Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 3

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. It continued to a second thread here: Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2 | Mumsnet I hope this thread can continue the good work of its predecessors. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here. The world is a better place with you in it, despite what you might have been conditioned to believe by those who brought you into it. x

@RenewableNewt I haven’t checked in on this thread for a while and just read your update. I’m so terribly sorry - as others have said, words just seem so feeble and inadequate at a time like this. I can’t offer you any more advice other than the wise comments already made but if you feel strong enough, maybe it IS time to go NC. I was never quite brave enough and always let her back in. I would repeatedly forgive, want to start on a new page and it would always start off well, but as soon as I lowered my guard and start to relax, she’d be straight in there with the barbed comments and the passive aggression statements.

Long term, my MH has suffered. Even nearly 4 years after her death I still suffer from excruciating anxiety and can hear her judging me in every decision and choice I still make. I wish I had excised her out of my life when she still alive as I think that would have put me back in control and to take back charge of my life. It’s almost like she still got the last word and there was unfinished business. I still have vivid dreams where I’m ‘brave’ and winning by standing up to her.

Narcissism is mainly about the power these people have over others emotions and looking back, she only succeeded because I let her. I was told repeatedly I was selfish, cruel and uncaring by her when now I realise I was none of these things at all, because had I actually been, I would have not put up with all the shit I did for as long as I did.

If you go NC, you’ll probably be accused of these things too, but you’re not being selfish, cruel and uncaring. Your absolute first priority is yourself, your own well-being and your own mental strength. Narcs just suck you dry and have no empathy for your loss, it’s always about how it affects or impacts on them.

I’m very low contact, and I’ve accepted how she is and have zero expectations of her. It doesn’t even bother me now, it just makes me laugh. I actually feel quite sorry for her. She had an horrific childhood, raped by her father from the age of 3-13 then got put in a convent for ‘wayward’ kids when my grandfather was jailed. She’s had a succession of abusive relationships, and developed alcoholism and a catalogue of serious mental health disorders. She’s never been happy. I understand she’s completely messed up and bitter. But she only behaves like this with me and my brothers, she’s a perfect burning martyr for everyone else. I’ve considered cutting her off on many occasions but decided against it because despite everything, she’s a good grandmother and my children are quite close to her.

How tragic. How dark and sad.

Latest text from my absolute devil in disguise. When I pointed out why I wouldn’t be visiting due to her most recent visit in which she treated me and DH terribly.

“Well I don't know what you mean but its too bad that I cant get to see <DD Name> over whatever ye are accusing me off. Theres enough going on besides turning on me whenever suits.”

The “going on” refers to expected family dysfunction that is predictable and never ending. Most of which stems from her abusive parenting.

Just fuck off.

@Changedmymind99 - ignore her forever more. This is what they do. Smoke and mirrors with no accountability. She's upset now. She is never going to accept responsibility and it will just upset you.

If it's anything like my family, yours will not get it. Some of my family try to rewrite history or tried to side with her. Until they were in the firing line. I'm not interested in any of it.

When you ring your mum middle of last week telling her you had a miscarriage and was off work. She’s alright and a bit sympathetic but then never texts or calls since. I don’t know what hurts more at times, that she doesn’t seem to care or she isn’t the mum I want / need

@Boredatwork1234 - I'm so sorry for your loss.

It all hurts. Each time my DM let me down it hurt. The memories of her being cruel or disinterested still hurt. But I've got and you've got something they never had, proper functioning relationships and love.

We are also strong. We've have to be but we are and we are more than they ever thought we were.

It's been a while and I've thought of you all and how you are.

I'm getting such rages of hate lately. I know I will never understand my DM but I don't understand her family either. I was hung out to dry.

I hope you are all ok x

Hope you are okay too @user1471538283

Rage away here!

I bet your M and her family are all very damaged in their own way and much more insane than most of us.

I'm so sorry @user1471538283 . It isn't your fault. You're not an awful person. You are a good soul beleaguered with a rotten family. I understand. It's horrible. I hope things get better for you soon, away from your "D"M and her flying monkeys. Sending you love and solidarity. xxx❤

I was 9 months pregnant and my mother stayed with us to “help”, on the first day she said to me I am baffled why you are still with this man, referring to my partner of 14 years who has always been kind to her.

