I can’t cope with daughters behaviour anymore

[Cantdothisforeverr]

I really need help or advice with my daughter as I don’t know what to do anymore and can’t find anyone else in this situation.

My oldest is autistic but not only that she has extremely challenging behaviour and is quite frankly out of control, I can’t take her anywhere as she just kicks off all the time over everything. She is big and strong (she’s a teen) her behaviour is just terrible. Yesterday we had to get off the bus early and walk as she wouldn’t stop going up to people and trying to take their phones. I was of course trying to stop her but she’s getting stronger now and I can’t manage her on my own. I’m a lone parent and her father doesn’t see her. I also have no family help. I feel like a prisoner as I can’t take my other children anywhere as she is too badly behaved. This Means my other kids have to constantly miss out on things and I can’t just live a normal life. Can’t even take her to the park as she will constantly approach people and try to go off with them. I’ve told her time and time again to stop approaching people but she won’t listen. I don’t know what else to do she just ignores me. I can’t watch her at all times as I have 3 younger children that need supervision. Yesterday when people were getting off the bus she was trying to grab everyone getting off and stop them getting off. I can’t go anywhere and it’s making me miserable as I can’t take my other kids out and I have no one to leave her with and I can’t leave her home alone either despite being a teen, so I will forever be trapped or have to take her places whilst she kicks off? People talk about her wherever we go and laugh at her and call her names I’m sick of being looked at and talked about. Honestly begging for advice or what I can do? She is completely out of control. My other kids are suffering and are embarrassed by her behavior. I wish I wasn’t alone with her because at least then I would have the option to leave her home with someone but there is no one.

I worked in disability services in the NHS.
You're actually neglecting your child by not getting the appropriate support and care for her. There are very good day centres run by the NHS and local authorities that have trained staff working with autistic children and adults.
Your daughter would not be taken away from you. In fact they would want to keep her at home and also provide transport to get her to her centre or school, where she would also, assuming that she does have capacity be taught coping mechanisms and appropriate behaviour. She would be taken out on activities and have parties and just generally a good time.
I do not understand why you would not want this for your child.

My guess is that she is approaching strangers due to stress and anxiety.
My asd dc does some really strange behaviour at times and it is generally always anxiety led.
A few ideas I would have would be too look at all possible sources of anxiety that going out will cause and see if there is anything you can do to lessen these:

• Noise: get ear defenders, wear headphones.
• Social situations: help her to understand in advance what is going to happen on the trip, you could use a social story or chat through the trip step by step in advance.
• Routine change: start days before talking to her about the trip you will make. Those with asd often need extra time to process things and so starting in advance gives her the opportunity to ask questions and talk through what may happen.
• Unfamiliar situation: if doing a trip on public transport is too much with the whole family you could practice just the two of you beforehand.
• Sensory: are there any fidget toys or distractions you can give her. My go to is a pack of polos/chewing gum.

Often it is a whole range of triggers that cause stress on trips out, many of which can be hard to pin point. I find I often need lots of go to strategies and try them all in the hope it will help.

Without a doubt all my strategies have come from other parents. Local asd groups are an absolute essential for me. Going to an online meet up and asking your question will result in so many great ideas for you to try - and you just know that the other parents get it. Some groups also organise days out for the whole family to join too.

You may not want to go to ss but please do reach out to local groups instead for support, it can feel very lonely but there really are loads of others in the same boat who are there to support.

I have an autistic child and I know full well my other kids have been pissed off with how much they feel she has gotten away with. They are now adults.

you have been offered some advice please take it.

@Cantdothisforeverr

Nobody here can tell you how to stop your daughter approaching strangers. Your daughter is behaving like this because her needs are not being met and she needs professional support. She needs to learn appropriate behaviour as part of an overall social skills package which should be included in her EHCP.

