Sending child to live with grandparents abroad

[ukelele38]

Hi all,
I'm a young single parent currently just getting by. I work full time and feel like I barely see my 4yo child (no actual quality time together). My current job isn't where I want to be and I've got an opportunity to move and work somewhere I can progress and earn a lot more however it would be extremely hard to do this around childcare.
If I sent my child to live with their grandparents for a year (ish?) I could get myself on my feet and to a better place financially (and mentally-lone parent for over 4 years now), however they live abroad so I couldn't just nip in and see them- still europe so not a major distance.

Am I insane for even considering this? It's just a thought atm as I'm not sure I would actually be able to live without them but at the same time I want a better life for them and the quality of life where their grandparents live is a lot higher.

Not exactly the same but I’ve taught children with parents in the military and they would be left with grandparents etc while the parent was deployed, they missed them but they weren’t miserable by any means! I had one that was cared for by a nanny for 6 months while his mother was deployed (and he didn’t even know where). They could only speak once a week by FaceTime. He coped with it really well tbh, it had been explained to him properly and he wasn’t too upset by the situation - just wanted me to take pictures/photocopies of his work all the time for him to show his mum when she returned! He was 7.

I lived with my grandparents in another country for almost a year and it was happy and magical. As an adult, it's one of the most precious memories I hold on to. However my very loving parents were in regular contact with me, and my grandparents and extended family were of course even more doting and lovely.

Separation from a parent for any significant period is considered an adverse childhood experience (ACE). Sometimes, trauma can't be avoided. However, in your case, it's a choice.

While I’d never do this personally, it’s extremely common in my husbands culture and also in the culture of the country where I currently live. Everyone is fine and kids aren’t at all traumatised by it! I’m a teacher and can tell the parents who are being raised by grandparents while parents work because they’re all spoiled rotten and think they’re God’s gift to the world 😂 being with grandparents 24/7 does that to a kid! Gosh I adored my grandparents and would have lived with them if I could! It will be an amazing experience for the kid. Much harder for the parent.

What happens after a year?

I know it's different, but my dad moved to another country when I was 10, and I was absolutely devastated. I only got to see him every couple of years for a week, it was awful and i had a terrible time coping at school and home.

I can't imagine being 4 and the child of a single parent, in the situation you're suggesting,

You need to prioritise what is more important to you. Your own child, or a career. Can I ask did you really want to be a parent? Because you seem to lack a maternal instinct. No job, nothing is more important than your child. The fact you barely see your own 4 year old child would have most mothers re-prioritising their life and downsizing their career, not send your child away. A week away from your mum is a long time for a child, a year an eternity. And your child and your relationship will never recover from it. They will always feel you abandoned them. You need to get straight what is important. No job is more important than your child. It sounds like you need to downsize your career or find a way to go part-time or work from home. You need to re-establish that bond with your child. Please don't send your child away.

To be honest I feel heartbroken for your child that you feel that way. I can't ever imagine doing this to my child. Or even the thought entering my head. I feel disturbed reading your post. Please don't abandon your child for some career. It is not worth it.

They will never recover-

I think it is worth exploring

you say you don’t have any meaningful time with your child now due to your work and so your child is already used to being away from you for long periods and having their needs met by others.

if you were a stay at home parent and considering this that would be very different but you are barely home with your child it seems due to needing to
work.

I think a child living with and being loved and cared for by grandparents is a better option to being looked after for long stretches by paid caregivers.

Can you do a trip there and see how your child feels with them and in their environment?

And this is done in many cultures and the kids are fine. They understand their mother or father needed to work away to make money and it doesn’t damage them or the relationship.

Wondering whether this is a journalist or a post using Chat GPT, given the OP clearly did’t actually want to be a part of the discussion after their first post.

But either way, going slightly against the grain of the thinking that the child will be devastated, it’s possible that the child will be better off with grandparents who will love and care for them, rather than with a mother who clearly has no maternal instincts or wish to see or bring up her own child.
This isn’t the third world where women have no choice but to leave their children with parents while travelling abroad to find a way to earn money. Leaving a 4 year old with grandparents in the OP’s circs is a choice not a necessity.

And at five the child is going to be even more demanding, school, play dates, birthday parties, if she can’t be arsed with a 4 year old that’s not going to improve because she’s taken a year out.

So actually I would suggest that if the OP wants her child to go and live with her parents, she perhaps make this a permanent arrangement and let them bring up the child.