@01Name - thank you for your kindness. My DM is dead thank goodness but it's so hard to reconcile my hate for her whilst her family assume the best of her. I'm resentful of it all. I try to understand her and them but can't. Honestly I've treated strangers better.

@Slav80 - Your DM was jealous and trying to spoil your special time. My DM spent my pregnancy being nasty to me and my partner. He turned vile but the point was she should have been happy. But they can't be. Because they are not the centre of attention.

Just reading the introductory post made me cry. I am going through hell with my very narcissistic mother right now. I can't write it all down, I don't have the words. She is trying to destroy me, and I think she's nearly there. My sister joins in with scapegoating me, but occasionally has a glimpse at what is really going on. I have absolutely no one. I live in part of her house, having cared for my dad for years. I have no way of moving out. Thanks for reading.

Oh that's awful I'm sorry to hear that. Is there anything you can do to work towards moving out? Just baby steps with saving? Can you be out as much as possible for some headspace?

My DM was insufferable to live with too.

Thanks, @user1471538283. I've been staying in and away from her. I'm not up to much. Rentals are so expensive and competitive now, it's unreal.

Please, please feel free to rant, rage and or just vent on here. Nothing an NPD parent has said or done will shock any of us or make us judge you.

It’s very hard to convey to anyone with a ‘normal’ relationship with their mother what it’s like to deal with a narc. There’s an assumption that it’s just a bit of a rough patch or it’ll pass - but unfortunately, it doesn’t. Narcs never change or recognise they could improve things - it’s never their fault. Your focus needs to be on protecting yourself and your family and if it means ultimately removing yourself from their manipulations, you haven’t failed, they have.

Hi everyone, how are you all doing? I saw my mum over the weekend and found it very intense.

I’m nearly 18 weeks pregnant after having a MMC before Christmas (I think I posted about her comments at the time). We told my mum after our 12-week scan and in that first week, I had three messages from her about buying things - ‘it will need to have’, ‘we will have to go shopping’ etc - even though I’d said I don’t want to buy anything until nearer to the time.

This weekend, I saw her for a few hours (I accidentally let slip that DH was working, so she decided she would ‘keep me company’ 😑). I find her asking about my pregnancy and my body very disturbing - my counsellor says that it could be because the last time my body changed so much, during puberty, my mum had no boundaries and gave us no privacy, and generally behaved inappropriately. So her standing in the middle of my kitchen yesterday while I was trying to finish making dinner and asking ‘have you felt any movements yet?’ felt deeply unpleasant, and actually distressing. It feels like far too intimate a thing to want to share with her.

This morning I got the obligatory message with loveheart emojis ‘if you need anything, just ask’, because it’s always about ‘things’ and material stuff.

I’m having attachment-focused EMDR which I think will help the childhood trauma and memories of what happened in the past, but I’m not sure about the present and future. She makes me feel so uncomfortable that all my instincts scream to get her away from me (and my baby).

Hi @RenewableNewt, firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy, it’s such a lovely time, one that you should be able to enjoy. Secondly, I can relate to the feelings you describe with regards to your NM asking about your pregnancy. Back when I was expecting my first child I had no boundaries at all, I didn’t even know they were a thing tbh, and my NM would touch my bump 🤢 I would let her, of course, even though every fibre of my being was screaming not too. I think what your counsellor said is very accurate, it makes total sense. Our bodies feelings of revulsion act like warming signals, trying to tell us certain people are unsafe. It explains why I would be in a state of high alert and anxious around my parents and the more I would ignore these feelings the anxiety and physical symptoms would persist. Anyway, I just want to say that I totally understand where you are coming from, and it’s a difficult position to be in. Look after yourself, enforce those boundaries and protect (I know you will) your baby from people like your NM, it took me until my kids were 3 & 6 to really understand what was happening but it’s better late than never.

Hi @junebugalice thanks so much for replying. Sorry for the huge stream-of-consciousness post!

