I don’t think I can forgive this

[Confusedhusband87]

Need advice more than ever- I want to be sure I’m not overreacting.

As my wife works away, my Mother in law comes down for a couple of days to help look after our son (3 years old) when he is not in nursery- this is something we have had in place for some time.

The relationship between my MiL and myself isn’t amazing (I had raised concerns about her struggling to look after our son and she took it badly and it lead to serious family conflict but that’s a whole other box of frogs)

Earlier this week, I arrived home to find my front door wide open, MiLs car gone , and our son Standing in the drive way visibly distraught and wet.

after I confirmed that MiL was not in the house (taking my son with me) i went to load my son into My car, which was nice and warm.

At that point my MiL drove up the drive way - When I asked her why she had left my son alone and that I had found him outside , she responded that she was sorry but she had told him she would only be a few minutes.

I did some quick maths and came to the conclusion that the nearest shop is 5 mins by car but factoring in getting there , getting the items and coming back, it was 15-20 mins at minimum.

as we went inside she nonchalantly apologies for “putting him in danger “ and went up stairs.

I later confronted her about it again, in a calm manner asking for an explanation.

MiL acknowledged my concerns, again, in a very nonchalant manner and informed me that she would would be leaving and would not be returning.

when I asked, why she didn’t just take him with her she replied “He didn’t want to come”

because I have previously been in a situation where it is my word against my Mil - I recorded the conversation- mainly for two reasons 1. To show my wife the odd behaviour, as I am partially convinced this is a health related thing and 2. To have some evidence about what was said to avoid any shenanigans later down the line.

she then approach my son and spoke to him as if she would never see him again then left.

I got quite angry inside as I felt this was MiL playing a bit of psychological game.
I have spoken to my wife and she will be speaking to her mum when she gets back.

personally I feel that what has happened is a step too far, and until I’m satisfied with an explanation, I will be looking to ensure my son is not left with MiL unsupervised.

to say that I am absolutely furious is an understatement - and MiL nonchalant- stroppy response has really set my teeth to grind.

im equally angry at myself …I saw things that concerned me over a year ago but when I tried to push it , I had MiL, BiL, and even wife telling me I was overreacting and that ultimately lead to a huge family rift.

I keep thinking of little James Bulger and how his parents would have never in a million years expected to experience what happened.

She clearly has cognitive problems and whether that is medical related or just her personality it doesn't really matter. The whole family seem in denial so I doubt any suggestion of a Dr's appointment would be accepted.

She just can't have sole care, ever. Your wife will surely agree.

You say you think it could be medical, so whether I could forgive would be based on this. She would never ever ever be left in charge of him again though, and that would be my hill to die on. 3yrs old!!!

I wish I could go down this route, but she openly admitted to what she did - even got it on video.

there didn’t seem to be any confusion over what she did on her part.

You're absolutely right to be concerned. There is something clearly wrong with her.

That is dreadful of her. What she did was potentially endanger your son. I am genuinely shocked.

Jesus Christ. She left a toddler on the driveway, the door wide open - your MIL must have some very serious mental problems to think that was acceptable. "He didn't want to go"?? 3 year old kids don't get to choose if/where/when/how. Anything at all could have happened. I'd NEVER leave your child with her again. She isn't normal and she isn't safe. Dementia might be a possibility.

Why does it make any difference? The outcome is the same - she can't have unsupervised contact, ever.

It's hard to believe that any adult, with no mental health, learning difficulties or dementia would actually do this. She clearly needs help.

I definitely wouldn't allow her unsupervised contact.

And do you honestly think that your wife would be happy for her to be in sole charge again? Because if she is it's not just mil who's batshit.

It’s absolutely unforgivable.

Forget all the stuff about dementia. It’s possible, though unlikely at only 69. BUT as you say, she wasn’t confused when she got back. She was lucid, she didn’t get lost, she admitted that she left a 3 year old completely alone while she went off to buy flour. She knew what she was doing.

Even if it’s dementia, IT’S IRRELEVANT because whatever the reason she did it, she’ll never be left alone with your child again. Thank god you have the option of more nursery time.

Her health (if she does have a health issue) is not your problem. Only your son’s safety is, and you can fix that easily. Don’t waste time having conversations about whether she should see her GP. She can’t be trusted and you can afford alternative childcare. Would you trust her not to say “I went to the GP and he says I’m fine” even if she isn’t? Would your wife believe her? Just don’t go there.

It’s extremely concerning that your wife doesn’t seem to believe you when you raise concerns. You may need to absolutely read the riot act to your wife if she tries to minimise this in her usual “it’s how she is” manner, which incidentally suggests that far from losing her cognitive function, this is normal behaviour for your MIL.

Please don’t beat yourself up. Just make plans for safe childcare for your son and don’t worry about anyone else.

Wow. Well whatever the reason that’s the end of unsupervised contact! I have a 3yr old and this makes my blood run cold.

Do any of your neighbours have ring doorbells or cctv so you can see how long she was gone for? Not that it would make a difference.

I agree - both paths lead to same outcome ….I guess it just gauges my future response….if it turns out to be sheer negligence , I will never speak to her again.

Omg just no! I’d never let her be the adult in charge of my child ever again

I think of myself as fairly relaxed but no way on earth would I leave a three year old by themselves in a house (except to do things like out a bin out, but you're not really leaving the premises for that).

I wouldn't cut all contact (apart from anything else, if it later comes out that she does have dementia, you'll feel terrible and so will your wife) but she's clearly not able to safely look after your child.

Lovely and thoughtful response. OP it is incredibly hard to stand up to your own mother at the best of times, but if they’re domineering or narcissistic it’s can be nigh on impossible. Especially when, as you’ve seen, the person literally just feels hard done by as if YOU’RE the one out of order. You wife might try to downplay it due to this. Or just want it swept under the carpet. So don’t expect her to kick off at her mother and shout her down etc, she might see no point. But she SHOULD have your back. She should agree that her mother is either neglectful or not well. The most important thing is that you both refuse point blank to have this woman ever have your child in her charge. Even for a minute. And your wife needs to back you on this even if she tread slightly with her mother.

If you think there’s the slightest chance she will side with her mother, or secretly leave your son with her, I would report the situation to social services or police or whoever (someone more knowledgeable on here could advise you better) because (especially if you two break up) then there would be no record of this situation and nothing you could use to help you keep her mother away from being alone with him.

like this poster said, your son is safe and you are a good father. Don’t blame yourself

Never ever leave your child alone with her again

My heart hopes that she would side with me on this …if not, then we have another big problem

You are incredibly lucky you don't have social services on your doorstep for leaving your child in the hands of someone clearly irresponsible. I would never allow unsupervised contact again

Your wife needs to pick sides?

You know something? You are right …I had concerns before and I let my wife’s family bully me into silence.

never again.

I sincerely hope not

You have not over reacted, also it’s not you that caused a rift in the family.

I think you should sit down with your wife and talk about this seriously when she gets back. I don’t mean blame her, just make it absolutely clear that your child isn’t looked after properly by her mother.

If MIL decides she will never see her grandson that’s on her, she is responsible for her behaviour and her decisions.

Good luck.

She sounds like an absolute psycho, OP. Do not let her take care of your child again no matter what anyone says.

Prioritise your child over everything.

If your wife excuses the behaviour then you need to address that very seriously.

My neighbours ring didn’t cover it .. I did the math and concluded at a minimum it would have been about 15 mins