You need to write to the Director of Children's Services in your LA, asking for an urgent review of the EHCP and tell them you are no longer home educating. As you are no longer home educating, under Section 19 of the Education Act 1996 they have a duty to secure suitable full time education for her as she is of statutory school age. Explain that mainstream school is not appropriate for her (if necessary get the school to back you up) and tell them she needs a complete reassessment of needs. If they refuse, you can appeal.

I had an autistic child who is now an autistic adult and we've had social workers for years. Nobody took him or my other children away or suggested we were bad parents.Until someone recommended contacting them I had no idea what they could do and how helpful they could be.

You need to contact SS and explain the problems and ask for help for the sake of your other children.

OP there should be charities in your area who will help you get a suitable ehcp. Where are you based?

the LA will turn down special schools as they are banking on applicants not putting up a fuss so they don’t have to provide the funding. It’s baked into the system. You need to fight for your daughter to be placed in a special school, you can’t just give up and have her at home. A special school will teach her how to regulate her emotions better and not to approach strangers etc - there will be other children like her if you find a suitable placement.

To stop her approaching strangers, you need to find something that motivates.
And find an environment where you can safely practice it in short doses.
Tell her when going upto someone she is not to approach, guide her away and reward her. You need to practise this again and again.
You will need time and professional help to do it properly without it backfiring.

For that you will need money. You need an EHCP or a care package from SS - unless you are loaded.

It's a tough situation to be in. However you need to think about your other children too. They won't be young forever. You don't want to find yourself in a situation few short years down the line where your youngsters are going off the rails and blaming you for everything because you never spent quality time with them. Like others, I suggest you reach out for help. Your GP might be a good first call.

There was a child like this who used to attack random strangers- usually adults- who of course went to police.
Get social worker’s help now before you have that choice taken from you.

The child should be getting some form of schooling.

I despair at threads like this. The OP is clearly struggling, all her children are struggling and they just won’t listen to simple, common sense advice.

Although given they had a child with SEN then went on to have 3 more children it’s perhaps not surprising that’s difficult for her.

I feel sorry for the children not getting the support they need. Particularly the eldest. To be autistic and out of education, not receiving any professional help is really going to limit her development and life outcomes.

Has a SS my self for young mums i do work in that department.
You need to ask for help SWs dont take children away just like that they are there to help you.
Dont let past experience from a SW put you off from getting help now.
Ask doctors for help aswell Maybe a referral could be done.
There are local charities that you can call and get info from.

Wow some people are so harsh ! OP try the sweet project ?

I don't think anyone would find this easy to manage OP. My best suggestion would be to access some respite so that you can go out with your other children and DD can have 1:1 attention and do something she enjoys. You don't have to go through SS for this, in our area there are some options via the SEND local offer - you do have to pay but it's subsidised so it's not hugely expensive. Or you could pay a carer privately. Do you claim DLA for DD?

I also think a good specialist school would be able to work on things like this with DD and also give you good advice.

You need to get outside help, it isn’t all about what you want but what your children need and to deliberately avoid seeking help will count as neglect. Outside agencies will help you and your kids to get the support they need. Your autistic dd is obviously not getting her needs met as she’s acting up probably due to sensory overload anxiety etc. A professional is what you need to identify her triggers and how to avoid. You are worried about them taking your kids away, well why not get them the support they need so you have control over the situation rather than things getting so bad you won’t have a choice. It takes a village to raise kids and without that village life gets hard, doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent cos you can’t cope, we just aren’t designed to cope on our own but I will say you are a bad parent if you don’t get your kids the help they need, including your non sen children who I’m sure will have their own issues.

@Cantdothisforeverr have you tried all of the local and national SEN charities? They run day groups - respite - and advice and support from other parents? Locally we have Kidz, Aim Higher, and others.

Social services have no interest in taking your children, despite what some people say they actually just want to help.

What they will want to do is help you to find support for your DD and in turn spend more quality time with your younger DC’s.

