Sending child to live with grandparents abroad

[ukelele38]

Hi all,
I'm a young single parent currently just getting by. I work full time and feel like I barely see my 4yo child (no actual quality time together). My current job isn't where I want to be and I've got an opportunity to move and work somewhere I can progress and earn a lot more however it would be extremely hard to do this around childcare.
If I sent my child to live with their grandparents for a year (ish?) I could get myself on my feet and to a better place financially (and mentally-lone parent for over 4 years now), however they live abroad so I couldn't just nip in and see them- still europe so not a major distance.

Am I insane for even considering this? It's just a thought atm as I'm not sure I would actually be able to live without them but at the same time I want a better life for them and the quality of life where their grandparents live is a lot higher.

Could you both go? Rather than being separated from your child?

You can’t possibly know that.

Have you had a 4 year old?

YABU- sorry in 2023 Britain this isn’t an option I would ever consider. I understand parents who leave third world countries to do this and then bring their child- but otherwise no.

The risk is that your child would end up so settled they really wouldn't want to return../

3 of them.

No never.

Emotional trauma of not being able to see your mum at all isn't a good financial trade off.

This is fairly common with other immigrant families. If grandparents are okay with it and you’re absolutely certain this will financially get you closer to your goal and a better life for both of you, go for it. My parents did this when I was a child as they were both young and immigrating to a whole new country while learning the language. Fast forward to today, I fully empathize and understand their decisions and have 0 resentment. If you need the help and have it, take it.

Well, is IS an option as child-care is just too expensive in the UK if you have no relatives who can do it.

Although on paper it might all make perfect sense your child will not see it like that later on in life. Also what happens when your career takes off and you don't have the time to visit?

I have a work colleague who was sent to livewith family in Jamaica. Her relationship with her parents never really recovered.

I certainly wouldn't do this.

When your child is returned to you he will feel he is presented with a stranger. Is this what you want for him?

He needs YOU.

If you had to do this to put food on the table it would be another story.

I was a child in this situation, and I've no emotional damage (nor ever did) from it.
Same with a friend from a different country.
It was not uncommon for women doctors in Eastern Europe (incl Russia) to do this as they had to move around random villages during their residency years. (My and my friend mothers' case).

Edit: actually I remember that time fondly, and forged great relationships with my great aunts.

When mothers leave their children with GPs who are already fully in children's lives, even in the same home, it is surely a lot less of a disruption than when the GPs live in another country, like the OPs parents do?

I work and worked with women who do this every summer to cover the summer holidays. They muddle though the rest of the year.

Anyway their children never want to come back to the UK as they love having their extended family around.

Oh the other hand I grew up with some kids whose grandmothers specifically came from abroad to look after them and their siblings for a few years. I felt sorry for the grandmothers as they were in their 50s/60s, had to try to learn English very quickly, and had to share a room with kids. Then by the time they made local friends they went back to their home countries.

You may well end up with the child feeling abandoned and resentful.

Although I totally understand your reasons you would be sending your child to another country without you (her main support). She might settle brilliantly and never want to come back. She might hate it and miss you terribly.

I absolutely couldn't do it.

OP - and especially PP - I would think it would make sense to give more credibility to the posters on this thread who were that child (and it's not just me).

Otherwise it's just a lot of people hypothesising / catastrophysing.

I think if grandparents are ok with it, I would seriously consider it.
And if it really helps you to further your career and say in 12-18 mounts you'll be definitely better off financially and able to care for your child then it's worth doing.

To many women (myself included) will sacrifice a career for childcare. Then later in life they try and carve out a career, but by the time they have the qualifications and experience, they are often seen as to old ect.

Several of my neices and nephews on DHs side have spent extended periods with grandparents or aunts and uncles, and have done for generations. It's not unusual in many places. I think if there is a good existing relationship with loving, willing and able grandparents it's not a bad thing. It's hardly abandonment and the kids grow up to appreciate their parents sacrifices and have strong bonds with extended family.
It's not the done thing in the UK, so on mumsnet you will get much hyperbole from people with no actual experience of it.

Im in the Middle East and have colleagues from the all over the world, who've left children at "home" with grandparents. Schooling here and family visa costs are expensive yet they can earn salaries many times more than their home countries. Some go home and give birth and come back when the baby is a few months old.
Is your parents country a place your child has lived or visited for long periods?

I think this could lead to some real trauma for your child.

I really wouldn't do it. They will never understand your reasons why and their sense of abandonment would affect your entire relationship with them going forward.

Surely no job is worth that.

My neighbours are an older couple from an African country. They are continuously raising one or two of their assorted grandchildren - the parents show up once every couple of months for a day or so. Before I lived here I didn't realise this kind of arrangement was so common, but it's normal for them, and everyone involved seems to be happy, well adjusted etc.

I know of a woman (i work with) that sent her son off with his grandparents so she could get on with working .
I found it quite sad she would see him every month and call him every night then over a few months she would call him twice a week .

He was only 5 when she sent him (not abroad) but she never asked for him home not even on the holidays she said she was so busy with work.
Hes now in his 30s and he dont see his mum as is mum because she didnt bring him up he had a great childhood and is so close to his GPs.
Hes a dad now and told his mum he would not do what she did to him there like to strangers she says she regrets it big time she missed so much of his life .

I could not do to my children no matter how hard my life gets i had them i look after them .

Same here, my parents did this when I was a toddler for 1 year and I enjoyed being with my grandparents. I don't consider myself traumatised and have a fairly good relationship with my parents. We're also from a culture where this is common. However the job and the distance involved must be truly be "worth it", otherwise it might lead to lasting resentment when the child grows up.

Since having kids myself I sometimes do find it difficult to get my head around how my parents were willing to leave me for so long. It also felt like taking the easy way out because, let's be honest, taking care of a 3 yr old full time is vastly harder than working in a nice job. However looking back, I do realise that it was a once in a lifetime sacrifice. As a direct result of that career move, we were able to emigrate to a new country and our lives are vastly different now compared to if my parents decided not to go.

You need to be confident that this job will really provide the opportunities and potential savings that is worth a year away from your child. Because it's culturally also more unusual, it might get used against you once the child is older. It could either be seen as "great sacrifice that improved our lives" or "my mum dumped me with my grandparents and left". Something like that can be very damaging, potentially irreversible if you are not 100% certain of the long-term benefits.

You also have to decide whether it's an opportunity that could come along again in 2-5 years. Once the child is in school, it becomes vastly easier to work anyway. They may look back as an adult and wonder why their mum "had" to work that job when they were 4 rather than just waiting a few more years. It all comes down to whether their adult self will understand the sacrifice that was made in that one specific moment in time. (In my case I can see that because it was a job opportunity that was literally only available in that moment. And we were all living in a third world country anyway so there was nothing to lose).

Not quite the same but my mum went away for 4-6 weeks and hired a live in nanny to look after me and my brother (alongside my dad but I guess he was just working)

I'm in my thirties now and I still think about how she could do that, and it was much less than a year....

Absolutely do it. The child will enjoy it, your parent will enjoy having grandkid with them and you have some time to stand on your feet. It's a win win for everyone.

It's a sad story with rotten childcare system in this country where once you have a child you are doomed.