Sending child to live with grandparents abroad

[ukelele38]

Hi all,
I'm a young single parent currently just getting by. I work full time and feel like I barely see my 4yo child (no actual quality time together). My current job isn't where I want to be and I've got an opportunity to move and work somewhere I can progress and earn a lot more however it would be extremely hard to do this around childcare.
If I sent my child to live with their grandparents for a year (ish?) I could get myself on my feet and to a better place financially (and mentally-lone parent for over 4 years now), however they live abroad so I couldn't just nip in and see them- still europe so not a major distance.

Am I insane for even considering this? It's just a thought atm as I'm not sure I would actually be able to live without them but at the same time I want a better life for them and the quality of life where their grandparents live is a lot higher.

People have to do many things through economic necessity that are not natural. Promoting harmful practices enforced by capitalism isn't great.

Not that my title has anything to do with my response it’s connected to a thread I started. My mother was left by her parents when they moved to another country not Europe.

it’s really not a good idea, the long term effects of childhood abandonment follow through into adulthood.

I see many people on here see this as a foreign idea but there are many cultures that do this, and it doesn’t have to be such an emergency. Also it’s not about rich and poor, wealthy people send their children away all the time; or have their children raised by paid staff. Sometimes we have to make tough decisions for a better future. Whilst some families have to do this out of desperation.

I also know so many people (now grown up) and children that were/are either fully raised or part raised by their grandparents, who also have a relationship with their own parents and they turn out fine. (Contrary I know people who have grown up with both parents and are screwed up - there are many factors to raising a child). As long as there is constant communication and you visit them, they know you love them. But do come back for them.

It is a big decision that affects your child so I’d definitely think about some of the questions raised - your parents parenting style; could you live with them instead? How will you keep in touch? . 4 years of age is young, yes they will miss you, but it’s not the end of the relationship.

I know many parents that wished they lived closer to family for a better support system to help work/life balance - and when this isn’t an option and childcare rises then there is so much more to consider.

"The other cultures do it as they are desperate and do not have the childcare or benefits here have in the UK".

I am a bit shocked at how out of touch some posters on this thread are. You are all quite privileged aren't you? For you the cost of living crisis consists of paying a bit more in electricity, and having to go to the restaurant less often. How inconvenient...

More and more people in the UK are unable to pay for the minimum (rent, food, bills, transports), even if they work 50 hours a week. And that is not even including childcare. And it's not gonna get better.

But you clutch your pearls....

Well it will give you some opportunity to save up for trauma therapy.

Why not just move to the country your parents live.

They will be able to help you with childcare, whilst you can earn more.

I do not think you should have your child live with them FT.
Not only would it not be fair on your child but it also wouldn’t be fair on your parents.

I’m a single parent and I get how difficult it is.
My earnings are half of what they could be if I wasn’t a single parent and my child is disadvantaged because my of this.

I would definitely look into having a career in the country your parents live.

Honestly, I think you are crazy.I am a lone parent and don't underestimate the toughness of that, but your children are only children once. It may make economic sense, but children do not make economic sense. They need you.

Where’s the father OP? Would he even allow this?

If you're floundering and struggling, I think sending them for the six week holiday - or even for a couple of months - could be a great idea. With a definite end date in place, return tickets booked etc for X weeks away.

An adventure for dc, time for you to catch up, reset, take stock, make plans.

Sending them for a year is essentially giving your child away. They'd get used to their new life, probably make friends, I'm assuming go to school. Then you'd rip them out of it.

It sounds unfair on the child and like a recipe to damage them and their relationship with you.

This is the norm amongst lots of people living in the UKwho originated from poorer countries abroad

Very normal to hear someone say "I have an older son /daughter back home with my parents "

I dont think as a predominantly white privilliged country we can always relate.

Sounds very tough for you OP .only you know what's best x

There is a lot of melodrama and othering on this thread.

I didn’t and don’t feel my parents abandoned me.

Other people I know who have lived with family don’t feel abandoned by their parents.

