I can’t cope with daughters behaviour anymore

[Cantdothisforeverr]

I really need help or advice with my daughter as I don’t know what to do anymore and can’t find anyone else in this situation.

My oldest is autistic but not only that she has extremely challenging behaviour and is quite frankly out of control, I can’t take her anywhere as she just kicks off all the time over everything. She is big and strong (she’s a teen) her behaviour is just terrible. Yesterday we had to get off the bus early and walk as she wouldn’t stop going up to people and trying to take their phones. I was of course trying to stop her but she’s getting stronger now and I can’t manage her on my own. I’m a lone parent and her father doesn’t see her. I also have no family help. I feel like a prisoner as I can’t take my other children anywhere as she is too badly behaved. This Means my other kids have to constantly miss out on things and I can’t just live a normal life. Can’t even take her to the park as she will constantly approach people and try to go off with them. I’ve told her time and time again to stop approaching people but she won’t listen. I don’t know what else to do she just ignores me. I can’t watch her at all times as I have 3 younger children that need supervision. Yesterday when people were getting off the bus she was trying to grab everyone getting off and stop them getting off. I can’t go anywhere and it’s making me miserable as I can’t take my other kids out and I have no one to leave her with and I can’t leave her home alone either despite being a teen, so I will forever be trapped or have to take her places whilst she kicks off? People talk about her wherever we go and laugh at her and call her names I’m sick of being looked at and talked about. Honestly begging for advice or what I can do? She is completely out of control. My other kids are suffering and are embarrassed by her behavior. I wish I wasn’t alone with her because at least then I would have the option to leave her home with someone but there is no one.

Slightly odd question - have you ever been assessed for ASD? Because your intransigence and blind refusal to consider other viewpoints is concerning. You clearly need help.

I was thinking the same thing.

Sorry, but my sympathies are for your children, all of them. You are not being fair.

Firstly, for yourself I would find out about any carers support in your area, support groups can be an invaluable resource for parent carers because not only does it help to know you're not alone in your struggles, but nobody will have thought of as creative as ingenious solutions to the problems that arise with a SEN child than somebody who has found a strategy through necessity, eg. Another parent carer.

Secondly, is there any activity you could take with you on the bus. Something to keep her hands busy? A screen to watch and some headphones to listen with? Ear defenders? I would look at the sensory needs, because bus travel is a difficult sensory environment (leading to more behaviours that are hard to manage). So if her sensory needs are met she may not be behaving in that same way. Sometimes giving them a small responsibility can help as well, eg. If she has a watch she can be the one to keep an eye on that, or you can get her to count bus stops, or follow your journey on Google maps. Or you could do some people watching if she is interested in people, how many umbrellas can she see out the window? Can she see anyone wearing purple? It is difficult to know what will work without understanding her autism and any additional conditions or intellectual disability, because autistic people can vary so much in their needs and interests, you will know best what might work.

I hope you find something that works from you. I understand the fear of social services, and if you think that it will cause you more stress then might not be the way forward for you, but it does sound like you could benefit from some more support because it is a lot to manage. I know it can be hard to ask for help and everyone have different levels of support available to them, if you don't have family or friends you can ask for more from, then I would definitely look into what carer groups and SEN groups their are, sibling groups as well for your other kids.

Are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to? DLA with mobility and Care components?

If you go voluntarily to SS you have some measure of control op.

If you refuse to seek proper help from actual professional services and you daughter ends up seriously hurting one of your other children or a stranger in public then you run the serious risk of any choice being taken out of your hands in regard to your eldest and even perhaps with the rest of your children.

I don't say this to scare you or reinforce your false belief that SS are monsters but because you are making this outcome very much a possibility each day you refuse to take action.

You are going to create the outcome and fulfil your worst nightmare by limiting your choices because of it.

She sounds similar to the children I work with in a specialist setting. She actually needs to attend a mainstream school regardless and the school placement needs to implode and hit crisis point for the LA to relocate her to a more appropriate setting which meets her needs. She sounds like she would greatly benefit from a specialist setting with specialist knowledge on strategies. At present her EHCP seems inadequate

Secondly seek SS help. Tell them you’re at breaking point with her behaviour and you need support. You’re other children are deeply effected and you are struggling to keep her safe in the community. SS will not remove your children, push for access to respite and links with voluntary agencies who can help or advise.

SS definitely won’t take your children away! They aren’t the parent police - they are there for exactly this sort of situation where you need support and funding.
Agree you need to reach out and seek some sort of education for her because this isn’t sustainable. Realistically what are you thinking will happen when she turns 18?? She will be very very vulnerable and at risk of ending up in prison or being exploited if she doesn’t have any structure to her life with support. Please contact social services. Do it for your DD, it’s what’s best for her. It’s also doing it for your other children too who must be suffering. And for yourself xxx

I work in children's services, I'm not a social worker though. The area where I live have no foster placements. They won't just take your kids off you. It just won't happen. They will try to help you and sort out a plan. Whether it is getting your younger children funding to be able to go out for the day or something.

