Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 3

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. It continued to a second thread here: Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2 | Mumsnet I hope this thread can continue the good work of its predecessors. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here. The world is a better place with you in it, despite what you might have been conditioned to believe by those who brought you into it. x

I’ve never seen anyone say this before but I feel the same about the eyes, I literally can’t look her in the eyes, I see nothing but evil hatred and rage towards me even when her mouth is smiling. I once nearly choked while eating a meal I looked at her instinctively for help it’s the only time I ever saw her eyes smiling. She was enjoying watching me choke.Sick or what.

My DMs eyes were the same. They were brown but never warm just hard.

@KaleQueen - it is sick. I was told by my DM I fussed over my DS too much. By too much I assumed she meant at all.

On a group I’m on someone once described the eyes of a narcissist as like those of a serpent, I know this sounds dramatic but for me it’s true. If I happen to see a pic of my NM now that’s all I see, those evil eyes and fake insane smile.

@KaleQueen thats horrific. I can relate in the sense that my NM would actually smirk at me when she would be saying hurtful things, or when our relationship was “good” and she gave me a compliment she would always deliver it with a smirk or even a laugh. I used to call her out on it and she would deny that she was laughing and then we would just “move on”. Christ even writing that down is insane. How I survived living with those lunatics I’ll never know. These people are very sick indeed.

Interesting points raised about the eyes.

My NM would often stare at me, almost as though she was trying to read me or look into my soul and it was very uncomfortable because, most people when they’re caught staring, look away - she wouldn’t. Even my DD asked me at quite a young age ‘why does granny look at you like that? I suppose it was her not so subtle way of trying to dominate and intimidate.

Yep mine was the same tries to stare me out it makes me feel really uneasy hence I can’t look her in the eyes that’s not a me things either I am very very comfortable with eye contact with everyone else

It’s really interesting that the eyes are a common theme for us! I’ve mentioned to my counsellor before how mum will stare at me for really long periods of time, e.g. when I’m talking to someone else or they’re talking to me, all she does is stare, to the point my sister has commented on it too.

As a child, her ‘glaring’ was supposed to make us toe the line I think, it was literally supposed to scare us into submission, which is horrible. The first time I had EMDR, I couldn’t continue because the disturbance from thinking about the stare/glare was too much.

I remember being in the supermarket with her and a tiny child in a trolley (a complete stranger to us) was crying, and she gave him the glare too! It’s a really terrifying look, he was tiny and presumably uncomfortable or tired etc, and she didn’t know him from Adam! I don’t know WTF goes through her head, but I also thought at the time, if that’s how she reacts to a stranger’s child crying in public, what was it like for us at that age at home in private? 😔

I feel like my NM would be the first person to throw me under the bus….but that’s not how other families are,
not how it’s supposed to be, not how I am with my children…it hurts. I feel cheated out of one of most important relationships you are meant to have . Just sad.

Also 100% agree with the fake smile, she ‘smiles’ like nobody else I’ve ever seen and it’s so obviously put on. I’m not sure if she can genuinely smile? It’s just like the pout in the wedding photo, it’s performative.

Unfortunately as I get older, I’m starting to look more like her, so I’m doing my best to keep my hair very different to hers etc. The joy of genetics.

That’s just brought up a classic memory of her insecurity - I must’ve been about 17ish and was annoyed that my hair wouldn’t go right.

I had a pixie cut at the time and said something like it looked like I’d been living in a bush. NM, who had a bob past her chin, immediately huffed off because I’d said her hair looked like she’d lived in a bush… 🤨 two totally different haircuts, and I’d been talking about my own hair in any case, not hers? I wasn’t even looking at her when I said it, it was more a comment to myself?

She thinks everything is some kind of dig at her, which I suppose is due to whatever really deep insecurities causing all her awful behaviour (and which she projected onto us too, around weight, our bodies, boyfriends etc. So thanks for that, NM 🙄)

Huge empathy with your comment @Radishyellow about being cheated out of one of the supposedly central relationships of our lives. It’s a very very hard thing to come to terms with, I think, and not something I’m at peace with yet. I agree that it’s sad - for us and in a way for them, because they’ll never know a normal relationship either (although completely of their own doing).

www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-174

How to deal with difficult people . Mel Robbins and Dr Ramani on narcissistic parents and other such relationships

I feel the same. My father was her enabler and then became as toxic to try to counteract her narcissism. So I lost both parents in the end -and my sibling who remained embroiled.

When you see patterns of behaviour you can't unsee it.

i early pregnancy with my second when I got married…when I tried on my dress in front of her she said make sauté you get those stick on grips on your shoes you don’t want to slio and have a miscarriage…imagine that miscarriage all over your wedding dress then proceeded to laugh her ass off for ages….

