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Original poster

I can’t cope with daughters behaviour anymore

140 replies

Cantdothisforeverr · 27/10/2023 12:45

I really need help or advice with my daughter as I don’t know what to do anymore and can’t find anyone else in this situation.

My oldest is autistic but not only that she has extremely challenging behaviour and is quite frankly out of control, I can’t take her anywhere as she just kicks off all the time over everything. She is big and strong (she’s a teen) her behaviour is just terrible. Yesterday we had to get off the bus early and walk as she wouldn’t stop going up to people and trying to take their phones. I was of course trying to stop her but she’s getting stronger now and I can’t manage her on my own. I’m a lone parent and her father doesn’t see her. I also have no family help. I feel like a prisoner as I can’t take my other children anywhere as she is too badly behaved. This Means my other kids have to constantly miss out on things and I can’t just live a normal life. Can’t even take her to the park as she will constantly approach people and try to go off with them. I’ve told her time and time again to stop approaching people but she won’t listen. I don’t know what else to do she just ignores me. I can’t watch her at all times as I have 3 younger children that need supervision. Yesterday when people were getting off the bus she was trying to grab everyone getting off and stop them getting off. I can’t go anywhere and it’s making me miserable as I can’t take my other kids out and I have no one to leave her with and I can’t leave her home alone either despite being a teen, so I will forever be trapped or have to take her places whilst she kicks off? People talk about her wherever we go and laugh at her and call her names I’m sick of being looked at and talked about. Honestly begging for advice or what I can do? She is completely out of control. My other kids are suffering and are embarrassed by her behavior. I wish I wasn’t alone with her because at least then I would have the option to leave her home with someone but there is no one.

OP posts:
Sidebeforeself · 27/10/2023 15:47

“I basically just want her to stop”…but she wont will she? You’ve tried everything , she cant help herself, so now is the time to ask for more help and support.

TheShellBeach · 27/10/2023 15:48

Cantdothisforeverr · 27/10/2023 15:46

I’ve had previous experiences with them (not due to my situation) and there were anything but supportive and very judgmental hence not going down that route again I’ve had direct experience with them and it wasn’t pleasant.

Was that a long time ago?
You're unlikely to get the same SW again.

KevinDeBrioche · 27/10/2023 15:50

Kindly, OP, what are you expecting from this thread? Do you want people to give their sympathy or come up with ways to actually help you and your DD?

if you refuse to access any help then nothing will change. if you want a better future for yourself, your DD and your other children then you HAVE TO ACT. Think about that. Think about where you want to be in ten years. Doing nothing might seem the easier option but actually in the long run things will be much, much harder for you all.

take care. I hope you can find the strength you need

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
YellowRosesWithRedTips · 27/10/2023 15:52

Even if you don’t want support from children’s services why don’t you look at support via the EHCP?

stargirl1701 · 27/10/2023 15:52

Child Disability Social Work are not the same as Child Protection Social Work, OP.

Original poster
Cantdothisforeverr · 27/10/2023 15:53

Hoping for advice on how to get her to understand not to approach strangers, I can cope with anything else other than that, she didn’t always do this it’s a new thing within the last year. Before this it was too bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantdothisforeverr · 27/10/2023 15:54

We’ve got a ehcp they said mainstream is fine. Mainstream couldn’t cope with her needs and said this, they don’t care.

OP posts:
Littleme2023 · 27/10/2023 15:54

This is p*ssing me off tbh.

If your daughter had a toothache you’d take her to the dentist, yes?

If your daughter broke her arm you’d take her to A&E, yes?

If your daughter had a chest infection you’d take her to the doctor for some antibiotics, yes?

Ok.

Well your daughter has a condition that is massively, from your own words, negatively impacting your whole family and all of your quality of life. SO GO TO SS TO ASK FOR THE HELP YOU NEED.

You risk someone else making this call and then you will be on the back foot because your actions will be seen as neglectful. Because they are.

What happens when she attacks someone in the street and then the police are called and your daughter is arrested? There will be a whole investigation where you will be asked to justify every bit of your parenting and you are being extremely naive to think it won’t.

Jesus Christ. Sorry to be so harsh but someone needs to say it.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/10/2023 15:55

Cantdothisforeverr · 27/10/2023 15:53

Hoping for advice on how to get her to understand not to approach strangers, I can cope with anything else other than that, she didn’t always do this it’s a new thing within the last year. Before this it was too bad.

She is going to keep developing behaviours like this, she needs to go to a school suitable for her op with her peers.

BasiliskStare · 27/10/2023 15:57

I am prepared to be roundly ciritcized for this and told I am naive - I will take that on the chin , but if she is a teen and not in education why is someone not involved already . Genuine ( if naive ) question

YellowRosesWithRedTips · 27/10/2023 15:59

And you were advised on how to get the right of appeal so you can appeal the EHCP for either a special school or EOTAS. Did you follow that advice? You were advised on how to stop EHE and get the LA to put in place provision. Did you follow that advice?

EmptyYoghurtPot · 27/10/2023 16:00

Littleme2023 · 27/10/2023 15:54

This is p*ssing me off tbh.

If your daughter had a toothache you’d take her to the dentist, yes?

