Sending child to live with grandparents abroad

[ukelele38]

Hi all,
I'm a young single parent currently just getting by. I work full time and feel like I barely see my 4yo child (no actual quality time together). My current job isn't where I want to be and I've got an opportunity to move and work somewhere I can progress and earn a lot more however it would be extremely hard to do this around childcare.
If I sent my child to live with their grandparents for a year (ish?) I could get myself on my feet and to a better place financially (and mentally-lone parent for over 4 years now), however they live abroad so I couldn't just nip in and see them- still europe so not a major distance.

Am I insane for even considering this? It's just a thought atm as I'm not sure I would actually be able to live without them but at the same time I want a better life for them and the quality of life where their grandparents live is a lot higher.

Not true. Know personally lots of kids who were absolutely fine, great relationship with parents now, no long term effects. Hard for parents but sometimes needs must.

This may well look ideal on paper but I think the actual reality to your child's emotional health would be incredibly damaging. Children don't understand finance's and the hardships of raising children, they would just see that their parent abandoned them.

Yes they will.

@piesforever

How could you possibly know if it's had any long term effects? The measure isn't whether they love their parents or not, whether they turn out to be criminals or drug addicts or not. It's whether that event had long lasting repercussions on their life. You couldn't possibly know if they have an anxious attachment style in relationships, struggle with managing personal stress or have low self esteem. People do not walk around with a flag advertising these things and often they have no idea why they exist.

In the same way that you couldn’t know the long term effects on a child of having a depressed mum who worked all the time…

We don’t know the nuances of the child’s current life with OP or her potential life with grandparents so it’s impossible to say which would be less damaging without more detail.

How is your experience in any way similar to what OP is proposing? you were sent away repeatedly and singled out from amongst your siblings which indicates a whole bigger story around your family dynamics. OP wants to grab a job opportunity that will require her DD to live with her DM for 1yr. Projecting much?

I was a forces kid and was quite often left with grandparents while my dad was away. Sometimes it was only for a few weeks, the longest was 6 months. Mum generally travelled with him but there was no point disrupting the whole family for a short deployment.

Can’t say I’m in any way traumatised. I do have great memories of spending time with extended family and we’re all still very close.

@Bex5490

Of course I couldn't possibly know without more context which is the least harmful option. However, I was more replying to the previous poster who's argument was more or less 'do it, everybody she knows who has been sent away is fine'.

Its an uneducated opinion.

I do agree with that. Extended families are great and provide security. But we're talking about 2 grandparents in another country that don't have the ready made connection with the child. They're basically strangers to the child.

Are you serious? This post is extremely judgemental. The OP is considering this precisely because she wants her child to have a better life than she can offer at the moment.

Not everyone can afford to work pt or be a sahm. The OP might not even have access to benefits depending on her situation. And - shocking, I know! - some mothers like their jobs and think it’s a good example for the children to have a mother who can stand on her own two feet financially. But obviously these women are lacking maternal instinct. 🙄

What's with the dramatics on this thread? 'Your child will NEVER get over this', oh my gooood, oh my gooood.

If it helps, OP, I grew up with my maternal grandparents from birth until I was 5. And spent a lot of time with them (about half a year) after that. I'm European, not from Philippines, it wasn't done because my parents were poor and desperately needed work.

I'm completely fine and do have a good relationship with my parents. My grandparents were lovely and loved me to bits, I had a great time growing up with them. I have zero trauma and regrets because of that, there's nothing to 'get over'.

It was within the same country, to be fair. But my grandparents and parents lived far from each other and my parents didn't visit often.

The only thing I'd consider is language barrier, but small children pick up new languages easily.

Do it OP, if it helps you towards the better future.

I know about my culture and a couple of friends, one from the Philippines and another from Indonesia, who were sent to live with family while the mother went to worked.

I’m sorry about how you feel but I’m just explaining how I feel about it. It’s not for everyone and yes I was lucky in that my grandparents were good to me.

A 4 year old being abandoned by their mother will not be fine. Please don’t have kids.

How is your experience in any way similar to what OP is proposing? you were sent away repeatedly and singled out from amongst your siblings which indicates a whole bigger story around your family dynamics. OP wants to grab a job opportunity that will require her DD to live with her DM for 1yr. Projecting much?

I don't think wanting to 'grab a job opportunity' will necessarily make a child feel any better. Some children will struggle to be away from their parent(s), no matter what the reason. Some will grow up with issues around abandonment. Other children will be absolutely fine. Nobody knows how their child will react until it's too late. I think that, unless you're torn away from your child by illness or war or some other unavoidable catastrophe, the safest option is to do what you can to keep that child with you.

I've read everyones comments and it's given me a lot to think about. I haven't made a decision yet but I can try answer some questions.
Grandparents would love to have child and would love to have me around to however the job opportunities and pay in my country are bad (why I came here in the first place). DD was born in that country so has citizenship so no issues there. My end goal is to live in my home country with them but I would like to buy a house for us. Dad is out of picture- died before DD turned 1. If I kept DD here and tried to work this job I would need a live in nanny which would mean I wouldn't be able to save as much and as fast, and I would barely see her due to the type of work.
Again, I haven't made my decision yet and by the time that she would have to go and stay there DD would be nearly five at this rate. Maybe stupidly I'm thinking the psychological impact will be less the older she is, that she'll understand more.

