Sending child to live with grandparents abroad

[ukelele38]

Hi all,
I'm a young single parent currently just getting by. I work full time and feel like I barely see my 4yo child (no actual quality time together). My current job isn't where I want to be and I've got an opportunity to move and work somewhere I can progress and earn a lot more however it would be extremely hard to do this around childcare.
If I sent my child to live with their grandparents for a year (ish?) I could get myself on my feet and to a better place financially (and mentally-lone parent for over 4 years now), however they live abroad so I couldn't just nip in and see them- still europe so not a major distance.

Am I insane for even considering this? It's just a thought atm as I'm not sure I would actually be able to live without them but at the same time I want a better life for them and the quality of life where their grandparents live is a lot higher.

No, she is sacrificing her child just so she can have a career. It's incredibly selfish. And I don't think we should be taking guidance from other cultures, just because some do cultures do it doesn't make it right. It would be different if the grandparents lived in the country and had a regular relationship with the child. It sounds to me like the grandparents are strangers to the child. At 4, with the grandparents living in another country, what kind of established relationship would the child have with them?

Not a good plan! would move for the job, find housing with space for an au pair, to help with your childcare challenge.

You surely have some quality time, who provides a childcare now at weekends?
Can you imagine how your child will feel? Seems like you want to exchange no quality time to no time at all at an important time in their life assuming they are due to start school if they haven't already.

Lots of us with children are just treading water. When my daughter was younger I was always looking for ways my life could be better, it didn’t get better just harder but I’ve learnt to embrace the small stuff. We live below the poverty line but when I do get time with her we go to parks, we colour, we read library books and we cook. We’ve designed our lives around our children and work and have very little else. They are what’s important.

Do your parents want to look after your child full time. It's a big ask.
I feel your being very selfish.
It's your responsibility to look after your own child.

Don’t do it.

I was sent to live with my grandparents when I was 3 for 6 months, I don’t remember much about it, it was 50 years ago 😂, but I was told I was happy. I then went again when I was 6 for a year and my granddad home schooled me. I was sent again every summer for the next 12 years ! I loved being there and was happy but and it’s a big but.

my brothers were never sent, just me , I was also sent to boarding school but not them. I love my brothers and they love me.

it’s only when I became a parent myself that I question how much my parents loved me, and I’ve never really understood/believed their answers

It’s a huge no for me I’m afraid.

The other cultures do it as they are desperate and do not have the childcare or benefits here have in the UK.
I know one mother working here who had a mental breakdown, she was working 24/7 minimum wage in a grindingly difficult job to send money back home to support her multi generational family.
This is what you are comparing it to.

Get real. This child will have serious issues when they are older. Suck it up and parent.

How well does your child know their grandparents? What sort of relationship do they have with them? What do you need? ...and where is the child's father in all of this, could he step up and help you more so that you could take the opportunity?

Life sounds potentially really tough, you're loan parenting with your parents in another country, I think it's easy to say 'I wouldn't do it just for money' but money can bring opportunities, especially later on when your DC needs money for college and driving lessons.

I would very much consider it, I've seen it done and seen it work (I may have even done it), it's not easy but each case the mother has built a life and made a better foundation for their child in the long term.

Life is complicated, child poverty is on the rise and, personally I would take the chance to build a better life for you and your child...you deserve a life too and IMO you will be a better mother is you have had the chance to follow your dreams and aspirations too.

I think you would be insane not to consider it. This is based on my experience of life turning around and becoming much better for everyone with an 'insane' and at the time, much criticised solution.

In the UK this is not done, so you will get a lot of negative comments. In other parts of the world it is a normal way of raising a family. You need to assess you own child's needs and you own family circumstances. My husband's parents did this when he was 3 and they moved to the UK. But in the interim they also had a baby. So he left his beloved grandmother, his cousins and everything he knew to live in a cold grey country and meet his baby sibling for the first time. I think it did cause harm. Not massively so, but he was always much closer to his family back home (particularly his grandmother) than to his own parents.

This.

Not something I would even consider. What if you are not where you want to be in one year? Would that then turn into two years? Your child comes first; he should be in school soon. You can do an online degree retraining. Volunteer once per week to get more experience in a different field. Morning after school club nannies. Loads of other opportunities, then sending your child away. A job is a job, and your child is your child.

It depends. Are the grandparents on board? Does your child know them? Does your child speak the language? What is their parenting style? You will be doing a bit of role reversal as usually it's the grandparents who visit once a month (or whatever) and shower the child with attention and surprises but in this case you'd be doing that and the grandparents would be parenting. Not really fair, especially as it would change again after a year.
If quality of life is much better where the grandparents are can you move there to work?
I think it'll be too much for your child and you will also find it hard. It's also a lot to move them twice in a year and without any consistent adult.
You say you have no quality time together but how much will you have if they live abroad?

You do what you need to do. You know your ability and circumstances better than anyone.
In many cultures this is quiet common. You can face time your child and see them frequently I hope?
You child will understand, keep them posted and try to spend as much time with them as possible. As long as your parents are able to and have agreed, take the time you need to get on your feet and soar! Life is hard, its not all black and white. We all make sacrifices and its a shame your child has to be away from you, but if this is what you need to do then grit your teeth and do it.
I hope you find success and happiness

Your child would never forgive you. I have teens and they would never forgive me if I did that and they are capable of understanding the reasons why.