SS are not going to remove your child if you call them asking for help (hell they won't remove a child where a parent calls them asking to because they can't cope!)...

However if they get multiple reports of your child being out of control, invading peoples spaces, interfering with people and being unsafe and you have NOT asked for help, that will reflect badly on you.

Refusal to engage and ask for help when it is clear you need it is a red flag for them.

I've been a foster carer and also worked in a group home for adults with learning disabilities. I truly believe that you need the support of Social Services, who may be able to support you with respite care. and when the time comes, for your daughter to be moved into a group home, where her problems can be addressed. The sooner you get her on their radar the better. As for them being "on your back", it isn't like that. You might even find that you get to look forward to a social worker visiting so they can see your problems and you can chat about what is happening. In fact if you tried to get them to take your children you'd have a job! It's the last thing they want to do. You need some help. Please consider calling them.

At the moment you've got a chance here to go to Social Services and ask for help on your terms. If your daughter's behaviour continues to escalate you'll have more to deal with than Social Services - especially when the police are knocking on your door and she ends up in court. This will then have a knock on effect on your other children and be held against you because you refused to involve Social Services in the first place. Take a deep breath and make that call.

It’s a completely different team that work with respite for children with special needs it’s not the same as “the ones that take the children away”. A huge amount of special needs families work with SS especially those with other children so that they can get the respite to prioritise them for a night or so. I’ve known families to use them literally just because they want to take their neurotypical child for dance classes once a week. They are there to support and it’s not in their remit to criticise.

Social Services may be able to help out with pushing for mainstream provision that she is able to cope in/enjoy going to or they may be able to push for an alternative provision for her.
They May be able to get you some respite so you have a few hours with your other children.
I realise you don’t want social service involvement but you can’t cope and this isn’t fair on your or your other children.
if you don’t seek help they may become involved at a stage where you no longer have control over their voluntary involvement.

This is going to sound brutal but at the moment you are failing all of your children.

Wirst case scenarios are your oldest hurts one of the others or ends up being arrested out in public. No one can tell you how to stop her assaulting people because while there may be a way to work with her to manage her behaviour it would be individual to her needs, and there is a possibility she doesn’t have the capacity to understand as well.

Her needs are not being met and neither are the other three. You are in a position to do something to reach out to help and if you don’t, for all of their sake I hope that decision is taken out of your hands soon. I have huge sympathy for the challenges you face but not dealing with them is just not an option.

In your shoes I’d enrole her in a school, have her attend full time, refuse part time and let the school deal with the fallout/safeguarding so that a more accurate EHCP evolves quickly and the right setting/help is implemented. Things have to hit rock bottom in school first, before they get better.

Sadly parents often have a battle to get support and often feel blamed when autistic behaviours are clearly linked to diagnosis rather then parenting.

Sounds tough OP. I havent got any experience to help with your autistic child but please visit Sibs www.sibs.org.uk to help for her siblings.

I think it would be really helpful to seek the advice of the national autistic society or other voluntary agencies.

You need to ask for a social worker. Sorry. She needs help and if she’s in HE she needs access to longer term support. At this point the red flag is your inability to access support.

This is the field I work in. In order to get referred to respite/ positive behaviour support etc you need a social worker. They absolutely will not take your children away!! I know you say you've had a bad experience with them and I'm sorry for that but honestly they aren't all the same. There is a legal duty there that they have to provide education and transport for it you just have to fight for it which is rubbish.
I would phone some charities and see what support there is in your area. Do you receive direct payments to pay for a respite service or support service?? If not that's what you need to do- through social worker.
Start researching support services in your local area and see what's out there.

OP may have to appeal (when she has the right of appeal) but she doesn’t have to have a failed secondary MS placement to get a SS place or EOTAS.

What has your LA said? They surely have a responsibility to find a suitable school?

Do you have any local charities who can offer help? Does your local authority have an autism offer page? What do you think tj reason she is approaching strangers - could it be to get a response from you?

This is a really helpful idea and perhaps something which the op would be comfortable with doing?

OP is EHEing, while she is doing that the LA will say she is making suitable alternative arrangements. In previous threads OP has been advised how to stop EHEing and force the LA to provide provision.

Please seek help. I mean this gently and kindly but this isn't fair in your other children. There are organisations who may be able to help but I do think in this situation you really do need support from social services. They won't take your children away.

This is so extremely sad. Please stop being so bullheaded about this. You're letting her and your other children down so badly.