I have a friend whose now ex left a relationship before she was married to him when she had just had a baby. She already had a three year old, so she went to set up her new life with the three year old, and left the baby with her parents “until she was settled.” Two years later the baby was a two year old, and completely settled with his grandparents, no longer saw her as a mother or his sister as a sister because of lack of contact, so she made the decision to leave him there. He’s about twelve now IIRC and she has visitation about every six months or so because that’s all she wants.

I'm opposite opinion here. It's a common thing across the world and I think a great idea! Kids have often really enjoyed the experience

I could never do that to my child.

What are your parents like? It could be a beautiful time for your kid, and he could end up with a deep and loving relationship with them. I'd certainly consider it if I were you

You have to make the decision for yourself, but ultimately I wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t part with my kids for a week!

Rubbish. I lived with my grandparents for almost a year when my mother was ill in hospital. I have no trauma.

But in my culture it’s quite common for relatives to be heavily involved in childcare. Lots of family I know lived with aunts/grandparents while their parents worked including when their parents moved to the U.K. the children didn’t come till their parents were settled.

I think it's been quite common in many cultures around the world, whatever we think of it in 2023 Britain. I'm SE Asian.

When I was a toddler, my parents left me with my grandparents in their home town for a year, and moved to the capital city to get established with work and saving up for a family home. Parents came to visit whenever they could, probably every few weeks. Obviously I can't properly remember the experience, but I had a wonderful relationship with my grandparents and my parents.

The same was done for my cousins, if needed, and was considered unremarkable in the wider family and culture.

When I got my first job after uni (in the UK) I briefly lodged with a couple from China who worked in the same place. They explained that my lodger rent was helping them to save for a family house; it turned out that they had a young son back in China, living with grandparents for the past couple of years. At the time I was dating now-DH (British) and he was utterly shocked - he couldn't fathom that I wasn't.

No, it’s not such a crazy idea.

I think if your parents are offering and can give your child love and stability while you get yourself sorted, why not? He’s 4 and staying with people who love him. Children are raised in all sorts of circumstances and turn out fine-not everything less than optimum results in trauma! I was very young when my mum spent months at a time in hospital and my dad who was elderly had to look after me. Needs must and all that-it was fine!

In the UK this is not done, so you will get a lot of negative comments. In other parts of the world it is a normal way of raising a family. You need to assess you own child's needs and you own family circumstances. My husband's parents did this when he was 3 and they moved to the UK. But in the interim they also had a baby. So he left his beloved grandmother, his cousins and everything he knew to live in a cold grey country and meet his baby sibling for the first time. I think it did cause harm. Not massively so, but he was always much closer to his family back home (particularly his grandmother) than to his own parents. ON the other hand, the opportunity to become more fluent in another language and connect with a wider family network could be really valuable.

Take it from someone who knows, don't do it.

Don't do this. Your child will feel abandoned

I think most children would find this traumatic. A different country without their parent. The impact of that could be huge. If your child is in school you would only be paying for before and after school care most of the time? Or if you’re earning a decent wage coukd you consider a nanny?

Some of these posts are so ignorant and narrow minded. As I said before, it’s massively common in lots of cultures and it’s not because the mother is a bad mother or putting her career ahead of her child. It’s absolutely the opposite! The mum is sacrificing her own happiness in order to give her child a better life. It’s so hard on the mum, in all the cases I’ve seen which is a lot (as a teacher in one of the countries where it’s common). The child and the grandparents are fine, perfectly happy and thriving! But the mother feels lonely and guilty and sad. But she does it anyway so she can build a better career to give her child a better life. In England people would never do this and raise their children without the things that theyd love to give them because they can’t afford it. By doing this, OP can get a better job and have a better future for herself and her child. It might not be common in the UK, but it’s an incredibly selfless and brave decision.

^ yes exactly. It gets easier when your child goes to school. As the other pp said can you accommodate your parents to visit? Or can your child stay with them in the holidays especially the six weeks one to give you a break.

There are plenty who would tell you ‘I couldn’t/ it’s selfish/ no way can you consider it’ bla bla bla. I bet they are sitting in their comfortable homes with their salaries, partners, parents close by, few money worries. I bet some don’t even bother working. You would no way be even entertaining the idea if you weren’t desperate. A year of sacrifice to then give your child the stability they need for life? With loving grandparents, not strangers. Vs scrimp and struggle for potentially decades. You are hardly leaving the kid for a year of partying. I am assuming you will be working your backside off, only with your child’s face in mind and the day you are reunited in your heart.
I understand you OP. I’ve never been in the situation where I’ve had to do this but if you were my friend or sister I would understand you and not judge you. In fact I’d admire you for putting what you WANT second to male long term plans for what your child NEEDS.