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Original poster

I don’t think I can forgive this

372 replies

Confusedhusband87 · 10/10/2023 18:06

Need advice more than ever- I want to be sure I’m not overreacting.

As my wife works away, my Mother in law comes down for a couple of days to help look after our son (3 years old) when he is not in nursery- this is something we have had in place for some time.

The relationship between my MiL and myself isn’t amazing (I had raised concerns about her struggling to look after our son and she took it badly and it lead to serious family conflict but that’s a whole other box of frogs)

Earlier this week, I arrived home to find my front door wide open, MiLs car gone , and our son Standing in the drive way visibly distraught and wet.

after I confirmed that MiL was not in the house (taking my son with me) i went to load my son into My car, which was nice and warm.

At that point my MiL drove up the drive way - When I asked her why she had left my son alone and that I had found him outside , she responded that she was sorry but she had told him she would only be a few minutes.

I did some quick maths and came to the conclusion that the nearest shop is 5 mins by car but factoring in getting there , getting the items and coming back, it was 15-20 mins at minimum.

as we went inside she nonchalantly apologies for “putting him in danger “ and went up stairs.

I later confronted her about it again, in a calm manner asking for an explanation.

MiL acknowledged my concerns, again, in a very nonchalant manner and informed me that she would would be leaving and would not be returning.

when I asked, why she didn’t just take him with her she replied “He didn’t want to come”

because I have previously been in a situation where it is my word against my Mil - I recorded the conversation- mainly for two reasons 1. To show my wife the odd behaviour, as I am partially convinced this is a health related thing and 2. To have some evidence about what was said to avoid any shenanigans later down the line.

she then approach my son and spoke to him as if she would never see him again then left.

I got quite angry inside as I felt this was MiL playing a bit of psychological game.
I have spoken to my wife and she will be speaking to her mum when she gets back.

personally I feel that what has happened is a step too far, and until I’m satisfied with an explanation, I will be looking to ensure my son is not left with MiL unsupervised.

to say that I am absolutely furious is an understatement - and MiL nonchalant- stroppy response has really set my teeth to grind.

im equally angry at myself …I saw things that concerned me over a year ago but when I tried to push it , I had MiL, BiL, and even wife telling me I was overreacting and that ultimately lead to a huge family rift.

I keep thinking of little James Bulger and how his parents would have never in a million years expected to experience what happened.

OP posts:
Stokey · 10/10/2023 22:14

I wonder how she can possibly have spun it to make it sound reasonable? Surely even someone saying they nipped to the corner shop even if it was a 5 minute stroll would still seem bonkers if you're leaving a 3 year old alone. There is no possible spin that can justify this!

Original poster
Confusedhusband87 · 10/10/2023 22:15

@McIntire doesn’t seem to have detracted for any of the other hundreds of comments here.

it’s a valid point because that’s the evil that Can happen - and I mention it as people seem to forget that these horrors can and do happen.

im sorry you find it uncomfortable , but that’s the point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedhusband87 · 10/10/2023 22:16

@Stokey agreed but I think she’s gonna give it a go - she has her DD and DS wrapped round her little finger pretty tight

OP posts:

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abouttobecomeagrandparent · 10/10/2023 22:20

If you recorded her admitting she left him, call the police, she will be prosecuted. Stupid horrible woman. It's unforgivable.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 10/10/2023 22:21

Oh my god. What on earth. Do you suspect she’s done anything else?
the poor baby.
I would never ever ever ever ever be speaking to her again or letting her see your son

Shrillwaffle · 10/10/2023 22:22

All I needed to read up to was ‘my MIL left him only few 5 minutes’ you should NEVER leave a 3 year old alone in the house I’d be fuming so you are very rightly annoyed

cartagenagina · 10/10/2023 22:23

How well do you know your neighbours? Would it be worth having a quick chat to see if there has been anything of concern to them when MIL has been looking after (or actually not looking after) DS?

McIntire · 10/10/2023 22:25

Confusedhusband87 · 10/10/2023 22:15

@McIntire doesn’t seem to have detracted for any of the other hundreds of comments here.

it’s a valid point because that’s the evil that Can happen - and I mention it as people seem to forget that these horrors can and do happen.

im sorry you find it uncomfortable , but that’s the point.

I don’t find it uncomfortable, I find it irrelevant.

I agree she was wrong and other posters here obviously agree with you, but we’re not the ones you’re struggling to convince.

Your should stick to the facts which are shocking enough.

Bramblestarr · 10/10/2023 22:26

Just to add, if police had been called/ turned up, you may have ran the risk of your child being removed from her care. Obviously you would then highlight he was trusted with granny and child would be returned . However, in the mean time, child would likely be taken to a local police station / social services offices whilst parents were located. I cant imagine how traumaticthis would be for a 3 year old. In addition granny would likely be arrested on Child Neglect charge.

If social care become aware of this, they will be saying no unsupervised contact with granny. If you /your wife did not agree to this, you would run risk of concerns being raised regarding yours /your wife's capacity to protect from individuals who can cause significant harm to your child (which in this case she did).