This is really similar to my experience too. I used to see my dad as another of my mum’s victims, but more recently I can see how he’d rather throw me under the bus than face up to my mum’s behaviour, because it makes his life easier. That’s really hard to come to terms with.

And also as (all being well) I’ll be a parent relatively soon, I can see how he should have protected us for all those years. I just can’t imagine all the things that went on when we were tiny happening in my house to my small children, and not doing anything to stop it or protect them. So it adds another layer to that grief, I think, because he never stepped up for us and still won’t now.

I remember him crying once when mum was being particularly awful, and going ‘I’m weak, I’m a weak man’. And it’s utterly heartbreaking to say, but he is. He could have properly looked after us and stood up for us, but he never did. And as a child I actually felt sorry for him and saw him like one of us, as a victim of NM.

This is so awful, @Radishyellow, I’m so sorry. 💐

@Radishyellow what a disgusting thing to say to someone, let alone a daughter. Such a graphic image to put out there and then to laugh about it is just sick.

The realisation that your enabling parent is just as toxic, or maybe even more so, is an awful pill to swallow. I used to think my father was also her victim, he would acknowledge to me that she was wrong sometimes but would always encourage me to “be the bigger person” and apologise. I was destined for a life of anxiety really when you think about it. What kind of life lesson is that to teach a child, don’t stand up for yourself, just roll over and take all the shit in the world- and take it from you parent, the person/people who should never have treated you that way. No wonder I became a world class people pleaser. It’s disgusting how they erode that innate sense of self worth and esteem in you. My own father was quite physically violent at times so I don’t really understand how I viewed him as the “good parent” really, that in itself is sad.

Can I ask those of you who have gone NC how you deal with the shame and guilt of it? Recently, due to awful, disrespectful, unhinged (turning up at my kids school, neighbourhood etc when LC) behaviour from parents and sibling I’ve had to cut contact. I literally had no choice, my mental health was being affected again. I have truly accepted that they will never change. My therapist used the word “insane” to describe them. Anyway, I can’t help but feel like that “bad girl” again, causing all this trouble, upsetting everyone. I just know I don’t want to see them again but I’m struggling with my feelings around it.

Goodness, yes.

It wasn’t until long after he died and well into my adulthood that I realised my father enabled her too. I loved him dearly but looking back he used to say things like, “Try not to upset your mother, you know what she’s like” when really he should have been defending me. I can honestly say I wasn’t ever a naughty child, I was too petrified to be and spent my childhood anticipating the next accusation of some perceived misdemeanour I was supposed to have committed.

I learnt to automatically assume guilt, even if I had done nothing wrong because I was brought up to believe ‘adults are always right’ therefore if something had angered her, it had to be me as I had no siblings so it must be my fault.

@junebugalice If I had my time again, I would definitely have gone NC and if you can, do - both for your mental health and that of your family. Unfortunately, it’s a bit of a double whammy because not only do you have your own feelings to deal with, but those who haven’t got an NP don’t get why someone would cut off their own parent or even some close family members who are under their spell and think the narc is wonderful.

You have taken a huge step forward in recognising they will never change too. I wasted so much time overthinking whether it was me and maybe I wasn’t patient enough, handling her correctly or perhaps I just wasn’t a very nice person. The fact you’re still concerned about upsetting everyone and your NP doesn’t care about and rides roughshod over your sensitivities says it all.

I agree with everyone on here. Trust and follow your own instincts regardless. We’re all sold an image of the ideal parent/child relationship so we feel guilty that we’ve not achieved this ideal, but it’s not our fault, it’s parents that screwed it up by their actions. Easier said than done I know as I still struggle with massive anxiety despite having a wonderful DH and DCs.

I left my first unhappy marriage in my mid 20s and when I so needed her support, my narc mother made it all about how selfish I was, how I had ruined everyone else’s life with my ‘stupid’ decision, that I should go back and have a baby and how ‘embarrassed’ she was by my behaviour. I went NC for about 6 months but was persuaded by other family members to rebuild bridges. I wish I had ignored them and stayed away as she wormed her way back in and continued to try manipulate and play mind games with me right up until her death in 2020 (when she died, I never shed a tear, just felt total relief although unfortunately her legacy still lives on in my mind)

@junebugalice - I went NC with my DM just after my father died. Not that she ever took the hint. I eventually unplugged the landline. Neither her nor her family ever understood (except one dearly missed uncle). But they had all but cut me off anyway.

I had the "it's just what she's like" thing for decades and if I did tell them anything they found it hard to believe even though she was vile to them.