It's always going to be a bit of an experiment and I find that dangerous. DP was sent to live with his grandparents for a couple of years when he was young. I say 'sent', but they only lived about a mile away. His mum says she did it because he wanted to live there which, to me, is a total cop out. In his case, he had two sisters who were never sent to live anywhere else. He has grown up feeling utterly rejected and, unfortunately for our relationship, has spent his entire adult life trying to please his mother. Not his father, I hasten to add, but that's the patriarchy for you!Even if she had had a good reason, he says he would still feel this way because it was this sense of loss he felt as a child that formed part of his character. He absolutely adored his grandparents and they doted on him, but that's not the point. His parents only took him home in the end because of a falling out between them and the grandparents and he was completely bereft. Such a potent mixture of emotions for a child to have to deal with.

So much judgment, ‘we shouldn’t take advice from other cultures’ just wow…

This is so dependent on a range of factors. What will the living situation with grandparents be like? How does life for the child now with busy stressed (no judgement here btw) single mum compare to life with grandparents? Is this sustainable for mum or would there be a breakdown later causing more trauma?

Just being with mum doesn’t always necessarily equal a better life. Other cultures believe that a village (wider family) raises a child. I see some posts on here like my MIL breathed at me and everyone says ‘cut contact!’ She doesn’t deserve to be in your child’s life! 😂

I’m not saying moving with grandparents is definitely the right or wrong thing but being a single mum in a separate country from your family is tough. Unmanageable actually in some circumstances. OP is looking at ways to improve life for her and her kid because she wants a better life for her - I don’t think that’s selfish or unreasonable.

What is the point of more money if it affects you and your child so badly you don’t have a relationship any more

Whilst women from countries all over the world do this, you have to think if they give their child to the gp’s and work abroad because it is what happened to them and their bond with their parent was broken at a young age and it means they think it is natural to do the same to their own children.

Not much different from those parents who farm out their kids to childcare 10 hours a day, except yours will be dual-culture and bilingual.

Well as the replies show some children will be fine whilst others will have at least some emotional scars from it. The thing is you don't know which way it will go.with your child.
My experience was that age 11 I was sent to live with a family I knew in another city because we were moving and I was due to start high school but our new house was still being built.
I knew the family quite well and they had a daughter a similar age to me but even with all that it affected me massively and it was only for a few months in my case.
When I became a mother myself it hit home even more and there is no way I would ever want to live apart from my young dependant children.
I feel it was quite damaging personally but I have never conveyed that to my parents . They are oblivious to how I feel about it all.

If you do this, don't expect your child to be unscathed and your relationship to be the same ever again 🤷🏼‍♀️

That's the last thing I'd want as a grandparent tbh.
You'll be so beholden to them too.

We used to stay with grandparents for the whole summer holidays which was great (mostly, except for granddad's temper at times). But obvs they weren't making us do schoolwork or all the day to day stuff (didn't even have to clean out teeth if we didn't want to!). I think it'd be different for a whole year. And I didn't like not seeing my parents in that time.

If your dc is 4, are they in school? How would that work? Is the schooling system similar where your parents are?

I don't suppose you could go with dc? Progress your career there and maybe both of you live with your parents for a while?

Farm their kids out? That's a very nasty turn of phrase. I think also there's a huge difference between being with your parents mornings, evenings and weekends, and being permanently resident somewhere else. Another country in fact.

I think any separation so far away from you will be painful and have long lasting effects

Can you really be sure it will help your situation so much?

Can we please stop othering and making assumptions about other cultures please? Not all cultures do this out of dire poverty, some might but have you seen how many single women nurses we have here in the UK? They were also nurses in their own country, and feeding/housing/clothing their dc. They weren't living on the streets. They came here because they can give their dc a more secure future life - it is very much a choice,and just because it isn't 'normal' in the UK doesn't mean it is wrong.
Living in poverty is also an ACE. There are children in the UK living in horrible situations, damp, overcrowded homes. The rental market has soared and affordable housing is for the select few. I absolutely can see why the OP would consider this. She's not trying "sacrificing her child for a career", she's sacrificing for the sake of her child.
I had a friend who came to the UK with her husband and 4 month old baby,they both got fully funded Phds in medicine. She had an unplanned pregnancy which would have meant 2 dc under 14 months, which was completely unaffordable child care wise. She had to make the choice to send her dc (aged 6 months and 19 months) to her family in the ME and not see them for one year, or give up her PhD. She decided to send them to her family, and I was terribly judgemental. As it happened, she was away from them for 18 months. She went on to have several more dc, the 'sent' ones are now at university for free because their DM is a professor, they have free healthcare, will be guaranteed a pension if their DM dies. They feel she sacrificed a lot for their future and really put her on a pedestal. It isn't typical for ME parents to do this either.
OTOH I know a local mother recently who left her 13 year old dd to work in the Far East for 3 years. The dd was living with the dgm, who she was very close to. The plan was for the DM to save for a house deposit within the 3 years, come back and buy them a house. She is a single parent so this was completely unaffordable in her current job here. The DM met a man there, spent far too much on partying/socialising and didn't manage to save much. She also extended her time out there so didn't come back as planned. The dd feels very let down, and this has affected their relationship.