I don’t think I can forgive this

[Confusedhusband87]

Need advice more than ever- I want to be sure I’m not overreacting.

As my wife works away, my Mother in law comes down for a couple of days to help look after our son (3 years old) when he is not in nursery- this is something we have had in place for some time.

The relationship between my MiL and myself isn’t amazing (I had raised concerns about her struggling to look after our son and she took it badly and it lead to serious family conflict but that’s a whole other box of frogs)

Earlier this week, I arrived home to find my front door wide open, MiLs car gone , and our son Standing in the drive way visibly distraught and wet.

after I confirmed that MiL was not in the house (taking my son with me) i went to load my son into My car, which was nice and warm.

At that point my MiL drove up the drive way - When I asked her why she had left my son alone and that I had found him outside , she responded that she was sorry but she had told him she would only be a few minutes.

I did some quick maths and came to the conclusion that the nearest shop is 5 mins by car but factoring in getting there , getting the items and coming back, it was 15-20 mins at minimum.

as we went inside she nonchalantly apologies for “putting him in danger “ and went up stairs.

I later confronted her about it again, in a calm manner asking for an explanation.

MiL acknowledged my concerns, again, in a very nonchalant manner and informed me that she would would be leaving and would not be returning.

when I asked, why she didn’t just take him with her she replied “He didn’t want to come”

because I have previously been in a situation where it is my word against my Mil - I recorded the conversation- mainly for two reasons 1. To show my wife the odd behaviour, as I am partially convinced this is a health related thing and 2. To have some evidence about what was said to avoid any shenanigans later down the line.

she then approach my son and spoke to him as if she would never see him again then left.

I got quite angry inside as I felt this was MiL playing a bit of psychological game.
I have spoken to my wife and she will be speaking to her mum when she gets back.

personally I feel that what has happened is a step too far, and until I’m satisfied with an explanation, I will be looking to ensure my son is not left with MiL unsupervised.

to say that I am absolutely furious is an understatement - and MiL nonchalant- stroppy response has really set my teeth to grind.

im equally angry at myself …I saw things that concerned me over a year ago but when I tried to push it , I had MiL, BiL, and even wife telling me I was overreacting and that ultimately lead to a huge family rift.

I keep thinking of little James Bulger and how his parents would have never in a million years expected to experience what happened.

This is a wind up

She left your 3 year old home alone? You can NEVER let her be unsupervised with him again.

@Almosthumannow It’s not …you’ll have to forgive the OTT dramatics but it’s one of my worst fears…and the way the world is …just scared the absolute sh*t out of me.

there’s a lot more to that

Not necessarily. James Bulger was born around the same time I had my first. Because of the timing, James has been on my mind many times and I was much more aware in public spaces because of it. Not that James' mother wasn't, but it just made me more aware of the possibilities.

@AyeDeadOn never. I hate myself for not pushing on earlier concerns

@BBQchickensalad something happened to me as child …and when I became a dad …I can’t explain it….something I thought and others thought would never happen , happened to me .

the very implausible became plausible…

the mind goes through weird mental gymnastics

@BBQchickensalad and how old is your oldest now? Jamie Bulger would be in his 30’s now.

If you’re old enough to remember the impact of this case, you’re very unlikely to be the father of a 3 year old 🙄

This is bad.

I think you are confused@BBQchickensalad isn’t claiming to be the father of the 3 year old…..that’s me

No but when I was the mother of a newborn, it impacted me so I did remember it when I did have a three year old. I imagine it would be less in my mind now if I had young children starting from this point. I'm 49, was a young mother, so yes, old enough to remember it all happening while I held my new baby.

Out of interest, what were the earlier concerns you had about MIL that got dismissed?

@Confusedhusband87
I'm so sorry to read/hear what you and your son have gone through. I have a 3 year old and I was compelled to message you. It sounds like you have a plan i.e. you won't let your MIL have unsupervised visits in future, you have the conversation recording and your DW will talk to her mother asap.
I have read all the posts and comments, waiting to find out what happened approx a year ago that worried you about your MIL. The messy house, and now leaving your DS alone and her behaviour afterwards sounds like early signs of dementia or a mental health problem, because as everyone agrees, no sane person would leave a toddler alone.
Please don't listen to the extreme comments about MIL being a btch, gaslighting or reporting to the police immediately. My gran had dementia and some days she was fine and others she wasn't. The change could be in as little as a few minutes, and she would cover up her behaviour because she was in denial about her dementia, and how bad it was. It sounds like your DW and BIL don't want to face the fact their DM could have dementia. Give them all the benefit of the doubt at first and see if they'll visit a GP together (it helps if next of kin can describe some of the behaviour as the MIL may not remember).
You'll need to tread carefully because as you said, if you and your DW split, you won't know what happens when your DS is with her; you may then need to report it to the police. Be nice, but still firm; it can be distressing realising a parent potentially has dementia, or similar.
I think you'd already know if the MIL is a 'total btch'. If you really thought that then surely you would've called the police by now?
If DW and family are reluctant to believe MIL is ill, or to at least see a doctor, then it's for you to decide how to react. As you said, no unsupervised visits for MIL, but then perhaps it's time to get the police involved.
I'm just saying, don't rush into anything... you don't yet know if your MIL is ill and see how your DW's chat goes with her. Good luck! And I hope your son remembers as little of this as possible in the morning.

