I don’t think I can forgive this

[Confusedhusband87]

Need advice more than ever- I want to be sure I’m not overreacting.

As my wife works away, my Mother in law comes down for a couple of days to help look after our son (3 years old) when he is not in nursery- this is something we have had in place for some time.

The relationship between my MiL and myself isn’t amazing (I had raised concerns about her struggling to look after our son and she took it badly and it lead to serious family conflict but that’s a whole other box of frogs)

Earlier this week, I arrived home to find my front door wide open, MiLs car gone , and our son Standing in the drive way visibly distraught and wet.

after I confirmed that MiL was not in the house (taking my son with me) i went to load my son into My car, which was nice and warm.

At that point my MiL drove up the drive way - When I asked her why she had left my son alone and that I had found him outside , she responded that she was sorry but she had told him she would only be a few minutes.

I did some quick maths and came to the conclusion that the nearest shop is 5 mins by car but factoring in getting there , getting the items and coming back, it was 15-20 mins at minimum.

as we went inside she nonchalantly apologies for “putting him in danger “ and went up stairs.

I later confronted her about it again, in a calm manner asking for an explanation.

MiL acknowledged my concerns, again, in a very nonchalant manner and informed me that she would would be leaving and would not be returning.

when I asked, why she didn’t just take him with her she replied “He didn’t want to come”

because I have previously been in a situation where it is my word against my Mil - I recorded the conversation- mainly for two reasons 1. To show my wife the odd behaviour, as I am partially convinced this is a health related thing and 2. To have some evidence about what was said to avoid any shenanigans later down the line.

she then approach my son and spoke to him as if she would never see him again then left.

I got quite angry inside as I felt this was MiL playing a bit of psychological game.
I have spoken to my wife and she will be speaking to her mum when she gets back.

personally I feel that what has happened is a step too far, and until I’m satisfied with an explanation, I will be looking to ensure my son is not left with MiL unsupervised.

to say that I am absolutely furious is an understatement - and MiL nonchalant- stroppy response has really set my teeth to grind.

im equally angry at myself …I saw things that concerned me over a year ago but when I tried to push it , I had MiL, BiL, and even wife telling me I was overreacting and that ultimately lead to a huge family rift.

I keep thinking of little James Bulger and how his parents would have never in a million years expected to experience what happened.

You are 100% doing the right thing. My DC also have no unsupervised contact with one grandparent (although not for the same reason). It’s hard but for DC’s protection it is the only solution. Thankfully my DH and I present a united front on that. Hopefully your wife will realise the severity of it and come to the same conclusion.

I hope your wife recognises the seriousness of this situation. And that she urges your MIL to seek help and a diagnosis as this is not normal behaviour at all.

@Confusedhusband87 sending my support. When my Dad was showing early signs of dementia, before my brother and I had even considered that might be a possibility, we were 'uncomfortable' about certain situations. We agreed between us that my Dad would no longer be allowed to drive his car with any of the grandchildren with him.

When other minor things started happening we put two and two together and we were able to get him to his gp for the eventual diagnosis. Luckily my brother and I were on the same side so we didn't have any difficult differing of opinions.

We had to do similar when my mum, some years earlier, had something going on. She couldn't temper certain things, but didn't seem fazed by not being able to remember. I was in the car with her one evening and I thought there's something wrong going on here. Not enough to be certain but my thought process was if someone had told me she had had a mini stroke then I wouldn't be surprised. Turns out she had had a few tias. Not big enough for drastic noticible changes but something just off.

I'm rambling but my point is stand by your gut instinct. Your gut instinct was something not quite right and now you have very visible proof, in that she put your child in danger. Do not let this slide. Do not let anyone minimise this. The possible outcome could have been horrific.

If it turns out to be a medical issue then as you say you may get passed this. If it was just ignorant negligence then I too would not forgive.

I hope you and your DW can be on the same page as each other. It will make the coming months and any decisions to be made more easier.

Completely agree with what you've said ...

I was in a cafe recently & there were 2 older women, 60's with a toddler 2 - 3 years old I'd guess.

One lady was talking a back seat, the other clearly in charge and her 'way' with the child was irking me.

Very much old ways 'sit down, be quiet, behave' and lots 'you're naughty, stop it, right thats it! No cake, no toy, no no no!

No affection, no interaction, no engagement, no encouragement.

Then the 'everyone is looking at you because you're a naughty boy' ... no lady, I'm looking at you because you're just awful and shouldn't be the carer for this child who you clearly can't cope with.

Regarding OP - I thought the same - caught out and called out behaviour/reaction not confused/dementia behaviour.

She sounds like she's been manipulating her family for ... ever. So, you'll need to tread gently & be firm on your child's safety but supportive of your wife while those comes to reckoning.

On the subject of Jamie Bulger. There was no evil in that case ... just damaged children and adults who didn't do the right thing.