The impact will probably more the older she gets. Children need their parents in their life. She wonder understand that you need to save money, all she'll understand is that her mum isn't there for her. How much would you need to save? Have you worked out how long that would take?

I’ve come across loads of women that have done this I know it’s not the norm for us in the Uk but women do it from hundreds of places. More common is from Eastern Europe these days. Often the mum will send the child home and crack on with her job and maybe meet a new partner and then have a family with them. The first child may or may not come back to the UK. It’s a difficult one. It sounds like if you are saving for a house it will take years even if you are talking about Romania or somewhere else in Europe they won’t be as cheap as they used to be. Have you got any network locally that can help out?

I am not speaking for you. I am responding to the poster shuting down opinions like mine saying there is a lot of melodrama for highlighting the risks.

Of course, some people have turned out fine and some had trauma. But risk of trauma outweighs any potential benefits.
Of course Op knows her parents best, like mine knew theirs.
But OP has asked for opinion. So giving mine. Kids need parents and stability, not being shifted between countries at age 4 and then age 5.

If you want to give your child a better life then do so but asking them to pay a price of being separated from you for a year or 2 or 3 or 4. They might decide that is too higher price to pay

I think you have to really look at what it is that this better life you want for them looks like and separate out what you personally want from what your child would want

Are they going to say at 4 or 5 years old that they can would rather not see mummy for a year or 2 and then be able to wear better clothes or go to live in a nicer house or be able to have a Macdonalds once per week.
Or stay living with mummy and have her around to read them a story and put them to bed each night or go with mummy to the local park on a Saturday.

I doubt any 4/5 year old would choose the former unless there had been a huge amount of coercion

I think you need to look at the difference between what you would be on in this new opportunity and what it would financially cost you to do this job. E.G. extra flights back home to see dc, how you get to the airport and airport duties, presents to take home for dc etc as well as what things cost in the new area.
Then add up what you are earning and spending now and what could you cut down on or earn extra
i.e down sizing to a studio or 1 bed flat and cutting bills, selling stuff you don’t need etc Doing free activities and taking picnics on days out. Etc
Quidco, comparison websites and vouchers boost your income hugely

Compare the 2 amounts and ask yourself if you did go for the new job would that amount be worthwhile risking your relationship with your child.

I wonder what decision you ended up making. I live in the USA, was raised here, but lived in Italy for 3 years where I met my wonderful husband. We live in California with our 2 kids. My daughter has spent the last two summers in Italy with her nonna, and even flew alone last year across the pond. We are seriously considering sending her to live with her nonna for 1 scholastic year to really be immersed in the language, make meaningful friendships with Italian kids, and have an opportunity to "be more Italian". My time abroad changed me profoundly, and I have a strong desire to raise my kids as of children of the world and not so insular as so many US kids are. I feel I owe it to my husband and his family for our kids to be as Italian as possible, and explore this facet of their identity.
My kids spend lots of time with my parents as they only live 5 minutes from us, but I am sorry that my husband's mom doesn't have that same relationship with them. We speak a lot of Italian at home...not 100%, though--there is a bit of language barrier when we visit, more for my son who is younger than for my daughter who is used to spending summer there.
But in terms of a school year, I worry about her language competence, I worry about the emotional adjustment especially at the beginning, I worry about her academic transition once she returns home for her last year of elementary school. But I realize that these are MY fears, that I project these onto her, that there is no guarantee that she would seek out study abroad opportunities later, that my MIL is in good health now and is wanting and able to do this, and my daughter herself rolls her eyes and repeats that she really wants to do this too.....sigh! I thank my lucky stars that FaceTime and WhatsApp have moved us eons and eons beyond postcards and letters. I hope you ignored the trolls and haters, who make assumptions about you, your choices, and your child's ability to handle this and grow through this, and that you made a decision that was right for you, your child, with the full involvement of her grandparents. And truly, I'm beginning to think that the idea of a "right decision" is faulty---any decision will have consequences, some positive and some negative.

This

I understand that you are considering making a huge sacrifice for both of you in order to provide a more comfortable and stable future

I can understand also that doing it while your child is younger is less difficult than when they are older. Many posters here don't understand that they are in a position of privilege. They also maybe don't understand the more collectivist nature of cultures compared to a very individualistic Western one.

I lived away from my parents for the same reasons. My grandparents took amazing care of me because that's what we do for each other as close family in my culture. We don't see it as a burden but rather a normalised part of being a big family. I now have a very comfortable life for the sacrifices I
they made and I am very very grateful for the choices they made. I understand they made them all for me and my brother to have the wonderful comfortable life we have now.

You do what feels rights for you and your child - as the daughter of one imigrant to another - you do your best for your children even if it is not always the easiest or most comfortable choice.

culture is irrelevant. I have known children from many cultures irreparably damaged by this practice.