I don’t think I can forgive this

[Confusedhusband87]

Need advice more than ever- I want to be sure I’m not overreacting.

As my wife works away, my Mother in law comes down for a couple of days to help look after our son (3 years old) when he is not in nursery- this is something we have had in place for some time.

The relationship between my MiL and myself isn’t amazing (I had raised concerns about her struggling to look after our son and she took it badly and it lead to serious family conflict but that’s a whole other box of frogs)

Earlier this week, I arrived home to find my front door wide open, MiLs car gone , and our son Standing in the drive way visibly distraught and wet.

after I confirmed that MiL was not in the house (taking my son with me) i went to load my son into My car, which was nice and warm.

At that point my MiL drove up the drive way - When I asked her why she had left my son alone and that I had found him outside , she responded that she was sorry but she had told him she would only be a few minutes.

I did some quick maths and came to the conclusion that the nearest shop is 5 mins by car but factoring in getting there , getting the items and coming back, it was 15-20 mins at minimum.

as we went inside she nonchalantly apologies for “putting him in danger “ and went up stairs.

I later confronted her about it again, in a calm manner asking for an explanation.

MiL acknowledged my concerns, again, in a very nonchalant manner and informed me that she would would be leaving and would not be returning.

when I asked, why she didn’t just take him with her she replied “He didn’t want to come”

because I have previously been in a situation where it is my word against my Mil - I recorded the conversation- mainly for two reasons 1. To show my wife the odd behaviour, as I am partially convinced this is a health related thing and 2. To have some evidence about what was said to avoid any shenanigans later down the line.

she then approach my son and spoke to him as if she would never see him again then left.

I got quite angry inside as I felt this was MiL playing a bit of psychological game.
I have spoken to my wife and she will be speaking to her mum when she gets back.

personally I feel that what has happened is a step too far, and until I’m satisfied with an explanation, I will be looking to ensure my son is not left with MiL unsupervised.

to say that I am absolutely furious is an understatement - and MiL nonchalant- stroppy response has really set my teeth to grind.

im equally angry at myself …I saw things that concerned me over a year ago but when I tried to push it , I had MiL, BiL, and even wife telling me I was overreacting and that ultimately lead to a huge family rift.

I keep thinking of little James Bulger and how his parents would have never in a million years expected to experience what happened.

And you need to stick with the facts of your situation and not deal with 'what ifs'.

It's the kind of thing I could have heard about in my professional context and I'd only have been interested in the facts. If you started on with other cases with no relevance to your own, I'd have seen you as a bit hysterical and assume you'd calm down once the shock wore off. The facts are what matter and what give you the strongest argument. The chances of your child being picked up by a stranger are so much less than the chances of him wandering onto the road or having some sort of accident in the house.

If he was my son she'd never be let near him again.

You’re not over reacting. I think she maybe has dementia ?

She has to live with GETTING CAUGHT doing what she did. She may have done it before but either way it wasn’t any bother to her until caught.

@Confusedhusband87

I keep asking myself “why?”
”Because he didn’t want to go” is a shitty comeback and a pathetic excuse, particularly from a grandmother.
What rational, sane adult leaves a 3-yr-old at home alone for any reason at all?

*NO RATIONAL, SANE ADULT LEAVES A 3-YR-OLD AT HOME ALONE FOR ANY REASON AT ALL.

This is your baby boy. Let your BIL & MIL make arseholes of themselves - that’s none of your never mind. What IS your business is the safety and well-being of your son and ONLY the safety and well-being of your son.

Your little boy is okay and the rest is just noise — like the radio sounds when it’s in between stations.

@SirVixofVixHall I was so appreciative of the help that my MiL offered , it truly meant a lot, but the rule appeared to be “I’ll help , but you cannot question me”

that rule cannot apply when it comes to my DS

This is definitely a hill to die on. I'd never let my MIL alone with my child again.

When I was 2-3 I received a serious burn and cut myself while left unattended. Kids that age need a watchful adult at all times. There is no defense for this.

@BBQchickensalad I blame myself - I should have been stronger when I originally voiced my concerns a couple of years prior

Absolutely, and yes ‘credibility’ is the word I was searching for.

@Confusedhusband87
No-one here is disagreeing with the fact your MiL should not have left him alone. Your problem is convincing DW & BIL and some of us are trying to help you with that. Your attitude to those posters is quite telling, and I do wonder if this is why you haven’t been ‘heard’ when you’ve raised your concerns before.

I don't know what happened before but don't be too hard on yourself. This wasn't your bad judgement call - it was your MIL's. Now that it's happened, you are going to advocate for your son to make sure it can't happen again.

