I don’t think I can forgive this

[Confusedhusband87]

Need advice more than ever- I want to be sure I’m not overreacting.

As my wife works away, my Mother in law comes down for a couple of days to help look after our son (3 years old) when he is not in nursery- this is something we have had in place for some time.

The relationship between my MiL and myself isn’t amazing (I had raised concerns about her struggling to look after our son and she took it badly and it lead to serious family conflict but that’s a whole other box of frogs)

Earlier this week, I arrived home to find my front door wide open, MiLs car gone , and our son Standing in the drive way visibly distraught and wet.

after I confirmed that MiL was not in the house (taking my son with me) i went to load my son into My car, which was nice and warm.

At that point my MiL drove up the drive way - When I asked her why she had left my son alone and that I had found him outside , she responded that she was sorry but she had told him she would only be a few minutes.

I did some quick maths and came to the conclusion that the nearest shop is 5 mins by car but factoring in getting there , getting the items and coming back, it was 15-20 mins at minimum.

as we went inside she nonchalantly apologies for “putting him in danger “ and went up stairs.

I later confronted her about it again, in a calm manner asking for an explanation.

MiL acknowledged my concerns, again, in a very nonchalant manner and informed me that she would would be leaving and would not be returning.

when I asked, why she didn’t just take him with her she replied “He didn’t want to come”

because I have previously been in a situation where it is my word against my Mil - I recorded the conversation- mainly for two reasons 1. To show my wife the odd behaviour, as I am partially convinced this is a health related thing and 2. To have some evidence about what was said to avoid any shenanigans later down the line.

she then approach my son and spoke to him as if she would never see him again then left.

I got quite angry inside as I felt this was MiL playing a bit of psychological game.
I have spoken to my wife and she will be speaking to her mum when she gets back.

personally I feel that what has happened is a step too far, and until I’m satisfied with an explanation, I will be looking to ensure my son is not left with MiL unsupervised.

to say that I am absolutely furious is an understatement - and MiL nonchalant- stroppy response has really set my teeth to grind.

im equally angry at myself …I saw things that concerned me over a year ago but when I tried to push it , I had MiL, BiL, and even wife telling me I was overreacting and that ultimately lead to a huge family rift.

I keep thinking of little James Bulger and how his parents would have never in a million years expected to experience what happened.

You are absolutely entitled to stand your ground on this, and to state as a parent that this is intolerable. A nanny or childminder wouldn’t get a second chance. No compromise.

No need for you to do anything like engage in any messaging to and fro with any family members until you and your wife have sat down and agreed a position that is unequivocal. Hope you can take time off this week (or longer) to figure things out, and to be unapologetic about this. New solution needed for childcare; the longterm relationship, make your position clear in the cold light of day.

Does she have the start of dementia?

That was seriously unsafe what she did and I wouldn't let her near my kid again unsupervised.

Find a nursery or a childminder.

I think the reaction of your DW and BIL is going to give you some big clues. If MIL was not a great parent they wont be surprised at her behaviour, although they may rush to defend, minimise, gaslight, rewrite the story if they’ve grown up being trained in dysfunctional family dynamics. If they are both horrified, very concerned about MIL and taking her to the doctor, then my bet is on a medical issue

Fair enough, if that’s the only thing that will make MIL understand the seriousness of it then I guess that makes sense. I still don’t understand why you’ve mentioned it twice on this thread but that’s irrelevant!

I hope you get this sorted one way or another but she really does sound very careless. Especially her nonchalant attitude about it all…

It must have been an incredibly scary time to find your son at the door alone.

Don’t let your MIL have any unsupervised visits with your son and talk it thorough with your wife.

It was incredibly irresponsible of your mil to leave your son and thank goodness nothing happened to him but there is definitely something going on.

No reasonable person leaves a child alone just because they refused to get in the car, it might seem implausible but it seems like getting flour became a fixation. Dementia presents in various ways, it’s not always just about memory and sadly fixations is one way it can present so although she was lucid the reasoning behind her decision is skewed. You mil comments to your bil echo some comments we had when my dad was being tested. He sat at the table at my uncle’s wake and told everyone we thought he was nuts.

Sadly my dad had fixations yet if you spoke to him everything sounded perfectly plausible, it’s just he had an altered sense of reality. The only difficulty is getting the person to accept there may be a problem and getting help for any problems.

Try to keep an open mind at the moment, which is probably extremely difficult under the circumstances. Hopefully once your wife is back and has spoken to her mum, there will be a clearer understanding of what happened.