I completely agree and empathise re. revulsion. It’s something I’ve only really noticed the past couple of years, even though the worst parts of my mum’s behaviour happened up to about 2018-19 and we’re supposed to believe/agree that she’s mellowed since then.

It’s getting really hard to ignore how I feel around her. I hate making eye contact with her (it feels threatening, for some reason?) and she wanted to do the two-cheek kiss when she arrived and I sort of let her kiss one and then didn’t turn my face and she seemed a bit taken aback.

There’s a photo from our wedding where she’s kissing my cheek and it’s taken from behind me IYSWIM, so all you can see is her doing this performative, exaggerated pout and it just makes me feel ill. I know that’s an OTT reaction. But it’s the revulsion speaking again, I think?

You’re totally right about protecting DC and huge kudos to you for doing it for your own, none of this is easy.

I think EMDR should help. Good for you for trying it. This feeling of revulsion and terror sounds really deep. And really painful—in the same way that seeing or smelling something revolting makes us gag its an involuntary snd immiediate response to the body identifying a source of danger.

Limit your exposure as much as possible. Just be too busy, accidentally out, oh I forgot, etc…Have your dh inform her that you won’t be discussing the baby or accepting gifts for the baby before baby is here.

You are on high alert right now because of the pregnancy. I felt the same towards my MIL during my pregnancies. Our senses are heightened and our need to protect ourselves and the baby ate also string—sometimes stronger than we have ever felt before.

Practice saying to yourself and the baby “I can take care of us. I can hold my boundaries. It is OK. We will be OK” when you start to get that panicked/nauseated feeling.

‘Practice saying to yourself and the baby “I can take care of us. I can hold my boundaries. It is OK. We will be OK” when you start to get that panicked/nauseated feeling.’

I love this @pikkumyy77, thank you 🙏🏼

I think I’m going to limit exposure/meet-ups for a while. Yesterday she kept saying ‘we’ll come up one Friday when you’re free, or even when you’re working, it doesn’t matter’ (yes, it of course it matters? 🤨), and also again that she’ll come and ‘keep me company’ in September when DH is due to be away (I do not want her company).

I was non-committal about it all and will stay that way for a bit, I think. Thank you all for your responses 🙏🏼

Your body is screaming at you to get away from her. Mine used to do the same. I know it's so difficult but try not to be in her company very much if at all. I bet you find the strength to go NC soon.

I'm so angry at my DM recently even though she's long dead. One of her siblings died and it's churned up things about her and them (they weren't abusive they just didn't help me at all).

I just wish it had all been different.

@RenewableNewt on the topic of physical contact with hugs and kisses, it always felt unnatural to me, even as a child. My NM would hug me occasionally but I didn’t enjoy it, I suppose I knew she was a cruel mother so her hugs didn’t represent safety and warmth. Similarly, now as an adult, we do these hugs and kisses and it’s so utterly pathetic. My EF, who is incapable of expressing any kind of emotion that gets close to love, would also reach out for an awkward hug and I find it horrific. Again, it stems from childhood memories of physical and emotional abuse so I suppose it makes sense really, my reaction. Anyway, I have recently gone NC after 4 years of trying to establish and maintain (maintain being the key word here as they railroaded over every boundary I attempted) boundaries I have gone NC with all my family. I had no choice, I couldn’t keep betraying myself (engaging in hugs etc while at the same time being treated poorly). My husband noticed that after every interaction with them (even in neutral places like cafes) I would come home anxious and my physical symptoms would start to act up. Eventually I just became repulsed by everything they are and represent.

Your reaction to the wedding photo is totally normal, and expected. It’s that sense of “acting” like a happy family that has been captured in the photo and it, rightly, repulses you. My family of origin would have been the same, hugs and kisses (forced and unnatural) would happen as that is what “nice” families do, but we weren’t a “nice” family and I couldn’t participate in the charade anymore. Same with eye contact, with my mother she just scares me, my father is dead to reality. They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, well what I’ve been looking into my whole hasn’t been pretty.

Sorry for the essay but I think it helps to feel you aren’t alone and others have toxic family’s too but also that you can escape them and live a happy life.