Sending child to live with grandparents abroad

[ukelele38]

Hi all,
I'm a young single parent currently just getting by. I work full time and feel like I barely see my 4yo child (no actual quality time together). My current job isn't where I want to be and I've got an opportunity to move and work somewhere I can progress and earn a lot more however it would be extremely hard to do this around childcare.
If I sent my child to live with their grandparents for a year (ish?) I could get myself on my feet and to a better place financially (and mentally-lone parent for over 4 years now), however they live abroad so I couldn't just nip in and see them- still europe so not a major distance.

Am I insane for even considering this? It's just a thought atm as I'm not sure I would actually be able to live without them but at the same time I want a better life for them and the quality of life where their grandparents live is a lot higher.

And yet we are happily placing babies & toddlers with complete strangers 8am - 6pm for 4-5 days / week....

Why can’t we look to other cultures? As if the UK has it all sorted? Seriously - most of the families I know in the UK would never do this. Similarly, most of them are struggling financially, are working in jobs that don’t pay enough and they don’t like because they can’t find time to retrain. Struggling to pay for childcare which takes up the majority of their salary so their child is missing out in terms of life opportunities because of a lack of cash. Working so much and juggling everything and barely have quality time with their kids anyway, definitely can’t afford luxuries.

I work in an expensive international school abroad and these mothers who are working away to support their child have managed to retrain and get higher up in their fields than they ever could have otherwise. They can afford excellent education for their children and when they do see their children are able to have the money to take their children to travel and do lovely things. Their child is safely cared for my grandparents who adore them rather than strangers who cost a fortune and don’t really care about the child.

And it’s only temporary! After money and/or excellent qualifications and experience have been acquired they can return home.

In this country they’re considered a role model to their children, putting their children before themselves.

No, I’d personally never do it because I am selfish and couldn’t bare to be parted from my children for so long. But I would NEVER judge other parents for doing it and honestly feel they’re being extremely selfless

Exactly, and many of them are teens themselves.

Exactly this! My sisters working a mediocre job in the UK and never has quality time with her child because they’re in school/nursery all day. When she picks them up it’s a mad rush if bedtime routines and not quality time. Due to the mediocrity of her job she’s unsatisfied and doesn’t earn enough money to give her child anything great, just the basics. Weekends will be fairly dull because not enough spare cash to really have treats or days out, can’t afford really good education or clubs or tutors etc so the children aren’t really reaching their full potential because she’s too busy to help them. If she had this opportunity she could retrain and get ahead in her career. She could earn more money. She could give her children better opportunities. How is is selfish to put your own needs behind your desire to give your child the best?

(Want to stress that I’m not being a snob about my sisters job - these are all her own complaints just repeated for the sake of this post!)

The mum is sacrificing her own happiness in order to give her child a better life. It’s so hard on the mum, in all the cases I’ve seen which is a lot (as a teacher in one of the countries where it’s common).

I disagree, it's much easier to live and work alone than trying to juggle it all as a single parent. I'm sure part of the allure here is to get the peace and headspace that comes with not having a child at home. Earning more money or potentially better career move is just a positive rationalisation of wanting a break from the endless slog of taking care of a 3 year old.

The problem is that the UK is already one of the richest countries in the world. It won't be a popular opinion on MN but living under the poverty line here still means you have a better life than the average person in a 3rd world country. It's hard to justify to a kid born and raised in the UK that they need to go live with GPs so the parent can earn more.

As OP doesn't seen intent on returning to this thread (or just a journo/ChatGPT) then we can be more honest. In her situation it's unlikely to end well because the job in discussion probably only pays a few grand more than whatever she's getting now. Maybe 10K at most. But there is absolutely no realistic situation across any industry in the UK where you would be offered a career jump from (as an example) 25K to 100K+, and the only thing standing in the way are working hours affected by childcare.

So the child grows up knowing that the mum sent them out of the country just for a few thousand extra quid which they didn't even get to enjoy together. A telling phrase is OP saying her job "isn't where she wants to be". That's a luxury that people without kids can think about. So along comes a job offer closer to the job she wants and the idea of taking that up without the responsibility of childcare is intoxicating. Unless it's a life changing amount of money then nothing is worth the sacrifice of dealing with adult children who know you sent them away as a small child.

I wonder if what's key in these situations is how involved the grandparents are in the children's lives before they live together without mum.

I absolutely don't think you're insane - or a bad mum fwiw - to seriously consider this but I wonder if you've fully explored alternative options?

Can you talk a bit more about what will make childcare difficult if you take this job? Presumably you're in the UK?

I also think their might be other ways for your parents to support you that year without you sending your child away.

. I'm sure part of the allure here is to get the peace and headspace that comes with not having a child at home. Earning more money or potentially better career move is just a positive rationalisation of wanting a break from the endless slog of taking care of a 3 year old

You are being unfairly prejudicial. There's a difference between a (very-human) desire for an easier life; a need for support, or someone who is unable to cope. Ensuring their own physical and mental health does not make a parent a bad one.

This society is much worse off for believing that it's ok for parents - especially & typically - mums to suffer, struggle and sacrifice for their children.

won't be a popular opinion on MN but living under the poverty line here still means you have a better life than the average person in a 3rd world country

It's also not a race to the bottom. Worse poverty in some other countries does not make the poverty and suffering in the UK acceptable.

