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Original poster

I don’t think I can forgive this

372 replies

Confusedhusband87 · 10/10/2023 18:06

Need advice more than ever- I want to be sure I’m not overreacting.

As my wife works away, my Mother in law comes down for a couple of days to help look after our son (3 years old) when he is not in nursery- this is something we have had in place for some time.

The relationship between my MiL and myself isn’t amazing (I had raised concerns about her struggling to look after our son and she took it badly and it lead to serious family conflict but that’s a whole other box of frogs)

Earlier this week, I arrived home to find my front door wide open, MiLs car gone , and our son Standing in the drive way visibly distraught and wet.

after I confirmed that MiL was not in the house (taking my son with me) i went to load my son into My car, which was nice and warm.

At that point my MiL drove up the drive way - When I asked her why she had left my son alone and that I had found him outside , she responded that she was sorry but she had told him she would only be a few minutes.

I did some quick maths and came to the conclusion that the nearest shop is 5 mins by car but factoring in getting there , getting the items and coming back, it was 15-20 mins at minimum.

as we went inside she nonchalantly apologies for “putting him in danger “ and went up stairs.

I later confronted her about it again, in a calm manner asking for an explanation.

MiL acknowledged my concerns, again, in a very nonchalant manner and informed me that she would would be leaving and would not be returning.

when I asked, why she didn’t just take him with her she replied “He didn’t want to come”

because I have previously been in a situation where it is my word against my Mil - I recorded the conversation- mainly for two reasons 1. To show my wife the odd behaviour, as I am partially convinced this is a health related thing and 2. To have some evidence about what was said to avoid any shenanigans later down the line.

she then approach my son and spoke to him as if she would never see him again then left.

I got quite angry inside as I felt this was MiL playing a bit of psychological game.
I have spoken to my wife and she will be speaking to her mum when she gets back.

personally I feel that what has happened is a step too far, and until I’m satisfied with an explanation, I will be looking to ensure my son is not left with MiL unsupervised.

to say that I am absolutely furious is an understatement - and MiL nonchalant- stroppy response has really set my teeth to grind.

im equally angry at myself …I saw things that concerned me over a year ago but when I tried to push it , I had MiL, BiL, and even wife telling me I was overreacting and that ultimately lead to a huge family rift.

I keep thinking of little James Bulger and how his parents would have never in a million years expected to experience what happened.

OP posts:
Thoughtful2355 · 10/10/2023 18:53

Definitely never let her have sole care ever again. Surely no one is that stupid?? 3? What if someone had driven by and kidnapped the poor child!!! What kind of thing could a 3 yr old have done to protect. They can hardly talk or understand the world let alone keep themselves safe even if it was just 5 mins

Fergie51 · 10/10/2023 18:53

You don’t know if this if the first time your mother in law has done this.
It is staggering and absolutely inexcusable.
Don’t even consider giving her a second chance.

Original poster
Confusedhusband87 · 10/10/2023 18:54

That’s what scares the sh*t out of me - she’s been looking after him since he was a baby

OP posts:

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Octobermeterreadtime · 10/10/2023 18:54

It may just be the way she is but not at the expense of your ds's safety..

Gemstar3 · 10/10/2023 18:54

OP, it sounds like you’re blaming yourself for acting against your gut on this but, throwing in a healthy slice of family politics, you couldn’t take any other approach than “innocent until proven guilty” here, so try to forgive yourself for that.

100% YANBU or overreacting, this was extremely dangerous and you clearly can’t trust her to look after your soon again. Great that you have other options.

Well done for being quick-witted enough to record the convo, sadly it sounds like that will definitely help if/when your wife’s family don’t believe you. In your shoes I think if that does happen I’d go for the broken record technique of “I found our child alone outside while she was out in the car.” Let’s hope this is the catalyst for sorting out an assessment that MiL seemingly needs.

Your wife’s response is crucial now. While you totally deserve for her to have your back here, try to bear in mind how difficult that will inevitably be for her as she navigates the horrible fact that her own mum put her son in danger.

While what happened is truly horrifying, try to ground yourself when it gets tough by reminding yourself that your son is safe now and you’re not going to let anyone do this to him again.

Original poster
Confusedhusband87 · 10/10/2023 18:58

Thankyou for your reply - I agree with everything you have said there- especially about my wife.