I did feel shame going NC but then I've felt shame for not having a mother for decades. Most people thankfully have at least a half decent mother. By the time I went NC I hated her. I still do. But it saved me because I no longer had to deal with her questioning my choices or decisions whilst never offering any help or support. And time moves on and I felt better and better about it. Because there was no point in having that relationship. She would be cruel and laugh at any upset or ridicule or hang up the phone about any achievement. I refused to continue being her punching bag.

I have been questioned about the decision and I was told I only have one mother. Alright then. You have her and I'll have yours and see how long it takes you. It's so easy for others to be judgemental. If they are with your decision let them. We know the truth and we have your back.

Her side of the family insist I look like her and when I say I don't (because I don't) they always say she was so pretty when she was young. As if that's the problem.

When I was clearing out her house there wasn't one single photo of me. She had photos of her great nephews on display. Children she had never even met. That summed it all up really.

I still desperately miss my DF. But I'm glad she's dead and I'm still angry about her.

We all deserved so much better.

@Radishyellow - that's truly dreadful but it's something my DM would have said and done. The reason your DM did that was because you looked gorgeous, you had attention and she was jealous.

My DM would insult or upset me and then laugh too. She was a fat blob with shit clothes who thought she looked like a movie star. She was convinced and told me so that I was fat. I'm not. I've always been considerably smaller than her.

It's so upsetting because we are not like that. We are pleased for people especially our DC. I'm always telling my 2 (I have a DS and a DSD) how much I love them, how great they look or are, how proud I am of them.

We know the world is a hard place so I try my best to soften it for my DC.

As these threads attest (and they are brilliant) these nasty spiteful bitches are all the same. And yet they all thought they were unique!

@user1471538283 Maybe it’s part of being a narcissist, but my DM seemed to have the absolute opposite of body dysmorphia. She was also very large - nothing wrong with that - but seemed to think she was a sylph like thing and was always telling me how much weight she had lost and how her clothes ‘fall off’ her. She always looked exactly the same to me.

She felt she could comment freely on others and how ‘X is SO fat, I look like a waif next to her’ and ‘I would hate to be that big’ But she was no different! She could never say anything kind about another woman’s appearance either. Whatever they wore was ‘too young’ ‘looked cheap’ ‘didn’t suit them’ etc etc. If I mentioned how attractive someone looked, it was always, ‘Well, I wouldn’t want to look like that’

She thought she was drop dead gorgeous to men as well and would simper and fawn over any male, including my DH, which was hilarious as he was only tolerated her because she was family. She never got the fact that most men were just being polite putting up with her embarrassing flirting and not because they were overcome with lust!

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas our NMs sound so similar. Mine has always made horrible comments about others’ weight or appearances (mainly women’s, obviously), and has also been embarrassingly flirty with very inappropriate men, eg. she seemed to relish her friend’s sons’ attention and saw it as flirting - one of them was her godson! I was a few years younger than them and remember cringing myself inside out over it.

Thankfully she doesn’t do it with my DH, but she does with my sister’s partner - he’s Italian and a pilot, so much more exciting 🙄

Oh yes my DM would comment about others being fat or not pretty including small children or not knowing what looked good. And everyone wanted her. When she was rejected she proclaimed bitterly about men. This usually coincided with her latest affair or whatever they were dumping her.

Actually it rings bells why she hated my bfs. The two she met she hated. But of course they didn't fancy her. I could never imagine thinking my DSD's bf fancied me!

She hated anyone having anything including me. I've done well academically but not because I was clever oh no. Because it was easy. But when she did try to do 2 GCSEs she failed them both and I found this out after she died. I've had good jobs, again because it's easy. From a woman who had only worked very briefly in grocery stores or cafes (not that there is anything wrong with jobs like this) before she was let go. But that was their fault because they were threatened by her. Of course.

The stress of buying my first home myself on my own. Easy. From the woman who had never bought a house. And my home was only 2 bedrooms so far too small.

Constant negativity about everything and a weird justification through her jealousy.

Yep.

Women have jobs - until they marry. Men have careers. Women who are ambitious/successful are either ‘lesbians’ (yes, she actually said that!) or ‘not very feminine’ - because of course, she herself was too feminine to be successful! Plus, apparently men don’t find successful women attractive. She told me this when I got a promotion in a very male dominated environment. 🙄

I was actively discouraged from going on to sixth form as ‘there’s no point in wasting time on further education’ and as far as she was concerned, the only reason women went to university was to meet their future husbands.

I didn’t find out until years later she had lied massively about her own education and had left school completely unqualified, which was a mystery as for all her faults, she wasn’t actually unintelligent. You’d have thought therefore she would have been keen to ensure her only child/daughter had more opportunities and encouragement than she did - but no.