I can’t cope with daughters behaviour anymore

[Cantdothisforeverr]

I really need help or advice with my daughter as I don’t know what to do anymore and can’t find anyone else in this situation.

My oldest is autistic but not only that she has extremely challenging behaviour and is quite frankly out of control, I can’t take her anywhere as she just kicks off all the time over everything. She is big and strong (she’s a teen) her behaviour is just terrible. Yesterday we had to get off the bus early and walk as she wouldn’t stop going up to people and trying to take their phones. I was of course trying to stop her but she’s getting stronger now and I can’t manage her on my own. I’m a lone parent and her father doesn’t see her. I also have no family help. I feel like a prisoner as I can’t take my other children anywhere as she is too badly behaved. This Means my other kids have to constantly miss out on things and I can’t just live a normal life. Can’t even take her to the park as she will constantly approach people and try to go off with them. I’ve told her time and time again to stop approaching people but she won’t listen. I don’t know what else to do she just ignores me. I can’t watch her at all times as I have 3 younger children that need supervision. Yesterday when people were getting off the bus she was trying to grab everyone getting off and stop them getting off. I can’t go anywhere and it’s making me miserable as I can’t take my other kids out and I have no one to leave her with and I can’t leave her home alone either despite being a teen, so I will forever be trapped or have to take her places whilst she kicks off? People talk about her wherever we go and laugh at her and call her names I’m sick of being looked at and talked about. Honestly begging for advice or what I can do? She is completely out of control. My other kids are suffering and are embarrassed by her behavior. I wish I wasn’t alone with her because at least then I would have the option to leave her home with someone but there is no one.

OP, does your daughter have learning disabilities alongside her autism? If she does, any strategies for trying to prevent her from approaching people would have to be tailored to her level of understanding.

This situation is very clearly going to implode. One of your other children will make a disclosure or someone will be hurt or God forbid try to run away, and then you will ‘have SS on your back’. Because you are not taking measures to protect any of your children, they will be considered at risk and any control you had over the situation will be lost.

This is really sad OP. You keep posting that you need help but you won’t involve SS because you think they’ll remove your child. It doesn’t work like that.

@Cantdothisforeverr If you ask for help with the DD with issues I don't think that would be likely to lead to you risking losing custody of your DC.

But meds would be something to look into for her for sure.

What @Littleme2023 and others have said.
You clearly need support, you have said yourself you are not coping. Reach out for support. Suffering alone and being a martyr about it isnt helping anyone. Ive worked with young adults with learning difficulties and behavioural issues - they lived in 40 week a year residential living place (funded by their local authorities). They loved the independence away from their families and we loved being their away from home "parents". They did lots of wonderful activities and learnt about loads of day to day living skills they most likely wouldnt at home. I would investigate rather than assuming its a disastrous option.
Eventually, ultimately............ you will inevitably (sorry to say it but its true) be too old/infirm to care for her anyway............ so put steps in place now. You will both benefit.

Hello, I haven't read the full thread, only the OP posts. @Cantdothisforeverr
A long time ago I was a teacher at a mainstream school. There was a ND child in another class who used to approach strangers. All staff were involved in teaching the child to shake hands with people. This child was allowed to hug their class teacher and teacher assistant but was being taught to offer a hand to shake to other people. Would this be helpful?

Today he grabbed someone’s balls 😂 yes mildly embarrassing but he can’t help it he has a learning disability and doesn’t understand. Im
not trying to score points re. What’s good parenting, or trying to put you down - just making the point that asking for help doesn’t mean you’re failing as a parent! SS might offer the space you need to not feel so overwhelmed

Maybe psychology within the LD team might help with a functional analysis and social stories? It will be important to understand why she does it in order to think what will help. For example if it’s sensory overload and distress (OT might help)

Please do take on board the advice given to you here.

Some part of you must know your question cannot be answered.

There’s some fantastic advice on this thread. It’s sad that you’re refusing to take it on board. I really feel for your children.

It’s very likely one of your younger DC will disclose something & you’ll end up with SC support anyway. Much better to seek it yourself.

The lea and social services can help you get an appropriate educational placement, she deserves that. You and your children also deserve respite. They aren't going to take her away, they can help her get the support she needs to live in the community whether that's with you or in the future independently

She is not displaying bad behaviour but reacting to something which is upsetting her. Your attitude for a start. Get a sen support worker . Stop caring what others think about your child also. Get her into sen clubs so she can socialise with others like her in a safe space. Find other parents in the same boat and make friends as the support will boost your mood. Also see the gp for yourself as you are clearly depressed/stressed.

OLD THREAD. Why have you posted? And OP clearly stated on 27th Oct. 2023 that she wouldn't be replying to any posts.

With the best will in the world OP you are not coping and clearly neither is she. My DD and her husband have a much younger autistic child and they have sought support from any organisation who will help and my Son in law is a social worker himself.

Maybe your DD approaching strangers is saying that she needs interaction with people other than you if she is home all day with you and no school? I know that is harsh but unless you are an expert in ASD you wont know everything.

social services do not jump straight to removing children. they don't have enough resources. is she verbal? If you cannot persuade her to stop trying to approach people to get their phones can you give her an old one of yours?

OLD thread