I totally agree with you OP. Something going on with MIL. Good for you for recording and don’t leave your child with her again!

That is absolutely appalling OP, with a son a similar age I can only imagine the way that must have made you feel! It’s so lucky that nothing awful happened 😞 to be honest, I’d never have MIL near him ever again. It’s almost impossible that this is the first time she’s left him and to be so casual about it is terrible. It may be that she has something medically going on, but I’m afraid I’d have to put my child’s safety and well-being above all else. It does concern me that you don’t seem sure that your wife will be 100% on your side about this, I guess there’s very complicated family dynamics at play. Hope she’s reasonable about this, despite it being her mother. Stay strong on this.

If my child appeared physically fine after me checking him over (just distressed) I would see no need for a professional check.

We are not saying it's happenedin one day. She may have the beginnings of dementia which can mean long periods of competency then occasional lapses of very poor decision making like this one. We also don't know this was the first event like this - OP only knows because he happened to come home and find out. She may have been neglecting her grandson in various ways before this and never found out.

OP has explained the phone thing - he knew he might have a battle to be believed.

And again ... OP has explained his wife is working in the North Sea - presumably oil rigs - I know lots of folk in this industry and connections can be poor, long shifts, etc.

If you think this is a troll, just report. Stop trying to pick holes in things that have already been explained in OP posts.

She is out of order.
She has given you an explanation.

She asked him to come to the shops. He said no.
She said ok I'll be 5 minutes. She may have e taken longer and then he got scared and went out.

Older people think it's ok to leave kids alone. They did it with us.

But it isn't. She may be unwell or just a boomer generation that thinks it's ok.

Don't think you should worry too much about abduction. That's so unlikely.
It was more normal to leave kids alone in houses in the house in the 50/60's. No childcare then!

Omg. 3 years old. That's horrendous

Ageism rife again on MN

No I never ever left my 3yr old alone or when they were 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 or even 12

Stop with the boomer shit it is getting so fucking tiresome

Hi @Confusedhusband87 just wondering how you are getting on with everything ? X

I’ve a 7 year old and I had that MIL with her supportive family around her that she could do no wrong. She drove me absolutely insane. Nobody could question her. The mental damage it did to me is a whole other story.

Me and my child’s father split. She then had full control. She messed up and our child ended up in hospital. He was okay thankfully. But her son started questioning her ways then and understood me more.

if I witnessed what you did the other day I’d have gone absolutely crazy. What she did was not only illegal but put your child in such a dangerous position. Of course every single possibility went through your mind.

sit down with your wife and just make her know how you feel about this. What you felt when you saw your little boy. Don’t mention the cow of a MIL. This is up to your wife now.

worst comes to worse and you split you can most definitely state MIL is not capable of keeping your baby safe. Back up your evidence in an email or google drive.

sorry you have to go through this.

What!? I'm 40. I was 6 when James Bulger was killed.

My mother was understandably terrified by it, and her parenting was affected accordingly.

That's how I (and I expect most people my age) grew up. Being parented, and learning how to parent, because of 'what if'. Before that mum would leablve me outside the shop in my pram if it couldn't fit through the door.

I've spent my life hearing every news report as paroles, and '10 years ago today', and releases from prison, and new identities, reoffending, reimprisonment, all of it has played out in the news in my living memory.

It was even a case study taught during my A Levels.

All of this means that poor little boy is in the back of my mind when I parent my now 6 year old.

Well hopefully @Confusedhusband87 wife will by now have backed him up and moving forward they and BIL will be looking at helping MIL with any issues she may have with a clear eye

Hi all - just an update

Conversation With DW went well - we were petty aligned on things moving forward.

we are now going to focus on working with MiL - we are both concerned that something isn’t right ..and we want to make sure she is ok

That sounds good. Wishing you all the best going forward

That's how I (and I expect most people my age) grew up. Being parented, and learning how to parent, because of 'what if'. Before that mum would leablve me outside the shop in my pram if it couldn't fit through the door

I'm more than 10 years older than you, and my mum didn't need a high-profile child abduction and murder to tell her how to keep us safe. None of us was ever left in a pram outside a shop!

@Confusedhusband87 pleased to hear that you're both in agreement. Best wishes going forward.

Thanks for the update OP, really to hear you’re on the same page and hope your MiL is ok too.

"im equally angry at myself …I saw things that concerned me over a year ago but when I tried to push it , I had MiL, BiL, and even wife telling me I was overreacting and that ultimately lead to a huge family rift."

Please don't get angry at yourself over this. Unfortunately some things are out of our control and this situation is one of them.
Your MIL should not have any access to your child unsupervised again and I think she needs to provide a proper explanation why she has done what she did.
Bizarre behaviour, and very dangerous.
My first thought is, what else has she done.