If your daughter broke her arm you’d take her to A&E, yes?

If your daughter had a chest infection you’d take her to the doctor for some antibiotics, yes?

Ok.

Well your daughter has a condition that is massively, from your own words, negatively impacting your whole family and all of your quality of life. SO GO TO SS TO ASK FOR THE HELP YOU NEED.

You risk someone else making this call and then you will be on the back foot because your actions will be seen as neglectful. Because they are.

What happens when she attacks someone in the street and then the police are called and your daughter is arrested? There will be a whole investigation where you will be asked to justify every bit of your parenting and you are being extremely naive to think it won’t.

Jesus Christ. Sorry to be so harsh but someone needs to say it.

Edited

This is what I was trying to find the words to say. I’ve worked in Safeguarding for over 25 years and I can see one of the other children being the one who finally speaks out (that’s why I asked if they were at school).
In all those years SS only took children into care in a very few cases and always as a last result when everything else had failed.

Original poster
Cantdothisforeverr · 27/10/2023 16:00

Not contacting ss. Having an autistic child doesn’t mean you have to have a social worker. I am asking how to stop her approaching strangers.

OP posts:
NotLactoseFree · 27/10/2023 16:01

Cantdothisforeverr · 27/10/2023 15:54

We’ve got a ehcp they said mainstream is fine. Mainstream couldn’t cope with her needs and said this, they don’t care.

I am sadly, not entirely surprised by this.

However, the good news is that I can tell you that you have to sort of treat this as an opening offer. A friend was in a similar situation. She also had to take her DD out of school. It took about 9 months, but eventually she was able to get the LA to accept that her dd could not cope in mainstream school, that mainstream school could not implement the interventions that were necessary, that her daughter's behaviour and learning and mental health were suffering, as was the MH of the rest of the family.

She's still not in a special school - looking for a place - but they are hopeful it will happen next year.

As for getting her to stop, you've been a parent of an autistic child for a while now so you must know that's not necessarily going to work as a standalone - you can't just magically convince her. She needs overall to be working on impulse control and emotional regulation. It's also possible that her behaviour is getting worse because the issues that have always been there are harder to manage as a result of age/puberty, frustration etc.

Original poster
Cantdothisforeverr · 27/10/2023 16:01

No one is involved she is HE. I’ve contacted the LA repeatedly since may and have been ignored. I last spoke to anyone from the LA one year ago.

OP posts:
PictureOfFlorianTray · 27/10/2023 16:03

That's what I was thinking @BasiliskStare

You're child needs to have access to the curriculum In whatever way is suitable, OP.

You can't just keep them at home.

Your daughter is behaving inappropriately towards others due to her issues. You need support for this, it won't just go away with a couple of tips from MMetters.
You and your daughter need support and SS is best placed to find that support for you. They're not there to take children away on a whim.

YellowRosesWithRedTips · 27/10/2023 16:03

So follow the advice you were given on how to force the LA to hold the AR (in order to get the right of appeal) and how stop EHE and force the LA to provide provision.

Littleme2023 · 27/10/2023 16:03

What a waste of time posting then.

Your poor family, you’re just not going to help them are you?

Goodornot · 27/10/2023 16:04

It isn't just about you is it? By your own admission you can't cope with her and she attacks people in the street.

SS needs to provide support. She isn't having an education and you can control her so she will never be able to function in adult hood unless you seek help. It's also not fair on your other children to have to live with that.

peenaction · 27/10/2023 16:04

Cantdothisforeverr · 27/10/2023 16:00

Not contacting ss. Having an autistic child doesn’t mean you have to have a social worker. I am asking how to stop her approaching strangers.

Nobody is going to be able to tell you how to do this.

You need to seek help before help is forced upon you by events beyond your control.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2023 16:05

Sorry, op, but by not reaching out for help in every way possible, you are failing all of your children. They need you to advocate for them, regardless of any past negative experiences.

Triffid1 · 27/10/2023 16:05

Cantdothisforeverr · 27/10/2023 16:01

No one is involved she is HE. I’ve contacted the LA repeatedly since may and have been ignored. I last spoke to anyone from the LA one year ago.

Having SS involvement might actually make the LA more likely to step in and help you.

@Littleme2023 has been blunt, but she's right. You are at massive risk of someone else reporting you in due course, most likely as a result of one of your other children being considered at risk.

Slightly odd question - have you ever been assessed for ASD? Because your intransigence and blind refusal to consider other viewpoints is concerning. You clearly need help. For yourself, for your daughter, and for your younger children.

Original poster
Cantdothisforeverr · 27/10/2023 16:05

Not posting again. I will not be contacting ss under any circumstances.

OP posts:
NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 27/10/2023 16:07

There's obviously more to this than you are disclosing. It's sad that you say you can't cope and you need help, but won't access the only real help that is available to you. I hope you find your answers somewhere.

Littleme2023 · 27/10/2023 16:08

Well it’s just a waiting game then until someone else does report you, because this is neglectful on your part.

Fighting for the help you need for a child with autism can be soul destroying but I can’t imagine NOT doing it for my child.

Such a shame that your own ignorance in the matter will cause such harm to her. She needs help and you’re refusing to access it for her.

This is such a sad situation.