/10/2023 17:52

You want help and advice but you don't like what's being suggested. You don't seem to understand that your options are limited in terms of what's available.

And as so many have said already Ss aren't there to take your child away from you. Stop panicking, take a deep breath and re-read. Please.

Winter42 · 27/10/2023 17:54

Could you look at different mainstream.schools? Some are better than others with children with SEND. The school I work at, for example, has recently developed it's own unit within the school for children who weren't coping in mainstream as we weren't happy with the provision those children were offered elsewhere.

Some children will stay in that unit permanently, others do intensive placements in there with the aim of reintegration into the school.

In there they work in very small groups and have lots of facilities such as areas to regulate themselves and let of steam etc. It seems to be working well.

We also have separate nurture classes for KS3, some students stay in nurture for all their lessons, some do a mix.

Antst · 27/10/2023 17:59

You're being cruel and neglectful to all of your children. This situation is not fair on any of your children. You need to involve social services. They're so underfunded that it's unlikely you'll get much help, so not only should you contact them, you should be hollering and kicking to get help.

You are being selfish by refusing to get help. Life could be better for everyone in your family but you're refusing to take action.

Conkersinautumn · 27/10/2023 18:00

The support will need to come from somewhere. Do you want to phone someone about support dor your child and show you are a parent capable of getting what your child needs or do you want things triggered because your child has been harmed as a result of their behaviour in the street? You say she attracts negative behaviour how long until she is targeted by someone with their own issues? You need to be responsible, that includes asking for help.

Alittlewordinyourear · 27/10/2023 18:08

Have you thought about going to your GP? It’s quite clear you need some help. It’s too much for one person to cope with and look after your other children. Maybe they could tell you of any local support groups,even mediation for you and your daughter and possibly respite

BlueEyedPeanut · 27/10/2023 18:31

Children's disability services are different from child protection services. Their purpose is to (try to) provide help to children with disabilities and their families. You're doing your daughter a disservice by not having support in place for her. Say you end up in hospital or one of your other children ends up in hospital, you will need somewhere for your eldest to go to while you deal with that. I.e. respite. Respite is kinder when it's done gradually rather than as an emergency. Putting your head in the sand is a huge and foolish risk when it's only you.

ThereIbledit · 27/10/2023 19:09

I understand that you aren't posting, but I hope that you are still reading.

I understand that you won't contact SS.

My advice is that it seems a fairly universal experience that you will need to persevere and fight, fight fight for what your disabled child needs. It's horrific and you shouldn't have to, but that seems to be a universal reality for almost everybody.

If not SS then have a google - there are bound to be several charities for people with autism, get in contact with them to see what help they can give you.