BBQchickensalad · 10/10/2023 22:26

While I think your MIL should never be in charge of your child again, I would lay off the James Bulger references. It's flawed because James Bulger wasn't alone. He was with his mother and lured away from her. It's a bit overly emotive to go there. It's far more likely that your son could have had some sort of accident when unsupervised.

xyz111 · 10/10/2023 22:29

Why is your BIL even involved?

Original poster
Confusedhusband87 · 10/10/2023 22:30

@BBQchickensalad I stand by the reference s sometimes to impart how serious something is, you have to make reference to an example.

I can not think of a worst example of what can happen to a child

thats why I rightfully reference it

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 10/10/2023 22:30

Does MIL know that you recorded her? I would let her spin her lies tonight then hit everyone with the proof tomorrow.

padsi1975 · 10/10/2023 22:31

That is unforgivable neglect. He is 3 years old. She is very lucky you stayed calm. What a terrible experience for your son and what a horrible fright for you.

Original poster
Confusedhusband87 · 10/10/2023 22:32

He serves as “defender” for MiL ….gives me a hard time, tries to intimidate when I point out a flaw in MiL

OP posts:
IcedBananas · 10/10/2023 22:32

My first thought was had she done this before and how many times. How awful! Absolutely never let her look after the child again!

Also the way she just agrees that she put him in danger but shows no real concern for what she’s done - Could it be that she actually disagrees with you and is just dismissing you? Is it possible she thinks she did nothing wrong? And that you’re overreacting? I wonder if she is agreeing with you to shut you down, so you can’t argue about it. Meanwhile she’ll be rolling her eyes and telling everyone how you overreacted and it’s not that bad... It’s very passive agressive and manipulative. Did your MIL ever leave her own children like this? Could you ask your wife? I find it hard to believe she was a great parent and that this behaviour is new unless, like you suggest it is medical. I think you’re going to find out there’s some stories in your DWs upbringing! Good luck OP the family can be very well trained to protect these kinds of family secrets!

BBQchickensalad · 10/10/2023 22:32

Confusedhusband87 · 10/10/2023 22:30

@BBQchickensalad I stand by the reference s sometimes to impart how serious something is, you have to make reference to an example.

I can not think of a worst example of what can happen to a child

thats why I rightfully reference it

Then you lose a lot of credibility. Your child was far more at risk of a James Bulger kind of scenario if your MIL had taken him to the store.

Original poster
Confusedhusband87 · 10/10/2023 22:33

@MadeForThis she does not And neither does DW …atleast not yet.

I hate doing this but it’s the only way i feel I can catch her being manipulative

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedhusband87 · 10/10/2023 22:35

@BBQchickensalad how do I lose credibility ?

are you serious ?! It’s not about the manner in which the child was taken it’s about what was done to him and could have potentially been done to my DS

with all due disrespect , you need to have a word with yourself.

OP posts:
FlamingoQueen · 10/10/2023 22:36

Confusedhusband87 · 10/10/2023 21:29

@HowToSaveAWife
i would say she is very manipulative…unfortunately for her I learned my lesson the first time round and made preparations ..I.e the recording.

apparently she has told her son (BiL) that I sacked her as Grandma

She’s lucky you’ve not called the Police. Don’t stand for any nonsense. Do not let her immediate family bully you or pressure you into thinking this is normal. Your ds is very lucky that you found him and I think this is what you need to reiterate to your wife.

Lovelymoon · 10/10/2023 22:37

Wow! What a tough situation. Thank god you came home when you did :(

thegreylady · 10/10/2023 22:39

I was a grandma caring for 2 dgs from when they were 10 months old, 3 days a week first, full time the after pre school and finally after school. They are 2.5 years apar so it was sometimes 1 and sometimes 2. I started when I was 63 and stopped at the beginning of lockdown when youngest was in Yr6 and I was 75.
I never once left them unsupervised . Your MIL is irresponsible beyond belief. Your wife has a hard conversation to come but MIL cannot be left alone with the child ever again.

Original poster
Confusedhusband87 · 10/10/2023 22:39

@Lovelymoon I have never understood folks that talk about their blood running cold…at that moment I did…felt like my stomach was just one big knot

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/10/2023 22:40

S

SirVixofVixHall · 10/10/2023 22:42

Frazzledandfried · 10/10/2023 18:15

MIL sounds mentally unwell. Surely no grandparent of sound mind would leave a 3yo alone?!

I agree with this. A toddler ! This is also illegal . It is giving me the chills thinking of such a little boy left all alone. Thank goodness he is ok, although he must have had a massive fright.
I read your post expecting to think you were one those men who likes to be Lord of the house and who resents their wife’s mother, but you are totally reasonable and right to say that sadly your MIl cannot be trusted with a small child and should not ever be alone with him .
I suppose he way forward is now to find out what is going on and why on God’s earth she did such a terrible thing.