@CeeChynaa i mentioned it because I was replying to someone about how I felt …and how that particular case is my worst nightmare imaginable.

and some might not understand my “hysteria” around something that is highly unlikely to happen, but then again I never thought I would have been fondled when I was in cubs by a scout leader but here we are. And I was.

Yes- I hope it gets sorted as well

OK, one more comment. MIL doesn't have to understand the gravity of it all, so you can save your energy trying to convince her. She can think her actions were just fine. All she needs to know is what you as parents have decided about your son's future care. She doesn't have to understand it. She doesn't have to like it. She can think it's a huge injustice. She just needs to know what the parents have decided. I would be surprised if your wife didn't agree with you on this one.

@BBQchickensalad I’ll be honest - I am almost as equally scared about what I am going to do if it turns out DW doesn’t side with me on this …I.e the supervised only visits.

Has she not at least reacted to your disclosure?

She is not fit to look after your little one. You need a new arrangement.

It might be early onset of dementia making her do silly things although that does not change the outcome.

@BBQchickensalad she did but she was very cool about it …I think there’s more to this than I know.

a few folks here have suggested that perhaps something has maybe happened when DW was a kids.

im sorry for being defensive - I’ve gone through years of being told it was all in my head and that I was being ridiculous by DW and BiL - BiL was quite brutal and so played some horrible mind games.

Who cares what bil is told or thinks?? It’s none of his business. He should not be involved at all. Who cares what evil grandma is telling him or twisted convos they are having. You and your wife should be radio silence with both evil grandma and Bozo bil. Who is telling you all this? Your wife? She is incredibly foolish. She should be speaking with her son and you only not those 2 lunatics, except to tell them to never contact her, you, or your son again. In fact, if anybody has to deal with them, it should be you as the only one with an ounce of concern for your child. Your wife is not equipped and does not have the sense to have ‘family powwows’, from which you’re not invited, with them. They probably only talk about you. Again, why do you keep bringing up bil as if he’s your boss and you are all supposed to kiss his pronged hooves. This is so unbelievable. They all need reporting. And if you don’t do something, then that’s on you.

Evil Grandma is a malicious bitch. Who knows what she would do, or has done already, to your little 3 year old.

1. Report her and bil.
2. No concact
3. Radio silence
4. Report harassment if they try to contact or stalk you or your son or wife.

Just saw your latest. Your wife is just as evil as her mother and bil. They’re all gaslighting you. Your son is not safe. He is in danger. And stop talking about bil. It’s none of his business. Tell your wife what’s what. Good grief. You’re enabling them.

God what a scene to come home to. Anything could have happened - wandered onto the street. Who knows how many other times this has happened.

You are not ridiculous at all. I myself have been in hospital for injuries sustained when unsupervised as a toddler. Just, if you must use the example of a child who was abducted, at least use one that was taken from their driveway.

There is a difference between your allegations of MIL's house being messy (not saying they were baseless as that can pose a risk to a child, depending on how it is messy) and leaving a child alone. The latter is much harder to excuse.

It may be very difficult for your wife to stand up to her mother for a range of reasons. If this is an issue, maybe this is something you can take to couples counselling. Also agree with the PP. This has nothing at all to do with BIL.

@MysteryBelle I really am aren’t I ?

no longer - I was weak and I let them control the narrative and this the result.

the small consolation is that I have indisputable evidence that there is some thing horribly wrong.

Take your evidence to the police. Make a report so that it’s on the record. That will shut up bil and foolish wife.

Take the reins. A weak person is easy prey for predators.

@BBQchickensalad at the end of the day I need to just lay down the law and grow a bit more of a spine.

I think my fear was if we did split up I would have even less of an idea what would be going on with DS -

Talking and deciding you’re no longer weak ain’t going to cut it. You have to do things and drive them back into the hole from whence they slithered.

It is already the end of the day. Action is required. Now.

Yes, your son can't advocate for himself. He needs you to advocate for him.

I suggest taking a deep breath and waiting to see how your wife responds when you see her tomorrow. Hopefully she surprises you and is on the same page. Meanwhile, of course, he won't be with MIL.

@MysteryBelle thank god for mumsnet !!!

I feel like this whole thing has changed me as a person …tomorrow is going to be difficult but necessary

@BBQchickensalad like you say - at the end of the day …cold, hard facts trump emotional.

i just need to keep a clear head and check myself

You are not overreacting. Your child is far, far too young to be left unsupervised. I cannot see any way that your MIL can safely have unsupervised access after this.