I can’t imagine why SS would remove your children unless they are abused, you're neglecting them, the house is filthy and unsafe or you co-habit with a paedophile —- none of which sound likely. Getting help and support for you is exactly what SS are supposed to do.
LA have to provide education, a school can’t simply say we can’t cope and the child receives no education. LA have to provide education suitable to the child.
Contact your MP and state you need support to access suitable education for your disabled child. https://members.parliament.uk/FindYourMP
Contact the National Autistic Society, ask them to advocate for you. https://www.autism.org.uk/
Mencap is another organisation. https://www.mencap.org.uk/

1 adult to 4 children is hard. 1 adult to 4 children, one of whom has a disability is almost impossible. Only intervention will help. If you crack what will happen to the children then?

Ok, so you don’t want to contact SS. But what about organisations that can offer you advice with getting your daughter back into an appropriate educational setting? You could try https://www.ipsea.org.uk/ or https://sossen.org.uk/services/ Both have lots of info on their websites and also you can make a phone appointment to speak to someone for advice. Are you getting DLA and carers allowance? Because if not, those benefits would help you and your daughter.

Your LA will also have a SENDIAS service which offers free and impartial support to families of children with SEN and disabilities.
https://www.kids.org.uk/sendiass-home/
They would help you with challenging the LA about providing an educational placement.

Once you have got her education sorted out (sounds like she requires a specialist placement), they will work on her antisocial behaviours there and hopefully give you some advice as to how to approach this at home. Young people with an EHCP can receive education up to 25 so it would really be worth your while to do this. Teaching her to control these behaviours is part of her education, so you could have this written into her EHCP. You need to ask the LA to conduct an urgent interim review and make sure they carry out the relevant educational psychology and speech and language assessments.

Child support services are there to help your child, yourself and your family. Woul you refuse medical treatment if your child say cancer?

There is a different department within social care sector under La so you can either apply for respite or apply for direct payment to hire someone from there you can use childcare/ nanny site to ( this will be the challenging part find someone suitable.so you can interview and employ someone to give respite as and when you need it,your choice of person , frequency ect. I've been on both ends I've been the support worker and now have 3 sen kids 2 autistic 1 is a teen very High functioning with a volcanic meltdown though and 1 non verbal non aware extreme meltdown and then one with gdd that is very self destructive then 2 not so please belive me when you tell you I get it <3 there is a way though 😘

Your second paragraph is unnecessarily judgy. Autism can take years to be recognised. It is highly possible the other three children were here before it was recognised, so she didn’t necessarily “go on to” have three more children knowing she had one with autism at all.

OP as others have said and scary as this seems, things only have a chance of getting better with some professional input. I know you don’t want to hear it, but by ignoring this advice things will only stay the same or get worse.

@Cantdothisforeverr She needs a medication review/consultant appointment. If she's on/tried some meds in the past, you could try other meds or different doses. Meds should help her stay put a bit more.

Is she under cahms ? If not get her there. Cbt could help with all the going out issues you face. She also needs and is entitled to a specialist school which actually teaches these boundaries as curriculum

You don’t have to go straight to Ss. Do you have an early help unit? There are layers of support usually before SS involvement- even positive. I would look at that first. Do you have any local autism charities? You could also try gingerbread, see if they can signpost you anywhere. It’s easy for anyone to say just call the social you need it, but when there’s no trust there it’s not going to happen. You need to find a professional you can trust, good luck

You should have kept her in school and let them find her an alternative school that could meet her requirements

OP, from your posts, I assume you'll find all the posts overwhelming and therefore, they won't go in. I doubt you may read mine and others' if you're scanning through and your head is swimming but hopefully you do.

Your autistic teen needs a disability social worker or support worker. This person would help take her places, do things with her, etc so that you can find it easier to focus on your other kids. They can help you secure some financial assistance to support your daughter too if she meets the criteria.

I can imagine how stressful and near impossible it is to have someone come into your life and space in real time for ND people but if you can, that would solve this issue you have to a great extent.