It’s perfectly normal in other cultures and is actually showing some people’s narrow mindedness.

Leaving a four year old for a year is the same experience as leaving a forty year old for ten years. Your relationship will be changed forever, and her capacity to form attached relationships will likely be effected throughout her life.

She needs you more than she needs money.

I had the opportunity to do exactly this and chose NOT to do it.

My family lives in Germany and my parents and grandparents had been begging me to allow my daughter to live with them when she was little. I've been a single mother since she was a baby working very long hours in a very high stress job. With my family my daughter would have wanted for nothing, there were no language barriers, but I felt that the rejection she would feel from me sending her away would ruin our relationship (and affect her mental health). I opted for a live-in nanny instead. I don't regret it for a minute. Now she has grown into an amazing very well-balanced teenager and we have a great relationship.

@ukelele38 what do you mean by ‘just getting by’? If you are able to pay all the bills and put food on the table without getting into too much debt, then I would just keep doing what you’re already doing. I know it’s considered normal to send your children to live with relatives in some countries, but it’s because there is no UC or other state help available there. Don’t do this to your child unless you are at serious risk of becoming homeless or starving.

Avoid if you can but if needs must limit it to a year and add visits in between. I was away from both parents for 2 years and away from just mum for around 5 years before the age of 12. Fine otherwise as an adults except I still get emotional every time I go to an airport, my partner thinks it's affected me in ways I don't realise (anxiety of being alone etc)

I was sent to live with Grandparents, I resent the decision, and my parents ever since. I have spent years and thousands on therapy, and have only recently at 33 been able to cope with my abandonment issues.

It's not melodrama though, my mother was left at the age of 5 and has untold mental health issues from the abandonment.

She was not from this country, yes her parents left for economic reasons but my mum and her sister were abandoned.

Other cultures might do it but doesn't mean it's right for the child. Boarding school is another example.

What would you do after a year? Would you be able to have your child back after that?

YABU. I was the child who was sent to grandparents and it destroyed me trying to live up to their old school demands.
And we were living in the same city, not different countries. A child needs their parents, especially mum, grandparents cannot be parents.

@ChildhoodNeglect i feel sad for your mother but not everyone feels that way.

Interesting assertion…why or how is a year to a four year old the same as ten to a forty year old?

What do you know about other cultures? Posters on threads here keep quoting other cultures to shut down any reasonablemention of downsides.

I am from so called another culture, and living with grandparents caused me long term trauma. Not every grandparent is the doting grandparent. You were one of the lucky ones.

I had grandparents trying to control me with their tough punishment to raise me to be an obedient puppet. Op knows her parents, no one knows for sure how it will impact her child. But to shut down other views highlighting any risks of this arrangement by quoting other culture is not right.

That’s the problem with trying to fit a one-size-fits-all rule, as if the same experience will ever impact everyone in the same way. What will be perceived as a traumatic experience for one person can be a positive and invaluable one for another. Being ‘sent away’ may create trauma, but so can remaining with a parent struggling to make ends meet. It’s rarely as simple as ‘X is traumatic, Y will never be traumatic’‘.

Those of us that were and are absolutely fine with it don’t speak for you, but nor do you speak for those of use who were fine with it. FWIW my parents aren’t from third world countries, lived in the UK at the time, and could have easily paid for childcare in the UK. However, they wanted my brother and I to have the experience of being with our grandparents and extended family. Not only did it strengthen and deepen our relationships with said extended family, but it allowed us to keep an active connection to our language and culture. We absolutely benefited from it, and I’m glad they chose to do that.

OP knows both her child and her parents well enough to make a judgement as to whether or not this is a good idea. It’s also not like it isn’t a decision she can revisit depending on how they’re getting on.

Many professional women from overseas do this but it must be really really hard. The kids seem to turn out absolutely fine though.

Was the bond with the parent broken or was a bond with extended family created in addition?
I think it's very lazy to assume the British version of family life where mum has to do it all, total martyrdom, is the ideal. Children are being raised by and as part of extended families all over the world, they're clearly not all traumatized by it.