Yes - it would’ve impacted you…a 49 year old. A very young mum at the time. You were a teenager.

parents of toddlers now? Nah

Its obviously been a difficult day OP but I think you need to draw a line and stop the drama from all sides.

The outcome is simply that MIL cannot be trusted to look after your child unsupervised.

Nothing can be said to change that fact.

The result of the above is that you and your wife need to source alternative childcare provision.

This is not "sacking" grandma. It's an appropriate safeguarding response as a parent - which if you failed to take and harm came to your child would rightly result in questions being asked by social services as to you and your wife's ability/willingness to parent appropriately and safely in respect of decision making.

The reasons for her actions at this time are irrelevant.

Don't further complicate matters by trying to understand or untangle her state of mind or let others try to blindside side you by doing this.

Priory one is to get alternative childcare in place and then deal with any fallout after this has been sorted.

I'd also advise against saying you'll never speak to her again. I understand how furious/upset you must be but you need to think long term.

Pick your battles - die on the hill of keeping your son safe but don't wage war on MIL to the point of putting other relationships in jeopardy.

I have a toddler and I often think about that case it was horrific!!! I live in Australia and wasn’t old enough to know about it at the time. I only heard about James about 5 years ago but it is something I certainly think/ fear about now as a parent ….. it’s a parents worst nightmare

@PivotPivotmakingmargaritas
I think about Jamie Bulger or Madeleine McCann, or other horrific things under scary circumstances or near misses too!
I both am old enough to remember the Jamie Bulger case and my children are all under 9. My youngest is a baby.
It was a horrific case, so it’s remained in the public psyche like a lot of major events do tend to! It has been brought up many times over 30 years because it was atrocious.
I don’t think it’s unusual to think of the worst case scenario either!
I was 6/7 during the Jamie Bulger crime, it was around my birthday and the news coverage was immense!
Actually OP, if it was my 3 year old I’d probably find out what he was watching/doing when she left as that might give you a good timeline if he was watching a particular program. Some are about 5-15 minute programs, so at least you’d know?

I was 18. Not so much now, I can see that, but people can get fixated on certain things. You have to admit that this is a case that the media does like to bring up over and over due to the unique circumstances of it. I can only imagine how hard that is for James' poor family.

I think media coverage of the anniversaries of major events definitely makes me remember where I was in my life when the event happened. And when my children or grandchildren have been a similar age to a child in a news story I naturally can imagine the other child more clearly.

If a "connection" between parts of her brain are damaged, it is quite possible for her to be medically/mentally unsound and act like it was no big deal because that connection is broken and her mind thinks that abnormal behavior is normal. That could explain why she acted so nonplussed when confronted.

Or she is a massive idiot/twat.

You know, if you are going to try and troll-hunt; you'd best be getting the things straight. @BBQchickensalad isn't the one with the three-year-old. You can always try a pie chart or just sthu.

Maybe give your head a wobble. FFS 🙄

Wrong again!

I know many young parents here in the states and when they lose sight of their child for even a couple of seconds, Adam Walsh springs to mind.

You are wrong a lot. Might want to get that looked at. shrug

personally I feel that what has happened is a step too far, and until I’m satisfied with an explanation, I will be looking to ensure my son is not left with MiL unsupervised.eptable
There is no explanation or apology she can possibly make that would mean it was safe to leave your 3 year old with her unsupervised again. This is completely unacceptable.

I'd be very concerned that she's done this before, and her cool, calm response is a response to being caught out, rather than realising she's made a mistake.

I also suspect she's done this in an attempt to teach your child a lesson, could he have been kicking off a bit about not wanting to go to the shops so she's said 'well then I'll leave you behind'... backed herself into a corner and then followed through on it... (another indication she's not really able to cope with looking after such a young child).

Theres no way I'd let her have sole supervision of him again - either she's not well or she thinks this is appropriate and will simply endeavour not to get caught next time.

It's not just about lucidity, there are other faceats to dementia, like a possible loss of inhibitions. I don't know if that could cover something like this, a doctor could give you a better idea if this could be caused by something like dementia. It would make no difference in terms of her ability to look after DC, as either way she's not an appropriate carer for him anymore, but obviously that could make a big difference to how you view her and whether you can have a relationship with her going forward.

I understand why you're stuck on they possibility because of how horrific it is, but there are horrible outcomes that are less unlikely that might get a more understanding response on here or when talking to DW/MIL/BIL. Front door was open, so he could have wandered off, got hit by a car, gotten lost and not found in time. He could have also fallen or hurt himself badly inside the house.