This isn’t true at all in my experience. Those I know in the UK who are struggling financially are a LOT worse off than those I know in this country (where parents working while grandparents raise kids is common).

A lot of my friends from my hometown in the UK are living in disgusting, mouldy, damp, barely fit to be inhabited rental properties which cause health issues. The NHS has fallen apart and they can’t afford private healthcare so are getting physically sick. Their schools are also underfunded and their children aren’t doing well. A lot of them are relying on food banks just to feed themselves. They can’t afford to study or take time off work to improve their situations. They live in dangerous areas where knife crime and gangs of yobs make it unsafe to walk around. Those who are on benefits can barely get by at all.

It’s not at ALL like that here. People aren’t living in these degrading conditions but have less available cash to take their kids to travel or to send them to good schools. Healthcare is excellent, homes are affordable and safe, crime rates are low, nobody uses or needs food banks. They just want the very best for their children and so sacrifice their own happiness to get it.

How close are they to their grandparents? Would it only be the year, and then you would be in a position to have your child back with you? Have they said they would? Would moving in with you in the UK be an option? If they got ill, what would the back up plan be? I think sometimes we have to do things that are incredibly hard in the short term, to make things better in the long term, but asking on a parenting forum will get you lots of gasps of how could you, I would rather starve than be separated from my child....if this is what you need and it will make things better in the long run- I'd consider it.

Leaving aside the emotional aspects as I think only you can decide what will be best in that way for you and your child. I think the schooling aspect would concern me, has your child started school yet? Moving schools several times is something I had to do as a child and it was really hard, I would avoid that if at all possible.

Why not all go and live with the grand parents? Support, better life and time with people you love - inter generational living is where it’s at!

I had my eldest at 16, he’s 30 next week. It was a hard slog making something of myself with a child in tow too. But I did it. I wouldn’t dream of sending him away no, none of my kids. My ex went to work overseas for 3yrs though, no-one judged him. It’s your choice but I’d imagine you’ll lose some of your bond that you might never get back

Plenty of women already do do this. I can’t say whether that’s damaging for the child or mother or not. But in cases that I know of the child was already close to the grandparents and the move to the grandparents was across the street or in the same town or they already lived together. I think you’re adding your child moving to another country into the mix here?

you have to think if they give their child to the gp’s and work abroad because it is what happened to them and their bond with their parent was broken at a young age and it means they think it is natural to do the same to their own children.

This exactly. I think there is a bit of cognitive dissonance, if that is the right term, going on with thread. Some think it's normal so they push down any feelings they have and compartmentalise it to convince themselves 'no harm was done to me'. I think they block it out. But it would be a rare child/adult that wouldn't be affected by being abandoned by their mother.

My MIL did this for a few years, then from when he was 6 or 7 he went back to his grandmother's for school holidays

It didn't harm him so to speak, and he had a fantastic relationship with his nan, viewed a cousin as his elder brother etc BUT his relationship with his mother as an adult isn't great (He would happily go a year without speaking to her - yet would not go more than a week without speaking to his nan before she died) - however this could be down the two of them and would have been the same without that seperation - he will say though that his grandmother brought him up, her house was his home and his mothers was just where he lived when he wasn't home

Seriously...

"Europe???? His grandparents??? How could a child ever recover from that".

Guys, it 2023. We have Facetime/Skype, Eurostar, planes.... OP is considering sending the child to their grand parents, not to a dubious orphanage that might or might not be a sweat shop.

OP. Consider how much money you would be able to save. If it would really get you out of poverty and set you up for the rest of your lives, I would do it.

A life of poverty where your child sees you 15 minutes a day while half of your money goes to childcare is hardly the dream, is it?

Yes, you are bonkers to even consider it.
To a 4 year old, a year is a HUGE percentage of their life. Unless the gps are literally second parents (which as they live abroad, they're probably near-strangers to your child), all you're going to achieve is traumatising your child.

You say you're "just getting by", well frankly, a lot of families in the UK, my own included, are also "just getting by".

No. Don't do it. While I was 11 and circumstances meant UK boarding school was the only option (so not the same) I was much less close to my Mum as a result than my younger siblings. It cracked our bond a bit and it never fully recovered. We could only communicate by letter (this was late 1970s) and my letters are heart wrenching. Please don't do this.

Not necessarily. A friend of mine was taken by her DF to live with him and his family in Caribbean, partly as his marriage was in trouble but his DD also got private education there and it was safer than their part of London where they lived but not that poor.

Or, you know, they genuinely are fine with it. No need to block out something that isn’t in fact present.

OP - it’s also common in the country where I’m from (incidentally, not a third world country), and the people there are no more or less well adjusted than the people in the UK. I used to spend months at a time with my grandparents, and I loved it. I was being cared for by loving family, and I never felt, or feel, anything other than secure in my attachments to them. Parents included!

Nope. It is not natural to leave your child.

It's the norm where I am from, through economic necessity, particularly when one of the parents dies. Children are left with grandparents in the villages while the parents fund them by working in urban areas.

And migrant labourers from many poorer countries also leave their children with grandparents and go and work in places like Dubai and Qatar and see them once a year.
It's not ideal but often there is little choice if the parents want to create any sort of future for them.

Surely in cultures where children live with extended family, the child would feel ‘normal’.?

OP - do you WANT to leave your child?

I can’t understand how it could only be for a year? Will the need to work magically go away by then?