@Confusedhusband87 If your wife doesn’t support you in this, I think you need to inform social services (and perhaps police) about what has happened and your wife’s refusal to accept her mother was negligent. Your marriage would probably be over, but I’m pretty sure you would get sole custody of your dear son, especially given that there would be a risk that your wife could allow her mother to look after your son, which is a risk to his safety.

I just get the feeling, from what you have said, that your wife isn’t going to back you up as fully as she should. I really hope I am wrong though. Please, do not let her make any excuses for her mother and how sorry she is for her behaviour, which they (dw, mil and bil) would say will never happen again. Your wife needs to understand that you aren’t going to buckle down and give in like last time and the only way to ensure nothing like this would ever happen again, is if there is no opportunity for it to happen. In other words, your wife needs to fully agree with you that her mother will never ever see your son again unsupervised.

Would you be willing to say what your previous concerns were OP?

@McIntire let me enlighten you - you think about the worst thing that could happen , and that is one of them …however Improbable.

how many times do we hear “never thought it would happen” and it did.

in order to impart the utter seriousness of something , you have to use the most extreme example…especially if you’re dealing with someone who doesnt seem to grasp the seriousness of it.

You can wonder all you like - you have your opinion I have mines.

thank you for your contribution.

I would have called Police on her - its not ok for her to leave a child alone no matter how long for and she shoud have just put child in her car even if he didnt want to go - its not his choice.

Yes I also thought the same thing.

Your MIL is actually so unreasonable that it’s shocking. Leaving a 3 year old at home in itself is awful and should never had happened let alone him being able to actually leave the house!

I don’t really see why you’ve mentioned James Bulger even though you’ve explained why. I don’t think you actually need to bring him up in order to state your point

Actually, going to the most extreme example will not serve you. People will stop listening if you seem to be ranting or extreme. I think you should take on board this poster's comment about why you might have been dismissed before. This is the last I'll say about it but stick with the facts. MIL left your child alone and placed them in serious danger. You don't need to say what those dangers are. We all know. There is sometimes more power in saying less, strongly and factually, not emotively, than in outlining every possible scenario. I think anyone just needs: "MIL left our child alone while she went out. I found him on the driveway with no adult present. This placed him at serious risk of harm. She should never be allowed to care for him unsupervised again," is all that is needed.

@IcedBananas when DS was staying MiL house - I would drive up every week (different cities , so I would drive up)

I would go into a house that was in disarray, messy, out of date food in the fridge etc…

so I would go up , do a bit of tidying up , cook tea and essentially help out.

I highlighted to DW that MiL was, In My opinion, struggling - this would be met with accusations of “Looking for excuses to have a go at MiL”

OP can you ask your little boy if he was ever alone before ?
It sounds as though she wanted to go to the shop, he was possibly digging his heels in and refusing to go (normal three year old behaviour) , so she tried to teach him a lesson by going without him. Horrible and completely stupid, if she was getting too annoyed then walking into another room and counting to ten would be thing, not a drive to the local shop!
What were the issues that worried you in the past ? I wonder if she parented her own dc like this, or whether she was a protective and caring parent and this is strange behaviour for her ?
Is your FIl alive ?

Oh ffs, MIL is just trouble. This isn't a medical/dementia problem. You can put energy into trying to figure out what her problem is/why etc, but - speaking from the experience of having a very messed up family - it won't be time well spent.

Safeguard your son by making other childcare arrangements and either getting your wife onside or establishing that she isn't, so you at least know what you're dealing with.

@BBQchickensalad well, it’s me going through this and I have tried everything else to impart the seriousness of what has been done, to little reaction.

im not ranting , either - I merely stated an example . And extreme example to try and hammer home the point.

im no longer going to say anything further on this either because it will just be round in circles - you have your opinion and I have mine.

thank you for your contribution

He's 3?! And you found him alone?! Outside? Am I reading this right? How horrendous if so.

@SirVixofVixHall

she just seemed to get overwhelmed extremely easy and that’s what concerned me initially But she would insist to DW that she was fine and of course DW would kill any further talk on the subject

unfortunately FII passed away before I met DW

Shit. You are absolutely entitled to feel the way you do. Infact, you should feel even more. I would go ballistic in your situation. I commend you for keeping some sort of control.
Don't let others think your overreacting.
Please get your wife on board.
My son is 2 and your situation terrifies me.
Anything could have happened. This is the kind of thing you hear about in the media.

A few Qs... why was your son wet? What was so important that you MIL had to leave so urgently? How was your son when you returned?

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Good luck 💚

@GirlOfTudor it was raining by the time I got back

MiL had to go out and by flour …if you can believe that

@CeeChynaa I mentioned it because absolutely nothing else seems to strike a resonance….that’s how out of ideas I am about trying to get MiL to comprehend the gravity of it all.