DW and MiL are very close , so I can imagine this is difficult for her

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 10/10/2023 18:59

YANBU at all. I have a 2 & 4 year old and there is ZERO chance I’d leave either of them alone in the house.

BlueSky2023 · 10/10/2023 19:00

That is too much, she can’t be left to look after him again, there has to be something wrong with her if she thinks it’s ok to leave a 3yo alone.

It will be interesting to see what your wife has to say.

vapesareforsnakes · 10/10/2023 19:01

There is not an excuse in the world to excuse OR forgive this. Her reaction is very telling too.
(unless he has dementia)

looking4pup · 10/10/2023 19:02

What "explanation" are you waiting for?
In what scenario would you let her off?

Did you come home from work unusually early?

I think your wife needs to encourage her mum to go see a doctor.

Original poster
Confusedhusband87 · 10/10/2023 19:04

No, I didn’t got back about half 5 in the evening.

I have no idea - I’m just so confused

OP posts:
Knitgoodwoman · 10/10/2023 19:06

I’m fairly laid back when it comes to parenting but this is absurd. I’d be furious, incandescent!

My in laws are relaxed and left my 1 year old in a paddling pool alone, then on a beach with a rip tide whilst I was watching and asked for closer supervision… I was made to feel crazy.
I’ve just distanced myself and my children until I know they can look after themselves a bit more. Sad but necessary as my primary role in this world is to protect them. But them first and just put up with the ridiculous come back that may come. Hopefully your wife supports you whole heartedly.

Hubblebubble · 10/10/2023 19:07

I'd be reporting it to the police for child endangerment and to social services too, as possible dementia?

If you don't do these things you could be seen as not properly safeguarding your child.

AvocadotoastORahouse · 10/10/2023 19:07

I don't understand what you're "confused" about - it seems pretty obvious to me, she left a 3 year old home alone and put him in massive potential danger and is a serious risk to his safety so she never has him alone again ever. Simple.

Whattodo112222 · 10/10/2023 19:08

There was a story on Instagram about a grandmother who looked after 2 of her grandkids and both died under her care on two separate occasions... all it takes is one misjudged moment.
That would be the end of the childcare arrangement and the end of unsupervised contact with MIL.

Separately. I would perhaps ask your wife to explore the idea of taking her to the GP as she doesn't sound like she has a grasp of all of her faculties.

Peaceandkindness · 10/10/2023 19:09

I’d report her to the police actually

Whattodo112222 · 10/10/2023 19:09

Also makes me wonder how many times she's left him unsupervised in the past

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2023 19:10

There's no way this was the first time she's left him. My blood ran cold thinking of how badly this scenario could have ended.

This lunatic must never, ever be left alone with your child. If you wife in any way defends her mother, you have much bigger problems on your hands.

rollonretirementfgs · 10/10/2023 19:11

Jesus Christ, I would have knocked the stupid woman out! No way would she ever look after my child again... EVER!!

Stillwaitingfor · 10/10/2023 19:12

Oh my gosh, you are not being unreasonable. That scares the hell out of me. No way should she be in charge of a child ever again. So sorry this happened, it must be really difficult to navigate.

NoSquirrels · 10/10/2023 19:13

What was she buying at the shop? Is there a chance she is an alcoholic? Can present similarly to dementia in terms of erratic behaviour …

LongLiveGoblingKing · 10/10/2023 19:14

It may not be your MIL's fault, as you say this may be dementia. But regardless, as his parent you have to ensure she is never left alone with him again. No matter what your wife says, no matter how sorry MIL is. You're the one who is removed from them enough to know exactly what boundaries need to be in place and you will need to be unwavering. For your DS.

Tlolljs · 10/10/2023 19:14

Makes me shudder to think what could have happened. Don’t want to distress you any further but I bet it’s not the first time she’s left him.

Humbugg · 10/10/2023 19:18

I have a 3 YO and this freaks me out so badly.

I wonder what she was buying at the shops that was so important??

she’s definitely done this before

FirstFallopians · 10/10/2023 19:19

You need to think of what your plan will be if your DW doesn’t take what’s happened as seriously as she should.

If my partner tried to minimise or pass-off a serious incident like this, I’d be weighing up if we had a future anymore.